amends

Hi this is my quick and brief story.

I'm almost 40. I feel like this is a midlife crisis but I think I'm at the point that I've pinpointed the main issue. Besides my personal issues in the last few years I became a mom to twins had issues with my husband and at the same time started taking antianxieties and drinking wine a lot.

The height of my drinking was over the previous summer when I was drinking 6 days a week and consuming a bottle or more of wine every time. I was also indulging in risky sexual behavior.

I was given an intervention by family and since then have gotten off the meds. Stopped drinking everyday to the point where it's once a week or once every two weeks. That's not the problem the problem is the impulsive reckless risky behavior when I drink.

I've pushed away many friends who don't trust me. I don't work it's difficult finding a job here. We moved when the kids were born and I stayed home leaving a high paying great job.

I thought perhaps I could have less drinks but the issue is who I become when I do drink. I'm not proud of that and I don't feel like it's me anymore. I have made the decision to finally accept that I am an alcoholic and no drink is best for me. I can't stop at one or two or five. I just need to not touch and really heal. Just looking for someone who can understand the pain this stuff can cause. It's unbelievable to me that it's legal. Thanks

zlhzlh

Yep, I can relate! 100% have lost almost everything loving hubby, children due to it. I had to give up drinking totally as my behaviour just magnified on the nights I got drunk. Things are a little better now I am working again and have focus. But you sound like a high achiever who likes taking risks and wants excitement in your life.

SweatyHands

I sure can. When I was just drinking to keep the withdrawal at bay, I was more or less just a zombie with occasional flashes of personality. But when I really cut loose and tied one on... I was the life of the party! Well, in my mind anyway. I was actually a rude, crass, reckless and irresponsible jackass who acted like a 15 year old with a bottle of vodka and no consequences for his actions. But the next morning, I wasn't 15 anymore, and the consequences were there. First the looking around to see if I was in the right room or even the right house. Then checking the cellphone and email to see if there was a permanent record of the stupid things I did the night before. And then he inevitable wave of humiliating memories while I was standing (or more likely sitting) in the shower. Never again. I buried that me in a lead coffin upside down outside of town. But I won't forget him, because if I ever need a reminder of why I Never Drink, that me is one hell of a reminder. When I got sober this last time, I said to my older sister, "It's easy to say that there's nothing sadder than a 40 year old drunk until your 40th birthday is on the horizon."

amends

Yes that is an issue. Hence why I said personal issues. I get bored easily but I don't do anything impulsive when I'm sober. Other than drink and from there I let the alcohol do the thinking for me. I need to stop but I don't want to be afraid that I will miss the feeling of being inebriated and having fun. When laughing with some friends we realized we are functioning alcoholics. I looked back at my 20 years and realized I've never not drank two times a week at least.

SweatyHands

Lucky for me, drinking isn't fun anymore. It is just a very short slide into pain and misery and a minefield of lies that I have to keep straight to postpone the consequences of my actions. It was fun until it wasn't anymore. And no matter what I tried, I could never make it go back to being fun.

amends

Wow sweaty hands I completely know that feeling. It's what I'm gong through right just praying that I don't get caught. Promising myself I won't drink again. And I don't trust myself. But I'm so scared of being that 40 year old. Thank you so much for your story.

Berrybean

I can relate 100%. Alcohol and sexual behaviour are fairly typical instant gratification strategies that many of us come to rely on over the years. The good news is that it is possible to unlearn this and find a way to not be restless, irritable and discontent without these or other instant gratification being involved. For me this meant working a 12-step revovery programme with a sponsor in AA. This might sound a horrendous prospect at the moment, and I certainly didn't relish the idea of going myself at first. But two years down the line I'm happy sober and have made some amazing sober friends.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery.

Soberwolf

Welcome Amends

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Amends!!

least

Welcome to the family. I'm glad you joined us. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.