Dumped suddenly by 3yr gf on Xmas
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 19
Dumped suddenly by 3yr gf on Xmas
Hello everyone. I am a newcomer to the site, but unfortunately not to sobriety yet. My attempts have failed repeatedly. Although it had been better last year. But a personal tragedy befell me last Christmas when my girlfriend of nearly 3 years walked out on me - and broke up our whole relationship in a very cold and cruel manner. Abruptly.
She broke up with me and left two days before Christmas last year. We had just moved in together in August. I am 37 and she is 27. She says it's because of my on and off again drinking issue. I admit this is a problem, but I have been working on it for over a year - seeing a therapist, going for long periods without drinking, etc. I had not had a drop for most of the time we lived together, but I had wanted to indulge a bit during the holidays. I asked her what she thought about that, and she replied that it would be okay if it didn't get too crazy. Okay. Well, she came home from work and discovered that I had drunk a bottle of wine the previous night while she was in bed. This had been a gift to her from a friend of mine. We had been at her parents the previous evening where we all had a couple drinks. I replaced the wine bottle for her, because I felt bad. She interpreted it as being sneaky. Within 10 minutes she was out the door, back to her parents. Saying things like "this relationship has run its course". I really didn't see any of this coming. We had just been at my sister's wedding 11 days earlier. And yes we were both drinking. We messaged the day after she left (so this is Christmas Eve), and she says things like "We. Are. Not. Compatible." "I'm not the one." "Love isn't enough." Etc, etc, etc. Tells me she misses me on Christmas Day, but that's it. Later we arrange for us to talk in 2 days. She comes by the apartment and the first words out of her mouth are "I think you know what my decision is going to be." And it just went downhill from there, as you can imagine. She had told her parents about my drinking, and they, a very strict Catholic family who never wanted us living together, or together period, obviously convinced her to leave this relationship. From the moment she spoke to them, things were never the same in her tone with me. It was like I was a stranger to be feared. I don't understand. I was never violent with her. At most I would black out and she would be concerned about being around what looked like a dementia patient. This happened a few times, but mostly I wasn't that bad.
I asked her to honor our verbal financial agreement of giving me X per month on rent. She demanded the landlord's number (which she already had). She wanted to make her own arrangement with him. I pleaded with her to honor our agreement. I cannot afford to live here alone. I spoke with the landlord and he said he was waiting to hear back from her father. (Keep in mind, this is a girl who is heavily managed by her parents, and doesn't even have her own bank account). Finally a deal is struck for a lump sum that is LESS money than our original agreement. I take the deal - I just wanted it to be over.
She then demands to move out New Year's Eve. I said it can't be that day, come on. I have plans. I told her: "And with the way you are acting, I cannot trust you, and I need to be here if you're coming into this house and going through things." She said New Year's Eve. She insists. She says "NYE sounds like a perfect time to me." And it's still her place too so she can come and go as she pleases. Ugh. I spoke again with the landlord and he agreed that wasn't fair. He convinced her to go with New Year's Day. I agreed.
I had my mother with me, as I needed moral support on that day. She brought her entire family - mother, father, brother. They had her things out of there in 45 minutes. No words were spoken between us. Left all her trash for me to clean up.
Since that time, I reached out about a week later. She was very cold. When I said I still loved her, she replied "Well, I won't hate you." I asked her to come see my doctor with me. I have had sleep disturbances, sleep apnea - she knows a lot about this, obviously, and I could've used her input. So at that point, I thought we were in a semi-decent place.
Couple weeks later, I'm online googling breakup stories. Went through tons. Came across one on Reddit. It's unbelievable, but it was her! What are the chances? I didn't even know she was on Reddit. Talking about us! Saying all kinds of terrible things. Getting all this feedback from perfect strangers, pumping her up to leave me. I bring it to her attention. She admits to it and says "It's not a betrayal. We were not in a relationship when I wrote those." But what she didn't know was that I had seen her original posting a month before she left me. Which I also confronted her about. Her post described feeling trapped in a relationship and lease. Misses her old friend group, etc. Why she would be a complete phony to me is so hurtful. We had just signed a lease 3 months earlier. She is in my sister's wedding photographs - 11 days before her abrupt departure....
I ask her directly what she had said to the landlord and she said she told him about my drinking!! What? It seems incredible to me that she would cite that as her core reason to leave when I had had less to drink in the time we lived together than at ANY point in our relationship. Sounds like a pretext to me. And why is she telling my landlord? He told me she thinks she is crazy and that it's better I lose her now instead of a bitter divorce in 10 years.
I told her we are done in every respect. Do not contact me again. Unfriended her, etc. She said "If that is how you feel, fine."
3 months later, she messages me about pot lids of her mothers that were left here. She says nothing personal - she doesn't ask how I am, or anything like 'hope you've been well.' Nothing. Just wants to know how she can get those pot lids.
This was somebody I thought was my best friend. We seemed so close. Then poof. She was gone. And so cold, almost dehumanizing, about it. I replied that her mother is more than welcome to contact me about the lids. Furthermore, I told her that I had asked her not to contact me again, so I will now have to block on messenger. I did that not to anger her, but rather to protect myself. I had a panic attack upon hearing from her that day. And it broke my heart even more that that was ALL she had to say.
My apologies for such a long post! I'd really appreciate your take on this situation. I don't think I would ever want her back, and I certainly can't be her friend. But I need to get to a place where I feel alright about all this and move on. Why did she do it like this? And most importantly, while my drinking problem cannot be denied, is this really the core reason for her departure? Did my drinking cause me to deserve to be treated like this? Sheesh. I've been in a dark place ever since.
She broke up with me and left two days before Christmas last year. We had just moved in together in August. I am 37 and she is 27. She says it's because of my on and off again drinking issue. I admit this is a problem, but I have been working on it for over a year - seeing a therapist, going for long periods without drinking, etc. I had not had a drop for most of the time we lived together, but I had wanted to indulge a bit during the holidays. I asked her what she thought about that, and she replied that it would be okay if it didn't get too crazy. Okay. Well, she came home from work and discovered that I had drunk a bottle of wine the previous night while she was in bed. This had been a gift to her from a friend of mine. We had been at her parents the previous evening where we all had a couple drinks. I replaced the wine bottle for her, because I felt bad. She interpreted it as being sneaky. Within 10 minutes she was out the door, back to her parents. Saying things like "this relationship has run its course". I really didn't see any of this coming. We had just been at my sister's wedding 11 days earlier. And yes we were both drinking. We messaged the day after she left (so this is Christmas Eve), and she says things like "We. Are. Not. Compatible." "I'm not the one." "Love isn't enough." Etc, etc, etc. Tells me she misses me on Christmas Day, but that's it. Later we arrange for us to talk in 2 days. She comes by the apartment and the first words out of her mouth are "I think you know what my decision is going to be." And it just went downhill from there, as you can imagine. She had told her parents about my drinking, and they, a very strict Catholic family who never wanted us living together, or together period, obviously convinced her to leave this relationship. From the moment she spoke to them, things were never the same in her tone with me. It was like I was a stranger to be feared. I don't understand. I was never violent with her. At most I would black out and she would be concerned about being around what looked like a dementia patient. This happened a few times, but mostly I wasn't that bad.
I asked her to honor our verbal financial agreement of giving me X per month on rent. She demanded the landlord's number (which she already had). She wanted to make her own arrangement with him. I pleaded with her to honor our agreement. I cannot afford to live here alone. I spoke with the landlord and he said he was waiting to hear back from her father. (Keep in mind, this is a girl who is heavily managed by her parents, and doesn't even have her own bank account). Finally a deal is struck for a lump sum that is LESS money than our original agreement. I take the deal - I just wanted it to be over.
She then demands to move out New Year's Eve. I said it can't be that day, come on. I have plans. I told her: "And with the way you are acting, I cannot trust you, and I need to be here if you're coming into this house and going through things." She said New Year's Eve. She insists. She says "NYE sounds like a perfect time to me." And it's still her place too so she can come and go as she pleases. Ugh. I spoke again with the landlord and he agreed that wasn't fair. He convinced her to go with New Year's Day. I agreed.
I had my mother with me, as I needed moral support on that day. She brought her entire family - mother, father, brother. They had her things out of there in 45 minutes. No words were spoken between us. Left all her trash for me to clean up.
Since that time, I reached out about a week later. She was very cold. When I said I still loved her, she replied "Well, I won't hate you." I asked her to come see my doctor with me. I have had sleep disturbances, sleep apnea - she knows a lot about this, obviously, and I could've used her input. So at that point, I thought we were in a semi-decent place.
Couple weeks later, I'm online googling breakup stories. Went through tons. Came across one on Reddit. It's unbelievable, but it was her! What are the chances? I didn't even know she was on Reddit. Talking about us! Saying all kinds of terrible things. Getting all this feedback from perfect strangers, pumping her up to leave me. I bring it to her attention. She admits to it and says "It's not a betrayal. We were not in a relationship when I wrote those." But what she didn't know was that I had seen her original posting a month before she left me. Which I also confronted her about. Her post described feeling trapped in a relationship and lease. Misses her old friend group, etc. Why she would be a complete phony to me is so hurtful. We had just signed a lease 3 months earlier. She is in my sister's wedding photographs - 11 days before her abrupt departure....
I ask her directly what she had said to the landlord and she said she told him about my drinking!! What? It seems incredible to me that she would cite that as her core reason to leave when I had had less to drink in the time we lived together than at ANY point in our relationship. Sounds like a pretext to me. And why is she telling my landlord? He told me she thinks she is crazy and that it's better I lose her now instead of a bitter divorce in 10 years.
I told her we are done in every respect. Do not contact me again. Unfriended her, etc. She said "If that is how you feel, fine."
3 months later, she messages me about pot lids of her mothers that were left here. She says nothing personal - she doesn't ask how I am, or anything like 'hope you've been well.' Nothing. Just wants to know how she can get those pot lids.
This was somebody I thought was my best friend. We seemed so close. Then poof. She was gone. And so cold, almost dehumanizing, about it. I replied that her mother is more than welcome to contact me about the lids. Furthermore, I told her that I had asked her not to contact me again, so I will now have to block on messenger. I did that not to anger her, but rather to protect myself. I had a panic attack upon hearing from her that day. And it broke my heart even more that that was ALL she had to say.
My apologies for such a long post! I'd really appreciate your take on this situation. I don't think I would ever want her back, and I certainly can't be her friend. But I need to get to a place where I feel alright about all this and move on. Why did she do it like this? And most importantly, while my drinking problem cannot be denied, is this really the core reason for her departure? Did my drinking cause me to deserve to be treated like this? Sheesh. I've been in a dark place ever since.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome Michael 
I think the bottom line is it's over. I hope you can get your recovery happening and move on.
Do that and I think you'll find your next relationship will be very different
D
I think the bottom line is it's over. I hope you can get your recovery happening and move on.
Do that and I think you'll find your next relationship will be very different
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
I'm really sorry this happened and has left you feeling so sad. Is it possible for you to see this as a turning point in your life? Maybe it's time to work on sobriety and recovery and you will find life opening up to you. We're here for support.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I'm sorry you had to go thru and still going thru the loss of your gf. Alcohol has caused many relationship issues and yours won't be the last. The only thing I can suggest is to get and stay sober. Us alcoholics can cause a lot of pain in others that we often don't see or get.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Michel78 
...while my drinking problem cannot be denied, is this really the core reason for her departure? Did my drinking cause me to deserve to be treated like this?
I hope we can help you with sobriety, should that be your goal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm so sorry. I've been there- I feel for you.
Now is the time to work on accepting the relationship is over and focus on your recovery.
In time, you will do yourself some good at taking an honest look back at what your role was in the breakdown of your relationship. The fact is alcohol contributes to a majority of our life problems when things spin out of our control. Even if we're working on it does not mean we are doing enough of the right work if we're not living in sobriety.
Someone posted on here that alcoholics view the world through their intentions. The rest of the world views us through our actions.
Think about that for awhile.
I'll take the wine situation as a great example. Whatever you think your intentions were about replacing the bottle, that is a very typical alcoholic behaviour. Lots of us have been there. I have done it so many times. And I could put the prettiest bow on it, but the fact will remain that I drank it alone, said nothing and replaced it with another bottle.
It happens. I know you are feeling awful and I'm truly sorry for that. In time I hope you come to see more honest truths to situations like these... that is part of the joy and pain of recovery. Owning our mistakes and then learning from them to build a new life.
Stay strong, stick around, do you have a plan for here on out?
Now is the time to work on accepting the relationship is over and focus on your recovery.
In time, you will do yourself some good at taking an honest look back at what your role was in the breakdown of your relationship. The fact is alcohol contributes to a majority of our life problems when things spin out of our control. Even if we're working on it does not mean we are doing enough of the right work if we're not living in sobriety.
Someone posted on here that alcoholics view the world through their intentions. The rest of the world views us through our actions.
Think about that for awhile.
I'll take the wine situation as a great example. Whatever you think your intentions were about replacing the bottle, that is a very typical alcoholic behaviour. Lots of us have been there. I have done it so many times. And I could put the prettiest bow on it, but the fact will remain that I drank it alone, said nothing and replaced it with another bottle.
It happens. I know you are feeling awful and I'm truly sorry for that. In time I hope you come to see more honest truths to situations like these... that is part of the joy and pain of recovery. Owning our mistakes and then learning from them to build a new life.
Stay strong, stick around, do you have a plan for here on out?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Please don't place your ex on a pedestal. She is only a human being. Not a supernatural / healing power. Or even a goddess.
Please do not let her be the god of you.
I have made the above two mistakes, and I have paid the price.
It isn't worth it.
I am sorry if this sounds rude to many people, but there's a lot of fish in the sea.
Every relationship has an expiry date.
Your sanity is your own property. If she is able to steal that away, then really, you must question, who are you?
Please do not let her be the god of you.
I have made the above two mistakes, and I have paid the price.
It isn't worth it.
I am sorry if this sounds rude to many people, but there's a lot of fish in the sea.
Every relationship has an expiry date.
Your sanity is your own property. If she is able to steal that away, then really, you must question, who are you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 19
Thanks for all the kind words everyone. And yes, it is absolutely essential that I own the damage that I cause to myself and others by binge drinking. I suppose I'm having difficulty accepting that it is the primary cause of our relationship's failure though. I mean, doesn't that shift the blame entirely to me? All one has to say is that their SO drinks too much, and nobody asks questions - they tell the person to run away immediately! But this person happily went out drinking with me just weeks prior, and also at my sister's wedding etc. She had said it was alright to indulge through December, then suddenly it wasn't. I mean... which is it? I suppose her ability to handle the situation was poor, and didn't help me on my path. I don't think she wanted me in recovery - I believe she wanted me to have never had the problem in the first place, because she likes her one or two glasses of wine every now and then (sometimes daily). I remember on Thanksgiving, at her parents, when I had asked her if we could leave a little early because with all the constant drink offers from her family, I was getting anxious (I was in a sober spell at that time). She yelled at me later for using that as an excuse to leave early, and then screamed "I'm not sure I'm attracted to you anymore!" This was someone who was SO into me for so long. I just don't get it. And as far as the drinking, she had more than enough time to get a good look at me before we signed this lease.
Anyway, I need help. My therapist doesn't seem to be enough.
Anyway, I need help. My therapist doesn't seem to be enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 19
And yes, the case of the infamous disappearing and then reappearing wine bottle is definitely some classic alcoholic behavior. I agree. I figured it would be no big deal. I told her I would cut the drinking immediately, that she was right that I was back on the path to heavy consumption again, and I'll cut it right now. But she was out the door in 10 minutes.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Dependency.....sadness.
You have your own life, man.
All the lovey-dovey in the world will not change that fact.
Been there, done that. Wish I hadn't in the first place.
My ex too left without so much as a "how've you been",
Ask me today, I struggle to remember her last name. Life, huh!
Let go, man. Let go. Life will give you ten-fold returns.
You have your own life, man.
All the lovey-dovey in the world will not change that fact.
Been there, done that. Wish I hadn't in the first place.
My ex too left without so much as a "how've you been",
Ask me today, I struggle to remember her last name. Life, huh!
Let go, man. Let go. Life will give you ten-fold returns.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
If it was going to happen, it really is better that it happen now than when much more than an apartment lease and her mom's pot lids are at stake. I don't mean at all to diminish the situation, I know it is difficult and I am sorry you are having to deal with it. I think you are wise to break off all connections to this relationship.
Now is the perfect time for you start fresh, to make a new, sober, even better life for yourself. Glad you are with us, hopefully we can be a source of support for you.
Now is the perfect time for you start fresh, to make a new, sober, even better life for yourself. Glad you are with us, hopefully we can be a source of support for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
Well my advice would be stop living in the past and learn from it. You can't change what's happened and you can't predict the future. Work on the issues that you know you contributed to this situation so you don't carry them with you to the next relationship.
Do you own all of this? Probably not but you know what you do own and only you can fix it.
Do you own all of this? Probably not but you know what you do own and only you can fix it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 19
Right after I told her mother to contact me about the lids, and that I don't want to hear from her and that I'm blocking her, she unliked my FB artist page (I'm a composer and pianist). I mean, seriously?
But yes, I need to move past this. This relationship was doomed from the outset. She just is not grownup enough, and I'm not substance-free yet. Unfortunately the combination ended up causing the both of us much pain. We did have a big big love though. More than I had ever experienced before.
But yes, I need to move past this. This relationship was doomed from the outset. She just is not grownup enough, and I'm not substance-free yet. Unfortunately the combination ended up causing the both of us much pain. We did have a big big love though. More than I had ever experienced before.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Welcome, Michel. I'm so glad you found us - I know if you spend some time here you'll find the encouragement you need to put your drinking days behind you.
I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced over the broken relationship. I hope you will begin to heal and have a wonderful new life.
I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced over the broken relationship. I hope you will begin to heal and have a wonderful new life.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Relationships are complicated but very few people want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. She is likely sad and angry because she wasted a lot of time, energy, and love waiting for you to leave the 3rd partner in the relationship and you never did.
Was she childish, spiteful, and cruel? Likely yes but the problem is not her or you. The problem is the drinking
Was she childish, spiteful, and cruel? Likely yes but the problem is not her or you. The problem is the drinking
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Michel78
she unliked my FB artist page (I'm a composer and pianist). I mean, seriously?
Come on, man.
Move on. At least try.
A musician stuck up on one girl... this really IS 2016. :-/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 19
I think the hard part about going completely sober is - what do I do now? In the evenings? How do I get to sleep? How do I socialize? I've logged in plenty of time over my life being 'dry', or a 'dry-drunk', as they say, but all I do during those periods is distract myself with work or hobbies, almost obsessively. And the desire to drink never really leaves me. As soon as some occasion comes up that calls for drinking, I make some rationalization to myself that I can do it moderately. And for a while I can - then I ratchet it up over a period of a few weeks until I'm back to 8-12 drinks a day. I am amazingly functional. Go to work everyday. Make a good living. I appear to have it all together. I'm even Grammy-nominated (Ha!). But I have this secret problem. I just don't know how to fully release it. It has haunted me for 20 years. I have come to realize recently that only working on ones qualities is not enough - one has to respect oneself too. People will fall in love with you for your qualities, but they will not truly love you or stick around if you don't respect yourself. Nor will you be able to love yourself. And true happiness and satisfaction in life will elude you forever.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by RegretFree
Seriously? That's what p*sses you off?
Come on, man.
Move on. At least try.
A musician stuck up on one girl... this really IS 2016. :-/
Come on, man.
Move on. At least try.
A musician stuck up on one girl... this really IS 2016. :-/
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