Feeling poop
 

Shared at AA tonight about how my life had become unmanagable, and the extent of my drinking which led me to AA and I feel utterly pants.

Really really poopy. I guess Im having a poor me moment. Im sitting here wondering if I really am alcoholic, was it really that bad? In fact I think the realisation really is I was in serious trouble but somehow I think subconsciously Ive been trying to play it down.

First time I really spoke openingly about my physical dependency on alcohol.

The fact I wasnt eating, couldnt keep down any food whatsoever the only way the sickness and shakes would stop was to have another drink. I WAS that bad. It doesnt make me feel very good about myself.

Whats going on here with me? Instead of feeling proud of having the courage to admit and do something about my drinking, I feel absoultely rubbish. I feel ashamed, and remorseful and so sad that ... that was really me.

Need to share otherwise it will play havoc with my brain.

(((( hug))))
I was having a guilt and shame couple of days too.
It'll usually just goes away on it's own- gotta ride it out.
You aren't alone- we have all felt this xoxo

Maybe a little cry may help :(

Its horrible :( I feel just .... awful. :(

You're still at your bottom...no pun intended, on your way up. It's normal to feel this way when you realize where you were, the remorse, regrets, what we have done to ourselves. Don't dwell on it. Instead look ahead with positive thoughts. As your sober days build it will be less and feel more in the past. "That WAS really me." No need to go there again. What you admitted did take courage!

Thank you x x

I'm proud of you! It will all get better.

It will get better blueberry,it takes courage to share honestly in an AA meeting for the first time.

No need to dwell on your past,working the steps with a sponsor and staying sober is the way forward.

Wishing you well.

Blueberry, I think that early recovery, when you have to stop and really look at how bad you were, is a most horrible time. It takes faith to get past that feeling and hope. I think it's important to be completely realistic about how you were, and then I think you have to step away from that and move on.

Thoughts of self harm came on in for a few moments. I hate feeling like this. I havent self harmed but the thought and urge was there, I feel recovery to be two steps forward and four steps back at the moment.

What I need to recognise is that getting sober takes a hell of a lot of courage. It IS hard to confront your past and your feelings with no means of escape. Afterall isnt this why we all drank in the first place? It IS hard.

Im ok. Im not going to self harm and I definately am not going to drink. Just wish I was free from all this ..... poop. Its a horrible horrible process staring this in the face. I guess Im not used to it.

I have faith that it will get better. Swings and rounabouts I guess.

Im ok. Feel better for posting on here x Thank you x

Blueberry, you're not alone :hug:

It helps to remember that we are not the only ones who ever fell into the habit of drinking. Nor are we the only ones who did dumb things while drunk.

I mean we are fallible humans, you know, all of us.

You'll get through this.

I don't know where you are in recovery, but I know that early on, I had trouble with my feelings and felt terrible shame and guilt.

I had to focus on the positive things, like what I'm grateful for, and eventually I stopped thinking about all I'd done wrong. It's in the past and doesn't do any good to dredge it up and beat myself with it. :(

:hug:

4 and half months in - still very early days for me x

Im off to bed, best place for me I think. Tomorrow is another day. Thank you everyone who replied x Feeling that bit better x

I don't have much to add but I drank like you did...couldn't eat, puking all day long, vomiting blood etc. It was bad and I still can't believe that was me?! But it was. And although it is hard to remember those things, in a way it is helpful because it reminds us of what we don't want to go back to! Go easy on yourself. I remember once, early on, I was crying to my friend (who is not an alcoholic) about what a mess my life had become. She said to me "Anyone healthy can build a pretty fabulous life. But I have utmost respect for people like you lost so much, and realize they have to change up everything about themselves, somehow do it and then rebuild their lives!" Made me realize how strong I really am.

Why not do something kind for yourself tonight? Gallon of ice cream (flavor of your choice), warm blankie and Netflix? Cup of tea, favorite movie and sweatpants on the couch? Hot shower, curl up under the covers with a good book? I never feel guilty about these small measures of self care because for years I abused my body with alcohol and benzos...no sleep, no food, nothing. Do something nice for yourself tonight.

Big hugs.

Hi Blueberry - I think it's important to acknowledge where you are now..4 and a half months from where you were.

That's quite an achievement :)

D

You are doing a very noble and very difficult thing in overcoming addiction. You are putting in the blood, sweat, and tears to change your life. Not everyone does that. Some people never experience remorse or guilt over their mistakes, because they never get sober enough to experience emotions. You are obviously a decent person. Please don't allow yourself to be consumed by past mistakes. Spend your energy on recovery, and allow yourself to move forward.

You shouldn't feel bad about yourself. Alcohol is an addictive substance and it's not your fault you got "hooked".

But yeah I understand where you are coming from. I guess it's kind of normal to regret things you have done to mess up the past. But what can you do about it now? :You_Rock_

BB, I've felt the same way myself at times. Someone suggested that I help another person in the program or do a random act of kindness for someone. I did and my "feeling of crappiness" disappeared. Remember that "this to shall pass" and "feelings aren't facts". Hope this helps you. SMILE!!! Peace... out

Sending my admiration and a hug...