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I know it will pass !!

Old 03-17-2016, 04:36 PM
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Glad you checked back in, RedAndy. Maybe you could find some volunteer work or something to do, anything to take your mind off itself for a little while...just a thought.
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Old 03-17-2016, 04:57 PM
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I'm glad it worked out ok Andy.

I'm gonna chime in and echo the others tho - going to places where you used to drink, where others are drinking, is not the way to close down that obsession - or at least it wasn't for me.

You may even be feeding it.

Give youself a break. I took several months 'off', staying away from anywhere where I might find alcohol...extreme maybe but I was an extreme drinker.

Most importantly, it worked. The chatter stopped, in time.

D
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Old 03-18-2016, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery View Post
I do things I enjoy and if I don't enjoy them I don't do them.

Sobriety is about changing not trying to make your old life work without alcohol
Thanks MI - read this last night before I went to sleep and definitely been going round in my head.

I have made plenty of changes in the last 4 months but it is feeling like not enough right now and know I need to work harder to shut it down.

Casey, volunteering is something I thought about a couple of months ago but as always I put it off for another day, still the daft / selfish old side of me telling me that's not something I'd ever do.

I definitely have a tendency to talk a good game and then not actually follow it through with the plans that I have come up with. I can make plenty of excuses to put things off and do something else none productive and just get lazy, the thoughts and intentions are there but I don't carry them through and take the easy option instead.
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Old 03-18-2016, 07:37 AM
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Our mental state is what predisposes us to the first drink. Try a plan Andy. Glad you toughed it out.
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Old 03-18-2016, 08:26 AM
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Hi Andy,

I saw this thread this morning, and knowing the result of the match I feared the worst. Glad you made it through okay

It's really tough trying to still enjoy things you used to do while drinking. I still went to the weekly Dads night out at the pub after I quit nearly 10 months ago, partly to prove to myself that I could do it sober, and still enjoy it. And I could. But I've noticed I've stopped going. I'd rather spend that time working on my music, to be honest. I've been socialising in other ways that don't involve drinking. I'm taking an evening class and met a lot of really great people through that.

With the football, I don't know when you first started going, but my happiest memories are from when my Dad first took me to matches when I was around 9 years old. For me then, it was all about the excitement of the crowd, the noise, the singing, and seeing my heroes on the pitch (including Stan Bowles and Gerry Francis, just to show how long ago that was). I don't know if it's possible, but if you could try and recapture that time in your mind when you were enjoying matches without drinking, for the sheer love of watching the game, you could maybe help break that connection you're struggling with? Sitting in a different part of the stands, away from your old crowd, is also a great idea. But if football and booze are hardwired together in your head, then I'd agree with the others that maybe taking a break from it for a while is a good idea. Why put yourself through that much agonising if you don't have to?
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Old 03-18-2016, 09:40 AM
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Cheers OT, appreciate your reply and the banter ;-) and yes those early memories are some of my greatest too - same era too that I first started going with my Dad - loved the football of the 70's and 80's much more than today. Remember your QPR favourites too, going with my Dad & Uncle from 7 to 11 and then with mates from there on in advancing quite rapidly to all over the country, spent many years going home and away every season, to be honest I've quietened down on it over the past 6 or 7 years and virtually knocked it on the head over the last couple of seasons as I've fallen out of love with the modern game match going experience somewhat but still go now and then so not going at all for the time being is not a massive issue, last night was only the second time since November, got myself in the same pre match fluster at the other game I went to though so guess there's the pointer to say knock it on the head.

Again once in the ground last night I was ok (until just before half time !!) its the build up to things (not just football) that really get my head wobbling and yes it has pretty much always been the way that football and drink and drugs have gone hand in hand, well since I was 13 - funny thing is I can actually remember everything from last night - same can't be said for most matches I've attended over the years, the football became secondary in reality to the drinking and drugs and days out / weekends away and abroad, I guess sticking to watching it at home is the best bet for the foreseeable at least.

Its the whole change thing that I need to get a grip of though in the fact that I need to change the way I am completely as a person if this is not going to drive me daft, I've stopped meeting up with all the lads - not a chance I could put myself in that situation and doubt I ever will if I'm honest, I'd be back on the lot within minutes, they understand and pointed out for a good while that there was a problem and all wished me well, time to move on but my personality is also ingrained in me and once I'm managing to get the mood up the old me seems to return I'm always too opinionated / loud / excitable - that side I have been trying to shelve but it keeps coming back to the fore and that's what I know I need to reel in to make this work, hence the need to try to work out what other activities and things I can do with my time - everything I've ever done revolves around drink and drugs and not sure how I can truly change into another person other than one that just doesn't drink - however that's what I've convinced myself I have to do to make it work.
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Old 03-18-2016, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by RedAndy View Post
Thanks MI - read this last night before I went to sleep and definitely been going round in my head.

I have made plenty of changes in the last 4 months but it is feeling like not enough right now and know I need to work harder to shut it down.

Casey, volunteering is something I thought about a couple of months ago but as always I put it off for another day, still the daft / selfish old side of me telling me that's not something I'd ever do.

I definitely have a tendency to talk a good game and then not actually follow it through with the plans that I have come up with. I can make plenty of excuses to put things off and do something else none productive and just get lazy, the thoughts and intentions are there but I don't carry them through and take the easy option instead.
I have found sobriety is about what I do not what I say or think.

The alcoholic views themselves through the eyes of their intentions. The world views them through the eyes of their actions
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Old 03-18-2016, 10:23 AM
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Know that feeling about falling out of love with the modern game. Something wrong when it takes a nurse 5-10 years to earn what some of these players make in a week. Still can't stop myself watching Match of the Day every Saturday night though. Maybe we should start an addiction forum for that as well

On your other point, though, one of my fundamental beliefs is in what the therapist Carl Rogers calls the Actualising Tendency (give it a Google if you're bored). The idea that every living creature, from a potato plant on up to humans, is in a continuous state of growth and development. All kinds of things can happen to block that growth, and send it in unhealthy directions. Alcohol and drugs are big ones, so fantastic that you're starting a new sober life. You're giving yourself the chance to heal and find a more fulfilling path in life.

This might sound a bit new age, but for me it's pretty much just a definition of what life is. I can't make any promises about how long it will take, or how much work will be involved to get things back on track, or what the new you might end up like. Perhaps some counselling might be worth considering in case you're drink and drug use was covering up existing issues, rather than just being the cause of them. But I don't believe that the way your life is now is the way it has to remain. As Tom Paine said "We have it in our power to build the world anew".
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Old 03-18-2016, 10:29 AM
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I am glad you did not drink last night good job. You've proven something to yourself there-that you can still go out and do fun things and not have to drink to enjoy it. That's a huge realization for a lot of us.

Now: If you could do something about the obsessive thoughts I think you'd feel a lot better. You are at liberty in one sense in not actually drinking, but it sounds like you are still in bondage to your thoughts. If it were me, I wouldn't beat myself up about that, but just continue to be aware of it, work on it. I pray about it as I tend to be an "obsesser" too. It's like once something TAKES ROOT in my mind I have a hard time letting it go. That is a good trait when you need to accomplish something that requires INTENSITY, I suppose. But, I feel like in sobriety I am needing to CHANGE my THINKING as much if not more than anything else I do.

I don't think I would have gone to the game like you did as that was likely a huge trigger. But, I guess the object is not to avoid all triggers in life from here on out, but be very aware of the triggers and have a great plan of what to do when they pop up. For example, STRESS is a huge trigger for me, Realistically, I cannot avoid stress altogether, but I can try to cut it down and cope with it better. In some cases, if I can see something optional is just going to stress me out too much, I opt to skip it when possible. So, in looking at stress in my life, I've needed to look at my own choices and actions that have created MORE stress.
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Old 03-18-2016, 04:33 PM
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I think you can be whatever you want to be Andy. For me I didn't so much change into a new person as re-discover an old me I'd forgotten about.

I'm not a zen master - I've very human and I have a lot of things I'd like to change even now...i think the essence of life is to be dedicated to self improvement...but I have a lot of things in me I've made peace with too.

I just don't let any of those things be a reason, factor or trigger for me to drink anymore

D
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Old 03-20-2016, 01:54 AM
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Thanks again guys for all the replies and taking the time to respond and give me some guidance and advice - really do appreciate that, this is definitely a journey I never thought I'd actually ever be on but one that I have to make work no matter how tough it gets at times and the title of this thread has worked as a reminder of exactly what happens with these episodes that seem to be recurring on a fairly regular basis at present.

The calm seems to have returned again which is a huge relief - first thing my wife said is you seem a lot better this morning - something she can see in me straight away - yesterday morning was much of the same and the screaming in my head continued but again got myself down the back of the house chopping trees down and clearing up, doing something productive and felt much better having done so, we have one my clients who is also a long standing family friend and his 2 children staying over for the weekend arriving late afternoon yesterday so was out for a meal last night, he's aware of the situation and a great lad too - I was a little apprehensive early doors but didn't want to make it an issue and managed to stay relaxed about it and rationalise in my own head - made sure I stuffed my face with a big meal and plenty of water and being in the calmer mind set after the morning / afternoons work certainly helped. A nice evening chatting and relaxing with the kids once we got back to the house.

Definitely need to work on those obsessive thoughts once they start as it really does play with my head and start spiralling out of control.
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Old 03-20-2016, 06:44 AM
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I really must be my own worst enemy and not thinking things through at all - all good this morning been getting more and more excitable / hyper as the morning wore on we took the kids to the mall - no issues but could feel myself going up and needing to calm - we were then going for another meal - last nights went fine - got to the restaurant which is local to where we live and as soon as we walked through the door I went again - straight outside panicked / feeling really sick and totally uncomfortable my wife and daughter sat with me not really following and other family members arrived but I just had to make an excuse that I didn't feel well and exit quickly so drove home and now sat round at my mums - bit of chat and a call from a friend that I had to answer - calmed down and snapped back to fine then the wife calls and I'm going all weird again - my head is so far all over the place at present its got beyond a joke. Not even considering that drinking is an option or the answer just want this madness to stop,

I know now, after the event that I've obviously set off another massive trigger in the fact that the place is also a hotel and one of my last nights out in October was spent there on an absolute mad one that had started the same day off in the restaurant - I honestly hadn't even considered / remembered that as anything substantial prior to going or as it being an issue and as I say last night went fine (not a place if been to before tho thinking about it).


Really do need to think things through properly.
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Old 03-20-2016, 06:52 AM
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Andy, it's a process--I think everyone has wobbly times in early sobriety
especially when we are in triggering situations.

I think getting out of the situation and going to your Mum's was a smart response.

All I can tell you is that as you don't let these situations derail you,
your "sober muscles" get stronger and the situations begin to lose their power.

The other thing that happened for me
was when not drinking replaced drinking
as the "norm" of my life.
That will happen with time and work on recovery.

The idea of responding to a trigger with drinking has increasingly become
the more uncomfortable option for me, which is the total reverse
of how it used to be and something I thought I'd never see.
I still have my moments, but they are less intense and more time between.

So take heart and keep slogging forward.
Life truly is better sober, but it takes awhile to get there and get
your emotions "retrained" to sober-as-norm
but it will happen
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Old 03-20-2016, 07:16 AM
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Thanks Hawkeye - always good to hear from you and appreciate your input

I am 100% believing life is better sober and is the only way forward, not prepared to go back to day 1 at all for anything - would love a bit more peace tho - just need to understand where to find it and how.
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Old 03-20-2016, 03:10 PM
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Apologies if I've asked this before but are you seeing anyone about these panic attacks Andy?

D
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Old 03-21-2016, 04:41 AM
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Hi Dee,

No I haven't seen anyone about these episodes - mentioned to my GP about the up and down mood swings etc and he adjusted the dosage of SSRI.

Can't seem to stop my mind racing though and generally about nothing - another episode now and just getting going again but feel stupid when speaking to anyone about the thoughts I'm having as they seem like nothing but I can't control how quickly they go from nothing to out of control - its just not rational at all - majority of the time as soon as I start talking I sound absolutely fine and don't seem to have answers for why I am thinking like this - its like I'm making it happen and wondering if I'm making myself worse but I can't stop it and it feels very real and overwhelming - I'm so utterly confused and just want it to end - not sure where to turn to next as I feel like I can't truly explain and there's no one understanding what I'm on about - feel absolutely trapped.
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Old 03-21-2016, 05:31 AM
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Have you asked about cbt or other talking therapies I done it & although it's not perfect it is getting better
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Old 03-21-2016, 06:14 AM
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Hi Andy,

Really sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. I understand how the thoughts you're having are making no sense to you, and can seem like nobody will be able to understand them, but I feel confident that with the right support you'll start to be able to make sense of them.

Can I also suggest that you look into seeing a counsellor/therapist? I know how that can sound. I always used to think only "crazy people" saw therapists. But I've learned that simply isn't the case. They're there simply to help ordinary people get through difficult times in their lives. Your friends and family may well struggle to understand what's going on with you, in the same way you're struggling to understand it, but counsellors are trained specifically to do this. That's what they do.

There are many different styles of therapy (my experience is with Person Centred Therapy, which has worked for me), so I'd suggest looking up what's available in your area, and see about introductory sessions. The common factor for pretty much all therapy is they're built on the relationship you form with the therapist, so you'll want to find someone you feel comfortable with. Which may mean trying different people to get the right fit.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, but I really hope you'll take this option seriously.
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Old 03-21-2016, 08:27 AM
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Thanks SW / OT - I have been seeing a number of counsellors / psychiatrist and have taken a great deal from some of the sessions others not so much so know exactly where you are coming from with finding the right fit with certain people.

The psychiatrist I saw pretty much told me to attend AA/CA which I attended a few times however it just didn't feel right and really wasn't getting it at all put off by a certain side of things, things were going well and I didn't see it as the right fit but keep questioning whether I should return as this is what I was told was the way and at present it's anything but going well - no further contact with him and now feel that having not continued with AA/CA that I won't benefit by returning as I've possibly not helped myself in the way he advised.

Local authority team that I also started to see from the outset some who have been great and others not so have also mentioned the mutual aid meetings but groups aren't really working as I feel straight away that I have no confidence within a group, I did take some stuff away from them initially and can see how they help many but I just don't feel comfortable in them the way I'm feeling at present.

Over analysing everything I say or do or hear, then things kind of make sense and I can deal with it start getting it ok in my head and then off I go again / what I type / read on here - over and over re reading things, wondering if what I have said is right / will it make sense - will I upset anyone / what will people think - who ? I don't know - that really isn't me either I've never been that person who has given a sh1t about what anyone thinks of me, so why now ??

I am talking I am not drinking I am listening I am lost I am not happy then I am happy I am I am I am I am - drowning in my own constant thoughts and want an out from it but will not drink so what do I do to stop this.

Feel that with the routes I've already gone down I'm beginning to look a bit foolish in the eyes of many but I know this is not right at all the way I am feeling and way I am going far too often at present.
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Old 03-21-2016, 09:33 AM
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Hi RA, as most of us know, we can't give medical advice here, but I would inclined to look a little further into the SSRI stuff. It sounds like your brain chemistry is changing? And this is causing a thought process that you are having difficulty controlling.

I only mention it because I take an SSRI as well and for a period of time this summer I started to forget to take it in the morning, and after about 4 days I had some strange things going on and I didn't know why, and then it dawned on me that I had been forgetting to take my morning medication. I drove straight home and took it, and within 24 hrs was back to "normal".
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