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Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Patty,
I stand by what Ann says. She's very wise. After a little time some people start to forget. Don't forget what happened. You don't want it to happen again. It may have to come to you getting another job so as not to be influenced but your life and your sanity is worth it.
I stand by what Ann says. She's very wise. After a little time some people start to forget. Don't forget what happened. You don't want it to happen again. It may have to come to you getting another job so as not to be influenced but your life and your sanity is worth it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Patty
This is a link to some very good information about abuse. The "Wheel of Control and Power" is one that most crisis centres give to clients to help them see if it doesn't fit their own situation. Take a special look at that part.
http://www.leavingabuse.com/index.html
More hugs and more prayers
Ann
This is a link to some very good information about abuse. The "Wheel of Control and Power" is one that most crisis centres give to clients to help them see if it doesn't fit their own situation. Take a special look at that part.
http://www.leavingabuse.com/index.html
More hugs and more prayers
Ann
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
((Patty)) You have gotten great advise here. Just know that YOU deserve better! Life has a lot to offer and change is good. You are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for your happiness!!
Big Hugs and Prayers to you, Ted and Sue!!
Love ya,
Missy
Big Hugs and Prayers to you, Ted and Sue!!
Love ya,
Missy
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
(((Patty)))
Everyone has given you such great advice here. I also agree with Ann. I had a friend who stayed with an abusive man. He's only slapped me a few times, she would say. Well, the last time he put his hands on her, they were wrapped around her neck. Had her daughter not called the police, she wouldn't be here today. She said she was about to pass out, when the police knocked on the door, and he dropped her. It does get worse with an abuser. Break the cycle, and know that you are worth so much better!
Sherry
Everyone has given you such great advice here. I also agree with Ann. I had a friend who stayed with an abusive man. He's only slapped me a few times, she would say. Well, the last time he put his hands on her, they were wrapped around her neck. Had her daughter not called the police, she wouldn't be here today. She said she was about to pass out, when the police knocked on the door, and he dropped her. It does get worse with an abuser. Break the cycle, and know that you are worth so much better!
Sherry
:lumpy....ted
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Richmond,Virginia
Posts: 98
Went To Court
WELL, I GOT A PROTECTIVE ORDER GOOD UNTIL DEC 1. HE HAS ALREADY CONTACTED BY PHONE. I CALLED SHERIFF'S OFFICE. THEY ARE TAKING CARE OF IT. THEY DIDN'T GIVE HIM BAIL BECAUSE HE THREATENED TO KILL THE POLICE WHO ARRESTED HIM AND ME ALSO. HIS DADDY GOT HIM A LAWYER AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW WE GO FOR THE NEXT BAIL HEARING ON OCT 18TH. THAT IS UNLESS HIS LAWYER GETS IT MOVED UP. THEY DID TELL ME THAT I CAN GET A TWO YEAR ORDER WHEN HE DOES GET OUT THOUGH, MAYBE THAT WILL HELP???? HANGIN IN THERE THOUGH. LOVE TO ALL. KEEP US (TED AND SUE TOO) ALL IN YOUR PRAYERS. THANKS,PATTY 
ORDER IN THE COURT!!!!
ORDER IN THE COURT!!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Richmond,Virginia
Posts: 98
2dayzmuse- I'M TRYING TOO. I WENT TO THE MAGISTRATES OFFICE TODAY AND FILED MORE CHARGES ON HIM BECAUSE HE HAS CALLED TED'S HOUSE TWO TIMES SINCE I HAVE HAD MY PROTECTION ORDER. I'M STAYING WITH TED AND SUE. THEY FILED THE PAPER WORK AND SAID THEY WOULD SEND ME THE COURT DATE TO BE THERE. JUST WAITING, I'M OK AS LONG AS HE IS IN JAIL, WHEN HE GET'S OUT MAY BE DIFFERENT!!! TED- SURE DOES LOOK FAMILIAR!!!!! :scared1: :scared1: :scared1: LOVE PATTY
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 353
Hi ((((Patty)))) i'm alice former battered wife who lived in of all places the Fan in Richmond Va. !!!!that is the city i left him in. so i am down with your struggle- you are doing everything right! stay strong- i know how hard it is to leave and why.... but you can do this and find your happiness. i sure did!!! i am sending you light and love.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Richmond,Virginia
Posts: 98
ALICE, IT'S REALLY ROUGH BECAUSE I WAS WORKING FOR HIS AUNT AT A DAYCARE, NOW I AM UNEMPLOYED. SUE RENTS A HOUSE OF OF MY BF'S FATHER SO WE DON'T KNOW HOW THAT IS GOING TO TURN OUT. HE HAS A BAIL HEARING ON MONDAY, THEY DENIGHED IT LAST TIME BECAUSE HE HAD THREATENED THE POLICE AND MYSELF. JUST WAITING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. HIS PARENTS ALSO LIVE A FEW DOORS UP THE ROAD FROM US. JUST A REALLY MESSED UP SITUATION. :shrug: :shrug: :shrug: LOVE PATTY
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 353
i know i didn't want to hear this while i was trying to leave but it really is the truth and i found that out when i finally did get away--you have to cut all contact. completely. do you think you can do this? you may have to do it in stages but it would really be better and safer for you to do it altogether. ugh this stuff sucks and i know you are probably already really exhausted. he is threatening cops because partly underneath it all he wants them to keep him so that he will not hurt you... but... don't for a minute think he won't show up and beat you-- mine went to jail on something unrelated to our stuff and threatened cops too. i kept him in jail so i could get together a plan of escape...well there was a knock on the door and i knew it couldn't be him! when i opened it he knocked me across the room,beat the holy dog poop out of me... broke my ribs,blackened both eyes, pounded my head into the floor till he knocked me unconscious. my neighbors heard my screams and did nothing! what about the person who lived underneath me? i know he heard my poor little head hitting over and over! i lived in an upscale apartment building on monument ave!!!!! oh well...
i was not some idiot who liked to get the crap knocked out of them but once the line is crossed it can be really difficult to rid yourself of a psychopath. i was absolutely terrified of him. twenty years ago the system and society had the notion that women who were abused somehow liked it!!!!
things have changed thank goodness. you can do this and you need to. you have support and you are working with the system. trust your instincts they are right- his family will be on his side always- you are not the first victim more than likely and probably not the last but if you really want to help the overall situation- meaning both of you- cut all contact and stick to it. i know it is hard to "be mean" etc. i have been there and while we are outraged and angry that they have hurt us at the same time we have deep feelings for them. it is rather confusing and makes it sooo much harder to do the right thing. compassion isn't always kind but your boyfriend needs consequences and you need him to face them so that real healing can take place here. you have great support and you can do this- people will help you every step of the way if let them in to your heart and it looks like you have. i have helped many women leave their abusive partners- one of my oldest and best friends is someone i met at a waitressing job and helped her get away from her husband after my second day of work when i saw the bruises! talk about female bonding! anyway we were just talking on the phone. she lives in a beautiful house with the sweetest guy who just loves her to pieces and neither one of us can believe that we ever lived in such hell and if you would have asked me at the time i would have told you i never could have gotten away. "women who love too much" is a book you should read. also is there therapy or a group or something you can get into to help you process and sort through all of this? okay i will stop rambling... i just really want you to know that you can do this and that you can and will be happy. i am and no one has ever raised a hand to me for twenty years! i concentrate on the lovey dovey types now! it's much better. it's all about flowers and chocolate!yum yum ((((Patty))))
love-alice
i was not some idiot who liked to get the crap knocked out of them but once the line is crossed it can be really difficult to rid yourself of a psychopath. i was absolutely terrified of him. twenty years ago the system and society had the notion that women who were abused somehow liked it!!!!
things have changed thank goodness. you can do this and you need to. you have support and you are working with the system. trust your instincts they are right- his family will be on his side always- you are not the first victim more than likely and probably not the last but if you really want to help the overall situation- meaning both of you- cut all contact and stick to it. i know it is hard to "be mean" etc. i have been there and while we are outraged and angry that they have hurt us at the same time we have deep feelings for them. it is rather confusing and makes it sooo much harder to do the right thing. compassion isn't always kind but your boyfriend needs consequences and you need him to face them so that real healing can take place here. you have great support and you can do this- people will help you every step of the way if let them in to your heart and it looks like you have. i have helped many women leave their abusive partners- one of my oldest and best friends is someone i met at a waitressing job and helped her get away from her husband after my second day of work when i saw the bruises! talk about female bonding! anyway we were just talking on the phone. she lives in a beautiful house with the sweetest guy who just loves her to pieces and neither one of us can believe that we ever lived in such hell and if you would have asked me at the time i would have told you i never could have gotten away. "women who love too much" is a book you should read. also is there therapy or a group or something you can get into to help you process and sort through all of this? okay i will stop rambling... i just really want you to know that you can do this and that you can and will be happy. i am and no one has ever raised a hand to me for twenty years! i concentrate on the lovey dovey types now! it's much better. it's all about flowers and chocolate!yum yum ((((Patty))))
love-alice
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Richmond,Virginia
Posts: 98
ALICE, I'M TRYING REALLY HARD. IT'S JUST GETTING ME VERY NERVOUS BECAUSE THE BAIL HEARING IS ON MONDAY AND HE PROBABLY WILL BE GETTING OUT SOON. I JUST HAVE BEEN WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO. REALLY I THINK I JUST HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS TO THINK!!!! JUST SITTING AROUND WAITING. THANKS FOR POSTING. LOVE PATTY 
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
(((Patty))) Just a thought... Maybe Sue should change the locks on the doors. Your ex may have access to the keys if his father has them. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!!
On a lighter note... I think steel toed boots would look very nice on you!! Go for the nuts girl!! (eyes and throat too!!)
Stay safe!!
Missy
On a lighter note... I think steel toed boots would look very nice on you!! Go for the nuts girl!! (eyes and throat too!!)
Stay safe!!
Missy
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Richmond,Virginia
Posts: 98
little missy, you should see the new avatar that i made, it's one of me with steel toed boots and my emergency cell phone, it's really cool but i can't get it on here! i'll keep trying though, you inspired it. love patty 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 353
Patty I know where you are at completely. it is a horrible place to be and i am sure your mind is going crazy right now with every kind of scenario playing out. are you in contact at all with any domestic abuse hotlines, safe houses, etc.? if you are not... google battered women richmond va... and a bunch of stuff will pop up. they will help you. they are pros at this stuff and know the ins and outs of these types of situations. you are right to be careful and you need support and plans and ideas to help yourself. let them help you. they helped me and putting them in between you and your boyfriend will start the healing process for both of you- abusers only have extra power when know one knows what is going on. make things even more "official" by hooking up with an organization. the more help you get yourself the better. do you have a restraining order? if you don't get one and DO NOT go anywhere alone- DO NOT meet him to talk-- i fell for that one and ended up in the hospital. i cannot stress these two points enough to you!
like i said you really need to cut all contact completely this means not even answering the phone to tell him to buzz off and leave you alone as any attention to an abuser keeps them going even negative attention. you know that he is going to really try to win you back and he will be very charming etc to do it. he will really mean all of the nice things he says too! unfortunately he will not be able to stick to it- i am sure experience with him has taught you this. try not to forget how bad he hurt you even though it may make you feel kind of bad and down. it is easy to forget sometimes as there is a part of every battered woman that truly loves their abuser- of course you do the very things in the beginning that attracted you are still part of him. so don't feel bad because you have feelings for him but please! please! try to remember that the realtionship is very unhealthy and you should not be hurt anymore. it can all be so confusing but just stick to the determination you have made to be free and try to get all the help you can as you really can't have too much help in this situation!!!! if you have family elsewhere you may want to stay with them. it would cut the risk and then you could do some therapy to start processing some of what you have been through. i am sending you light and love- alice
like i said you really need to cut all contact completely this means not even answering the phone to tell him to buzz off and leave you alone as any attention to an abuser keeps them going even negative attention. you know that he is going to really try to win you back and he will be very charming etc to do it. he will really mean all of the nice things he says too! unfortunately he will not be able to stick to it- i am sure experience with him has taught you this. try not to forget how bad he hurt you even though it may make you feel kind of bad and down. it is easy to forget sometimes as there is a part of every battered woman that truly loves their abuser- of course you do the very things in the beginning that attracted you are still part of him. so don't feel bad because you have feelings for him but please! please! try to remember that the realtionship is very unhealthy and you should not be hurt anymore. it can all be so confusing but just stick to the determination you have made to be free and try to get all the help you can as you really can't have too much help in this situation!!!! if you have family elsewhere you may want to stay with them. it would cut the risk and then you could do some therapy to start processing some of what you have been through. i am sending you light and love- alice
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