skywalker91

#53 (permalink)
Today 09:55 PM by skywalker91
I have missed you all so much. It's been intense. So I went to the sober living in California. It turned out to be a facility with not much structure. We were allowed to have our phones and computer. The staff was not there 24/7. Moreover, my roommate had just relapsed right before I arrived. I gave it almost 2 weeks until yes I relapsed in the one place I thought would never use. It was a big blow to everything. If you guys recall I was sober 8 months prior and relapsed in NY then spent a good chunk of my savings to go back to LA where I had a bunch of AA buddies only to relapse when I got there I even checked out another sober living facility while I was out there and it turned out to have 3 large dogs ( phobia). I reconnected with a good chunk of my AA buddies that I spent almost 2 years missing. There was also a guy I met in AA back when I was in LA that I tried to reconnect with. He seemed very busy and it broke my heart that he didn't really make as much of an effort to meet me as I did. I booked my ticket back to NY and my first weekend back here I used again. Then, I checked out an AA meeting out in Manhattan. I felt great. Then as I was planning to go to a second meeting yesterday my old using buddy texted me and I ended up using instead. I humiliated myself yesterday. I don't know how I returned into the vicious cycle. What I did learn finally is that a geographic doesn't necessarily fix everything. I also learned that I have to stop blaming others and that this is ultimately my choice. I know myself and going to a meeting on my own just isn't something that I have the strength for right now. I feel like I will use if I do go outside. I realized that I want to stay home for at least a full 30 days before I even begin to try meetings again. I know AA isn't the only way to stay sober but I will try it out again when I have more clean time. As far as staying home it will work because my mom is home everyday as my dad has Parkinson's and she is the caretaker. And if she does go out she is happy to take me with her. Also, I reconnected with my cousins that have been extremely supportive as soon as I got back to NY. I have been feeling like garbage and have utterly reached the point where I don't want to use ever again. Going to LA and ending up in a sober living that caused more problems than solutions taught me that I can't keep running away. Help will be there if I want it. And the drugs and alcohol will be there if I want it. WHEREVER I go. I think finding a therapist is pivotal for me so I will look into that as well. However as of now I will stay home and aim to get to 30 days. I've missed SR and will start writing here again. Can you guys please recommend how to pass time in the early days of sobriety? I decided to hold off on returning to work and school right now until I get to a decent amount of time clean. Keep in prayers you guys.

Also I don't want my experience in this sober living I went stop anyone from going to one. I have been to an amazing sober living once out in LA which is why I wanted to return to LA. Unfortunately this sober living was just not a match for me due to the lack of structure and the one I attended before is just too darn expensive.

SoberinSyracuse

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Do take care of yourself.

Purplrks3647

Welcome back! Still a newcomer here so I'm not much help in the advice department....just wanted to say hello - and for me it helps to stick close to the forums. Lots of support, wisdom, and encouragement here!

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank but glad you're back skywalker91.

Not sure I understand the rationale of waiting 30 days until you hit a meeting again...I mean I understand what the motivation is, but it seems kinda like cuttign your nose off to spite your face?

Use all the support you can find, I reckon

D

Irnldy001

Hey Skywalker
I'm sorry to hear of your journey. I think you know what to do in terms of help. So I will just answer your question about what you DO with yourself during early days - I guess I'll just share what I did.
1) I read a lot of books - mostly books written by addicts who had recovered. I read the AA Big Book.
2) I watched a lot of Netflix and drank a lot of chammomile honey tea
3) I got my husband to take ballroom dance classes with me
4) I decided to ask my kids guitar teacher if he had room for one more lesson in our session. I love playing guitar now - do it twice or thrice a day and yes, I'm an obsessive, but I'd rather binge on music
5) Journal. Good, bad, ugly.
6) Gratitude list at the end of every day. No matter what.
7) Pushed myself to pray every day, even though I wasn't convinced about any higher power, decided to fake it until I made it. Simple prayer. Non-demonitational prayer. It started as "God, if you are there, I am asking you to take over my will today. I do not want to drink today, and I have no control. I am asking you to take that control". It eventually morphed into deeper prayer and mediation.
8) I did go to AA. I didn't really talk to people at first though they were certainly friendly. I'm still a regular at AA. The lovely people I've met and know are not part of my social circle. There was simply no way in my life that I could explain how I knew them without hurting a lot of people. I think in this sense, I've never allowed myself to feel hurt/let down by AA fellows.
9) I did go outside. Walks, bike rides. I found the anxiety got too high if I didn't keep moving.
10) Regular doctor apts. I confessed all. He helped me detox at home. I see him regularly. Having him on the team has made a huge difference THIS TIME. I went dry twice before without ever asking for help - realized I couldn't do it and make it stick without my Dr on board. The reason I didn't tell him the first two times is because I was still bargaining. There was no need to tell him, because as soon as I showed myself that I "had this" then I could moderate etc....blah

I hope some or any of this helps. You can replace dance/guitar/walk/bike with anything you've ever been curious about learning. Keeping your brain trained on some new fun goals is a big helper.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back skywalker. Sounds like you have some good ideas about how/why you ended up where you are now. You are fortunate to have your family to reconnect with and live with, take advantage of the opportunity to get back to AA and really make a full effort this time. Seeking therapy sounds like a great idea too if you have the ability to do so.

skywalker91

Thank you so much! I love all the suggestions. Did you head to meetings on your own in the very beginning? Also, I love your suggestion on journaling and writing a gratitude list every night and prayer. I appreciate it so much :0)

Delilah1

Welcome back Skywalker, I'm sorry the facility didn't end up being a good fit. I agree about reading and journaling. Also, try to get outside and hike/walk. I know you said you don't want to leave the house, but there is something about nature that helps me be calm.

Please keep posting to let is know how you are doing.

❤️ Delilah

skywalker91

Hey purplrks! Thanks I will definitely be on here more regularly. It really helps me to be able to pull up a thread and read how others have made it to long term sobriety or a craving/relapse so yes so much help on this site if I seek it.

skywalker91

Thanks Scott! Yes I am very grateful for my family they haven't given up on me and I appreciate it so much. I wish I could simply DEAL with my feelings rather than turning to using. Im getting sick and tired man but I can't give up

chrcarlson

I think there is a mechanical element to early sobriety. Not too much mental work or struggle just simply doing some different things. The list that Irnldy001 posted is great.

skywalker91 is you do 5 or 6 things on that list staying away from drink will be much easier. Personally I recommend staying away from ballroom dancing, any of the rest of it looks.

I last got drunk Dec 8 went to AA Dec 9 and haven't had a drink since. It has helped.

skywalker91

Thank you Delilah soo good to hear from you again. I am glad I don't have any regrets on not giving the facility a chance. However, it is unfortuante. I have actually been distant from God since I came back because of how let down I was that LA didn't work out but I can't blame Him when things don't go my way. It took me a while to see that. I will definitely keep you posted on my progress.

skywalker91

Yes a great list indeed. Ah I am so glad AA has been helping you. Def will try out the activities on the list I will take your warning against ball room dancing lol

skywalker91

Thank You!

Irnldy001

Skywalker
Yes, I did go to AA right away. I met with my Dr that morning, we developed a medical plan, then that night went to my first meeting. Went back to the doctor second day and AA that night.
I went in raw. Crying. No one made a fuss. I pretty much ran out the door at the end to avoid conversation as it looked like people were headed my way. Second meeting I had a ton of phone numbers thrown at me. By the time I got home and looked at them I couldn't place a face to the name/numbers! I just kept coming back, and soon the faces had personalities and we enjoy each others company when we are together.
I've had two sponsors. Unfortunately the first one relapsed, which sent me spiralling for a while, but not using. It took me a long time to get my second sponsor, but she has been an AA friend for a while and I finally swallowed my pride and asked. She and I are working the steps diligently and I am more free every day. I now have one year and three months sober. The urge is not there. I have tiny moments. Last night at ballroom class, there was a closed bottle of wine in their beverage area. I go in there at the start of every class to pour myself a club soda for the class. I took a glance at it, had a moment, then quickly went to the bathroom and said a prayer and took one minute to meditate and ask myself how much I wanted that wine. The answer is always, not more than I want my sobriety. I let it go and enjoyed a good class.
Ballroom is not for everyone, but it was important as I had placed so much distance between me and husband that we needed to start reconnecting in many many ways. I have stopped ignoring him for the tv and the glass in my hand. It has made all the difference.

ScottFromWI

That is really the es sense of sobriety - learning to deal with your feelings and life in general without using. And also acknowledging that drinking/using is not "dealing" with it...it's simply running away/avoidance. The problems are still there and still very real.

The big question is HOW you do that, right? That's where the real work comes in - because there is no "easy" way to go about it. No matter what type of path you choose to sobriety it will require work. It will also require you to do things you don't want to do. Your plan to return to AA and seek therapy is a sound plan....you simply need to implement it and follow through. The 12 steps of AA are a lot more about learning to live your life than they are about not drinking, and therapy can also help you see if there are underlying issues ( anxiety, depression, etc ) that are holding you back too.

skywalker91

That is amazing! Especially that moment when you had that temptation but you said a prayer instead. I want to be able to leave it to my higher power when I have cravings I hope I can get to that point. Also, I don't really have such a close relationship with my doctor to be able to get vulnerable with her. However, I will have my first therapist appointment tomorrow and hopefully I will feel comfortable with the therapist.

skywalker91

Also, as far as sponsors go..are you allowed to ask anyone to be your sponsor? One person did offer but I don't know if he's the best fit. I get pretty nervous when it comes to sponsorship.

skywalker91

Absolutely agree! To be honest, I have never been consistent with therapy. The longest I've done it has been 3 months and stopped because financially couldn't afford that therapist. The one I am going to start seeing accepts my insurance so it's a matter of staying consistent. Sometimes my ego gets in the way or my alcoholic thinking which tells me that I don't need the help or therapy.

As far as doing things that require work, my 8 months sober I did do some pretty uncomfortable stuff but it was more towards work and school. I did a self reflection by writing a lot BUT I avoided therapy/outpatient/meetings/step work. I simply don't always like sharing my feelings face to face on a group level. But maybe that's something I have to deal with to achieve long term sobriety.

Irnldy001

You can absolutely have a say in whom you would like to have as a sponsor. They say to get a sponsor right away, but in my neck of the woods we suggest a temporary sponsor to get you situated and into the flow, and then you get introduced to possible long term sponsors. You find the right fit and you ask the person. Your temp sponsor is never offended - it's what they were doing all along - getting you to the next place you need to be. I was way more proactive this time in getting the right sponsor for me. She's really hardcore into AA, and eats/breathes it. Because I seem to live two lives (one for the world, the other in AA) I needed a sponsor that would really shake my tree in the program. I didn't have that the first time. I needed it, now I am getting it. Your best sponsor may not be someone you liked off the bat. I didn't like my sponsor the first month that I knew her. Over time I came to understand her more. It took me a year of knowing her to ask. Now we've done three months together and we've done more in that three months than I did in my first year sober. I wouldn't have guessed she'd have been the 'one' but she is.