Learning to feel
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Irnldy001 
MIR
I feel so deeply for you and with you. I lost my daughter 11 years ago. I did grieve intensely at the time, and then even without alcohol (I hadn't begun yet) I went completely numb for years. I didn't come to for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel, get close to others, created distance from my husband. Sadly, was absentee emotionally from my other daughter. I did get help eventually and went through grief counselling and a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy about 2 years after she passed. It was a long process, but there was still so much I hadn't let go of.
The pain is always there, just a breath from the surface. Life went on, I found a new coping mechanism called alcohol, which worked for a while, until it didn't work anymore. Then I found AA. Now I feel like I've been going through a different type of therapy through my steps. It gets a little better each time. I'm redoing my step 4 right now (resentments, oh my) and each time I feel more relief.
I know the ache you feel. It is so very hard. It is so gut wrenching. It's the kind of pain where if anyone else really knew what you were feeling they would never question you taking a drink or 10 - but we both know we can't. I have given up that rationalization. Be who you need to be, crying and messy, stoic, emotional, introspective - all of it.
Peace to you and much love from another pair of empty arms.
I feel so deeply for you and with you. I lost my daughter 11 years ago. I did grieve intensely at the time, and then even without alcohol (I hadn't begun yet) I went completely numb for years. I didn't come to for a long time. I didn't allow myself to feel, get close to others, created distance from my husband. Sadly, was absentee emotionally from my other daughter. I did get help eventually and went through grief counselling and a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy about 2 years after she passed. It was a long process, but there was still so much I hadn't let go of.
The pain is always there, just a breath from the surface. Life went on, I found a new coping mechanism called alcohol, which worked for a while, until it didn't work anymore. Then I found AA. Now I feel like I've been going through a different type of therapy through my steps. It gets a little better each time. I'm redoing my step 4 right now (resentments, oh my) and each time I feel more relief.
I know the ache you feel. It is so very hard. It is so gut wrenching. It's the kind of pain where if anyone else really knew what you were feeling they would never question you taking a drink or 10 - but we both know we can't. I have given up that rationalization. Be who you need to be, crying and messy, stoic, emotional, introspective - all of it.
Peace to you and much love from another pair of empty arms.
You are right that if others could understand they wouldn't blame us for darn near anything we would do as a coping mechanism.
I think what happened yesterday is some of the numbness faded. If it weren't for the numbness I simply couldn't function.
You have no choice but to put up a wall between you and the grief otherwise you wold go mad.
A Day at a Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
I don't know how you do it. It's unlikely that I ever will.
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