Siddhartha

Hello...

Instead of leading a productive life today and contributing to my goals, I'm in bed hungover. I found this site while trying to distract my mind from trying to piece together the latest bender. I've read a few posts and I supposed one thing that's popping out is.....acceptance. Acceptance that alcohol is huge risk for me and I'm playing Russian Roulette. Acceptance that the party's over. Acceptance that it's never brought me anything good at all.

I make really poor decisions when I consume alcohol and I've known this for years. At 17 I was arrested for the first time and for the next 22 years a lot has changed in my life, but one things has been consistent.....the pattern that I've created with my destructive relationship with alcohol.

Bad incident/swear off it/life improves/memory of bad incident fades/drink again because of delustional thinking, bad incident/swear off it/life improves/memory of bad incident fades/drink again because of delusional thinking/bad incident......

Enough. Time to throw the towel in and see the situation for what it is.

Make a decision to be teetotal and commit totally to decision.

JK130

Do it! You won't be sorry! Exciting times are ahead for you!

least

Welcome to the family. You won't regret getting sober.

tursiops999

welcome Siddhartha. You're making a great choice. It's daunting at first but gets easier ... lean on us.

CountryGal123

I can totally relate. Today is my Day 1 as well. Last night I accused the hubs of having an affair with the neighbor. That's totally not true. Last night he helped me dump out the rest of the vodka. Hungover again today and still wishing for a drink. I have to accept this is not healthy behavior. I have to accept I can never drink again. It's been such s huge part of my life for so long, it's scary to thing being sober 😔

Berrybean

Welcome to the forum. And congratulations on your decision. The next step is to devise a plan, because nothing changes if nothing changes. Dee has a great link for that.

This place and AA really have helped me. There are also some great books out there. My favourite ones are short and sweet and waffle free. Monkey on My Shoulder, and Living Sober. Both cheap as chips from Amazon.

Keep reading and posting here and the lovely folk will always be there for support, suggestions and encouragement. My sober journey has really revealed to me how compassionate, giving, and forgiving people can be. I'm pretty sure you will find the same.

Zufrieden

Hi Siddartha and welcome.
You'll find a great community here to help you along. Your feelings about your life will resonate with many here. You're not alone.
I love your screen name. The Hesse book Sid... Is an amazing story and relevant in many ways to what you are going through. Hesse wrote it to combat his "sickness with life" or something along those lines.
Welcome!
Jonathan

Siddhartha

On the vodka aswell yesterday. I went "missing" Saturday night after been out with the gf and she wanted to go home. Came back Sunday morning and went on the vodka and stupid youtube depressing music. Not the behavior of a wine connoisseur, a belief that I realize I'm clinging onto about myself. An association that needs to be broken.

Definitely not healthy behavior.

Siddhartha

Exactly. That's the way I need to frame this journey. The path to enlightenment. To live each day well. To die well. A mission. And alcohol has no part to play in enlightenment. It only brings sickness and dying with regret.

My original plan was to quit drinking for all of 2016, with the sneaky hope that after the year I would want to continue it. I had seen a blog post of a girl who had done exactly that "my year without alcohol" and the amazing thing now is I believe that has spiraled to five years now and she "has not intentions of ever going back"

the idea was to get back into learning about buddhism and practicing meditation and see alcohol for what it is.....something that brings suffering but because of delusional thinking and false perceptions, I incorrectly look at it with rose tinted glasses. I didn't wait until the first on January, I stopped on December 27th.....sick of it. Everything was going well until......a cookery course......there was wine at the end of it.........and the old associations "wine and food" association kicked in......I had two glasses........but because of the meditation I was really mindful of the effect it was having on me and I didn't like it at all......panic after two glasses......

then I stopped all that had been working...........doubting the decision.........

Zufrieden

Something that brings suffering sums what it offers.
If you will give complete abstinence a real go you will see this more clearly with each passing day.
I read Siddartha, Narcisdus and Goldmund and several other similar books shortly after beginning my sobriety and went through a period of sadness and reflection at all the years I had given up by drinking. Those books represented ideals and ways of approaching life that I embraced as a young man but I too let them go and turned to the siren call of a quick Smirnoff buzz....
I've re-read many novels now, old journals and reconnected with old good friends to resume the original journey albeit with 20 more years under my belt. Without alcohol in your life I believe you will start to see things as possible and exciting and alive again.
Do it!
Best
Jonathan

loulou1981

.... so true!!!!!! It's the booze cycle!!! Do it, commit, grin & bare it, it's tough but I already feel like a different person at 6 months sober!!!!!

Hevyn

It's great to meet you, Siddhartha. It feels so good to be free of it - you can do this.

Siddhartha

The gf tells me she feels guilty for "encouraging me to drink" on Friday. I told her I'm an adult, I make my own decisions.

Although I do understand where she's coming from. After coming back Friday evening, after a full on afternoon, I came back through the city and people were already milling about drinking and out for the night. Came back with a headache and an almost nostalgia feeling or craving for wine and decided to share this "observation" in my mind with her.

She said the last time I drank wine was the first time in ages that she saw me relaxed, that I never switch off, brain is always on the go. I think she had forgot I left the house in the small hours....

she's only holding on to the seemingly "good moments". I think it's wine nostalgia.........

.....too risky.

Zeroine

Welcome Siddhartha, and Country Girl too.

Here's Dee's thread with links about recovery plans. It's really worth taking some time to read about plans and make one for your own sobriety.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Berrybean

Thing is, we can get so good at covering up how unmanageable everything is for us when we're drinking (because that AV passes on the devious and sneaky streak to us I suppose ) that others are often fooled into believing what we project, hook line and sinker. Plus, I suppose we also see what we want to see to an extent.

Soberwolf

Welcome aboard

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html