Lost and confused
 

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 6 years. We have had many ups and downs and fights and blow outs. I have made the mistake of arguing back with him and he always seems to blame me for everything. He has been able to keep a very good government job and he also collects a police pension although he is only in his mid 50s. Well a year ago he announced that he was quitting the government and going to travel and live on his pension. He was not too concerned with the fact that we lived together and I had to go back home and live with my mother until I could get back on my feet. Well it wasn’t more that a couple weeks of his travels that he found himself not happy (if wasn’t the sandy beached he thought it was. He kept contacting me and offered a warm weather compromise. Well I finally caved in and agreed. Last summer I moved from the east coast to Boise and he promised he loved me and would never do that again. In Feb. he announced he was going to rehab (in Malibu). He left came back a month later, seeming all positive and had hit checklist of tools. get psychologist, go to meeting, exercise. For three days he was great with that. Then he started with a glass of wine (of course his excuse, we were having a steak, don’t they go together) :(. He was still going to gym with he signed us both up for and was slowly getting back to old habits. He meet with his new psychologist and after the first couple meeting and explaining to her his sexual abuse as a young boy he came home seeming agitated. His agitation grew over the next couple day. He picked a fight with me last Friday after drinking. Was screaming crazy stuff, he was mad at me for snooping on him. He was in the driveway pacing that he didn’t feel same. Said he was going to rehab. I asked him if could talk and he said yes the next day when he wasn’t drinking. The next day I had an appointment with my counselor. He left with his suitcase while I was gone. I texted him and he put all the blame on me. Said I hadn’t been supportive since he went to rehab. Said I treated him like a loser. He cashed in the last 25,000 of his 401k and went to Vegas for a few days and now I believe his in Cabo. He said he is not getting what he needs from me and that he will continue to pay the rent. Said he will be back May 1st. Our lease is up on June 30th. I am devastated. I am 2700 miles from my family. I do have a job here but not sure if I can afford to live on my own. I would go back east but I don’t have a job there. I know I need to let go of this man but I am so sad and lost. I trusted him. He promised he wouldn’t do this to me again..:( I feel like his psychologist hit some nerve.

Welcome 7Piccolo

He likely needs longer term therapy before he's able to have a respectfull and mutual relationship. In addition to his addiction he likely has an undiagnosed mental health issue or two.

Welcome.

As a recovering alcoholic I can have some sympathy for his disease but not for the way he is treating you 7piccolo

You seem like a competant and capable person so I would do what is best for yourself and if that means relocating back east then do so - obviously if you could find employment there beforehand that would be for the better

I appreciate your husband may have childhood issues but that is no reason for him to ruin your life

Incidentally there is a "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section in SR so it might be worthwhile to repeat your post there

Good luck to you

That's sounds pretty rough. I would do everything in your power to take care of yourself and put the focus on your life going forward. The way you describe it, he is all over the place. Even after his stint in rehab.

Welcome 7piccolo. For some people; me included; this is hard to do, but you've got to put yourself first. As an alcoholic, I was always blaming someone or something else for all of my problems for the 20+ years I drank... it was never my fault, the debt, fights with my wife, my irrational behavior, my drinking, none of it was ever my fault; or so the alcohol told me.

Bottom line is only your partner can get himself better. It doesn't sound like he is giving you much room to support him. You can only control you.

Sorry you are dealing with this. Stay strong and come up with your own plan.

Are you going to continue walking backwards or start to walk forward? The choice is yours and it's never easy choosing the door of uncertainty. If your unhappy with something change it. Best of luck to you.

He doesn't sound very stable. :( I would put the focus on you, and what is best for you. If it's moving back home, try to do that. I wouldn't depend on him for anything. :hug: