ItsJustMe89

I thought I was doing well. I picked up my white chip on Monday and got threw night one. I slept well, off and on, but when I did wake up I felt sweaty. But at least I slept. Got threw night 2... couldn't fall asleep till very late, or early in the morning, however you look at it. Didn't get enough sleep but made it threw the day. I left work today, on day 3, went to a meeting, and right after the meeting I got some fast food dinner and stopped at ABC Liquor for Captain Morgan.

I felt like maybe this try at sobriety was going to be different. For some reason I felt like it was. I picked up my white chip at a ladies meeting that I had gone to last year when I was trying to get sober. I even went to a meeting on Tuesday night that i was sure I would see someone I knew. And I did. I saw 4 people I knew. That was a big deal for me to choose to go into a meeting that someone would recognize me. Because it tells the AA community that I am coming back... or at least trying to. And it also starts the gossip in motion threw the AA grapevine... pretty soon it will get around that people have spotted me here and there. So I must have felt good about this attempt at sobriety to have gone to that meeting. I was feeling hopeful until right before the meeting tonight. Tonight I went to a meeting that I knew I would not see anyone I knew. Before I even got out of my car to go into the meeting, I wasn't feeling so sure about what I wanted to do tonight and the thoughts I was having. I guess you call it feeling "squirrely".

I sat threw the speaker meeting and listened. The speaker was great. He was very entertaining and had a good message. But I guess I didn't identify with him as much as I would like to be able to. I think he was a great speaker for the men in that halfway house to identify with but as a women who has never actually been to jail, never done anything violent, never stolen anything more then a pinch of weed here or there and got a misdemeanor for trying to shoplift some thongs from jc penny... I just didn't identify with the speaker much. That probably has nothing to do with what I ended up doing after the meeting.

I left the meeting, picked up some dinner and Captain Morgan, came home and have had one mixed drink so far. On night 3. I just cant seem to make it past night 3. I have caved in on night 3 so many times. What is it about the 3rd night? Maybe I can do without for so long, and it is not even that hard, but then I just cant resist the calming relaxation on the 3rd night... Maybe I knew that I didn't have to work tomorrow. I mean I do have a 9am dentist appointment tomorrow. I hope I make it to that. But even if I don't, they will just charge me a fee for not showing up and I will have to reschedule. Its not as big of a deal as not showing up for work. Or being late to work.

I do not know why I do this to myself. Maybe I feel like I have more drinking to do before I surrender. Or maybe I know that when I get sober again, I will be scared to death to relapse. Because I have been on this relapse for 10 months now and counting. Once I really get a foot hold in recovery again, if I relapse, who knows how long I will keep drinking before I get sober again. So maybe I just want to get as much as I can out of this relapse and dig my hole deep enough that I never do it again. I don't know. I think I am an idiot.

zackman

I can't count how many times I had that same thought over drinking, "I'm an idiot." Now that I have a little bit of sober time guess what? I still say it every once in a while. Try not to get too down on yourself. I want you to be sober and happy again just like everyone else on here wants you to. I hope you go to the dentist tomorrow. Just think, it's your off day. If you make your appointment, get to a meeting and be just a little bit productive just think how great you'll feel going back to work on Friday. If you drink tomorrow think about how down you'll feel on the drive to work Friday morning. You can make day 1 tomorrow and worry about days 2 & 3 later.

Thumpalumpacus

Stop saying "I can't", that would be my two cents' worth.

Coldfusion

Dump the Captain Morgan!

ScottFromWI

Have you ever considered rehab? Perhaps the title of your thread holds the answer...and maybe you need to be in a more controlled setting until you get past day 3...at least for the first time?

ItsJustMe89

That would be very insightful except I had this problem last time I tried to get sober also. I would try and fail over and over until finally I stayed sober for 87 days... and then relapsed. I know that I CAN get past day 3. I have done it before, I can do it again. I just need to find enough support and motivation to get me past the first 2 weeks or so. And then it gets easier. Still cravings and loneliness, but stuff I can deal with and somehow get threw.

Maybe this is part of me being an idiot, but I don't believe I need detox or inpatient treatment. I just need to make up my mind, and find the supports that will be necessary. And learn how to commit to something for once in my god damn life.

I guess if I was going to go threw serious medical detox symptoms, then I would consider going to detox or rehab. But I know I can stop drinking without endangering my physical health. Sure, it might not be pleasant, but I will not need medical help. Just determination and motivation and will power.

sugarbear1

Get another white chip and ask for phone numbers, then call those people to see how they are so before you buy another bottle, you make the call first...find a sponsor and work those steps for relief and freedom.....just a suggestion!

Fly N Buy

Before I could hit post -

Have you considered getting some phone numbers and a sponsor to do step work??? Maybe set up after meeting coffee/dinner on your next 3rd day............

Keep coming back!

SweatyHands

Is there someone who can stay with you for a few days? I know that the only reason that I'm sober tonight is that my sister flew out to stay with me for a week when I decided that my last relapse was my last relapse. Having someone to offer direct support during the times that I felt like I couldn't keep going with my detox was what got me over the hump. I have tried to do it alone numerous times and failed every time. Just something to consider.

Dee74

Hi IJM

maybe you need a better, more detailed plan for day 3 and beyond?

what's your recovery plan look like, beyond trying not to drink?

D

ICanDoBetter

So today becomes your new day one ... And you develop a plan for each day as it comes. I too struggled to make it past those first few days. And it's hard ... But feels so amazing when you wake on that next day and you've done it. And I believe that you can! ((Hugs))

doggonecarl

If you treat your drinking as inevitable, you will inevitably drink. Relapse doesn't have to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Like Thump said, "Stop saying I can't"

MikeM

What happens on day 3 that makes you drink?

Soberwolf

Support is important things like meetings or online meetings are a tool as is reaching out first before drinking !

saying you can't get past day 3 when you you already have before I don't get ? you got to erase that thought its not going to help you those thoughts are gremlins

A plan of action will always produce good results reading up on your recovery is also a great suggested idea

As is participating on SR regularly helping newcomers & everyone its a team effort and the results here are awesome seeing sobriety come together for someone is one of the best things I see on this earth

In short have a plan of things that will keep you busy accountable & sober & you will get past day 3 you know why ? because youl want to

LostLilly

I would get a sponsor. Also look for the things you can relate to in speakers, not what you can't. A year ago I was only making it a few days but never had any problems with the law or anything else really. I just new I was drinking too much. Fast forward a year and that isn't the case. This disease is progressive and progresses at different rates in different people. It will only get worse, never better. Get back up and keep trying! I had many slips, including times early in AA. Have a good day!!

Lilly

least

For me, the primary thing was I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Sounds like you still want to drink.

Thumpalumpacus

In baseball, a hitter is taught that if he wants to hit a home run he must follow through on the swing. It's not enough to stand in the batter's box, it's not even enough to take a half-assed swing. If you want to knock it out of the park, you've got to put your all into it.

Sobriety is no different.

ccam1973

Itsjustme, you've got to want this deep down in your core. There is no grey area in this decision. Every time I left even a little room for my AV to chime in, I would drink.

If you want to change your life, you have the power to make it happen. Choose to do this for you and no one else. There is nothing different from day two to day three except one more day sober. Each day is met with a new commitment to stay sober.

SR, AA or any recovery support will only work if you are 100% committed. You absolutely can break this cycle.

You deserve to get yourself better.