fantail

Today I had a stressful day. I woke up to news that a friend of mine had changed her plans in a way that significantly impacts me. We were meant to be moving in together in the next month; I was looking forward to it and had been since late last year. She decided that she isn't going to move to this city right away.

I went through the day at work, with my bad feelings growing. I didn't eat anything, I was so upset. I felt absolutely alone when I realized that I don't have anyone I could really call to talk to. Eventually I cried for a while. Around 8 at night I went out and walked around the neighborhood for an hour because I had so much nervous energy from feeling alone, overwhelmed, and faced with the big decision of whether to keep the apartment myself or give it up. I was unhappy.

By the time I was done walking I was still down but felt better, and I'd made some decisions about what I want to do. By the time I ended up chatting with her later, I was genuinely enthusiastic about the plans she has even though they are at odds with the plans we had. I enjoyed talking to her and got excited for her and felt OK about my own new situation.

I never even thought about drinking, you guys. And wow what a better person I am because of it.

I often think I wasn't all that selfish because I mostly drank alone and didn't involve too many other people. But if I were still a drinker I would not be happy for my friend. I wouldn't really have been listening to her; I'd just have been falling apart inside and wondering why she didn't care enough to come be here with me. Me me me. I might not have said any of that. But that would have been the case.

I'd also not have any new plans. I'd be paused in the moment of finding out and feeling abandoned.

It blew me away when I got to the end of the day and realized, wow, I just handled that whole thing the way a non-alcoholic would. And a healthy non-alcoholic at that.

Fake it til you make it indeed.

Dee74

Awesome post fantail -

D

CaseyW

Thank you so much for this. I'm not where you are yet but I know it's possible.

Great stuff.

Melina

Awesome job on being there for your friend! I hope great things happen for you as well!

I love noticing when I handle things in a non-alcoholic way. My improving behavior feels so good. I wish I always would have known how to treat people, but all I can do is work on it now and let it shine!

Great post, thank you!

MythOfSisyphus

Sounds like you handled it well, fantail. That's what it's all about- finding better ways to cope with life than drinking about it.

Soberwolf

Thank you Fantail

sleepie

Awesome Fantail, good for you

So glad to hear that you are seeing benefits to sobriety. Keep walkin'

SoberinSyracuse

Exactly! And after a few bad days here and there, you realize alcohol never helped at all.

Plus, when you wake up the next day without a hangover, it truly IS another day. (Rather a continuation of the previous, crummy day.)

Hawkeye13

Great example of how we can recover, and not just stop drinking
Thank you fantail!

yinzer

Great post, fantail. And so true.

Leshar

What an encouraging post to read this morning! I'm happy for you.
Good luck with whatever new plans you come up with.

least

Yes, it was quite a surprise to me when I was able to handle problems without drinking over them. But what a good feeling.

Anna

I love this Fantail, and you should be proud of how far you've come.

fantail

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

I remember realizing on an intellectual level that drinking wasn't good for processing feelings, but I'd also kind of brush it off like, hey, I'm still feeling things, I'm working through it. But it's clear to me how going directly to alcohol in the moment that I felt my worst was like hitting the repeat button on a song. I just felt the same thing over and over again. Not really sure how to explain it but taking a drink really is like freezing a moment in time and just staying there.

Also -- yeah, I'm starting to realize that part of being a good friend is self sufficiency. I'm ashamed to realize how often in the last year of drinking I thought of friends as life rafts rather than people. That's a really strong revelation that I'm grateful to be starting to have.

fini

love this!

such a cool thing to see that change has come and we handle things differently, with some grace and real presence for others instead of convoluted self-centered "how could you do this to me!?!"

shirlygirly

I went to a meeting last night and we were talking about our first "spiritual experience." When I was drinking, I drank over EVERYTHING. One of my last drunks was over a bad haircut, which frankly wasn't even a bad haircut. My first "spiritual experience" was at about 9 months sober. I was in a rush and spilled a cup of coffee all over a book in my bedroom. Normally, my anger would've been through the roof! Instead, my instant reaction was, "Glad I already read that book!" I was actually grateful. It was the slightest change at the time, but it was a big deal. From there my thinking began to shift. My perspective changed. And drinking? It's a thought that rarely crosses my mind.

One of the guys at the same meeting shared a story about his friend's spiritual experience, which sounds like yours. This guy was an IV drug user most of his life. He got sober and a year into sobriety an old using buddy came to his house and asked him if he had a plunger. His reaction was, "Of course! It's upstairs in the bathroom." His friend didn't need to unclog a sink, he needed a plunger for a syringe so he could shoot up. And here this guy didn't even think about using when he was asked that question.

Moral of these random stories...go you! Walking through experiences, especially uncomfortable or upsetting ones, without thinking about drinking is a big deal.

Ruby2

Great post fantail. You've given me inspiration because sometimes I get stuck in the "why are you doing this to me?" trap. I hope good things come to you both.