A letter to the vampire
Eternal optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
A letter to the vampire
Well I made it back.
I went back out there thinking I could manage my drinking and this time it almost killed me, literally. I only have 1 day sober but I'm here because my life depends on it.
As I sat watching a sitcom, hungover and feeling absolutely rotten, something popped into my head, I grabbed pencil and paper and wrote it down. I want to share it with you. It came out in one fell swoop so I choose not to edit it, just leave it as it poured out.
I'm glad I can type it because my writing was that of a preschooler - or worse - a doctor.
So here is a letter to my tormentor, ALCOHOL. Bear with me, it's kind of long:
Like a vampire you drain me...
You lure me in with the promise of passion and distraction from my pain. Your allure overrides every attempt I make to say no more. No more. Because in the daylight I am gray and drained. After a night with you my cells are dead and dying. I feel awful. Sluggish as you've taken my life force. With my own mouth I've given my breath away. I open wide and let you take my ability to function. To think. I've lost my mind to the promise of the high you provide.
But after, oh after, I'm the walking dead. Ashamed. Guilty. Knowing another part of me has died. And yet I seek another night in your coffin. Your coffin disguised as a safe cocoon. The feel of satin, the smell so familiar and ingrained in the pleasure center of my brain. I'm lost again in the dizzying dance we do. And I'm swept away.
I don't care about anything. I will say or do anything. I will lie, steal time, hide. Then I need to hide from you when morning comes and my ashen face in the mirror hates what is staring back. An addict. A junkie. So I run from you. I stagger around trying to undo the affects of my actions with you. I seek solace from others but I cannot tell the whole truth of you. That you have control of me and I'm scared.
But as the evening closes in, I'm compelled. I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart pounds as I seek you. Just one more time, take me. Take to that place. Because I forget. I forget that you are slowly killing me and I am a willing participant.
Some hate you, and I know why. I understand. I'm smart - I have you figured out. But insidiously you infect me again and again. I take you into my body. I surrender. I will myself to not think about the consequences of being weak. I take you as fast and deep as I can so I can forget and only feel the cold comfort you provide. Only you. The demon with a pretty label and a high only you can escalate me to. The worst kind, with a price too high to pay.
I love you then I hate you, in turn I hate me. I'm caught in a vicious cycle. My friends suspect, my family. They distance themselves because they have seen the carnage of a vampire. And they warn me "Don't let the vampire in, do NOT invite him". I nod, I understand. I promise myself no more. Not again. I would rather die quickly than the slow death you offer. Drive the stake through my heart because I am powerless to drive it through yours. I threaten to but then you show your fangs and I stick my neck out for you. Take me. Kill me. I'm yours.
If you stayed with me through that, thank you.
I am choosing to be here and stay in the light where the vampire has no more power.
I went back out there thinking I could manage my drinking and this time it almost killed me, literally. I only have 1 day sober but I'm here because my life depends on it.
As I sat watching a sitcom, hungover and feeling absolutely rotten, something popped into my head, I grabbed pencil and paper and wrote it down. I want to share it with you. It came out in one fell swoop so I choose not to edit it, just leave it as it poured out.
I'm glad I can type it because my writing was that of a preschooler - or worse - a doctor.
So here is a letter to my tormentor, ALCOHOL. Bear with me, it's kind of long:
Like a vampire you drain me...
You lure me in with the promise of passion and distraction from my pain. Your allure overrides every attempt I make to say no more. No more. Because in the daylight I am gray and drained. After a night with you my cells are dead and dying. I feel awful. Sluggish as you've taken my life force. With my own mouth I've given my breath away. I open wide and let you take my ability to function. To think. I've lost my mind to the promise of the high you provide.
But after, oh after, I'm the walking dead. Ashamed. Guilty. Knowing another part of me has died. And yet I seek another night in your coffin. Your coffin disguised as a safe cocoon. The feel of satin, the smell so familiar and ingrained in the pleasure center of my brain. I'm lost again in the dizzying dance we do. And I'm swept away.
I don't care about anything. I will say or do anything. I will lie, steal time, hide. Then I need to hide from you when morning comes and my ashen face in the mirror hates what is staring back. An addict. A junkie. So I run from you. I stagger around trying to undo the affects of my actions with you. I seek solace from others but I cannot tell the whole truth of you. That you have control of me and I'm scared.
But as the evening closes in, I'm compelled. I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart pounds as I seek you. Just one more time, take me. Take to that place. Because I forget. I forget that you are slowly killing me and I am a willing participant.
Some hate you, and I know why. I understand. I'm smart - I have you figured out. But insidiously you infect me again and again. I take you into my body. I surrender. I will myself to not think about the consequences of being weak. I take you as fast and deep as I can so I can forget and only feel the cold comfort you provide. Only you. The demon with a pretty label and a high only you can escalate me to. The worst kind, with a price too high to pay.
I love you then I hate you, in turn I hate me. I'm caught in a vicious cycle. My friends suspect, my family. They distance themselves because they have seen the carnage of a vampire. And they warn me "Don't let the vampire in, do NOT invite him". I nod, I understand. I promise myself no more. Not again. I would rather die quickly than the slow death you offer. Drive the stake through my heart because I am powerless to drive it through yours. I threaten to but then you show your fangs and I stick my neck out for you. Take me. Kill me. I'm yours.
If you stayed with me through that, thank you.
I am choosing to be here and stay in the light where the vampire has no more power.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Thank you so much for sharing that perfect piece of writing!
I'm so glad you are back! Another Day One is better than another day drunk or using.
I've had a number of "day ones" and usually they are just about getting through the physical stuff, but the next step for me has always been to find something I can do different than I did before. Sometimes it's been dramatic and sometimes small and subtle.
You have as good a chance at staying sober as ANYONE. Keep that in mind and be encouraged by that thought.
Nands
I'm so glad you are back! Another Day One is better than another day drunk or using.
I've had a number of "day ones" and usually they are just about getting through the physical stuff, but the next step for me has always been to find something I can do different than I did before. Sometimes it's been dramatic and sometimes small and subtle.
You have as good a chance at staying sober as ANYONE. Keep that in mind and be encouraged by that thought.
Nands
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Such a poignant account every word resonates in mind and body it felt like I was right there with you! I am day 62 you can do this 
Originally Posted by prettypoison 
Well I made it back.
I went back out there thinking I could manage my drinking and this time it almost killed me, literally. I only have 1 day sober but I'm here because my life depends on it.
As I sat watching a sitcom, hungover and feeling absolutely rotten, something popped into my head, I grabbed pencil and paper and wrote it down. I want to share it with you. It came out in one fell swoop so I choose not to edit it, just leave it as it poured out.
I'm glad I can type it because my writing was that of a preschooler - or worse - a doctor.
So here is a letter to my tormentor, ALCOHOL. Bear with me, it's kind of long:
Like a vampire you drain me...
You lure me in with the promise of passion and distraction from my pain. Your allure overrides every attempt I make to say no more. No more. Because in the daylight I am gray and drained. After a night with you my cells are dead and dying. I feel awful. Sluggish as you've taken my life force. With my own mouth I've given my breath away. I open wide and let you take my ability to function. To think. I've lost my mind to the promise of the high you provide.
But after, oh after, I'm the walking dead. Ashamed. Guilty. Knowing another part of me has died. And yet I seek another night in your coffin. Your coffin disguised as a safe cocoon. The feel of satin, the smell so familiar and ingrained in the pleasure center of my brain. I'm lost again in the dizzying dance we do. And I'm swept away.
I don't care about anything. I will say or do anything. I will lie, steal time, hide. Then I need to hide from you when morning comes and my ashen face in the mirror hates what is staring back. An addict. A junkie. So I run from you. I stagger around trying to undo the affects of my actions with you. I seek solace from others but I cannot tell the whole truth of you. That you have control of me and I'm scared.
But as the evening closes in, I'm compelled. I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart pounds as I seek you. Just one more time, take me. Take to that place. Because I forget. I forget that you are slowly killing me and I am a willing participant.
Some hate you, and I know why. I understand. I'm smart - I have you figured out. But insidiously you infect me again and again. I take you into my body. I surrender. I will myself to not think about the consequences of being weak. I take you as fast and deep as I can so I can forget and only feel the cold comfort you provide. Only you. The demon with a pretty label and a high only you can escalate me to. The worst kind, with a price too high to pay.
I love you then I hate you, in turn I hate me. I'm caught in a vicious cycle. My friends suspect, my family. They distance themselves because they have seen the carnage of a vampire. And they warn me "Don't let the vampire in, do NOT invite him". I nod, I understand. I promise myself no more. Not again. I would rather die quickly than the slow death you offer. Drive the stake through my heart because I am powerless to drive it through yours. I threaten to but then you show your fangs and I stick my neck out for you. Take me. Kill me. I'm yours.
If you stayed with me through that, thank you.
I am choosing to be here and stay in the light where the vampire has no more power.
I went back out there thinking I could manage my drinking and this time it almost killed me, literally. I only have 1 day sober but I'm here because my life depends on it.
As I sat watching a sitcom, hungover and feeling absolutely rotten, something popped into my head, I grabbed pencil and paper and wrote it down. I want to share it with you. It came out in one fell swoop so I choose not to edit it, just leave it as it poured out.
I'm glad I can type it because my writing was that of a preschooler - or worse - a doctor.
So here is a letter to my tormentor, ALCOHOL. Bear with me, it's kind of long:
Like a vampire you drain me...
You lure me in with the promise of passion and distraction from my pain. Your allure overrides every attempt I make to say no more. No more. Because in the daylight I am gray and drained. After a night with you my cells are dead and dying. I feel awful. Sluggish as you've taken my life force. With my own mouth I've given my breath away. I open wide and let you take my ability to function. To think. I've lost my mind to the promise of the high you provide.
But after, oh after, I'm the walking dead. Ashamed. Guilty. Knowing another part of me has died. And yet I seek another night in your coffin. Your coffin disguised as a safe cocoon. The feel of satin, the smell so familiar and ingrained in the pleasure center of my brain. I'm lost again in the dizzying dance we do. And I'm swept away.
I don't care about anything. I will say or do anything. I will lie, steal time, hide. Then I need to hide from you when morning comes and my ashen face in the mirror hates what is staring back. An addict. A junkie. So I run from you. I stagger around trying to undo the affects of my actions with you. I seek solace from others but I cannot tell the whole truth of you. That you have control of me and I'm scared.
But as the evening closes in, I'm compelled. I cannot stop thinking of you. My heart pounds as I seek you. Just one more time, take me. Take to that place. Because I forget. I forget that you are slowly killing me and I am a willing participant.
Some hate you, and I know why. I understand. I'm smart - I have you figured out. But insidiously you infect me again and again. I take you into my body. I surrender. I will myself to not think about the consequences of being weak. I take you as fast and deep as I can so I can forget and only feel the cold comfort you provide. Only you. The demon with a pretty label and a high only you can escalate me to. The worst kind, with a price too high to pay.
I love you then I hate you, in turn I hate me. I'm caught in a vicious cycle. My friends suspect, my family. They distance themselves because they have seen the carnage of a vampire. And they warn me "Don't let the vampire in, do NOT invite him". I nod, I understand. I promise myself no more. Not again. I would rather die quickly than the slow death you offer. Drive the stake through my heart because I am powerless to drive it through yours. I threaten to but then you show your fangs and I stick my neck out for you. Take me. Kill me. I'm yours.
If you stayed with me through that, thank you.
I am choosing to be here and stay in the light where the vampire has no more power.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. 
Eternal optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. Day one is better than another day hungover wishing I could evaporate.
I will be attending a meeting tomorrow. I know that has been one of the things I have been averse to. Not because I think I am too good, but rather that I think the shame keeps me from not wanting people to see me. The real me, the vulnerable me. How sick I really am. But now there is no pride, just desperation to get help.
I am used to being the caretaker -- not the taken care of. But I know I must tend to me for now.
I have inquired about an Intensive Outpatient Program at one of our local rehab centers upon a friend's recommendation. I think that is my best option in conjunction with coming here.
I previously made it almost 5 months sober just being part of this community. I know I can do it again (and then some).
I have never experienced such a harrowing experience as I have this time with my drinking. I know at some point I will share the gory details of what happened, but for now I'm just happy I made it through the day without a drink.
Thanks for being here and I hope to be here for you too.
I will be attending a meeting tomorrow. I know that has been one of the things I have been averse to. Not because I think I am too good, but rather that I think the shame keeps me from not wanting people to see me. The real me, the vulnerable me. How sick I really am. But now there is no pride, just desperation to get help.
I am used to being the caretaker -- not the taken care of. But I know I must tend to me for now.
I have inquired about an Intensive Outpatient Program at one of our local rehab centers upon a friend's recommendation. I think that is my best option in conjunction with coming here.
I previously made it almost 5 months sober just being part of this community. I know I can do it again (and then some).
I have never experienced such a harrowing experience as I have this time with my drinking. I know at some point I will share the gory details of what happened, but for now I'm just happy I made it through the day without a drink.
Thanks for being here and I hope to be here for you too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Good post, pretty!
You have perfectly described the inferno that so many go through every day, regardless of their drug of choice. I think your words have given relief to more people than you may realize. They are not alone. We all know there are many who lurk here on SR, never stepping into the light. They are afraid to put their thoughts and feelings down in words for the whole world to see. They can't be blamed, though. It's so hard to do what you have done. I applaud you for making yourself vulnerable and stepping into the light. In doing so, I believe you are already helping others who suffer from the same horrible vampire. Hopefully, your words will give others the courage to step into the light and seek the help they need.
I love how your posts almost always end with a feeling of hope. For as long as I've known you, your posts and messages always carry that "eternal optimist" mantra. I also love that subtle sense of humor you have that no one has managed to kill off, not even the vampire.
I know you can do this!
You have perfectly described the inferno that so many go through every day, regardless of their drug of choice. I think your words have given relief to more people than you may realize. They are not alone. We all know there are many who lurk here on SR, never stepping into the light. They are afraid to put their thoughts and feelings down in words for the whole world to see. They can't be blamed, though. It's so hard to do what you have done. I applaud you for making yourself vulnerable and stepping into the light. In doing so, I believe you are already helping others who suffer from the same horrible vampire. Hopefully, your words will give others the courage to step into the light and seek the help they need.
I love how your posts almost always end with a feeling of hope. For as long as I've known you, your posts and messages always carry that "eternal optimist" mantra. I also love that subtle sense of humor you have that no one has managed to kill off, not even the vampire.
I know you can do this!
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