peanut44

About a week ago, I caved in and took a pain pill from a friend. A relapse. I had been spinning for 2 months prior with every single relapse indicator there, just not the drug. I thought a pill would give me a "break". Oh it gave me a break..... for an hour and then back to the awful confused nightmare from before.

I'm now in a counseling place called Adapt and with a cognitive behavior therapist as well. We'll see if these two can figure my butt out.

We opened up a can of worms when i first started this counseling that i have not been dealing with well since, hence needing the "break". I've been totally overwhelmed and can't seem to find any relief.

I've been reluctant to post this as i don't want to be judged. But here it is. Things aren't always so good with me.

Coldfusion

Oh, Peanut, we don't judge you because we've been there.

I am glad that you are getting counseling, and it's good to see you back posting.

leviathan

That stinks. Sounds like you're right back in the saddle, though!

IMO- You were probably right in that you needed a break. We all get tired. A "break" does not have to mean using though. It took me some research, but my new methods of disconnecting, self rewarding and rejuvinating are superior to medicating.

Make it a mission to find the relaxing things that work for you. Next time you'll be ready.

Dee74

I'm sorry you felt like you'd be judged. Don't listen to your addiction - it lies....about all kinds of stuff


I'm glad you're taking steps to make sure it doesn't happen again Peanut

D

MythOfSisyphus

No judgement from me, Peanut! It sounds like you're moving in the right direction.

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Peanut

Nowsthetime

Peanut:

We are here to support you and give you feedback. Please don't be afraid to post. What people here say comes from a place of love, not judgement.

Tweak you plan and keep moving forward!

And please never be afraid to post. That's your AV...

doggonecarl

The escape we seek from drugs, the "Break" as you call it, is just illusion. False. I always recognize that after the relapse. That's called hindsight. Recognizing it before the relapse is called recovery.

Stay close to SR as you process what happened and how you are going to move forward.

Anna

Peanut, things are not always good for any of us. I'm glad you came here and posted. Be kind to yourself. Learn from what happened and move on.

SoberLeigh

No judgment here, dear Peanut; I am glad that you are working on some underlying issues.

Sending you support; lean on us.

least

I'm glad you're getting the help you need.

bandicoot2

Thank you for posting Peanut. Staying silent never helped any of us.
Sending you a big hug and lots of support!

peanut44

It just sucks. I've been in this place for awhile now. It's a little better but off and on I'm still pretty uncomfortable.
I've talked to my counselor and was so spun out with the circular thinking that she made the call to Adapt while she got her husband to try and talk me down from the state i was in.

And of course no one can get me in right away. I been seeing triggers everywhere, you name it. So I've been reading and calling people, trying to stay busy. I won't go to public meetings because I've been down that road before and twice, in public, was recognized and spoken to. Anonymity compromised both times at my work. Can't have that.

Still pretty spun but a little better today. I think some of the past crap that I'm doing with my counselor is bringing up stuff and is the cause of me wanting to self medicate so badly.

My counselor asked me, what can you do that would make you happy and i started to cry because i couldn't think of anything. I saw someone's post on here wondering about where people go. It got me thinking and i figured i needed to reach out.

Dee74

It probably going to take time Peanut - this last year or so has been pretty stressful for you.

At least now you can be sure where the solution isn't

D

peanut44

I know Dee. I'm just so uncomfortable. In my head. I can't get in to Adapt for my first assessment until 3/22. It even got so bad i kind of hinted around to a few people at work about pills. Thankfully they didn't have any.

I've had some major female issues going on that are causing quite a bit of pain but because of my history, no dr will give me anything.

Purplrks3647

Hi Peanut! Thanks for sharing - I'm still new here....just thought I'd send a hug your way! Hope you feel better and stick close to SR...I plan to do so as well!

peanut44

Thank you for your insight. I feel so out of control. I think we may have opened a Pandoras Box in my head when we started counseling a little while back. Seems there was some abuse that i did not take seriously enough.

It's been on my mind alot trying to process and i haven't got enough tools or time under my belt to get thru it very well.

Inchworm

It's taken me a while to realize that when I have pain (any kind, emotional or physical or spiritual), it will pass eventually. All I have to do is honor it.

peanut44

How do you "honor" it? Sounds interesting.

Notimetoloose

No judgements here only understanding.
I still haven't found my break!!..at almost 2 and a half year sober and, for the most part, I feel great, you know life is life, full of ups and downs but overall so much better.
Then there are weeks where I feel totally stark raving sober and overwhelmed with no mental time out.
I am working on it and learning. I accept that it going to take time..thank you for your post.