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The Monkey on my Back

Old 03-28-2016, 11:14 AM
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Unhappy The Monkey on my Back

Hello everyone. I hope you all are staying strong. Well, like so many other newcomers who have posted on this forum, Iím having difficulty. I donít want to drink again (I really donít), but I just miss it so very much. The problem is, I know Iíll have a good time if I go back out again. It will take several weeks before I revert back to the state of mind that eventually had me looking around for a meeting in the first place. I was never an everyday drinker, and I never lost anything tangible. I know Iím alcoholic and should not drink, but not every one of my drinking sessions is something I regretóin fact, the vast majority of my alcoholic episodes arenít tinged with remorse or guilt. Itís the fact that I donít want to get back in that horrible cycle of working all week just to get to Friday so that I can then stay drunk through to Sunday thatís keeping me sober for the time being. Iíve been sober for two months and today Iíve already made drinking plans with a buddy for this weekend. What was I thinking?

Iím trying to fight boredom, sadness, cravings, etc., the best I know how. Hereís the crux of it: Iím tired of sobriety and all it entails, though I know that staying alcohol free is exactly what I need. Iíve obsessed over alcohol all day and Iím fed up with waiting for the work Iíve put in over the last couple of months to start paying dividends. Iíve done everything I can do. I've certainly attended meetings, visited this site, played the tape forward, and used other suggestions. Put simply, I just wish this ďmonkeyĒ would get off my back. Thanks everyone for reading this. I feel a bit better getting this all out.
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:19 AM
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Hey its good you posted. Its always a good thing to admit youre having difficulty.

I was once like you in the fact that I didnt lose anything tangible. I went to work every day and I was highly functioning. That caused me to justify my drinking.

The last year I neglected my responsibilities because I wanted to drink more. It is a progressive disease. It only gets worse.

I think its better to quit for good now. Shut down the little voice inside your head saying its okay when its clearly not what you want deep down in your heart.

You wanted to quit and you did and you are on a good path. I hope you don't fall back into alcohol.

Have strength and have a good day.

Also... cancel those plans!
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by NickiJay View Post
Iíve obsessed over alcohol all day and Iím fed up with waiting for the work Iíve put in over the last couple of months to start paying dividends. Iíve done everything I can do. I've certainly attended meetings, visited this site, played the tape forward, and used other suggestions. Put simply, I just wish this ďmonkeyĒ would get off my back.
You miss drinking. You miss alcohol. Makes sobriety tough. But until you let go of alcohol, it won't let go of you.
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:37 AM
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Hi, NJ. Don't give up. Cancel your drinking plans at once.

It's very common to miss your old "frenemy," alcohol. I liken booze to a bad boyfriend/girlfriend. Way more trouble than it's worth, but you miss it when it's gone, and you're hoping to find a better replacement but you're kind of faced with a void in the meantime.

Just like with the loser boyfriend/girlfriend, don't go back. Think hard about something you can do in the near future that will be seriously fun and distracting. You sound like you need to smile, need to have a little fun. Is there anything you like to do? Food? Road trip? Music? Dirt bikes?

Just brainstorming. Find something, even if it's just short-term to get you through the week. Don't go drinking.
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:48 AM
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Good job reaching out but don't bottle it up for so long (all day) come here asap & say you feel like that that's what we're here for

To be honest all you have to ask yourself is why did you get sober ?

The longer you stay sober the easier it gets

going back down a dead end road is not going to help you don't live with FOMO (fear of missing out)

Stick with it tough it out but whatever happens take drink off the menu

Fighting FOMO - The Sober School
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Old 03-28-2016, 12:05 PM
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Thank you all very, very much. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. My mind has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum, conjuring up both sane and insane thoughts in what seems to be rapid succession. I’m obviously less secure in my sobriety as a result. There’s no way I’ll go drinking this weekend, so I’ll let my friend know that it’s not such a good idea. I’m just exasperated with experiencing the constant loss of conviction due my obnoxiously determined AV. Thanks again.
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Old 03-28-2016, 12:17 PM
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the one thing you havent done is give the process T.I.M.E.
Things I Must Earn.

dont just get the monkey off your back.
kill the bastaad by continueing to work on you.

the promises are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

check out the 10th step promises.
they happen.
trudge.
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Old 03-28-2016, 12:21 PM
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Welcome! I hope you don't go drinking this weekend. That would put you back at square one and you'd have to start all over again.

What are you doing for your recovery besides just not drinking? Recovery is about changing yourself for the better. How can you do that? I hope our support can help you stay sober for good.
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Old 03-28-2016, 12:22 PM
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I can totally relate to this, I can happily go a week and not touch a drop just living/waiting for the weekend. To then get to the end of the weekend feeling like crap, spent money on nothing and with this overwhelming sense of dread. I also have had great nights out with no obviously bad consequences from my drinking but I have noticed slowly they are getting more and more destructive and more often than not there is a drama, an argument, someone I've upset or one more person who won't want to socialise with me when I've been drinking. I've never smashed up a car or ended up in prison over my drink binges but they have cost me in other ways. I understand how hard it is when you don't want to drink, say no and friends who don't want to drink alone 'guilt' you into having a drink with them and it all starts again. Stay strong, remember that feeling of waking up on a Sunday feeling fresh and enjoying you time off work. I loved being pregnant because I had a break from drinking, among many other reasons of course.... And thought that would be an end to my binges.... Obviously not! I have yet to stick to my own advice though :-/ maybe have a break from socialising with certain people for a while? I think that's what I've got to do.
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