zumboat

So I'm on day 4 now and long drives have been keeping my mind off drinking. Two days ago my significant other said she'd leave if one more bottle of wine came into the house and it didn't matter when - 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 years from now. I don't think she understands I'm quitting for me not her. I already know if a bottle were to come into the house in 6 months she'd leave and I'd be all pissed off and on a week long bender.

I can't even talk to her and seeing her makes me so angry. I have thoughts like "I wish you would just go." We've only been together a year but it was a very nice year. The last thing I need to worry about is her when right now I need to be selfish and take care of me. Especially when the support isn't positive. I'm so confused and not too many things are making sense right now.

Anyways, thanks for listening. It helps a little just typing this out.

JD

Zimboat, all you can do is work on your recovery, and keep wine out of your house and life. What she does is up to her. She has lost trust in you, and rightly so as us alcoholics often lie and hide. Whether she ever trusts you again is up to her. Only time and your continued sobriety will tell. Maybe not what you don't want to hear but take care of yourself and let her take care of her self. It's all you can do.

OpenTuning

Hi zumboat,

I understand how stressful things must be right now, but it sounds from what you wrote that you already have the right attitude. You're quitting for yourself. That's all you can do.

The one thing we all have to learn is that the only person we have any control over is ourselves. It's fantastic to have the kind of support we want or feel we need, but that isn't something we can count on. Other people have all kinds of reasons why they may not be able to offer that. If she's threatening to leave if any more alcohol comes into the house, it would suggest she feels she has been negatively affected by your past drinking. Whether or not you agree with that, you can't control how she feels. And it may well take time for her to see the positive changes emerge from your quitting. Or to trust that you really are quitting. 4 days sober may be a huge deal for many people on here, but is no time at all for normal drinkers.

Don't know if this helps at all, but hopefully as the days, then weeks, then months of sobriety start to add up, you'll both start to experience the benefits and the pressure you feel under right now will ease up a bit. All we can do is not drink right now. That's all we have any control over. As long as you keep doing that, you don't need to worry about the future.

schnappi99

My wife is a recovering alcoholic, so I'm in the place of your SO. I would say she may be very resentful, conflicted and obsessed- living with an alcoholic is very stressful and latent dysfunctional tendencies (control, martyrdom, etc) can be strongly manifested and things can get very distorted. That was the case for my wife and I anyhow. Its a difficult recovery for friends & family. In fact, the night it all came out for us, I gave her the big "if you ever do this again I'm asking you to leave" speech; hugely self-righteous and all that- it wouldn't surprise me if your SO was acting (perhaps badly) out of a very provoked state. I would only suggest patience and acceptance for and of one another are precious commodities.

jazzfish

While it may being frustrating, I personally think it is quite healthy to set boundaries and let the other person know what they are. That said, there is a clear distinction between setting boundaries and nagging.

maia1234

Z,
Congrats on day 4!! I would have given my right arm for my axh to have a day 4. Since I was with my x for 34 years of his drinking career, you build up a lot of anger towards the drinking partner, in other words she has put up with a lot of disappointments. I think it is awesome about you not drinking, but what help is she getting? As they say, us codies are as sick as the addicts.

Maybe you could suggest her visiting an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting to educate herself about this horrible disease. We become crazy, we dont realize it and we don't have the disease. I wish you luck with your journey into sobriety. I hope that while you are not drinking, that you are working a program, as the drinking is only part of the problem.

Hugs my friend I hope you have many more days of sobriety!!

Soberwolf

Grats on day 4 Zumboat I know your getting sober for you but its clear your drinking has affected her & it her prerogative to say that

I know your getting sober for you but realise the drinking has affected her to the point she will end the relationship over it -

Rooting for you bud

thomas11

You are not married and it does not sound like there are kids in the relationship so first things first, get yourself "fixed" first. Get some sober time, your life will change, and then re-evaluate the entire relationship. You might surprise yourself.

sleepie

zumboat congrats on day 4

Please forgive this version of brutal honesty, though I hope it imparts something useful.

I truly think it is a caring gesture for both parties to leave if alcohol enters the household. It says to me this person wants a relationship with you, not drunk you. I drank for years only wishing anyone gave me this kind of ultimatum, which understandably sounds weird.

Alcohol is very drama inducing. People can only take so much and it's hard to watch someone destroy their self or body or life with alcohol. Nobody wants to do that.

It's also standing out a bit that you say you are getting sober for you, not her- yet also you say that if she left you'd be drinking again. So maybe it's time to get real about getting sober for you.

It seems that drinkers sometimes expect this unconditional love regardless of their actions. I know a recovered alcoholic who was very bitter for some time, thinking nobody was worth his friendship who didn't want him around when he was drunk.

I understand that need. But also, I understand that it's rather unreasonable and maybe this is a void that needs some looking after in more constructive ways.

You may want to try AA or another form of support, it is not unreasonable to want her support however you can't let her be your only support- again you are getting sober for you.

Please go forth with sobriety, I know you will do well

Jsbodhi

It sucks, but you've probably pushed her to the end of rope.
When people say its important to be selfish and work on you; that doesn't mean be self righteous, selfish jerk.
If she has said that you I can only imagine what she's already been through.

Upward2Enlightenment

Zumboat, it's also possible that she feels that she is helping you by threatening you. As has already been said, we don't know what you two have been through but as you said, you have to do this for you. If you don't do it for you there will always be a reason to drink.
Also, if you do it for someone else, you give them power over you.

Best wishes

EndGameNYC

Given your other comments, it's difficult for me to make sense of this.

Your SO has drawn a boundary: "You're welcome to be in my life, but your alcoholism is not."

I would be extremely reluctant to build a resentment around her reasonable and natural desire to protect herself, or to use this as an excuse to drink. Not everyone gets a second chance.

zumboat

I truly appreciate the comments and I do mean all of them. Several comments provided points I never considered. I agree the ultimatum is a good thing and yes, I've done some real damage when completely wasted.

At the end of the day she's supportive and that means the world to me especially since I don't really have family to talk to (distance not alcohol related.) I'm going to do my best to be a good sober boyfriend one day at a time.

I will do this and I'll do it for me one day at a time. Thank you to everyone for sharing great comments and keeping it real with me. That's much appreciated.

Anna

Yeah, that's how I see it. She is being reasonable and protecting herself and letting you know her boundary. You can carry on working on your recovery and doing what you need to do for yourself.

sleepie

You're going to do well zumboat, be sure and let us know when you have a week so we can cheer you on!

AnvilheadII

she didn't throw down an ultimatum, she simply stated HER truth and her boundaries. firmly. which she has every right to do. and now you know the lay of the land.

good on her, i say. she is taking care of herself no matter what YOU do. and if you stay sober, who knows what new direction your relationship could take???

and yes, you do need to selfishly protect your sobriety, but you do not need to exclude her thoughts and feelings completely either. it's possible to do both!!!!

here's to endless more sober days for you!

gettingsmarter

Wish my husband would have said that. At least your not having to hear the "Your no fun anymore" line.

uncorked

Zumboat, I totally understand how you feel. It used to **** me off when my husband said/threatened that kind of stuff, too. Yet in my sober moments, I realized he was right. He was very controlling in other ways and I just lumped my drinking into the same "he's trying to control me" justification. Unfortunately, it took divorce papers to get my head out of my a** and do something about it. How I wish I would have gone to rehab sooner. Your girlfriend obviously loves you a lot or she wouldn't stay. You don't have kids or a home together, from what I gather. So she could easily walk. But you have to get sober for you, not her or anyone else. It's not easy but it's worth it.

tomsteve

one thing i was able to do when i got sober was put myself in the shoes of the SO.
and was able to say i dont blame any of them for walking away from me. i caused a LOT of gloom,dispair, and agony for them.

why shouldnt they take care of themselves and put themselves and their well being first and foremost?
welp, when i was drinking because i was a selfish, self centered egomaniac with low self esteem that wanted someone to take care of me so i didnt have to grow up and be an adult- i wanted a hostage, not a relationship.

what woman wouldnt want me for their man??
only ones who werent mentally and emotionally healthy and loved themselves.