Fortitude

Hello, I'm a 23 year old college student who's been drinking for the past 2 years, somewhat heavily (anywhere between 12-24, rarely more, standard drinks per week) for the past 1 year. I can already see problems forming in my drinking habits and as of a few days ago, I've been riddled with massive anxiety because I can't stop thinking that I've irreversibly screwed over my life so early on. Tonight, I (extremely foolishly) tried to cope with two days worth of anxiety and guilt with more drinking and that obviously didn't help.

I know I can nip this in the bud right now when I'm not physically dependent. I can go without alcohol and not suffer from tremors or any other physical symptoms. However, my main trigger for drinking is boredom and the fact my life is doing in no real direction despite how hard I'm looking for (entry level) employment. When I'm away from home or have pressing responsibilities, I have little to no urge to drink and rarely indulge. But when I'm home with nothing to be responsible for, it's a habit.

I'm no stranger to pervasive, overwhelming feelings of anxiety so I know that if I can power through a few days, the worst will be over. But at the same time, I'm practically panicking that I've already become an alcoholic and ended what potential I do have so relatively early on in my life.

For reference, I'm not aware of any past family history of alcoholism, so as far as I know I'm not genetically susceptible. When sober, I have no strong urges to drink and when I do drink, it's never during daylight hours and never when I expect to drive or be responsible for another person. I've never drank to blackout levels, nor have I ever had a DUI or any legal trouble due to drinking. I'm able to cut myself off, even when drunk. I don't know if this is being overly defensive, but if I'm going to post my story, I might as well give some context.

I'm just grateful there's an accepting community, because I can't really open up to anyone else I know about my concerns without being scolded or judged harshly for it. Consider this a (rapidly sobering) cry for help, I guess.

RushTogether

First off, let me applaud you for taking care of this before it potentially ruins your life. Like you, I started drinking young, younger than you even. I did it out of boredom, I did it for fun. Then it got to the point where I was dependent on it. Then it got to the point where it did cost me a fiance, a job, friends, a house, financial stress.

Are you an alcoholic? Only you can answer that. You do sound defensive, but that's fine. You're taking what you define as an alcoholic, and crossing things off the list that you are not. We all were the same way for many years.

Being an alcoholic doesn't define you, if you address what is going on with you NOW, than your life will be SOOOO much easier.

I'm proud of you.
Stick with it.

Sober life is the only life.
A sober life is an amazing life.

OldTomato

Is there anything you can do while job searching to keep yourself busy? Volunteering works well for me, distracts me from drinking and looks great to future employers.
This thread has some good ideas, see if there's anything you can take from that - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

D122y

Fort,

Agree, nip this addiction in the bud before it hampers your growth potential or worse. Being 23 you have a lot of work ahead of you to make a nice life for yourself.

You are currently a binge drinker, not a daily drinker. But, you are still an addict.
The crave is addiction. Thinkng...I could use a drink right now...is addiction.

My wife drinks 1 drink every 2 or 3 months. She is a normie. Drinking the govt max, 3 drinks a day, is addiction.

The crave and anxiety are brain damage. It is deep in your brain, the central nervous system. The receptors get dulled by the booze, a depressant, then get hyper when you go a few days w no booze.

This is a progressive process. It takes years before the damage is severe enough for you to really take notice. By then, you will be deeply addicted and getting clean will be extra painful.

Quit now, be a non drinker. Booze is a govt sanctioned toxin.

The anxiety you feel, that makes you want to drink, is caused by the booze.

Thanks for the post. Hope this helps.

Fortitude

I guess in a mental way, that's how I've been able to justify myself. As in a "I may be able to polish off a 750ml in a week's worth of drinking but at least that's not my daily intake"sort of thinking. I did impose at least one sober day on myself before any amount passed my lips but my intake is still unhealthy and I realize that now.

My recent anxiety started when I went through half a 1.5L of whiskey on St. Patty's day and the next two days afterward in a party and extended gaming binge with friends. I tried falling asleep and was stricken with a massive realization that I was on a terrible path if I didn't do something about it. And by massive I mean pulse-pounding panic attack. I guess it's a good thing I had it, though.

I'll certainly give your link a look. However, employment is still pretty awful in my area and there isn't much in the way of volunteer work that I've been able to get into so far. But I'm still looking. I'm also working with my therapist to break out of my thick shell and go socialize with (non-drinking) friends more often. Like I said, my urge to drink goes down dramatically when I'm actually out places. In the familiar humdrum of my own home and dealing with familial stress, it starts to set in.

Your honesty is also really appreciated. It's a blunt repetition of my own thoughts as of late. Although, I'm not sure if my current anxiety is more me craving or me still having an existential crisis about turning into an alcoholic. Those kinds of episodes tend to last a while for me.

I thank all of you for your responses. I didn't expect so many so quickly, if I may be honest.

Fabela

Your future self will thank you for taking action now. You don't want to wait until you hit rock bottom. I've recently come to the same conclusion myself, I want to turn this before it gets too bad.

Dee74

Welcome Fortitude

I certainly recommend helping others as a great way to become productive get out of your own head and fill your days. If there are no volunteer opportunities you like where you live there's always people to help on SR and, of course, people to help you too

D

Fortitude

I've always felt good about helping people, whether it be in real life or in a video game. It's just kind of my nature. I just don't think I'm qualified to help other people in my situation, especially right now!

Soberwolf

Welcome Fortitude

Ariesagain

Labels don't really matter...all they do is give your addiction an out, "See? You've never done item 6d or 7a! No problem here!"

Labels don't matter, results do. You know your body is telling you something...listen to it. I so wish I had when I was your age.

You might be amazed at how much initiative, confidence, and resourcefulness you really have when alcohol isn't convincing you you have none of those things. It's like a self-esteem remover, just apply booze and watch your best self disappear!

Why not try it? It's not easy at first, but this forum is a fantastic resource and someone is always awake somewhere.

thomas11

Use your age to your advantage and become sober. You will likely have a long and productive life. Read around long enough on this site and you will see people have lost decades to alcohol. Yet they are still thankful they quit, because unfortunately some don't make it.

Incontrol15

Good for you!

The fact is, you are training yourself now for your future. What you are today is a result of how you trained yourself in the past.

I trained myself that having fun meant drinking and smoking pot. Before that, I had fun reading, skiing, hiking, bike riding. But as soon as drugs and alcohol enters my life, I took the short cut. I used more and more over time.

We all want happiness. That's the bottom line, wouldn't you say? Successful career? Nah...we just want that so we can be happy. Maybe happiness is in that case is defined as doing something enjoyable or making decent coin while not working too hard.

Either way...all we want is happiness. When drugs or alcohol is used to achieve our goal, that's when the game is over. All the things that bring TRUE happiness go to the wayside. Maybe not immediately, but they absolutely do.

Our constant desire to achieve happiness moves from spiritual growth, emotional growth, knowledge growth, to consuming liquids, chemicals, or plants. We become emotionally, spiritually, and mentally ********. At best, we become emotionally stagnant.

At 49yrs old, I have the emotional maturity of an 18yr old. As I approach 1yr sobriety, I can say I'll have the maturity level of a 19yr old.

You're doing the right thing. You deserve to be as happy as you want. You deserve to have a successful life. The ONLY thing that will prevent you from achieving that is YOU. Believe it.

360startstoday

Good for you recognizing this problem!

I wish I'd have stopped at 23. I also knew I had a problem then, bit continued to kill my body for 10 years.

Just imagine all you can do and all the heartache you will save yourself if you become a non drinker today.

Jsbodhi

Hi! I'm a binge drinker too.
I've also never had a DUI, legal trouble, drank in the morning or everyday.
Even so, at 31-32 I started blacking out every single time I drank, I also started getting mean and crazy during the blackouts when I was always fun before.

I blacked out, fell, tore two major ligaments in my leg and its still not fully healed 8 months later last summer.
Things just get worse, honestly I'd quit while you're ahead, I have and I just love it.
I also drank out of boredom and work stress.

I also used to be able to go weeks without a drink, then at the end I couldn't make if past 9 days- but it was usually 4 days at the longest ( I tried to make it to 30 days for a year and couldn't)
It's pretty scary.
Don't wreck your life.

And don't worry; we're all pretty defensive when we get here
Xoxo

Oh yeah, I also gained 20lb extra from drinking I had to lose

least

Welcome to the family. It's good that you're looking to stop the downward spiral before it starts. All the things you said that haven't happened to you... haven't happened YET. So you're smart to stop drinking now before something bad happens.

Gonzoso

I was a binge drinker and had a lot of "not yets" until I didn't. I wish I had stopped sooner when I thought I might have a problem. It's cost me a few years of life and some time. 25 was when it went to crap for me.

Fortitude

Dumped out the remainder of my whiskey into the sink and trashed the bottle with extreme prejudice. Felt kind of cathartic, actually!

Feeling 100% sober and 100% fine, even cooked a full meal for the first time in a while. Hopefully, soda will be my only real addiction in life. At least that one is manageable!

Jsbodhi

Great to hear xoxo

Fortitude

Man, having a history of anxiety and panic attacks isn't fun.

Lately I've been web-diagnosing myself (stupid, I know!) and I'm just super super anxious about having all those nasty withdrawal symptoms and dying! I'm sure it'll pass, these things come and go in days-long waves for me sober or otherwise, but it's a nearly constant fear sitting in my chest.

Time to lay off the coffee and take it easy, I guess. Hope everyone's having an anxiety-free Easter!

Dee74

Hi Fortitude

yeah lay off Dr Google.

You're a few days sober now right?

If you feel ok, then all's well. If you're worried or you feel unwell go see a real Dr

D