RedAndy

Far too often and far too long for me and the reason I had to stop also due to the unpredictable and problematic situations I'd put myself in - thanks for the reminder - helps with any thoughts of missing out.

My last blackout on the night I last drank resulted in my face smashed up and not a clue how it had happened and also very lucky I wasn't arrested in the UAE - don't know if I was beaten up or fell - I have a feeling it was the former but I cannot be sure and that really does make me question just what state I was in on a regular basis.

Countless times I was told after the event what I had been doing / pics of places and things I had no recollection of, one video on a stag do in Benidorm, Spain, all high rise tower block hotels and we were staying on one of the top floors, one friend had somehow got me back to the apartment as I had turned from the good laugh into the usual nuisance (referred to in the group as who was babysitting Andy) and I ended up out on the balcony with a couple of friends trying to make sure I didn't end up over the side - again absolutely no recollection but strangely enough despite the dangers that I was all to accustomed to putting myself & others in on a regular basis that still didn't register or stop me as I thought it was just the way it was and continued for a good few years thereafter.

Another time I ended up in the kitchen of a busy city centre bar peeing in a bucket - absolutely no recollection of it, 2 friends I was with saw the bouncers throwing me out in a rather forceful manner - understandably - oblivious to the reason I was being chucked out and losing my temper thereafter- I really was a liability and not very nice at all once in that state.

Crazy thing is I would end up coming round after being blackout sometimes for a good few hours and just continue - used to actually look forward to knowing the fact that I could then go again but would be in an out of it without ever knowing - I can clearly see now that's really not right.

Served as a timely reminder that there is no fun to be had in such situations and that the dangers would return all too soon - thank you.

soberclover

When I talk with my students I say that a blackout is reserved for alcohol only and it is when a person is walking, talking, functioning, but not very well at all. Anything can happen during a blackout....driving, walking, having sex,continuing to drink.....

The blackout happens because the section of our brain that is responsible for memories is being damaged. Once that area is damaged...it is permanent. Some people drink little and instantly blackout because they have done that much damage. That is why alcoholics often suffer ongoing memory issues. It becomes especially challenging for the alcoholic who has done this type of damage to the memory AND was a head-banger when they often fell....yup, that was me. TBI and memory loss from my drinking is an interesting combination.

OpenTuning

It's interesting thinking about memories, as one thing I've noticed since quitting 10 months ago, is that my memory seems to have improved. I can't test this scientifically, but I know that when it comes to learning the guitar, I'm remembering riffs and chord progressions of new songs better, and feel relaxed when playing them rather than being anxious that I'll forget them (which I often did in gigs). And after 3 years of trying and failing, I've finally just memorised all the notes on the fretboard. I'm sure I've done permanent damage to some parts of my brain, but it does feel like there's some healing going on. Hope so anyway

Steely

It is so good to no longer wake filled with dread about what I did or did not do the evening before. Dread leads to more dread and life becomes dreadful full time.

For this reason alone (there are many others) sobriety is so worth it.

Dee74

There are still large parts of a *decade* I cannot remember, even when prompted.
That's one thing about recovery that has not got better for me.

D

thomas11

I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts. It is simply more evidence that drinking should simply not be a part of our lives. At the same time, I believe it also is evidence how powerful alcohol can be. We have had these blackouts, said and done horrible things, and yet seemed to continue to get pulled back into the abyss.

Aellyce

Most of my blackouts were partial in that I had hazy and fragmented memory of what I said and did drunk. But there were quite a few also when I had absolutely no recollection and only learned about something from finding evidence later (eg. emails or material remains from the episode). The most terrifying in many of my experiences was that alcohol often made me very delusional and, I should say, at least borderline psychotic. Sober, I never have some of the thoughts and feelings I had very drunk. Like I had psychic powers and some sort of mysterious connection with "the universe" or someone else. And those very dark fantasies about the world ending and stuff like that. Drinking also often made me suicidal and I'm lucky that I never acted on those impulses in a blackout state. I did not have many memory gaps during the first few years of my heavy drinking, but once they started, I experienced at least a level of blackout every time I drank a certain amount. The general consensus seems to be similar for most people as far as I know. High doses of alcohol starts affecting how our brains work (or does not work) in quite persistent ways. According to neuroscience, those memories are not lost actually but are never formed in the first place.

Jsbodhi

Thanks for posting.
I have done this, at the end of my drinking it only took 3-4 drinks for a blackout to happen.
Thankfully my sober memory is still ok, but it used to be sharp as a whip.
Xo
So scary

Jsbodhi

Thanks for the tread thomas.
The blackouts were my biggest shame, fear and horror of my drinking,and it's nice to hear from others on it

amazingjoy

I agree, this is a helpful reminder of what can be so devastating. I have to remember how serious blackouts are...