trachemys

Don't name your AV

Don't allow it any more than a passing thought

When it insists, offer it the car keys and credit card

When it acts pissed, tell it it can have booze...in 200 years.

Fabela

This is the essence of my problem. When I was raped at the age of ten, I started to think differently about myself. I developed a strong self-hate and I have been punishing myself for more than 30 years. I ate and ate until I was 320 lbs, I have pushed my husband away again and again because I don't deserve to be loved, I have countless scars on my body, and I drink to feel bad. I don't even like the taste of alcohol, I just know that when I drink, I do stupid things and I feel ten times as bad the next day. I don't deserve to be happy. When thing go well, I HAVE TO sabotage it.

I woke up this morning hearing birds chirping, and the sun was finally here. It's been raining/snowing for a week, so sunshine is good, right? Not for me. Because I know that when the weather is good, I feel good, and that is wrong. (My heart is racing when I'm writing this, and I am crying. I feel so broken, so abnormal.)

When I hate myself so much, why on earth should I do something that is SO good for me?

OpenTuning

Oh, Fabela, I'm so, so sorry to hear what you're going through. What you experienced at such a young age must have been so traumatic, no wonder you've suffered as you have for so long. Everyone's experiences, and ways of coping with them, are unique to them, but I have some knowledge of what you're describing (through people I've known, not personal to me) and what you've gone through since then, how your mind tried to deal with those events, does echo some of what I heard. It's heartbreaking to know how childhood trauma can have such a damaging impact right through adulthood.

I know you've said you've tried it before, but can I please urge you to think again about considering seeing a counsellor to help you through what you're experiencing right now? So much relies on the relationship you form with them, that it may be you just weren't with the right one before. What little I do know is that bringing traumatic experiences out into the open, providing an opportunity to process them and find new hopefully healthier ways to cope with them, can make a real difference, but I'd be worried about you doing that on your own, without the right support.

Please know you're in my thoughts. So cruel, and so unfair that you've had to deal with such a terrible experience from such a very young age.

Fabela

Dear OT, I am seeing a therapist now and we are working on these issues. I have come a long way the past few months and I am slowly learning to do good things for myself. The decision to quit drinking is something that I would never have done earlier, so there is hope, but it is going to take years to change my thoughts about myself and I am so worried that I do something very stupid and possibly dangerous before that happens.

Thank you for your kind words, that means a lot to me.

Dee74

A lot of our members have self hatred issues -and a lot of the time, it stems from childhood abuse at the hands of another.

I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist Fabela. You were a child and you did nothing wrong.

30 years is way past long enough to beat yourself up for someone else's evil.

D

OpenTuning

Hi Fabela,

I'm so glad to hear that. Yes, from what I understand it can be a long, and often painful process, to deal with such traumatic experiences. Although in the right conditions, our mind's natural ability to heal itself is a powerful force and it's possible you might well find yourself making sudden and surprising progress sooner than you think.

One thing in your post really struck me, and I just wanted to comment on it. When you said you feel so abnormal. I'm sure your therapist has said this already, but I want to echo it. Nothing you wrote sounded at all abnormal to me. I understand completely why you've done the things you have. You experienced a highly traumatic event, and your young mind did what it could to protect you from that. Everything you described makes sense with that in mind, even though clearly the impact of that has been even more damaging for you.

The decision to get sober is a hugely positive step for you, and I'm so happy for you that you've chosen to do that. For now, that's something you do have control over, and with this I can speak from personal experience. The longer you stay sober, the easier it will become, and that can only help as you deal with everything else in your life.

Soberwolf

Have a nice day Fabela x

Fabela

I don't feel much in control today, OT. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and my cheekbones are throbbing. The only thing keeping me from eating ten lukewarm cinnamonbuns is sheer willpower. I have an overwhelming urge to do something bad, even with sharp objects. To illustrate how I feel; I was watching American Funniest Home Videos, and there was this funny compilation with animals and balloons and I was laughing out loud. As soon as I did that I felt a sudden pang of guilt and I had to turn it off. I can't even let myself laugh.

(I don't expect you to comment on this, I'm writing it just to see it.)

trachemys

I'll comment. Don't you dare do anything to hurt yourself.

OpenTuning

Hi Fabela,

I read your last post as you writing down the thoughts and feelings you're having, as a way to be more aware of them and help weaken whatever hold they may have on you, but of course if you feel there's any risk you might actually act on any of those urges, then please do reach out to whatever support you have available where you are. Not something you want to be coping with on your own.

Fabela

I'm not hurting myself. I'm not drinking. I'm not eating things with sugar. I have just made my family homemade burgers (I even made the buns) and then I spent ten minutes rolled up in a ball on the couch, crying again. I am trying to feel my feelings, if that makes any sense. Earlier I have done all sorts of things to prevent me from feeling those negative emotions, food, alcohol, wallpaper cutters, but now I need to deal with the emotions in a healthy way. Crying is way better than hurting myself.

I'm watching the clock. 68 minutes until the shops stop selling alcohol. I'm staying right here.

CaseyW

Right here is a great place to be, Fabela. Post once a minute for the next 68 if you have to. We're here for you.

Fabela

Casey, you're making me cry again...

I'll stay right here.

Fabela

6pm. I'm still here.

Soberwolf

Your doing great Fabela

Fabela

Thanks, SW.

Renew12

I remember trying to achieve sobriety in my forties. This is when many of my childhood memories of sexual abuse, other abuses came flooding into my mind. Let alone adult abuses.

I too struggle with self hate. Being happy was a trigger. I've seen Pdoc, therapist, Op-rehab. It has been hard to be positive, be confident, to not self harm. I'm learning that I'm a survivor. That I can love myself. Even if I have to fake it till I make it.

Everyday I try to look in the mirror & say one positive thing about me. Like my hair, or that I made my family a nice dinner. I'm learning through others & my HP I'm worth it! I was an innocent child. Just like you.

Thank you for having the courage to be so open. I struggle with this. Cry all you need to. They say it's healing. I have a PHD in stuffing my feelings. But, finally realized it's OK to feel. I'm human. I grieved in part to a loss in childhood. One thing drinking gave me besides the escape, was to burst into tears. It also kept me stuck in the past.

As time has passed, I don't cry so easily, I don't sabotage self to the degree I once did. I'm becoming more confident & positive. I think some of it is due to many losses, pain. I'm sorta desensitized from life's punches. Maybe its age. I'm moving fwd one day at a time. Facing my fears.

I feel angry when I hear, read what happened to you. I don't act upon these feelings today, by self medicating.

Your doing great..

CaseyW

Great job, Fabela. My internet went out for a bit there. Glad to come back and see this, but I always knew I would. You are worth it!

Fabela

Thank you for telling me this. Suddenly I don't feel so alone anymore. It is heartbreaking to hear what you have been through, but strangely enough, it gives me some comfort. Isn't that weird? I am glad to hear that you have worked through these issues and faced your fear. Gives me hope that maybe I one day can do the same. Stay strong.

Fabela

Thank you for having faith in me, CW. And you're right, I AM worth it.