New & Curious
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
New & Curious
Hello. I'm new to this website, so hopefully I am posting in the correct "Forum". First thing: I think this website is simply fantastic. It has genuinely confirmed many ideas and thoughts when approaching/dealing/bettering the situation/relationship that I am currently in. So, mad love to this site! It is, indeed, awesome.
So, the second thing: I have a super simple/borderline elementary question for any of you. Here it goes ... My very best friend and I have been close for three years, now. He finally discovered AA a little over three months ago and he is doing so VERY well. I don't drink -never have. It's quite funny how opposite we are. In any case... at one point in our "relationship" we were intimate, but then he upset me greatly and I gave him "the boot". I love this person dearly, but was never willing to give into his manipulative nature or BS. So, blah blah ... I am happy he is getting better. Now that he is in recovery... I've noticed that he tells me certain things ... actually.. making it an obvious point to tell me certain things such as "I love you very much and I hope one day you will realize how much I love you" or "You the only girl for me"... on and on etc etc... My question is ... just out of curiousity ... Are these things that AA encourages their members to say in the first year of a relationship?
By the way I 100% understand and agree with the First Year "suggestion"/"rule". I am simply just curious. (it's kind of cute how often he does this). Yes, you can gag now. Haha. Well, thanks for your time... whoever read this and I look forward to being participative on this board.
Good Day to You All
So, the second thing: I have a super simple/borderline elementary question for any of you. Here it goes ... My very best friend and I have been close for three years, now. He finally discovered AA a little over three months ago and he is doing so VERY well. I don't drink -never have. It's quite funny how opposite we are. In any case... at one point in our "relationship" we were intimate, but then he upset me greatly and I gave him "the boot". I love this person dearly, but was never willing to give into his manipulative nature or BS. So, blah blah ... I am happy he is getting better. Now that he is in recovery... I've noticed that he tells me certain things ... actually.. making it an obvious point to tell me certain things such as "I love you very much and I hope one day you will realize how much I love you" or "You the only girl for me"... on and on etc etc... My question is ... just out of curiousity ... Are these things that AA encourages their members to say in the first year of a relationship?
By the way I 100% understand and agree with the First Year "suggestion"/"rule". I am simply just curious. (it's kind of cute how often he does this). Yes, you can gag now. Haha. Well, thanks for your time... whoever read this and I look forward to being participative on this board.
Good Day to You All
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
It is not written in the book anywhere, but it is highly suggested that we not make any major changes in our lives in our first year of sobriety. This includes beginning any new relationships. I would suggest to you that you continue to support your friend and think about attending al-anon. Just take it easy and keep it simple. I would also suggest posting on the friends and family or al-anon boards.
More folks will be along soon. Hang in there a congrats to your friend on his growing sober time!
Hugs--
More folks will be along soon. Hang in there a congrats to your friend on his growing sober time!
Hugs--
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 12
But... I would encourage him and maybe even explain the "one year rule". Let him know he's going the right direction. I'm sure the encouragement would mean the world and help him stay on track. Also, dont be afraid to listen to your heart. Everybody is different and the "one year rule" doesn't need to be written in stone.
Good luck
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Hi Sweet Relief
I can tell you that when I was getting clean and out of the fog, I learned to get in touch with my feelings. I allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable in group sessions expressing feelings, fears etc. In my experience he is showing major vulnerability by being open to you about his feelings. This is a good sign. Keep in mind that he is vulnerable and very raw right now, if you have no romantic interest in him let him know asap, don't lead him on. If you have love/romantic feelings for him, thats great, but I stand with others about not rushing into a romantic involvement in the first year.
You have more valid reasons for believing his feelings for you now than you did before, because of his sobriety. So easy to whisper words of love while you have the bravery with alcohol. not so easy while sober, he must mean it.
All the best
I can tell you that when I was getting clean and out of the fog, I learned to get in touch with my feelings. I allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable in group sessions expressing feelings, fears etc. In my experience he is showing major vulnerability by being open to you about his feelings. This is a good sign. Keep in mind that he is vulnerable and very raw right now, if you have no romantic interest in him let him know asap, don't lead him on. If you have love/romantic feelings for him, thats great, but I stand with others about not rushing into a romantic involvement in the first year.
You have more valid reasons for believing his feelings for you now than you did before, because of his sobriety. So easy to whisper words of love while you have the bravery with alcohol. not so easy while sober, he must mean it.
All the best
Sweet Relief
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Funtown, Florida
Posts: 12
Wow, thank you for that last post. It's those little words that people say that make everything come together, so thanks! I (me) had sort of a set back tonight. He's been away for about a week on a wonderful trip. He called me tonight when he got home telling me about it. It was so great to hear about all of his experiences. He hasn't allowed himself to experience much in the past few years due to his addiction. So, again -it was super cool to hear. So, I'm grooving on his story telling and then out of the blue he says "yeah and i met the girl of my dreams." <<<----my stomach dropped to my toes.
There was a silence. He was waiting for my reaction. My reaction was "cool". And then he says "I mean I didn't get her phone number or anything... she was just really cool... drove a taxi .. had full sleeve tattoos". At this point I say "right on". What else am I going to say? It's like 'whatever dude'. See, this is the thing. I think he said this with intentions of me reacting a certain way which is not cool FOR HIM. I know it's not cool for me, but I'm alot stronger than him at this point. So, follow me here... some REALLY BRIEF HISTORY --->> he is an aspiring musician. i work in the industry. i am around very successful musicians every day ... it is my job. it's obvious this bothers him to some degree. i think it may bother him alot more than i would like to believe. that is all on him. those are his feelings and for him to deal with. i believe he feels inadequate when HE compares HIMSELF to these guys. my friend in AL ANON says that since i show him no romantic feelings anymore (i did hold his hand the other night) that he is looking for anything to get a reaction and that i shouldn't react for his own good. and as you read --i did not react. although i am now, by writing on this board. anyway ... after the "i met the girl of my dreams" (they never hung out. she drove them from point a to point b, but stranger things have happened) .....he says "i missed talking to you so much". (i think he was hoping that i was upset about the comment and that would make it better) and then "there is this show and i think we should go together" (i told him i already had tickets and was meeting one of the bands i work with up there for the festival). he then said that this other show was coming and we should take a road trip together to see it. i said "yeah sure. 'so-n-so' is a fan, so we'll get them to go, too".
wtf is his deal? he has a bit over 90 days recovery time and i am really being JUST his friend even though i'm inlove with the douchebag, but when he does stuff like "i met the girl of my dreams" ... i feel it would be best if we stopped our relationship/friendship for good -forever.
There was a silence. He was waiting for my reaction. My reaction was "cool". And then he says "I mean I didn't get her phone number or anything... she was just really cool... drove a taxi .. had full sleeve tattoos". At this point I say "right on". What else am I going to say? It's like 'whatever dude'. See, this is the thing. I think he said this with intentions of me reacting a certain way which is not cool FOR HIM. I know it's not cool for me, but I'm alot stronger than him at this point. So, follow me here... some REALLY BRIEF HISTORY --->> he is an aspiring musician. i work in the industry. i am around very successful musicians every day ... it is my job. it's obvious this bothers him to some degree. i think it may bother him alot more than i would like to believe. that is all on him. those are his feelings and for him to deal with. i believe he feels inadequate when HE compares HIMSELF to these guys. my friend in AL ANON says that since i show him no romantic feelings anymore (i did hold his hand the other night) that he is looking for anything to get a reaction and that i shouldn't react for his own good. and as you read --i did not react. although i am now, by writing on this board. anyway ... after the "i met the girl of my dreams" (they never hung out. she drove them from point a to point b, but stranger things have happened) .....he says "i missed talking to you so much". (i think he was hoping that i was upset about the comment and that would make it better) and then "there is this show and i think we should go together" (i told him i already had tickets and was meeting one of the bands i work with up there for the festival). he then said that this other show was coming and we should take a road trip together to see it. i said "yeah sure. 'so-n-so' is a fan, so we'll get them to go, too".
wtf is his deal? he has a bit over 90 days recovery time and i am really being JUST his friend even though i'm inlove with the douchebag, but when he does stuff like "i met the girl of my dreams" ... i feel it would be best if we stopped our relationship/friendship for good -forever.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Found the woman of my dreams?
He still has a lot of learning to do.
If you are thinking of restarting this relationship back up again...
Ask yourself some questions...
What am I willing to go through for a relationship?
What do I want from a relationship?
Would a relationship help him or hurt him?
Things being relationship or not... he is the only one who can change his actions. Your relationship or lack of relationship with him would be a crutch or an excuse in most cases. Read some on the friends and family board. Maybe seek out a Al Anon meeting or more in your area.
He still has a lot of learning to do.
If you are thinking of restarting this relationship back up again...
Ask yourself some questions...
What am I willing to go through for a relationship?
What do I want from a relationship?
Would a relationship help him or hurt him?
Things being relationship or not... he is the only one who can change his actions. Your relationship or lack of relationship with him would be a crutch or an excuse in most cases. Read some on the friends and family board. Maybe seek out a Al Anon meeting or more in your area.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
