kinzoku

Alcohol didn't make me a liar.

Alcohol didn't make me hate myself.

Alcohol didn't make me an addict.

I was those things. I don't really give a damn about psychology or genetics or what amount they played a part in shaping me. Nature, nurture, whatever.

I am me.

And for a long time I've hated myself.

Today I had to be honest with a person, and with myself, and do something that hurt me a lot but was the right thing to do.

It sucked. And all of me screamed not to do it.

I sat on the floor for a while and cried like I was in a sappy movie.

I wanted to go back and undo what I did.

I wanted, even briefly, to escape into a bottle.

A part of me has always wanted to be a good person.

Another part of me has always just wanted to WIN. To get all the glory and none of the work.

A part of me really likes to cheat.

A part of me really doesn't give a **** about the rules. Or who gets hurt when I break them.

*breathes deeply*

But there is that first part, the part that knows being a man is about being someone who can love himself. Who can be strong. Who can stand up and display not a distorted, not a masked version, of himself. Who can wear his flaws openly, as well as his merits.

It's hard but I want to nurture that part of me.

So today was tough. It's hard to feel like it was the right decision. Because it hurt me, and it hurt someone else. But the alternative was deception, and self loathing, and a future that only got worse.

So honesty, then. Not a liar today.

Soberwolf

You done good Kinzoku

IvanMike

Right on.

Drugs were my solution, not my problem. Then they became quite the problem. The voice I always had in my head that hated me had plenty of ammunition from my behavior surrounding using.

Following a different way I have discovered that the steps, ethical principles, and the guidance and direction of some people I respect are the solution.

I'm not 100% comfortable with myself, but I don't hate myself like I used to.

ru12

Kinz, I can say with certainty that drinking affected my behavior. I thought differently drunk than I do sober. That isn't an excuse, it is just fact. So yea, I own all the consequences from my drinking. But that drunken slob isn't me now as I'm a sober man doing my best to live ethically.

Dee74

I agree with Ru.

I don't abrogate my responsibility for the things I did when I was actively drinking - but I'm not the same Dee I was then.

I've worked hard to get as close as I can to how I want to be.

It can be painful, especially in the beginning but there's no reason why you or anyone else reading can't do that too Kin

D

IvanMike

i agree with both takes.

my issues were already there

but using took them to a level i never dreamed of

recovery has tempered them to a degree i never dreamed of

kinzoku

Thanks for your thoughts and support