Fear: To Stay or To Go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 80
Fear: To Stay or To Go
Hi All, coming up here on Day 60 (yay, I'll post when I get there
and have some big decisions to make, hoping for a bit of feedback. Feeling great, sober, and safe now, I have been living with my sister for the last two months while I get the ship righted. It's been great, but I need to transition back to my "real" life soon. In that life I live alone, in a house I bought three years ago. I've never had a sober day in that house- it's where I had my last relapse (a bad one) and where, every day, I'd come home from work and plop on the couch to drink myself to sleep. In short, lots of negative associations and imprints with the place.
I'm single, and I will probably be doing independent consulting (read: can work anywhere). So i have options and choices. Honestly, I am afraid of going back to that house and living there because I have negative thoughts and experiences associated with it that I fear will lead to a relapse. I could easily rent it out or sell it.
The question is, if I choose NOT to go back, am I running from my fears? How have people dealt with things like this? Others have told me not to touch a hot stove again, but I also don't want to set a precedent with my inner alcoholic to run away when things get scary.
I know I need a plan, and to have a plan, that includes not isolating for many reasons. I have a history of isolating, and when I drink, isolating more. Easier said than done though - there are only so many AA meetings, and it takes time to build a circle of friends.
Any sage advice or thougts from anyone here?
and have some big decisions to make, hoping for a bit of feedback. Feeling great, sober, and safe now, I have been living with my sister for the last two months while I get the ship righted. It's been great, but I need to transition back to my "real" life soon. In that life I live alone, in a house I bought three years ago. I've never had a sober day in that house- it's where I had my last relapse (a bad one) and where, every day, I'd come home from work and plop on the couch to drink myself to sleep. In short, lots of negative associations and imprints with the place.I'm single, and I will probably be doing independent consulting (read: can work anywhere). So i have options and choices. Honestly, I am afraid of going back to that house and living there because I have negative thoughts and experiences associated with it that I fear will lead to a relapse. I could easily rent it out or sell it.
The question is, if I choose NOT to go back, am I running from my fears? How have people dealt with things like this? Others have told me not to touch a hot stove again, but I also don't want to set a precedent with my inner alcoholic to run away when things get scary.
I know I need a plan, and to have a plan, that includes not isolating for many reasons. I have a history of isolating, and when I drink, isolating more. Easier said than done though - there are only so many AA meetings, and it takes time to build a circle of friends.
Any sage advice or thougts from anyone here?
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi! I'm sure you'll get a few replies basically paraphrasing the doctrine to "make no changes in early sobriety." Consider that advice, but don't accept it as Universal Truth.
Like you, I have a "portable" career. I just cleared 60 days yesterday, and I have made the decision to relocate as soon as practical. A side benefit of moving will be that I'll no longer be here in Syracuse, where I do have quite a few sad memories. However, the REAL reasons have to do with seeking a happier and more prosperous life in an area better suited to my profession.
While I DO NOT in any way want to dissuade you from relocating, I would encourage you to focus on the positive reasons for the change. If there aren't any, and the only reason you're moving is to avoid the house where you drank, that's an awful big upheaval just to avoid a drinking venue!
Life wisdom has taught us that it's better to move toward something than away from something.
Where do you think you'd like to live, and what advantages would if offer to you personally, professionally, socially, spiritually, etc?
Dunno if this qualifies as "sage advice" but it's my personal perspective.
Like you, I have a "portable" career. I just cleared 60 days yesterday, and I have made the decision to relocate as soon as practical. A side benefit of moving will be that I'll no longer be here in Syracuse, where I do have quite a few sad memories. However, the REAL reasons have to do with seeking a happier and more prosperous life in an area better suited to my profession.
While I DO NOT in any way want to dissuade you from relocating, I would encourage you to focus on the positive reasons for the change. If there aren't any, and the only reason you're moving is to avoid the house where you drank, that's an awful big upheaval just to avoid a drinking venue!
Life wisdom has taught us that it's better to move toward something than away from something.
Where do you think you'd like to live, and what advantages would if offer to you personally, professionally, socially, spiritually, etc?
Dunno if this qualifies as "sage advice" but it's my personal perspective.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
A final thought: It's prudent that you're paying attention to the ways that you're re-training yourself, and disciplining that "inner alcoholic" to learn that escape is no longer that M.O.
But keep in mind that in addition to being an alcoholic, you are also a human being and a professional. Those parts of your persona need attention and TLC, too.
I've observed something, a lot, and I think it's a mistake a lot of us make in early sobriety. We become SO FOCUSED on sobriety, and un-learning the old drinking habits, that we forget there's a lot more to recovery.
It makes perfect sense that great opportunities and constructive ideas will come our way sober, which never would have presented themselves while we were drinking. Why not follow the ones that seem promising?
But keep in mind that in addition to being an alcoholic, you are also a human being and a professional. Those parts of your persona need attention and TLC, too.
I've observed something, a lot, and I think it's a mistake a lot of us make in early sobriety. We become SO FOCUSED on sobriety, and un-learning the old drinking habits, that we forget there's a lot more to recovery.
It makes perfect sense that great opportunities and constructive ideas will come our way sober, which never would have presented themselves while we were drinking. Why not follow the ones that seem promising?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Sunny - I totally get what you're saying about going back. But was your house the only place you drank? And how about reasons why you drank? If you're like me, I drank because it was sunny OR rainy, it was day OR night, I was happy OR sad, the sky was blue OR grey. The point here is to address the underlying reasons why we open the bottle to begin with, and find ways of shutting that down. And I suspect that when you accomplish that in your own house, it will become your own special place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I say do whatever you think you need to do. But I will share this, my relationship with alcohol was between me and the bottle. My house had no hand in the matter, neither did my wife, dog, car or bicycle. So I live in the same place (that I love) that I spent far too much time drinking. I'm ok with it.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
As was mentioned earlier, no big decisions in early recovery.
If you don't want to stay in the house I would probably rent it. You can decide later if you want to sell it.
If you don't want to stay in the house I would probably rent it. You can decide later if you want to sell it.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
What if you just redecorate a little or change the furniture around for now? When I do that, everything seems fresh and new again for a while.
Saves the stress of a huge change, but changes your environment up a little so you can make new sober memories in it.
Saves the stress of a huge change, but changes your environment up a little so you can make new sober memories in it.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
SR has taught me so much AA taught me so much aswell
Here are some fab links to check out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Cherokee Legend - Two Wolves.
Here are some fab links to check out
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Cherokee Legend - Two Wolves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Good questions and I can fully understand why you would be wondering these things, SunnyD.
The older I get the less I like change...thus I tend to like to stay put. I need consistency and continuity in my life, especially is early sobriety. I need stability. Of course take into consideration I've lived in my current house for 18 years and it will be paid off in less than five and the longer we're in it the less we are motivated to sell and move...
I also like and seem to need a certain amount of routine in my life. It helps me with my insomnia issues too, to maintain a certain rhythm.
One thing about you is you are single and maybe not attached to that house. If the house is giving you more stress than it's worth I can understand you not wanting to keep it. But, on the other hand, sometimes it's good to face your negative feelings and work through them. I've got a lot of memories wrapped up in my home; many of them GOOD, some not so good. I don't really find that the memories of what I have done in my home impact my happiness here. It is what I make it TODAY; now....The past is past..
The older I get the less I like change...thus I tend to like to stay put. I need consistency and continuity in my life, especially is early sobriety. I need stability. Of course take into consideration I've lived in my current house for 18 years and it will be paid off in less than five and the longer we're in it the less we are motivated to sell and move...
I also like and seem to need a certain amount of routine in my life. It helps me with my insomnia issues too, to maintain a certain rhythm.
One thing about you is you are single and maybe not attached to that house. If the house is giving you more stress than it's worth I can understand you not wanting to keep it. But, on the other hand, sometimes it's good to face your negative feelings and work through them. I've got a lot of memories wrapped up in my home; many of them GOOD, some not so good. I don't really find that the memories of what I have done in my home impact my happiness here. It is what I make it TODAY; now....The past is past..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi SunnyD
I just wanted to offer that I got sober in the same house I got drunk in. The house was the same...but I was different.
That being said, I understand everyone's approach may vary.
I should also add I had no real choice...and that 6 months later I moved anyway because the house was sold and torn down.
Some change is unavoidable
If you have choices then by all means explore those choices, take your time, and make a healthy decision for you, and your recovery
D
I just wanted to offer that I got sober in the same house I got drunk in. The house was the same...but I was different.
That being said, I understand everyone's approach may vary.
I should also add I had no real choice...and that 6 months later I moved anyway because the house was sold and torn down.
Some change is unavoidable
If you have choices then by all means explore those choices, take your time, and make a healthy decision for you, and your recovery
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
Like Dee I'm still in the same house I drank in. I make sure I don't come home after work and just sit. That's when I'd always drink. I always drank when fishing and recent did that without a beer.
Being alone after work with nothing to do is a trigger for me. I think that would happen anywhere in any house.
Being alone after work with nothing to do is a trigger for me. I think that would happen anywhere in any house.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi Sunny
This particular topic interests me because being at home after work was also a big trigger for me but I seem to have conquered it.
Coming home from work and plopping on the couch to drink myself to bedtime ... sounds a LOT like my old routine.
To get out of that headspace and all the cues that it held for me, I made a number of small changes that added up to what felt like a whole different routine. Bear in mind this is just my own experience:
- when I get home, I do not just shuck off my shoes, bang my bag down any old place, flop my jacket on the chair and schlepp onto the sofa
- what I do is, I put away my shoes and bag neatly in their own place, get dressed into something comfortable, hang up my work clothes, turn on my music and fix dinner
- but even before I have my dinner, all other chores get done - e.g. folding away laundry, putting away groceries etc.
- I make a healthy dinner at home 90% of the time - yes, it's just for one but that's fine. It doesn't have to be Michelin starred three courses, heating up soup on the hob qualifies.
- while I eat dinner, I log onto SR, sometimes I check in, or read something motivating online.
- dishes, pots and pans get cleared immediately after dinner is done.
- my music is not the same music I listened to before - I sorted out all my music and made sure it's stuff I really like listening to, not a ton of stuff that bores me.
- my flat is now as neat as a pin. After I got my energy back from sobering up, I decluttered the entire flat. I also slowly got to work on a few little home projects, like repotting houseplants and buying scented candles. It motivates me to put things in their place as soon as I get home.
- If I don't feel like being on the Internet, I'll do something positive, like call my mum or dad to say hi if the time difference is all right.
- If I do ever find myself on the sofa in front of the TV, I do not watch the same stuff I used to watch. Back-to-back lifestyle shows don't do it for me much these days. I watch some news or a documentary. But whatever it is, I make sure I don't sit there for hours anymore.
What I think it has been is a weeding-out of a bunch of stuff in my life that wasn't adding anything to the "new" sober me anymore. But I don't think you should feel pressured to dive in and make a ton of changes all at once. It's still a work in progress for me.
Good luck
This particular topic interests me because being at home after work was also a big trigger for me but I seem to have conquered it.
Coming home from work and plopping on the couch to drink myself to bedtime ... sounds a LOT like my old routine.
To get out of that headspace and all the cues that it held for me, I made a number of small changes that added up to what felt like a whole different routine. Bear in mind this is just my own experience:
- when I get home, I do not just shuck off my shoes, bang my bag down any old place, flop my jacket on the chair and schlepp onto the sofa
- what I do is, I put away my shoes and bag neatly in their own place, get dressed into something comfortable, hang up my work clothes, turn on my music and fix dinner
- but even before I have my dinner, all other chores get done - e.g. folding away laundry, putting away groceries etc.
- I make a healthy dinner at home 90% of the time - yes, it's just for one but that's fine. It doesn't have to be Michelin starred three courses, heating up soup on the hob qualifies.
- while I eat dinner, I log onto SR, sometimes I check in, or read something motivating online.
- dishes, pots and pans get cleared immediately after dinner is done.
- my music is not the same music I listened to before - I sorted out all my music and made sure it's stuff I really like listening to, not a ton of stuff that bores me.
- my flat is now as neat as a pin. After I got my energy back from sobering up, I decluttered the entire flat. I also slowly got to work on a few little home projects, like repotting houseplants and buying scented candles. It motivates me to put things in their place as soon as I get home.
- If I don't feel like being on the Internet, I'll do something positive, like call my mum or dad to say hi if the time difference is all right.
- If I do ever find myself on the sofa in front of the TV, I do not watch the same stuff I used to watch. Back-to-back lifestyle shows don't do it for me much these days. I watch some news or a documentary. But whatever it is, I make sure I don't sit there for hours anymore.
What I think it has been is a weeding-out of a bunch of stuff in my life that wasn't adding anything to the "new" sober me anymore. But I don't think you should feel pressured to dive in and make a ton of changes all at once. It's still a work in progress for me.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi,
I DID move house early in sobriety - more because we'd already committed to it before I got sober, and then it was just a case of waiting for all the paperwork to go through. I was really worried about it, but actually it worked out fine. My old place was a dark old Victorian building - full or character, but not much light. Moving meant having to declutter; being forced to sort out old bills; the garden; etc. - stressful, but good for me - and a fresh start in a tiny little modern flat in a tiny city (because it has a Cathedral it's called a city) which is more like a small town. It meant my old drinking friends were further away from me than my new sober friends were - but I did force myself to make those new sober friends through meetings; getting involved in church (which I'd not done for years and years); trying various clubs; volunteering etc. The whole isolation issue will occur anywhere if you let it.
How straightforward would it be to move? Are you renting or do you own your place? To start selling and buying property is obviously far more stressful than handing in notice and finding a new place to rent would be, and stress is best avoided in the early stages. I suppose there are positives and negatives to either scenario.
Like someone else suggested, you could change the furniture / colours scheme of your rooms and have a good de-clutter in your old place and see how that goes first.
I understand you feeling fearful of going back to the house, but you could be focussing on the wrong monster here. Alcoholism is in US, not our houses. The good part of this is that the solution is in US as well.
Good luck - whatever you decide to do
x
I DID move house early in sobriety - more because we'd already committed to it before I got sober, and then it was just a case of waiting for all the paperwork to go through. I was really worried about it, but actually it worked out fine. My old place was a dark old Victorian building - full or character, but not much light. Moving meant having to declutter; being forced to sort out old bills; the garden; etc. - stressful, but good for me - and a fresh start in a tiny little modern flat in a tiny city (because it has a Cathedral it's called a city) which is more like a small town. It meant my old drinking friends were further away from me than my new sober friends were - but I did force myself to make those new sober friends through meetings; getting involved in church (which I'd not done for years and years); trying various clubs; volunteering etc. The whole isolation issue will occur anywhere if you let it.
How straightforward would it be to move? Are you renting or do you own your place? To start selling and buying property is obviously far more stressful than handing in notice and finding a new place to rent would be, and stress is best avoided in the early stages. I suppose there are positives and negatives to either scenario.
Like someone else suggested, you could change the furniture / colours scheme of your rooms and have a good de-clutter in your old place and see how that goes first.
I understand you feeling fearful of going back to the house, but you could be focussing on the wrong monster here. Alcoholism is in US, not our houses. The good part of this is that the solution is in US as well.
Good luck - whatever you decide to do
x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i got sober in the same house i had a LOT of seriously disgusting drunks in.
i came to be pretty comfortable and love that lil house when i got sober.
fear= F*ck Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
i came to be pretty comfortable and love that lil house when i got sober.
fear= F*ck Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
If you ultimately decide to stay in your previous home...
....I think a feng shui redecorating project would be a great way to kick off your new life in it! Out with the old, in with the new!
If I were local, I'd volunteer to help! What a blast!
....I think a feng shui redecorating project would be a great way to kick off your new life in it! Out with the old, in with the new!
If I were local, I'd volunteer to help! What a blast!
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