New here, so here goes...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 8
New here, so here goes...
Hey all,
I decided to share today because I know it helps others, and through many hardships in life, including divorce;… hearing and reading the stories of others (on an individual basis) has really helped me put things in perspective throughout my life.
I have to say, I see how groups tend to make a person not feel alone with problems. Reading a bit here sure reminds me of how drinking (and other stuff) is such a problem for so many. But I knew that. However this is the first time I have really read in to a site like this.
I’m not much of a “Group” guy…severely “individual” actually. Something Momma literally beat in to me…in a good way the long run proved.
I stumbled across this site looking for a drink calculator formula beyond what is readily available through easy to find web searches like CDC, NIH and all the various help sites out there. I’ll delve in to that in another thread…possibly, if this post doesn’t send me packing.
I will simply introduce myself here. You folks have heard it all I’m sure. This is really the short story, as long as it is:
I never wanted to be a child. Grownups get to have all the fun. Going to work, making money, having a place of your own, having a woman or significant other, driving a car…and best of all…DRINKING!
I loved drinking before I was old enough to drink, or really old enough to be aware enough I could steal or sneak alcohol. I watched adults seem to have all the fun. The snap and hiss of a beer opening, the celebratory pop of a cork or opening of the wine bottles, all the colors of those beautiful bottles of liquor, the complexity and never ending variety of the concept of “cocktails”. It is so beautiful and so much fun…just look at the crap-eating grins on all those faces…right?
My parents had a rec room starting at somewhere around my age 8, I guess. Pool table, dart board, stereo speakers up the corners, TV on the wall…this was back in the late 70’s. So, bars, while I really don’t like them now because they are a rip-off financially; were very familiar to me the first times I saw them.
I took a liking to the hippies on the evening news. I wanted to be one…and pretty much became one, but in my generation we were called “Freaks”…proudly. Not the geeky types, but the “Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll” types…we were the ones that ruined it for everybody, drawing attention to what WAS more underground. Sorry younger people, we were the last ones to really get away with it all! The 80’s ruined everything! But I did own a “Disco Sucks” button…so…I tried…
At an early age, my parents let me make virgin cocktails, one of my favorites was the bloody Mary (yea, I was not your usual kid). It’s still one of the best cocktails ever and of course became an adult version very early on in my life. Dad would let me crack a beer after a hard day’s work in the yard with him at age 15 (Pray tell! And he was not jailed for it!). He knew forbidding stuff simply made a kid want it, so in moderation, things were portrayed as OK.
I by no means hold my parents responsible for my drinking, except for their genes. It’s in the blood.
All I wanted as a teen was a job, an apartment and a woman. I got all that, not long after graduating high school. I was on my own living as an adult very fast, exactly what I wanted. Life moved quickly. A job early on that traveled the world for a while, doing things it would take a book to describe. Working with people older than me, which was just like me as a kid, I always gravitated to the older kids. I wanted to be one after all…better yet, I wanted no part of “kid”, I wanted to be an “adult”.
I learned from the people who taught you to “work hard and play hard”. Kind of like Chefs are portrayed these days…because they do. The reward is that hard drinking and good times and great camaraderie with your peers…and some good smoke tossed in there too.
Fortunately I was done with most hard drugs by 10th grade. Stopped doing acid, Quaaludes, speed, blah, blah, blah…and had rolled back to just booze and pot and tobacco by my Jr. year of high school. I was lucky to have met my future first wife already and a professional mentor that changed my life…all by age 16. I think I already mentioned I never wanted to be a kid…right?
Fast forward through a very active, hard drinking life. Kids grown, second marriage, life stable again and the body starts to say, “Dude, I’m going to freaking die; you have to stop drinking like this”.
Brain doesn’t listen. Even an attack of potentially fatal Pancreatitis could not…in the end, stop that hand from putting the booze down the gullet. Even with a loving wife trying to help. The good news is my drinking never caused real social problems like domestic abuse, violence of any kind, arrest for anything, DUI…none of that. My alcohol death path was never impeded by such dramatic “wake up calls”. I prided myself, all my life, in being able to hold my liquor and only act a fool when it could be fun and not destructive.
Getting old sucks. Most of us can’t drink like that forever. The party has to end. That REALLY sucks.
I was toxic, bloated, heaviest I had ever been in my life. Way out of shape. I knew it. Needed that wakeup call…again. It came in a blood test. Liver enzymes through the roof. I took heed and thanked the doc for the recommendation to abstain for three months and re-check.
I’m doing it. I would have put an exclamation point on that, but I’m only doing what a responsible person with half a brain cell should do. You know…”the right thing”.
At 62 days sober now. I quit the day I got the email from my doctor. Had a glass of wine though on my anniversary, but guess what? That was it. No relapse, no more to drink, not a drop, no lie…and I still have all my booze everywhere it was 62 days ago…well stocked.
Now I’m counting down…not up. I am 28 days away from that blood test with hopes that I have not done permanent damage (I know, funny right? NOT! But hey, I’ll laugh and joke all the way to the end) and “maybe” I’ll have one more chance to drink like a normal person. If I can’t, due to health issues or if I fail at this last attempt, I will have to quit drinking completely for the rest of my life.
A depressing thought for me. I know many here will share that “the rest of your life alcohol free is freedom itself and a wonderful joy”, and I don’t challenge that. To each their own and everyone is somewhat different even though alcoholism seems to run in parallel lines.
For me, as that “individual” who demands a lot of himself. Having to never enjoy something I love so much again in my life is a personal failure. I hold myself responsible for that. It’s my fault for failing myself and thus not being able to do what I want…like the adults when I was a kid…right?
In advance of the suggestions that may come…that I don’t discount, and very much understand and appreciate; I have sought and participated in counseling. I have even been part of a controlled alcohol study where you actually never know if you had the placebo or the real drug…and I hope it helps/helped others, because it didn’t solve my issues, not by a long shot. It came with the full litany of various support and treatment mechanisms, not just the “pill”. None of it stuck. I really didn’t want to quit, my body and my loved ones wanted me to just “back off some”.
Because of the kind of person (individual) I am; groups, psychologists, meetings…all that is like running underwater for me. It’s all way too corny and pathetic for me, and I am just being honest about myself here, not slamming or criticizing what works for others. I talk with everyone I can on an individual basis about their struggles, and share mine readily, as easily as I am right now in this post. I have little to hide and I am doing my best to live in the truth every single day, about everything.
I know and have known people who have had success through groups and also only succeeded once they set their minds to it, far from the shoulders of others, but with a focus on their own personal responsibility to themselves and their loved ones.
So there it is. I am working on a path to real, strictly controlled moderation. It might work because I am very hard on myself and obsessive about control, especially over my own life. It’s succeed, or forever fail for me and never drink again. Most here would see never drinking again as success…while I see it as failure.
I have a real plan. I will share that and even record the progress if I stay here. The reason I came here was to research something that would help define, specify and dictate that plan. If it works, it may help others because the plan will go beyond the obvious, readily already available, and the “easy”. It will be very hard. Harder than quitting I believe. The hardest things are always the best in the end…right? We’ll see…
Oh, as with a lot of people quitting drinking; I am also trying to improve my overall health. I am exorcising, slowly and carefully, lost at least 10lbs in that 62 days and improving my diet which is…as you all know, very hard when trying to not drink. I’m looking at it all realistically and patiently the best I can. I have a goal to lose another 20 lbs over the next two years and be the physically fit man I used to be, or at least “close”. Too much alcohol is bad for weight loss, that’s another angle I hope to use.
What are the tools I’m using to not drink?
1-Primarily…self-loathing. I am very, very mad at myself for risking my ability to drink possibly for the rest of my life. I will not forgive myself for that, ever, but I can move on. I am obsessively goal oriented…so that helps; don’t tell me I can’t do something…and I have failed before…so it’s “on” this time. (I know, you all have heard that one before…right?)
-I love to cook. I stay on my feet in the kitchen in the evening or at task in my office later than I used to because THAT (early evening) is when “Drink-o-Clock” starts. I have a Soda-Stream Carbonator. Lots of lime or lemon wedges in the same old fashioned glasses I always used, some ice and sparkling water keeps my hands and face busy till dinner.
-After dinner its back to water, trying not to drink too much of it because with no alcohol there is no dehydration, so too much liquid makes for a lot of bathroom trips at night! Of course, snacks…but I pretty much stick to dried fruits and dark chocolate. Both have calories but at least they are good for you. Then…as depressing and like the old man I never wanted to become…I freaking go to bed early. I wanted to be an adult as a child not an old man! I always liked old people and still do…just not ME being that old man! This of everything, is the most depressing part of it all. Mentally, I am not happy about not drinking at all. Sure I’m happy at my self-control, but ticked off that I put myself in this situation.
*My normal (old) routine would be double vodka martinis…at least two before dinner if not more, or margaritas (the real deal, not “girly margaritas”), maybe some beer or rum and coke or any number of choices before that on the weekends, and then even maybe wine with dinner. After dinner, straight to straight bourbon on the rocks until gone for the night. Sometimes that could take till the wee hours well after the wife is in bed with the tunes going and that crap-eating grin on my face.
THAT…I can never do again.
I am still very high functioning and haven’t given up on life at all. It’s all just terribly boring with no drinks. Like that proverbial best friend lost, leaving a huge hole in your life. You all know exactly what I mean.
If this is the kind of forum with zero tolerance for drinking and working to moderate and still drink, I need to know. I will not continue to post here in respect of all the others who may not appreciate, or even read my words and somehow, “that” causes them to fail in their goals. I can’t own that. Not my circus, not my monkeys, and not what I want to do.
I would like to, among discussions and support of those trying to abstain completely; discuss strict methods of control and moderation. Of course, if I find I will never again be able to do that, I will be among those in the “never again” category and hopefully not in the “oh man, if fell off the wagon again” category and can share strength among all our weaknesses. Or, of course, be all of the above and share my personal failures and successes along with others.
Hard to tell here, now, in one really long post that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But what the heck; you never know till you try.
If you read all this…wow, but thanks!
I decided to share today because I know it helps others, and through many hardships in life, including divorce;… hearing and reading the stories of others (on an individual basis) has really helped me put things in perspective throughout my life.
I have to say, I see how groups tend to make a person not feel alone with problems. Reading a bit here sure reminds me of how drinking (and other stuff) is such a problem for so many. But I knew that. However this is the first time I have really read in to a site like this.
I’m not much of a “Group” guy…severely “individual” actually. Something Momma literally beat in to me…in a good way the long run proved.
I stumbled across this site looking for a drink calculator formula beyond what is readily available through easy to find web searches like CDC, NIH and all the various help sites out there. I’ll delve in to that in another thread…possibly, if this post doesn’t send me packing.
I will simply introduce myself here. You folks have heard it all I’m sure. This is really the short story, as long as it is:
I never wanted to be a child. Grownups get to have all the fun. Going to work, making money, having a place of your own, having a woman or significant other, driving a car…and best of all…DRINKING!
I loved drinking before I was old enough to drink, or really old enough to be aware enough I could steal or sneak alcohol. I watched adults seem to have all the fun. The snap and hiss of a beer opening, the celebratory pop of a cork or opening of the wine bottles, all the colors of those beautiful bottles of liquor, the complexity and never ending variety of the concept of “cocktails”. It is so beautiful and so much fun…just look at the crap-eating grins on all those faces…right?
My parents had a rec room starting at somewhere around my age 8, I guess. Pool table, dart board, stereo speakers up the corners, TV on the wall…this was back in the late 70’s. So, bars, while I really don’t like them now because they are a rip-off financially; were very familiar to me the first times I saw them.
I took a liking to the hippies on the evening news. I wanted to be one…and pretty much became one, but in my generation we were called “Freaks”…proudly. Not the geeky types, but the “Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll” types…we were the ones that ruined it for everybody, drawing attention to what WAS more underground. Sorry younger people, we were the last ones to really get away with it all! The 80’s ruined everything! But I did own a “Disco Sucks” button…so…I tried…
At an early age, my parents let me make virgin cocktails, one of my favorites was the bloody Mary (yea, I was not your usual kid). It’s still one of the best cocktails ever and of course became an adult version very early on in my life. Dad would let me crack a beer after a hard day’s work in the yard with him at age 15 (Pray tell! And he was not jailed for it!). He knew forbidding stuff simply made a kid want it, so in moderation, things were portrayed as OK.
I by no means hold my parents responsible for my drinking, except for their genes. It’s in the blood.
All I wanted as a teen was a job, an apartment and a woman. I got all that, not long after graduating high school. I was on my own living as an adult very fast, exactly what I wanted. Life moved quickly. A job early on that traveled the world for a while, doing things it would take a book to describe. Working with people older than me, which was just like me as a kid, I always gravitated to the older kids. I wanted to be one after all…better yet, I wanted no part of “kid”, I wanted to be an “adult”.
I learned from the people who taught you to “work hard and play hard”. Kind of like Chefs are portrayed these days…because they do. The reward is that hard drinking and good times and great camaraderie with your peers…and some good smoke tossed in there too.
Fortunately I was done with most hard drugs by 10th grade. Stopped doing acid, Quaaludes, speed, blah, blah, blah…and had rolled back to just booze and pot and tobacco by my Jr. year of high school. I was lucky to have met my future first wife already and a professional mentor that changed my life…all by age 16. I think I already mentioned I never wanted to be a kid…right?
Fast forward through a very active, hard drinking life. Kids grown, second marriage, life stable again and the body starts to say, “Dude, I’m going to freaking die; you have to stop drinking like this”.
Brain doesn’t listen. Even an attack of potentially fatal Pancreatitis could not…in the end, stop that hand from putting the booze down the gullet. Even with a loving wife trying to help. The good news is my drinking never caused real social problems like domestic abuse, violence of any kind, arrest for anything, DUI…none of that. My alcohol death path was never impeded by such dramatic “wake up calls”. I prided myself, all my life, in being able to hold my liquor and only act a fool when it could be fun and not destructive.
Getting old sucks. Most of us can’t drink like that forever. The party has to end. That REALLY sucks.
I was toxic, bloated, heaviest I had ever been in my life. Way out of shape. I knew it. Needed that wakeup call…again. It came in a blood test. Liver enzymes through the roof. I took heed and thanked the doc for the recommendation to abstain for three months and re-check.
I’m doing it. I would have put an exclamation point on that, but I’m only doing what a responsible person with half a brain cell should do. You know…”the right thing”.
At 62 days sober now. I quit the day I got the email from my doctor. Had a glass of wine though on my anniversary, but guess what? That was it. No relapse, no more to drink, not a drop, no lie…and I still have all my booze everywhere it was 62 days ago…well stocked.
Now I’m counting down…not up. I am 28 days away from that blood test with hopes that I have not done permanent damage (I know, funny right? NOT! But hey, I’ll laugh and joke all the way to the end) and “maybe” I’ll have one more chance to drink like a normal person. If I can’t, due to health issues or if I fail at this last attempt, I will have to quit drinking completely for the rest of my life.
A depressing thought for me. I know many here will share that “the rest of your life alcohol free is freedom itself and a wonderful joy”, and I don’t challenge that. To each their own and everyone is somewhat different even though alcoholism seems to run in parallel lines.
For me, as that “individual” who demands a lot of himself. Having to never enjoy something I love so much again in my life is a personal failure. I hold myself responsible for that. It’s my fault for failing myself and thus not being able to do what I want…like the adults when I was a kid…right?
In advance of the suggestions that may come…that I don’t discount, and very much understand and appreciate; I have sought and participated in counseling. I have even been part of a controlled alcohol study where you actually never know if you had the placebo or the real drug…and I hope it helps/helped others, because it didn’t solve my issues, not by a long shot. It came with the full litany of various support and treatment mechanisms, not just the “pill”. None of it stuck. I really didn’t want to quit, my body and my loved ones wanted me to just “back off some”.
Because of the kind of person (individual) I am; groups, psychologists, meetings…all that is like running underwater for me. It’s all way too corny and pathetic for me, and I am just being honest about myself here, not slamming or criticizing what works for others. I talk with everyone I can on an individual basis about their struggles, and share mine readily, as easily as I am right now in this post. I have little to hide and I am doing my best to live in the truth every single day, about everything.
I know and have known people who have had success through groups and also only succeeded once they set their minds to it, far from the shoulders of others, but with a focus on their own personal responsibility to themselves and their loved ones.
So there it is. I am working on a path to real, strictly controlled moderation. It might work because I am very hard on myself and obsessive about control, especially over my own life. It’s succeed, or forever fail for me and never drink again. Most here would see never drinking again as success…while I see it as failure.
I have a real plan. I will share that and even record the progress if I stay here. The reason I came here was to research something that would help define, specify and dictate that plan. If it works, it may help others because the plan will go beyond the obvious, readily already available, and the “easy”. It will be very hard. Harder than quitting I believe. The hardest things are always the best in the end…right? We’ll see…
Oh, as with a lot of people quitting drinking; I am also trying to improve my overall health. I am exorcising, slowly and carefully, lost at least 10lbs in that 62 days and improving my diet which is…as you all know, very hard when trying to not drink. I’m looking at it all realistically and patiently the best I can. I have a goal to lose another 20 lbs over the next two years and be the physically fit man I used to be, or at least “close”. Too much alcohol is bad for weight loss, that’s another angle I hope to use.
What are the tools I’m using to not drink?
1-Primarily…self-loathing. I am very, very mad at myself for risking my ability to drink possibly for the rest of my life. I will not forgive myself for that, ever, but I can move on. I am obsessively goal oriented…so that helps; don’t tell me I can’t do something…and I have failed before…so it’s “on” this time. (I know, you all have heard that one before…right?)
-I love to cook. I stay on my feet in the kitchen in the evening or at task in my office later than I used to because THAT (early evening) is when “Drink-o-Clock” starts. I have a Soda-Stream Carbonator. Lots of lime or lemon wedges in the same old fashioned glasses I always used, some ice and sparkling water keeps my hands and face busy till dinner.
-After dinner its back to water, trying not to drink too much of it because with no alcohol there is no dehydration, so too much liquid makes for a lot of bathroom trips at night! Of course, snacks…but I pretty much stick to dried fruits and dark chocolate. Both have calories but at least they are good for you. Then…as depressing and like the old man I never wanted to become…I freaking go to bed early. I wanted to be an adult as a child not an old man! I always liked old people and still do…just not ME being that old man! This of everything, is the most depressing part of it all. Mentally, I am not happy about not drinking at all. Sure I’m happy at my self-control, but ticked off that I put myself in this situation.
*My normal (old) routine would be double vodka martinis…at least two before dinner if not more, or margaritas (the real deal, not “girly margaritas”), maybe some beer or rum and coke or any number of choices before that on the weekends, and then even maybe wine with dinner. After dinner, straight to straight bourbon on the rocks until gone for the night. Sometimes that could take till the wee hours well after the wife is in bed with the tunes going and that crap-eating grin on my face.
THAT…I can never do again.
I am still very high functioning and haven’t given up on life at all. It’s all just terribly boring with no drinks. Like that proverbial best friend lost, leaving a huge hole in your life. You all know exactly what I mean.
If this is the kind of forum with zero tolerance for drinking and working to moderate and still drink, I need to know. I will not continue to post here in respect of all the others who may not appreciate, or even read my words and somehow, “that” causes them to fail in their goals. I can’t own that. Not my circus, not my monkeys, and not what I want to do.
I would like to, among discussions and support of those trying to abstain completely; discuss strict methods of control and moderation. Of course, if I find I will never again be able to do that, I will be among those in the “never again” category and hopefully not in the “oh man, if fell off the wagon again” category and can share strength among all our weaknesses. Or, of course, be all of the above and share my personal failures and successes along with others.
Hard to tell here, now, in one really long post that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But what the heck; you never know till you try.
If you read all this…wow, but thanks!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
I think you'll find that SR is not a site that promotes moderation. Most of our sober members have tried that over and over and always failed.
If it works for you, that's great, but it doesn't work for me.
I wish you success. And if your tests come back better, why would you want to start drinking again and risk your health?
I really like your name.
I think you'll find that SR is not a site that promotes moderation. Most of our sober members have tried that over and over and always failed. If it works for you, that's great, but it doesn't work for me.
I wish you success. And if your tests come back better, why would you want to start drinking again and risk your health?
I really like your name.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Dichotome I did read all of that and for me it's way easier staying sober than it was to try & moderate I really hope in time you might see why
I spotted something that was throughout your post and it is how much alcohol is important to you
Can I ask & I really do mean this as a friend why do you think alcohol is so important to you
Congratulations on day 62 that's seriously good il include some great links for you to look over il finish saying this .. trying to moderate or experiments as I called them always failed really hope you decide to stay
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I spotted something that was throughout your post and it is how much alcohol is important to you
Can I ask & I really do mean this as a friend why do you think alcohol is so important to you
Congratulations on day 62 that's seriously good il include some great links for you to look over il finish saying this .. trying to moderate or experiments as I called them always failed really hope you decide to stay
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
Last edited by Soberwolf; 03-20-2016 at 01:13 PM. Reason: Grammar & Spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: England
Posts: 2,675
Personally, drinking in moderation doesn't work for me. I couldn't stick with it and just ended up making myself even more ill than I already was! Abstinence is the only thing that works for me.
If you find you can continue drinking and decide to drink in moderation then try to stay honest with yourself about whether or not it's working. I was given a drinking diary during my first attempt. I don't like suggesting it because it didn't work for me - but we're all different.
If you find you can continue drinking and decide to drink in moderation then try to stay honest with yourself about whether or not it's working. I was given a drinking diary during my first attempt. I don't like suggesting it because it didn't work for me - but we're all different.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi DichotoMe. It's a site dedicated to recovery from addictions, so discussions on moderation don't really happen here.
I'm seeing red flags here. I know your mind is made up on being able to drink forever so I may be wasting my time here. But, a bout of pancreatitis, being upset that you may have jeopardized your chance to drink through out your life and talk of moderation- this all sounds like alcoholic thinking to me.
Read through some of the site. If you get good results on your blood work I'd take it as a cue to continue healthier habits. There are people here who had the physical warnings, maybe figured their test results meant they "re-set" their bodies and could continue drinking- only to progress in alcoholism and to the detriment of their health.
DichotoMe I hope you will stay and maybe be inspired to change your habits for good. It sounds like you've had plenty of altered states- been there done that- why not try something new?
Ok, have a great day and best of luck with everything
I'm seeing red flags here. I know your mind is made up on being able to drink forever so I may be wasting my time here. But, a bout of pancreatitis, being upset that you may have jeopardized your chance to drink through out your life and talk of moderation- this all sounds like alcoholic thinking to me.
Read through some of the site. If you get good results on your blood work I'd take it as a cue to continue healthier habits. There are people here who had the physical warnings, maybe figured their test results meant they "re-set" their bodies and could continue drinking- only to progress in alcoholism and to the detriment of their health.
DichotoMe I hope you will stay and maybe be inspired to change your habits for good. It sounds like you've had plenty of altered states- been there done that- why not try something new?
Ok, have a great day and best of luck with everything
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Do you really want to drink like a normal person? For me that would suck. I like the buzz. A normal person drinks one at most two at a sitting. No way I'd want to do that. Think about it. From your description and history it doesn't sound like you'd be happy with that.either.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by DichotoMe 
I have little to hide and I am doing my best to live in the truth every single day, about everything.
Sure, you haven't had a rough time of it in terms of consequences, according to your biased assessment of things, but you'll never know the person you might have been had you not drunk yourself to liver damage.
The truth is that being able to control your drinking will not be a success. None of us gives up easily that which we profess to love. It will only be a marginally lesser failure than drinking to the point of damaging your liver. And so, and according to you, you will celebrate an incompletely destroyed liver by attempting to control your drinking. You're connecting a lot of dots that do not (and in some cases, cannot) exist. You've devised a demonstrably and historically bad plan to continue drinking in the event that your liver and other internal organs can withstand the damage done by alcohol, and then concocted an obtuse, though alarmingly thorough, philosophy to support it.
You write in a very controlled and controlling style, commenting on what others are likely to comment in reply to your comments, and how you've got these anticipated comments covered, despite their absence. Life doesn't work that way. It's not a clearly defined crossword puzzle that only requires filling in spaces with the correct symbols within a limited and controlled system, usually defined by a particular theme. If nothing else, you've given over a great deal of time and effort to how and under which circumstances -- and how much -- you will continue to drink. Do you even appreciate the fact that, despite your love of drinking, you continue to allow it to control you, even when your drinking has begun to destroy your health? I imagine it makes you feel crazy to not be in control.
I'm afraid that your dubious experiment will end in more suffering -- no matter how much laughter you claim you're willing to carry to the bitter, possibly tragic, end. Control, and the drive for control, is an an extremely overrated delusion that ultimately comes back to devour itself, and usually not in a pretty way. It's become politically correct to comment that "maybe it will be different for you." But this phrase, for me, is nothing but the pronouncement of a sad irony that never seems to change. The desire to control your drinking is yet further evidence that you can't. We all know this.
You're not yet at a crossroads with you're drinking. You're still devising battle plans to continue and, like most generals, you're making up excuses to continue fighting as you go. Yet you also have an opportunity here to let your love for drinking be your last mistake.
There are times in life when we need to protect ourselves from ourselves. When that fails, we need to try something different.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 8
Thanks for the welcome everyone!
I know…Right? Been there myself. Like I wrote, I’m possibly giving myself one last time IF my labs moderate again. If they don’t, it will be on to further tests to see if I am in bigger trouble.
I realize I may be in the exact position most of you are. Total abstinence or death.
If that’s the answer in the end, I’ll have to deal with it.
That was my concern. A middle ground is hard to find with this stuff. My biggest concern is if I set on a path of moderation and chronicle that here, it may cause others to fail again. I don’t want to be that cause or reasoning and I know full well how we all can “justify” a lot….”hey, that other guy is doing it”…right?
On the other hand if I fail…again, it’s another solid story for total abstinence.
I am working on a very specific plan though. I want to challenge myself with it if I am fortunate enough to have that opportunity with better labs.
Life is a risk. Pretty boring without them. If we avoided all well-known “common sense” type risks we would never drive an automobile on the nation’s roads and highways. We would curl up and pad ourselves with bubble wrap afraid of all injury, both physical and metal. But we even keep falling in love even though losing it makes us want to die…don’t we?
I have always lived by the motto: “Eat well, stay fit and get hit by a bus tomorrow”. Or not!
What has made me want to change is how I feel, not what has happened or what I’m supposed to do as defined by others, including doctors. The labs were just confirmation of the sickness I was in. I simply want to feel better. If I can do that and drink…awesome, if not, I will have to stop…again…
It’s all about being able to function and do what I want and need to do in my life, especially physically. All the drugs and booze I could consume hasn’t killed my mind so that’s not going anywhere!
If I can’t hold myself to 14 clinically measured drinks a week, that’s it this time. I’ll be riding the wagon with you. It becomes a choice. I used to/could always drink like I wanted and still produce and function. But at this age, I realize now that has changed, and so must I.
Thanks on the name or “handle” compliment. It’s so fitting for me. I am a Dichotomy…a walking contradiction in some respects!
That is the 64K question Soberwolf. That’s why I gave the synopsis of my life from childhood. I ALWAYS wanted to alter my normal state. I know I was depressed as a child, including minor self-mutilation…some say that plays a role. It just seemed like life to me. Everybody’s life sucks at some point at least in their mind.
For me, I suppose it’s a way of life, a fifth limb, a second “Me” or as the Rastafarians say ,“I &I”.
All I know is going without is like a steak lover forced in to veganism, a sweets addict giving up that baked good they always had to have…an adventure seeker never to jump from a plane or repel down a mountainside again.
See what I’m sayin’? Life is “relative” like that.
Thanks again!
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I tried to moderate a zillion times. I can't.
I realize I may be in the exact position most of you are. Total abstinence or death.
If that’s the answer in the end, I’ll have to deal with it.
Originally Posted by least
Welcome to the family. I think you'll find that SR is not a site that promotes moderation.
I think you'll find that SR is not a site that promotes moderation.On the other hand if I fail…again, it’s another solid story for total abstinence.
I am working on a very specific plan though. I want to challenge myself with it if I am fortunate enough to have that opportunity with better labs.
Originally Posted by least
I wish you success. And if your tests come back better, why would you want to start drinking again and risk your health?
I really like your name.
I really like your name.
I have always lived by the motto: “Eat well, stay fit and get hit by a bus tomorrow”. Or not!
What has made me want to change is how I feel, not what has happened or what I’m supposed to do as defined by others, including doctors. The labs were just confirmation of the sickness I was in. I simply want to feel better. If I can do that and drink…awesome, if not, I will have to stop…again…
It’s all about being able to function and do what I want and need to do in my life, especially physically. All the drugs and booze I could consume hasn’t killed my mind so that’s not going anywhere!
If I can’t hold myself to 14 clinically measured drinks a week, that’s it this time. I’ll be riding the wagon with you. It becomes a choice. I used to/could always drink like I wanted and still produce and function. But at this age, I realize now that has changed, and so must I.
Thanks on the name or “handle” compliment. It’s so fitting for me. I am a Dichotomy…a walking contradiction in some respects!
Originally Posted by soberwolf
I spotted something that was throughout your post and it is how much alcohol is important to you
Can I ask & I really do mean this as a friend why do you think alcohol is so important to you
Can I ask & I really do mean this as a friend why do you think alcohol is so important to you
For me, I suppose it’s a way of life, a fifth limb, a second “Me” or as the Rastafarians say ,“I &I”.
All I know is going without is like a steak lover forced in to veganism, a sweets addict giving up that baked good they always had to have…an adventure seeker never to jump from a plane or repel down a mountainside again.
See what I’m sayin’? Life is “relative” like that.
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Alcoholism is an unnecessary risk. There are other risks one can take that are far more honorable.
All it boils down to is, if you want sobriety, you want it. If you don't, you don't.
Anyway, life is plenty exciting and risky without alcohol but it's ultimately up to you to decide if you want that or not. Again, huge red flag with the pancreatitis not scaring you into action here- that is absolutely alcoholic thinking. That this potentially life endangering, alcohol induced illness is just a bump in the road at your party. And waiting for liver enzymes to improve so that you may resume "better" drinking.
I don't think that alcohol is such a big part of someone's identity if they are really embracing life.
You're buying the lie. You appear to think that as a drinker, alcohol is a tool for a full life somehow, that you have total control or can have control over it and that it will embellish things. That it's just part of your carefree, laugh til the end, risk taking lifestyle with no regrets.
I hope you're right, I do. But I don't think it's wise and I don't think its respectful of life or the good health you seem to have a chance at. I also don't think it's possible.
An ounce of prevention worth a pound of cure here... You have a chance to get it right before it goes irreversibly wrong. It can happen in a second or it can happen a little more each day, but it does happen. I hope you will take it.
Careening through life, intoxicated is not a life- it isn't living, it's not a worthy risk.
I think you will do well if you get sober for good.
All it boils down to is, if you want sobriety, you want it. If you don't, you don't.
Anyway, life is plenty exciting and risky without alcohol but it's ultimately up to you to decide if you want that or not. Again, huge red flag with the pancreatitis not scaring you into action here- that is absolutely alcoholic thinking. That this potentially life endangering, alcohol induced illness is just a bump in the road at your party. And waiting for liver enzymes to improve so that you may resume "better" drinking.
I don't think that alcohol is such a big part of someone's identity if they are really embracing life.
You're buying the lie. You appear to think that as a drinker, alcohol is a tool for a full life somehow, that you have total control or can have control over it and that it will embellish things. That it's just part of your carefree, laugh til the end, risk taking lifestyle with no regrets.
I hope you're right, I do. But I don't think it's wise and I don't think its respectful of life or the good health you seem to have a chance at. I also don't think it's possible.
An ounce of prevention worth a pound of cure here... You have a chance to get it right before it goes irreversibly wrong. It can happen in a second or it can happen a little more each day, but it does happen. I hope you will take it.
Careening through life, intoxicated is not a life- it isn't living, it's not a worthy risk.
I think you will do well if you get sober for good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
DichotoMe, thanks for the interesting introductory post. Personally, I like seeing folks post here who are not convinced that abstinence is the only path. Unlike like some of the posters here I am not going to predict that you will fail to control your drinking as in my view this is narrow minded thinking. On the other hand I'm not going to roll over and suggest that you will be successful either. In my view (and I'm simply being honest here) you have a real risk of failing because of your drinking history but you also have some possibility for success. Time will tell.
One last point regarding: "My biggest concern is if I set on a path of moderation and chronicle that here, it may cause others to fail again. "
If you are successful at moderating your drinking over the long term don't worry about telling us of your success. At least for me it's not going to cause me to "fail" and drink again. I might drink again but it won't be because of you. You are not that important. Nothing personal, I don't think anyone on this board is that important.
One last point regarding: "My biggest concern is if I set on a path of moderation and chronicle that here, it may cause others to fail again. "
If you are successful at moderating your drinking over the long term don't worry about telling us of your success. At least for me it's not going to cause me to "fail" and drink again. I might drink again but it won't be because of you. You are not that important. Nothing personal, I don't think anyone on this board is that important.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 8
Well As promised. I’m back!
I have A LOT to do in life so message threads are a pleasure I can’t enjoy as much as I would like.
I really do appreciate all the feedback.
79th day today! Blood test week after next and Doctors appointment shortly after. Waiting with baited breath…what will it be? He, he…
I know, I know; seems like joking in here doesn’t go over well. We alcoholics need to lighten up! That’s my biggest problem though. So many people can tell I’m not drinking…my fuse is Waaayyy shorter…
You nailed it OT! Personal honesty. That’s is what I’m focusing on. I have traveled and stayed in a hotel by myself since abstinence and right now my wife is out of town for a week…both are situations where drinking would normally be “ON” and heavy for sure. And guess what? Not a drop! All my booze is still in the same locations, right where it was the day I stopped. Whiskey right there, cold beer in the fridge and wine chiller packed with 16 bottles because my wife is not drinking in support of me…even though I tell her not to do that and that if I’m going to control this I need to be around other people who are drinking.
I could drink at any time. My wife is not going to leave me if I drink again, there were never any domestic issues with it with us…we’ve talked about it. She does want me to live though!
Just like that one glass of wine on our anniversary, I had one glass of wine with her and her adult daughter and son in law the Saturday before Easter. I practiced measuring out exactly 5oz of wine to see what that looks and drinks like (CDC defined “drink”). And stunningly…that was it! No more and not a drop of anything else since…and I’m home alone now! Nobody would know!
But you know who would? Me. I’m trying to live in the truth, as ugly as it may be sometimes.
Also, what good am I going to do for that blood test if I cheat? If I don’t stay sober, I’m only fooling myself and potentially ruining my whole goal of a better blood test to show there is no permanent damage.
Like your diary, I have been pondering a strict control mechanism. Once I settle on it…IF I can ever go back to enjoying SOME alcohol, I will share it in the hopes that it helps others enjoy “control”.
That will only work for the strongest people though. If anything will give me the strength to succeed, it’s reading the alcoholics in here. I am a very headstrong and driven person and I don’t like being told what I can and cannot do and I don’t care to be psycho-analyzed by people, even professionals, because let’s face it, the pro’s haven’t solved this problem have they?…and they have been working on it for how long? The thing is, they are not any smarter than me…and they know it when they meet me. Been there…done that…
NOT an impressive record.
Score:
Alcohol= a gazillion
Therapists= seldom
*but they stay busy and employed because alcohol wins in the end and humans are weak.
So like others have correctly said, this is on ME.
I have A LOT to do in life so message threads are a pleasure I can’t enjoy as much as I would like.
I really do appreciate all the feedback.
79th day today! Blood test week after next and Doctors appointment shortly after. Waiting with baited breath…what will it be? He, he…
I know, I know; seems like joking in here doesn’t go over well. We alcoholics need to lighten up! That’s my biggest problem though. So many people can tell I’m not drinking…my fuse is Waaayyy shorter…
Originally Posted by OldTomato
If you find you can continue drinking and decide to drink in moderation then try to stay honest with yourself about whether or not it's working. I was given a drinking diary during my first attempt. I don't like suggesting it because it didn't work for me - but we're all different.
I could drink at any time. My wife is not going to leave me if I drink again, there were never any domestic issues with it with us…we’ve talked about it. She does want me to live though!
Just like that one glass of wine on our anniversary, I had one glass of wine with her and her adult daughter and son in law the Saturday before Easter. I practiced measuring out exactly 5oz of wine to see what that looks and drinks like (CDC defined “drink”). And stunningly…that was it! No more and not a drop of anything else since…and I’m home alone now! Nobody would know!
But you know who would? Me. I’m trying to live in the truth, as ugly as it may be sometimes.
Also, what good am I going to do for that blood test if I cheat? If I don’t stay sober, I’m only fooling myself and potentially ruining my whole goal of a better blood test to show there is no permanent damage.
Like your diary, I have been pondering a strict control mechanism. Once I settle on it…IF I can ever go back to enjoying SOME alcohol, I will share it in the hopes that it helps others enjoy “control”.
That will only work for the strongest people though. If anything will give me the strength to succeed, it’s reading the alcoholics in here. I am a very headstrong and driven person and I don’t like being told what I can and cannot do and I don’t care to be psycho-analyzed by people, even professionals, because let’s face it, the pro’s haven’t solved this problem have they?…and they have been working on it for how long? The thing is, they are not any smarter than me…and they know it when they meet me. Been there…done that…
NOT an impressive record.
Score:
Alcohol= a gazillion
Therapists= seldom
*but they stay busy and employed because alcohol wins in the end and humans are weak.
So like others have correctly said, this is on ME.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Please know that this website does not promote moderation or controlling alcohol intake. The goal for people here is abstinence. I believe there may be websites that deal with moderation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Boy, this thread reminds me of me--
Easy quit the first year, thought moderation would work
and it did, for awhile.
Eventually the amounts and frequency creep up.
You may be the exception--I thought I was too.
Nearly three months sober is a great start, but really the very beginning of the journey. . .
Wishing you every success
Easy quit the first year, thought moderation would work
and it did, for awhile.
Eventually the amounts and frequency creep up.
You may be the exception--I thought I was too.
Nearly three months sober is a great start, but really the very beginning of the journey. . .
Wishing you every success
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
I wish you well in your goals. I'm probably about your age and their are several similarities in our stories and many differences. I tried, after several months of abstinence to drink in moderation and believe that some do. The problem is, when I drink, I don't want to moderate, I drank to chase that relief which ultimately meant passing out. Once I caught that mild buzz, my judgment and will power wore down and I just kept going to the bloody end. Could I fight through it and control myself? Sure. Did I want to? Hell no!
I considered myself a connoisseur of fine spirits and craft beers. Drinking was a huge part of my culture. Realizing that it was going to ruin me and sooner or later kill me was a very difficult thing but it had to be done. Supplementing my drinking hobby with hidden handles of cheap vodka should have clued me in much sooner.
Just realize that if your goal of moderation doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. After some time you'd be amazed how much more you can accomplish in life with out constant intoxication running you down. After a while drinking is no longer important and the thought of it all seems silly.
Good luck with your life and stay well!
I considered myself a connoisseur of fine spirits and craft beers. Drinking was a huge part of my culture. Realizing that it was going to ruin me and sooner or later kill me was a very difficult thing but it had to be done. Supplementing my drinking hobby with hidden handles of cheap vodka should have clued me in much sooner.
Just realize that if your goal of moderation doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. After some time you'd be amazed how much more you can accomplish in life with out constant intoxication running you down. After a while drinking is no longer important and the thought of it all seems silly.
Good luck with your life and stay well!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Anna
Please know that this website does not promote moderation or controlling alcohol intake. The goal for people here is abstinence. I believe there may be websites that deal with moderation.
How “clinical” of you Anna. And very succinct.
I never suggested this site “promoted moderation or controlling alcohol intake”. I was hoping this would be an opportunity to discuss it all and find support if I fail once again.
Thanks to your attitude as an Administrator, I will “abstain” from participation in this site even if I do fail at abstinence and need to pursue a path of lifelong sobriety.
This is indicative of the majority of especially ALANON people. There is zero tolerance with folks like that. Cut it out of your life and anyone that has it in their life, at all costs…ALL costs, because zero alcohol is all that matters.
Thank you for making that clear to me Anna.
You and the site are welcome to delete my account.
Goodbye
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