birchroad21

I am the spouse of an alcoholic who was exposed in 2002 by my then 21 year old son. My son chose to keep the issue to himself at the age of 14 because he knew my views on alcoholism. I am a person that grew up with a fabulous single mom, who became single because of alcoholism. She then had to return to living with her alcoholic parents. So without knowing it I have lived with alcoholics all my life. Not what I had set out to do. We have been married for 38 years. I knew if we were to be successful as a family we had to do it together. I chose to support him as a friend until I could feel safe to be his wife. He began meetings but had difficulty letting his own family know. He has a very stable family, and a couple of his siblings always gave made me feel less than. He eventually talked to them. Unfortunately he had a relapse 7 years later, but we managed to survive that as well. (his family doesn't know of this time)his choice. He had managed to keep it hidden for 4 years. Of late he showed some traits I remembered when he was drinking. I had told him if he ever relapsed please tell me because I will always be there. He told me that if I ever thought he was drinking to just ask. I wish to say that he is a fabulous individual, and I truly see this. My situation now leaves me distressed. So I did ask him and he was blown away and said he had not. His reaction was to question me as to why I thought this and he focused on two of the 5 things I indicated and he then complained that I should know why he was sleeping all the time and gaining weight. So much for the "just ask me" promise.
Compounding this is an situation that happened in our marriage 22 years ago when another man made advances to me and I did not shut it down. My husband kept this issue to himself. So when ever I mention how I'm handling marital or family problems and I begin to tell him how I feel about incidents surrounding my doubts about his drinking he brings up how he was hurt by me and that I am always focusing on how "I"feel. He has yelled at me twice now "that **** everything is always about you". I try to point out how his reaction to my doubt makes me feel that I shouldn't ask. We did discuss this calmly after and he tried to point out I had changed lately and that even with our friends I always talk about myself. Then to help is cause he said I even tried to steer you back to the other peoples' topic. Now this leads me to think that he doesn't like who I am. He has doubted me about me starting a relationship with someone else for 21 years and lets me know that he does. I thought he could understand that I would have doubts and would know how I feel. Instead I feel that I am at fault for questioning him. I have broken all ties with my sibling (alcoholism and drugs)and have no parents. So I feel very vulnerable. I do not want to burden my kids with this.

Dee74

Hi Birchroad

Have you and your husband ever tried any kind of counselling? Sometimes it can help to communicate with a mediator in the room, especially if there are unresolved issues in the relationship from years back, as it seems there are here?

D

birchroad21

We have both done counselling. He has difficulty talking about personal things, and in his program there were a couple of people who worked at the same emergency services as he did and he didn't like that things may get back to his colleagues. So he slowly pulled away from the meetings. I don't believe my telling or asking that he attend the meetings is my responsibility. He's needs to face it not me. He doesn't share his thoughts about his disease or difficulties in any part of his life. He worked as EMS personnel for 30 years and I heard more about the calls that were traumatic and those that were close to him losing his life, in his first month of retirement than I did in the 30 years. I on the other hand share with my closest friends, he resents that I've discussed our marriage. What is hard for me is that he feels I should not have any thoughts that he may start drinking again. Am I to just hope he won't drink and go about life as if it won't happen again?

Dee74

I think you very definitely deserve support too.
Have you considered AlAnon at all?

D

least

Welcome to the family. I hope you can find the support you need, both here and in real life.

Soberwolf

Welcome Birchroad

birchroad21

Thank you for your thoughts and quotes. Just having someone to express my feelings too has helped. I've had some difficult issues in my life from a very young age and I've always walked looking forward. I am a very optimistic individual. Soberwolf I have learned much from life and used that in my profession, and feel I have a very successful career. Growth with out comprehending the why cannot happen. I still wonder why my honesty of letting my husband know I was worrying about a setback in his recovery. He told me if I ever think he is drinking to just ask. I did and in the end he says that set him back because he thought he had earned our trust (me along with the kids). What approach do I use if I doubt him.

As for Alanon. I have looked into it and found it was very much based on God and your faith. My belief is in the creator who has given us mother earth and all the creatures to care for. So I find that the christian beliefs I grew up with has some flaws and I feel that groups of people doing good on Sundays, but are living a different reality all the rest of the week are not the support system I would choose.

Again thanks for your ear. Without that my words seem silent.

Dee74

I wish you the best

D