Fabela

Time for bed. There will be no hangover tomorrow, no regrets, no angry husband, no worried kids. I like this life. Sober is good.

Ariesagain

Oh, I am just so happy for you...seriously, big lump in my throat.

Please recognize how impressive this was, look yourself in the mirror, and congratulate yourself!

Sweet dreams. You're on your way to the happier life that you deserve.

CaseyW

You did all the right things today, Fabela. Sweet dreams!

Hawkeye13

Great job on your sober day!
Sleep well Fabela

Fabela

Thanks, guys.

Day 9, and two days until hubby leaves. Saturday is going to be a difficult day, but I'm using these two days to make myself even stronger, so that I can handle Saturday.

I am in fact very proud of myself. Yesterday was very hard, and I could easily have slipped, but I did the right things and I managed to get through the day. I have learned a thing or two about myself and I have seen what a powerful tool SR can be. The love and support I have found here is unbelievable. Thank you.

OpenTuning

The strength you're showing in such difficult times is a real inspiration. I'm so happy you feel proud of yourself, that you can recognise your inner strength. I smile every time I see your signature "Because I'm worth it!" You really are.

I can say with absolute certainty that if it wasn't for SR, I would not have quit drinking 10 months ago, and would not have made the commitment to never drink again. It's such a wonderful, wonderful source of support, please do keep posting whenever things get difficult, which they surely will at times, and also to share when things are going well. We all love hearing success stories too

Dee74

Keep it going Fabela

Fabela

I feel happy today, and I've decided that I'm allowed to be happy.

CaseyW

You are worthy of happiness.

Fabela

There is a conversation going on inside my head. I need to write it down just to see what's going on. Who's doing the talking is hard to say, but I suspect at least one of them is my AV.

I have stopped drinking. I am incredibly proud of myself, and since I'm quite competitive I can't slip up. I mean, I've made a commitment, and I have to stick to it, if not, it proves that I am indeed a bad person. I am very confident that I can do this, but part of me doesn't want to do it. It knows that I can't drink when I'm alone with the kids, and it says OK to that. I really want to tell my doctor and my therapist (I have appointments with both next Friday) that I have been sober for the last 16 days, and I know I can make it that far.

This forum has been a lifesaver for me these past few days, and I know it can be a great help in the future as well, but there are some parts that feed my AV. I realize that I caught this early, I'm nowhere as far gone as the majority here, and that in my head means that I can do this a bit longer. I've never driven under the influence, I've never spent the night in jail, I've never continued drinking the day after, I've never passed out. I've never been in trouble with the police (unless you count the time when I was standing on the edge of a bridge and they pulled me down kicking and screaming so bad they had to handcuff me), I've never had to go to the ER because of alcohol alone, just to patch me up after a hot date with my wallpaper cutter. So, in my mind, I'm starting to feel that it is OK for me to drink next Friday. Coz I'm not that far gone.

I guess I'm telling you this so that someone can say that it's not OK. I don't know. I hate this.

lovingliving

I am the same. Great at hiding my problem for years. But just because no one has seen me slip up badly (ie police, hospital staff, kids etc) doesn't mean they wont eventually. This is a progressive problem and you are wise for realising sooner than later.

I have been doing the same thing for too many years. I often go a few days and then think "oh I don't really have a problem, see I feel great now and nothing REALLY bad has ever happened as a result of my drinking" But that doesn't mean I haven't missed out on soooo much because I have been too hungover to enjoy my now 12 and 14 year old some days. Im not missing out on life anymore. And I am not poisoning myself with alcohol anymore. No one ever says I wish I would have drank more often over the years. Its a trick, don't fall for it. I have fallen for it too many times and only end up back here again, a little worse for ware and feeling even more defeated and a bigger failure than the first time.

CaseyW

Add a 'yet' to the end of every one of those sentences, because they're coming if you continue to drink. That's what happened to me after I made my first attempt at sobriety in the summer of 2002. Every single one of those things except the ER, and it should have too only I was too stubborn to go and luckily survived anyways.

This is a progressive addiction. It doesn't get any better. It was already bad enough that you searched out and joined an internet forum devoted to sobriety. No one joins this forum on accident. You're on the right track, and your addiction is running scared and scrambling for any reason for you to give in and feed it that first drink. Once it has the first, it knows it can get whatever it wants, no matter how bad it is for you.

Every one of us here who is "worse" than you in our addictions will tell you they had a moment just like you are facing right now when they were on the right path and then decided it wasn't bad enough for them to completely stop yet.

Addiction is a one way elevator--it just goes down and down and further down. Good news is you don't have to ride it to the same bottoms that I have. You are already off it and have started walking back up the stairs of recovery. You're already on the right path. Stay on it.

If you start drinking again, there is no guarantee that your addiction will ever give you this chance to heal again. Do not lose this moment.

Do I need to hypnotize you and make you cluck like a chicken? Because I will if that's what it takes.

Fabela

Lovingliving, I know. That's what I'm telling myself.

Casey, you made me laugh. Thanks!

You're both so right, and I needed to be corrected on those irrational thoughts. I want to do this.

tomsteve

yer darn right you do!

and you are allowed and deserve to love yourself!

Renew12

Recovery is also about balance. For myself, in my many attempts at my forever sobriety~recovery, I could obsess about sobriety~recovery (which is fairly normal in early days). I've learned if I'm being triggered by spending too much time at any one thing, I need to give it a little break. Move onto to another part of my recovery plan.

There have been times when I needed to have someone talk me off the ledge. No, it's not OK to drink!.. If your an alcoholic. You likely know this inside. Try not future tripping. Stay in today. Years ago I read The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle. There's some good ideas on living in today. Next Friday isn't here yet.

Don't drink just for today.

Your doing great!

I'll see if I can pop over later to March class. I wanted to you again for your honesty, courage. It helped cement knowing my core addiction is shame. Not guilt, it's different.

Delizadee

Casey's right.

If I could have stopped FULL STOP at the point you are at now I wouldn't have hit all those 'yets'. What I wouldn't give to know then what I know now.

You have a wonderful opportunity. Squash you av every chance you get.
You are here for a reason. And I feel no envy for your position because it is a trap so many of us fall into and it's a long time before we recognize it and we're at that point physically stuck.
Stay strong!

Ariesagain

So? You "caught it early" so you can keep going until...what, your marriage ends? You do end up in the ER? Your health fails?

The analogy to me is this...say the doctor caught your skin cancer early or your lung cancer. So you're going back to the tanning booth or having another cigarette? Because, you know, not quite fatal. Yet.

Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones and nothng really terrible will happen. It hadn't for me. Yet. And relatively speaking, I didn't drink more than 4-5 a day at most and much more typically, 1-3. So? But I had chronc heartburn, depression, anxiety, insomnia, hot flashes, borderlne hypertension, and hypothyroidism, all of which were made worse by alcohol.

So was it terrible, yet? No. But it sure as blue hell wasn't optimal.

Me? I want optimal.

Fabela

I'm sorry I'm not quoting all of you, that does not mean that I haven't read and appreciated your wise answers. It's just that these four small words gave me a physical response. They made me sick to my stomach. I'm describing my AV as "the little voice". Now imagine that little voice completely blocked and drowned by the roars coming from my body - DESTROY. Someone treated me like garbage once. They used me for their own pleasure, and threw me to the wolves. They imprinted the intense feeling of worthlessness onto me. It is still in my pores, in every cell of my body, in my very core. I don't deserve good, and optimal? I can't even bring myself to write the word, I have to force myself.

My sound mind is competing against the little voice and it is winning. But against the voice of my body it doesn't stand a chance.

CaseyW

You don't need to keep punishing yourself for what some evil bastard did to you in the past.

I've only known you for 10 days or so and I can most definitely tell you that you're not anywhere close to worthless. You've helped me tremendously in my own recovery and I know you've helped others too.

Renew12

I understand... I hope you hang on until, your therapist meeting. Maybe write out what you'd like to accomplish at your meeting.. Maybe the topic of shame.

Try to stay in today, or just this hour, minute. Deep belly breaths may help.