whatalaska

Yesterday was supposed to be such a happy occasion. Things didn't quite go to plan.

I do this thing - and on reflection it's just awful and mean, where I start arguments as a way to justify my drinking. But at the time i genuinely believe the words I am saying. At the same time I know they are empty words too, on a more subconscious level.

I'd been sober 16 days, and life had generally got better and easier. My partner, she doesn't get involved with alcohol anymore. I get so defensive and insecure because of it, as soon as i mention it she leaves the room. Or she says "Have a drink if you want a drink, i'm not getting involved".
So at around 6pm, i started an argument with my partner, basically for an excuse to start drinking, i think thats why it happened.
We went out at 6.30, a friend had come over from abroad, and all the old gang was there. I didn't event attempt to not drink. The first thing I did was get a pint. Then our friend sprung the news that him and his partner were having a baby. We all celebrated more.

Then my partner left. I should have gone with her. I'm marrying her in October, and I love her to bits. She wasn't very well either - but i chose alcohol over her and stayed out. I also started chatting to this other girl, i'm not a flirty person at all, but we talked all night and i think everyone got the wrong idea and ideas into their heads from some comments that were said by a friend at the time.

I made a huge fool out of myself, I cant remember what i did after a certain point. After everyone left, i went drinking on my own. I even bought narcotics, an old habit which i hate. Luckily i didn't take much and flushed the rest this morning. I feel like such a failure, it's making me cringe writing this. Reading it back I sound like such a horrible individual.

I can't seem to get through three weeks. I'm sick of not being in control of my life. I feel so down at the moment. I guess i deserve to.

love to u all - whatalaska

yinzer

I chose alcohol over many partners. Never a good choice and I lost some great people.
You CAN get through three weeks and an entire lifetime and be much happier. I hope you don't forget how alcohol can screw up your life. Day 1 again today?

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that Whatalaska. Realizing the problem is certainly part of the solution..and it seems you can identify one of the excuses you are using to drink. But have you truly and fully accepted that there is no excuse worth drinking? For me I had to unconditionally accept that drinking is NEVER an option for me, no matter what excuse or justification I might conjure up.

Along with that acceptance I needed a plan...something I could fall back on any time I had cravigns/urges and something that I followed daily. Have you tried following any particular plan or method? It can really help.

thomas11

Based on your OP, by your own admission alcohol is doing nothing good for you. In fact, it sounds like its tearing your life apart piece by piece, and you admit as much. I believe you will thank yourself if you put a lot of effort into getting and staying sober. I'm sure it doesn't feel good to write posts like that. But I respect you honesty. Wish you the best.

Soberwolf

Having a plan really really helps

nomis

Wow, sounds horrible Alaska. When I read posts like yours, it makes me grateful I'm not living like that anymore. The insanity is just so exhausting. And I lived like that for a LONG time.

Recovery is possible for all us. If what you're doing right now isn't working, perhaps it's time to get out of your comfort zone and make some changes. I can't emphasize enough how worth it, it will be. You deserve a better life.

whatalaska

Hi Yinzer, yes I need to put my partner and family first and support them and love them, not the beer. Whenever I have done in the past, everything becomes better. But i've spent the majority of my life living in alcohol, i'm not used to everything being fine. It's almost like my brain rejects it. But hey, I can learn to love it, and i'm gonna have to. Yup, Day 1 again today. Thanks for the reply.

Hi Scott, I havent tried any plans, can you recommend any? I do make excuses for drinking, and convince myself it makes sense. I need to cut out drinking full stop. But truthfully, that scares me. I know it needs to be done though. I dont like the thought of becoming an outcast socially, which for some reason i've convinced myself i will be if i quit indefinitely. I've also got my stag do and wedding coming up. How do i tackle those

Thanks for your best wishes thomas. I'm going to put all the effort in i can,

thanks everyone, whatalaska

ScottFromWI

A very good read if you haven't done so yet is the following thread. It outlines many of the plans/programs that folks here on SR have used. There is no "better" plan than another, they are simply different. Some people use multiple ones and that's fine too. SR itself can be part of your program, there are daily/monthly threads in the newcomers subsection you can join, and the general forums are a great place to learn.

The bottom line though is that none of them will work unless you make the effort and accept that drinking is not an option anymore. It sounds like you are still wrangling with that idea - spending time here on SR can help you make that decision, so can attending meetings, counseling, etc. Regarding your upcoming party, quite frankly you might have to either cancel it or make it an alcohol free party - which is entirely possible. As alcoholics/addicts we tend to think that everyone's world revolves around alcohol....but the truth is that's not the case.

Here's the link...give it a good read.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Ariesagain

Okay, I'm going to challenge you gently on your worrying about your wedding and stag night. You spent last night binge drinking to the point where you abandoned your girlfriend when she wasn't feeling well, flirted with another woman all night, blacked out, and bought drugs. So any number of things could have happened...you could be in jail for possession or public intoxication, you could have cheated on your fiancee, you could have been seriously injured or hurt someone else.

In how many of those scenarios are you still getting married this fall or does your fiancee drop you by the side of the road and drive on?

You were very lucky and it might be something to think about?

SoberinSyracuse

The fact that you can string together a few weeks sober is encouraging. You have what it takes to do this. But you need more tools and more support to really get up and running. Life only gets better when you quit, and stay quit. You don't want this kind of stuff hanging like a dark cloud over your head as your wedding approaches.

Get something in place immediately, and if it turns out it's not a great fit, you can look for a better fit later. But for now, get a game plan going. Refer to that "Recovery Programs..." thread and commit to make a phone call or two today, and have a meeting (either individual or group) this week. Act quickly to turn this ship around!

P.S. Aries is right. You stand to lose it all if you keep horsing around like this.

CaseyW

That thread Scott linked to is a powerful one. Give it a close read and see if there's something there you can put into action.

I'm sorry you decided to drink but am glad you're back with us today. Hope you're able to make things right with your partner and that last night is a wake-up call for your own recovery plans. I've found that the more effort I put into my own recovery, the more I get out of recovery. Wishing you the best today...

SoberinSyracuse

OMG. You're worried about becoming a social outcast if you quit drinking and drugging? That ain't how it works. That is BIG BIG BIG delusional thinking.

In the real world, nobody cares whether or not you drink. In fact, people admire sober, well-behaved men.

You stand a much bigger chance of being a social outcast by continuing in your current ways. People are whispering about you today. Is that not enough of a social embarrassment for you??? You're already the subject of gossip and disdain, and your finacee is the subject of pity.

What to do about your wedding and "stag party?" Well, at your wedding, you will not drink alcohol. LOTS AND LOTS of people get married without imbibing. And as for your "stag" party, I recommend you replan that and instead have a dignified engagement party for you and your fiancee. After your conduct at the bar with that other woman, the last thing she deserves is to have you out in public drunk and fondling a stripper or something.

You need to do the right thing here. It's inside you. You can do it if you want.

whatalaska

These were difficult to read but that's because they're true. I feel like I've let everyone down. Thanks for telling it like it is guys.

Ariesagain

We're rooting for you to have a wonderful sober life...and it's within your power. You can do this!

Aellyce

Hi whatalaska,

Lots of good advice here. I second the posts recommending that you make a plan what you are going to do for your recovery. That was what made the difference for me when I quit for 2 years, before I never lasted longer than 3 days because I was not doing anything to make sobriety a way of living. Then relapsed after 2 years, before which I pretty much stopped taking care of my recovery for a while.

My suggestion is always to get informed about the different approaches and try a bunch of them - see what helps. I feel that often what prevents people from getting and staying sober is reservations about the different tools even before trying them, or not using them consistently.

My other suggestion is that you do this for yourself, not for a partner or other social environment. That is far too dangerous as what if relationships change, I think it's best to count primarily on ourselves for a driving force or the things (support etc) we do specifically for recovery. That feeling of letting others down only generates shame and that we want to stand up to external expectations, but those typically change like the weather and often do not serve our well being. I think recovery is best being an internal business, a change from the inside out. It's about developing lots of new skills and a brand new way of living and relating to the external world.

FLCamper

Alaska, it looks like you already got some good advice here. Personally, I'd rather someone be direct than coddle me.
If you look around, you'll see that there are a lot of non-drinkers in the world. You will not be a social outcast - it will just take some practice. If your partner doesn't drink maybe she can help. Having someone to lean on for those first few sober outings helped me greatly.
You made it through 16 days. You can start over today and get to 16 days and beyond that. Keep posting here and let us know how you are.

least

I hope you make that your last relapse ever.

whatalaska

Aellyce, thanks for taking the time to post and support me. Infact, thanks to all of you. I now see that a 'plan' to stick to for recovery is the best thing for me, and i will look at the link provided in depth and try my best.

I will do, thank you.

whatalaska

My partner has come home from work and i've spent the majority writing down how i feel and what i actually want to achieve. Thanks to your guidance i am going to go with a plan and stick to it, and keep using this forum and engaging with all you lovely people for support.

We've had a chat and had a good and meaningful talk. I think I want sobriety more than alcohol. I think i want things to get better.

Thanks everyone.

FreeOwl

Over 2 years sober, I am a happier and better man than ever.

You can be, too.... and it's obvious that alcohol is bringing you into an abyss.

Give it up and embrace sobriety.... you will be so incredibly glad you did.