One week today....but....don't thank me
 

Hi All,

One week ago I suffered my first seizure something I of course never thought would happen to me. The only blessing was I was not in my car which if it happened 1 minute sooner or 1 minute later I would have been and I and countless others would quite possibly be dead.

For the past month I have been basically staying with my folks and going over to my house to spend time with my wife and kids as much as I can muster up the ability to do so. Last Sunday after a night of drinking I woke up and made it over there. I am also on a ton of psychotropic drugs for anxiety and depression so drinking on these is simply doubling down on stupid. I spent about a half day at my house with the kids and didn't drink but also didn't eat. As I left I offered to return some movies my wife had rented on my way home. There in the store I seized and hit the ground. I remember none of this and luckily there were people there to call 911. Next thing I remember was waking up in the ambulance. I suffered a concussion and had some mild bleeding on my brain. I was released yesterday and am back at my parents house.

During my entire stay at hospital I never once craved a drink. When I felt well enough I called and researched inpatient places for help and acceptance. I am praying I get into one this week as I simply cannot be here or at my parents house. The messed up thing in all of this is that as soon as I walked back into this house I went on the hunt. Vanilla extract, cooking wine, whatever I could try and sneak. I couldn't find anything luckily but my god the madness! I nearly freaking died and am still suffering post concussion syndromes yet there I am looking for the "buzz." WTF with this disease? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My heart is broken and I swear if I had money and was alone I know I would break right now. That is what is so sad and so scary.

I hope you all find a way to fight through this day and stay strong. Bless all of you.

I do understand how scared you feel because I felt that scared too, at the end of my drinking days. There is no question in my mind that this disease will kill you.

I'm glad you are okay and safe and looking for inpatient rehab. This will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Have faith that the fear you feel right now does not have to stay with you.

How scary! I am glad you are ok. It sounds like you are at a turning point. You can go back, or you can go forward. But as the admins are happy to tell you - as am I, it's worthless without a plan. Put one in place now while you can. Make a plan to get to a meeting if possible, or just find another ex drinker to talk to. Get through this day. You can. If you want. I hate to tell people to dwell on the bad, but sometimes it helps at a pivotal point. So I suggest when you think of drinking, you remember the ambulance and coming out of your seizure. How awful it felt. I'm sure you have other drunken experience you can pull from to remember that this never ends very well. I am hoping for you.

I remember my seizure and concussion. It was terrifying. Thank God those days are behind me now. Get the help you need and they'll be behind you, too.

I hope you get the support you need, both here and in real life, to get sober for good. :)

So glad your with us bud

Thanks to all those who took the time to respond. I am finding it so hard to get into an inpatient program which deep down is what I know I truly need. I have the opportunity to sneak today and I am fighting in my head to not do it. The reasons not to so out weigh the reasons to do so. Why does it fight us so hard? I feel so lost and so scared by what I am capable of. I had a seizure a week ago; the biggest fear I have had up until it happened. I know death is about all that's left. I have a wife who still has stayed with me and wants me to get better, kids who miss and love me, and family who has stuck with me through this yet all I can focus on is how can I sneak that bottle into the house? WHY? This disease is pure paralysis and I hate that I have it. I am so hurt, ashamed, scared, and afraid of myself at this point. I am simply typing this to get it off my chest. It is purely a rant.

Bless all of you and get through this day. Live today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Be present in today and stay strong.

Thanks,
TF

I think the thing to remember is we don't have to act on our urges.

I spent a lot of time here on SR in those first few weeks - some days were really tough but I got through and stayed sober.

Have us near when you're tempted - post here first, ok?

D

TF - I remember feeling that way in the early days of getting sober. I drank for decades - it was part of everything I did. We go through many phases as we adjust to life without it - you will get there. It won't always feel this challenging, we promise.