Soberwolf

Give yourself a chance ZlhZlh & stick with us bud

Bunny211

I lied constantly when I was drinking. About stupid things (you tell me the sky was blue and I would tell you it was purple). But I also made up lies about people I didn't like...horrible stories about people who had "done me wrong." Ugh I was just not a good person when I was drinking!

Ananda

Hello (hug)

I'll try to keep this simple.

1. I have learned that honesty has two sides, is it true and is it helpful. When I was drinking I could not make that distinction. I told my brother he had never loved me. I'm pretty sure it is true but it isn't helpful and it wasn't an ok thing to say to him.

2. If my sobriety is based on pleasing others and meeting "responsibilities" (especially as defined by others) I better make a change or I will crash and burn

3. MOST OF ALL! A drink won't make this better! I am not a monster!

I am struggling big time with some of the things you talked about. I have several therapy sessions a week and a lot of it is about my anger and frustration with sobriety. Right now I believe that if you can stay sober and work through the other issues without hating yourself for having them, you have a chance. (I say that for me as well as you).

Nands

OpenTuning

Hi Zlhzlh

I trust the sober me far more than the drunk version of me. I can truly "own" everything I say or do now. I couldn't say that about me when I was drunk.

But on the bigger question of who we are, my view is we're all in a constant state of growth and movement. That decision to quit 10 months ago means I've become a very different person to who I would have been if I'd kept drinking. And like Dee, I like myself better now. I'm not as cynical as I was. I laugh more. I'm more open to my feelings. I think I'm nicer, and a better friend than I was. I've noticed some real, big, fundamental changes to my personality since I quit.

The fact is, we can make choices about our lives. As Tom Paine wrote "we have it in our power to build the world anew". If you want to be that nasty, hurtful person you say you were when you were drinking, that's a choice you can make. Or you can choose to be the kinder person you say you are now. And you can continue to make choices, and grow as a person, in whatever direction you feel is right for you. It's scary in some ways, all that freedom, but pretty exciting too

zlhzlh

Thanks Guys, today's been a **** day from the minute I woke at 4am! First post this morning, it's got worse, issues from my past have reared there ugly head, but I am trying really hard to deal with them. Everything everybody has said makes a lot of sense. I don't want to be the monster again. I will keep working this through....Thanks again.

Buttonpusher

Exactly!!!

zlhzlh

OpenTuning, I have been trying to go through things which happened when I was younger , trying to sort stuff out in my head. The things I have numbed for a long time with booze, booze which makes me a monster. I am dealing with these things sober, I had boxed it all away. I can't hide from it any more...this is probably the most I've ever spoke about it sober!

FormerWineGirl

A drunk man (or woman) has diarrhea of the mouth, whatever they are thinking just comes pouring out. They tell the truth, unless they lie, and they *love everybody* until they don't.

OpenTuning

Sometimes putting things in boxes is what our minds need to do to cope at the time, but it does sound like you're reaching a point where you feel it's time to face them. Which sounds pretty healthy to me, but imagine it's a bit scary as well. One thought to throw out there is that perhaps you don't need to do that alone? You might find that process more comfortable, less scary, if you were talking about these experiences with a counsellor? Someone to be be there with you as you explore some difficult areas, help you get through them and to help you make sense of it all.

Whatever you choose to do, I remain convinced that you will find the new kinder sober person you and your friends appear to like better is, indeed, the real you. It might take a while before you really begin to feel that way, but it seems clear to me that is the person you want to be. And that's a great first step

zlhzlh

I would be happier keeping things dead and buried, but things are starting to come to the surface, 30 years on...I am trying to deal with issues/emotions that have molded me into who I am today. The person I don't like.
I have been to a councillor a few years ago, it was helpful but physically and emotionally draining. I'm not sure where I go from here....one day at a time. Trying to keep things as simple as possible. But drinking is certainly no longer the answer, I am starting to feel like I can deal with things sober. X

EndGameNYC

All good.

The harder we try to keep things "dead and buried," the more powerful becomes the grip they have on us. I know this to be true as well as anything else I know in life.

You don't have to deal with everything at once. I'm guessing that you were drinking back when you saw your counselor. Even if I'm wrong, you're not drinking now, so it may be a good time to reach out for professional help again.

I was, for the most part, physically and emotionally drained to the max when I was drinking. You don't have to make this walk alone. A good therapist can walk with you and reasonabl ensure that you don't take on more, or at least much more, than you're prepared to handle.

We hold people as long as they need to be held, and then help them to move on when they indicate that they're ready to do so.

Sleep well, z.

zlhzlh

End Game, thanks for your comments. Really appreciate them, as with everyone who has commented on this post. Its my therapy right now, when I am led.awake in the early hours....that and the dawn chorus which has just begun.

SweatyHands

The good thing about working with a therapist is that you have someone to make sure that you aren't pushing too far too fast. The idea isn't to expose all of the old wounds at once, break you, and re-build. It is to see what loose ends you find, and have a guide to help you see how safe it is to try to unravel them. We have identified a huge piece from as far back as I have memories, which has conditioned me to sabotage my life repeatedly. But 39 years of damage and trauma can't be undone in two weeks. So it is a slow process by necessity in order to keep me (or you) safe.

thomas11

Regarding the OP, I am in the school that kind of believes that a drunk person speaks the truth. A very raw, disrespectful and crude truth, but the truth nonetheless. I have said things to people closest to me that while not very nice, I do believe them to be true. But shouldn't have kept them to myself.

zlhzlh

Thomas, I have always been accused of doing this. I have said the most disrespectful things to my hubby, honestly he deserves better that's all I can say. But at the time our relationship was at rock bottom and although I probably should have kept comments to my self , I needed to vent them. Emotions are just magnified when drunk....well mine are, I didn't tell lies, I spoke brutally harsh truth not caring who I hurt just to get a reaction. Since sober, I have no urge to upset anyone! And am happy to go with the flow, I can't believe how non argumentive I am now.....But cry at the silliest thing, like my harshness fading.

Winslow

I was a liar,I felt ten foot tall and bulletproof while drunk,such grandiose ideas I'd speak of but never actually do,no I don't think the truth comes out while drunk,I think b.s.does