ItsJustMe89

I went at a ladies meeting tonight. I shared briefly because they asked if I wanted to share. I told them that I am still struggling and have been trying to quit on my own for a while and that was not working out so now I am pushing myself to make more meetings but I still don't have a sponsor and I still cant get past night 3. That I am just still stuck in my cycle that I haven't been able to break yet.

After the meeting a girl that I met over a year ago, when I was trying to get sober last year, came up to me and asked if I remember her. I did. She is 2 years sober now. She gave me her # and said that a few of the ladies are going out to eat and asked if I wanted to come. So I did.

It was nice to be invited and I am glad that I went because that is what I need to be doing. I need to be getting to know AA people, finding a sober network of women, looking for a potential sponsor, and participating in AA both inside and outside the meetings.

But I need to force myself. I felt so out of place, awkward, and uncomfortable during the group dinner. I did my best but I just felt weird. Cause I was the outsider. The one who hasn't quit drinking yet, who doesn't know everyone... just felt like the odd one out. Even tho everyone was very nice.

I just don't know how I am ever going to be able to do this sober thing. If I will be able to find a network of sober women who I fit in with. If I will be able to force myself to raise my hand as a newcomer for 30 days... I hate that. And if that isn't bad enough, once that is over, whoever my sponsor ends up being will tell me I need to start sharing in the meetings. Which scares me to death. Eventually I will be asked to go to the podium to read something like The Promises or How It Works. I remember from last year, I thought I was going to start crying when I was up at the podium reading The Promises. I was short of breath and had to keep pausing. But when someone asks you to do something in AA, the right answer is always yes. I just do not like public speaking or sharing in meetings. That might be one of the many reasons I relapsed on day 87 last year. Because my sponsor told me that now that I am going to be getting my 90 days I need to start sharing in meetings because I have experience that people with less time need to hear. That freaked me out.

Its just a scary world out there when I put down the booze and venture out of my house into the land of the sober living.

Coldfusion

IJM, I'm glad you're going to meetings and working into the program. A lot of your anxiety right now is a direct result of alcohol withdrawal, so that will get better soon. But also by going through the motions of working the program, you are working to relieve your social anxiety in all situations.

I was going to post all "The Promises" as a reply to your post, but then I saw that about being forced to read them. So I am just going to quote one of them, and this is by my memory which isn't that good:

"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."

MariahGayle

Hi IJM, glad you posted & just wanted to say I can relate a lot to your feelings. I just started back to meetings too.....have been in & out for a long time. I just know though that I do belong there....I've realized that I'm not going to "click" with everyone there but I really think if I keep going I'm going to connect with some & find those meetings I'll feel comfortable sharing at. I don't know that I will ever feel comfortable getting up to the podeum to speak but it's NOT a requirement so take that pressure off yourself hugs to you

SoberLife90

It will work out. Just keep on going. You can do it. Glad to see you giving it another shot.

least

I'm glad you got to go out to dinner with them. Keep going to meetings and get numbers to call when you feel tempted to drink. They've all been there and understand.

OldTomato

Keep going to meetings, listening to people speak, and getting people's numbers. You don't have to share if you don't want to and you can say no to someone asking you read out the promises or How It Works! I said no a few times. I've started reading them out now as a way of giving myself a slight push. I don't share at meetings either.

Berrybean

I know people who never do a share in meetings. They turn up regularly, listen, help set up and clear up, and chat before / after meetings and in break times to one or two people at a time. And they have sponsors who understand them and what their comfort levels are. Please don't stress about sharing in the actual meeting for now. Later on, you might decide that this is something that you want to be able to do, and want to push yourself to do it, but that may or may not happen, and is not as important as getting (and staying) sober, and working on your recovery so that you can start to address those feelings of separateness, isolation and loneliness - because these make sobriety unbearable, or at the least, uncomfortable.

I know my sponsee feels much more able to chat with others while she's serving coffee, or doing the washing up. Maybe that would be a way to go.

I think it's lovely that you were invited out to dinner after the meeting, and that it was brilliant that you went along. I'd never have been able to do that at the start. And even now (2 years sober) would struggle if it was a group of people I didn't know well. Do they go out regularly? If so, it'll get much easier as you get to know them. I've been out with just a couple of my closest AA lady friends for dinner or coffee lots of times, but never a larger group.

When you choose your sponsor I'd suggest that you choose someone who has what you want - maybe look out for someone who is happy to attend meetings without always sharing, and who has found peace with their more reserved nature. By their very nature these people are harder to spot than the more outgoing ones, but I suspect that there are very few meetings that don't have at least a couple of more introverted long-term members.

MIRecovery

One of my best buddies in AA coined a term, "Awfullizing." The definition is living in the future and imagining all sorts of doomsday senarios that don't and won't exist.

I'm 6 years sober and still an expert on Awfullizing. When I catch myself doing it I pull myself back and remind myself all I have is today.

Today is not tomorrow or yesterday. Today I will do what I have to do to stay sober. For me that means. Praying for a day of sobriety, reading spiritual writings, reading daily reflections, going to an AA meeting early and staying late. Today I will be talking to a member who lost his son to addiction and is struggling, I will post on SR.

All of these things I will do today. Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings but tomorrow is not today

MIRecovery

I had not read daily reflections when I wrote my post but how appropriate todays reading is.

A DAY’S PLAN
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 86
Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will. Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose; a hundred times, if necessary.

Berrybean

Just been for a wander round the shops and lunch with my best AA buddy. Shared the 'awfullising' phrase with her - she's been doing a lot of it lately after a particularly rough few months - we agree that this is a new favourite word. Thanks

Anna

I'm glad you're working on your recovery and that you have pushed yourself a bit out of your comfort zone. Try to be kind to yourself and be proud of the steps you've taken so far.

sg1970

The right answer in AA is not always yes. If you don't want to share or don't want to read then don't. There will be plenty of time for that later. If you are sitting there in fear worrying you may miss something you need to hear. Don't let anyone pressure you that much.

Bird615

I still don't comment much even after all my time around the program.

I find if I'm too concerned with what I want to say, I miss out on what everyone else is saying. I've learned that when I really do have something to say, I will just say it and if I'm working too hard to figure out what that is, maybe I don't really have anything to say.

I used to also agree with that idea that you should never say "no" in AA, but then I heard a woman in a meeting say that sometimes she does say no now because she was a people-pleaser all her life. I have to agree that sometimes saying no is appropriate, especially if it's causing you that much anxiety.

It sounds like you're off to a good start. One day at a time as was mentioned and the future will take care of itself.

Soberwolf

Your doing well keep it in the day it's all we have tomorrow can wait

fini

IJM,

indeed the response can't and shouldn't always be 'yes'.
nor does anyone HAVE to raise their hand, for 1 day or 30, or share.

there are customary things in meetings, and these vary considerably by location, it seems.

so, for me, yeah, i 'force' myself to do some stuff. and the reason i mostly do that is because i want the change that can come that way. because my 'old ways' kept me just the same. which wasn't working well for me. or others.

pretty sure that truthfully most people who start in AA aren't there because they love it or feel comfy there right off the bat.
mostly, it's desperation that brings us there.

if you think AA is the way for you, keep going and start doing stuff like you just did and it will all get easier.