lein

Day 18

Daughter day hurrah

lynnmarie123

lein

So do you! We all rock!! There should be a smilie saying "We all Rock" haha

I really wish I could tell my daughter that I have made it this long without wanting a drink. But I suppose that the price of being a secret sneaky drinker.
When she rang, I wouldn't answer the phone if Id been drinking, actually, I usually didnt hear the phone, or had mislaid it.
I used to put it in hard to reach places as well, before I started drinking, so it wasn't to hand to made stupid garbled calls to people.
She used to ask when I wasn't drinking "Have you drank?"
I always said no
Partly is was to cover my own arse, but partly so she wouldn't worry.

There is no chance I will drink when she is up. Even if I wanted to, which I don't
She used to say to me "I can't even stand the sound of your voice when you've had a couple". Even when other people couldn't even tell I'd had a drink.

And she thinks I have a really low tolerance for alcohol, if she saw Id been drinking she'd say "How many have you had?"
I'd say "none" then when she'd snort at that I'd say "3" Usually I'd have had about 9 by the time she could tell for defanite.
It usually took about 15 over a few hours before anyone else could tell and I started staggering and slurring.

That is past, now, it's great not to have to sneakily hide things and lie anymore

lein

Self Control

Self-control is what you build up, develop, create and learn by controlling your behavior and thoughts repeatedly. We should regard self-control as a skill. It is not a character trait that lets you control your behavior. Not just self control in not drinking. But self control in which emotions you choose to indulge in.
Practice, Practice,Practice

lein

Thoughts to Help Increase Self-Acceptance

1. I'm not a bad person when I act badly; I am a person who has acted badly.
2. I'm not a good person when I act well and accomplish things; I am a person who has acted well and accomplished things.
3. I can accept myself whether I win, lose, or draw.
4. I would better not define myself entirely by my behavior, by others' opinions, or by anything else under the sun.
5. I can be myself without trying to prove myself.
6. I am not a fool for acting foolishly. If I were a fool, I could never learn from my mistakes.
7. I am not an ass for acting asininely.
8. I have many faults and can work on correcting them without blaming, condemning, or damning myself for having them.
9. Correction, yes! Condemnation, no!
10. I can neither prove myself to be a good nor a bad person. The wisest thing I can do is simply to accept myself.
11. I am not a worm for acting wormily.
12. I cannot "prove" human worth or worthlessness; it's better that I not try to do the impossible.
13. Accepting myself as being human is better than trying to prove myself superhuman or rating myself as subhuman.
14. I can itemize my weaknesses, disadvantages, and failures without judging or defining myself
by them.
15. Seeking self-esteem or self-worth leads to self-judgments and eventually to self-blame. Self- acceptance avoids these self-ratings.
16. I am not stupid for acting stupidly. Rather, I am a non-stupid person who sometimes produces stupid behavior.
17. I can reprimand my behavior without reprimanding myself.
18. I can praise my behavior without praising myself.
19. Get after your behavior! Don't get after yourself.
20. I can acknowledge my mistakes and hold myself accountable for making them -but without berating myself for creating them.
21. It's silly to favorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve.
22. It's equally silly to unfavorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve.
23. I am not an ignoramus for acting ignorantly.
24. When I foolishly put myself down, I don't have to put myself down for putting myself down.
25. I do not have to let my acceptance of myself be at the mercy of my circumstances.
26. I am not the plaything of others' reviews, and can accept myself apart from others'
evaluations of me.
27. I may at times need to depend on others to do practical things for me, but I don't have to emotionally depend on anyone in order to accept myself. Practical dependence is a fact! Emotional dependence is a fiction!
28. I am beholden to nothing or no one in order to accept myself.
29. It may be better to succeed, but success does not make me a better person.
30. It may be worse to fail, but failure does not make me a worse person.

lein

I use a lot of the Smart tools, not just to help with the abstinance from drink. But to make myself a calmer and happier person in my own head when Ive stopped drinking.
What's the point of stopping drinking, if you cannot live inside your own head comfortably?
You don't have to be like a ship in a storm, thrown about by your own emotions and the thoughts they induce.
Thoughts can create emotion and control emotion

I have edited this post because venuscat reminded me of an important bit I missed..thanks venus

venuscat

Do you know the book: 'You Can Be Happy No Matter What' by Richard Carlson?

He teaches us that we cannot have an emotion without first having a thought....
So if we catch the thoughts, we are most definitely in charge.

lein

Ill have a look into that venus thanks.

It doesn't matter what the situation is, it's how you react to it that matters..thank you for reminding me of the full senario there..and Ill deffo look into that book

lein

Thats what I tried to do the other day, when my dole wasn't in, the cash machine ate my card, and I took the wrong bus ticket.
I tried not to think raging thoughts, irrational thoughts like "The whole world is a bunch of idiots"
But rather more rational thoughts like "Someone made a mistake, but also someone put it right. And as for the card being eaten..sometimes these things happen.
This stopped me from working myself up into a frenzy of rage, in thinking "everything and everyone" was against me..
And insted of having to suffer the uncomfortable feeling of impotent anger...I could see the ridiculousness of that day

venuscat

I love that book lein...it taught me so much...I need to read it again.

One thing I will add though....I could never have revisited all of the books I love, and the road I wanted to be on if I wasn't sober now.

Richard Carlson and his brilliant peers were there for me and us all along....I was just too numbed out (and feeling sorry for myself) to reap the benefits.

venuscat

Exactly!!!!

lein

You are right venus..nothing can be done about anything if your mind is befuddled with drink.
When I first cam across this concept of outside events do not cause you to feel x,y,z it's how you think and react to them, I thought this was insane. haha
The trouble was even though I had practiced this for years. The whole situation with SS, and little chicken, I couldn't talk myself down from.
I let the emotions run away with me entirely, colouring my thoughts. The trouble was, I didn't think the thoughts I was having at the time about SS and the whole situation were irrational. Still don't.And that ended up with me being in an awful mess.

venuscat

I get it. I have been/was on this path for far too long without taking the right branch. Like you, I had all of the tools but did not use them. I think it's a miracle I got it at all....

lein

What I should have concentrated on, was not what shitheads those people were acting as, and how brutal and unfair the system is.
I should have thought, how is ruminating on these thoughts and drinking over the horrible feelings and worry going to help...see that now.

lein

Well venuscat..thank God for miracles eh? haha

venuscat

I actually think that your thought process was awesome....stuff happens, it's not intentional, it was just a bad day....these are healthy thoughts that don't lead to irrational anger. They let us process and do what we need to to safely move forward.

lein

True.
I have something here I have thought about since and how I could have caught myself.

I remember one incident. When little chicken was in care, his mother was allowed supervised "contact" once a week, at a public softplay. One hour. Bear in mind, this woman had done nothing wrong, except marry the wrong man and his demented family (her ex)
She then fell into a really bad depression and couldn't cope with 4 small kids very well (my son worked 16 hours a day)
No criminal proccedings were brought, nothing, everything in a closed court.

She used to go to these "contacts" shaking with emotion, and putting on a brave face for the 4 kids.
There was a little toady "contact worker" no qualifications in anything..a glorified driver..and SS lackey there who had a little note book, writing, writing, writing and scrutinizing every move.
It was a couple of weeks before the final judgement was due in about the kids and whether they would be taken from her and put up for forced adoption.

Taking photos of the kids wasn't allowed.

So I was surprised when this little slimy toad produced a camera..and started taking photos of the kids. We asked what he was doing and he said ..callous as the bar steward was.."They are for the adoption files"
IN FRONT OF THEIR MOTHER!!
The verdict wasn't even in!!
She held herself together for the sake of the kids..but afterwards outside, she was just distraught, destroyed.

I of course when I went home was STEAMING about this..the cruel cruel ****
I was raging, hot impotent rage.
There was nothing we could do against these people, we couln't even complain..because you had to wait for a YEAR after the court case was over before they would move your complaint to an independent body.
No way could I rationalize my thoughts
I drank solidly for 5 days, a bottle of vodka a day because I could not get my head around this.

Looking back, there was one big simple rationlization staring me in the face

"How is drinking going to help this?"
I drank because I couldn't live in my head with the sorrow and the rage.
And then, when I stopped drinking, my head was 100 times worse

lein

I don't/can't accept everything that REBT teaches. I try to practice USA..unconditional self acceptace. Not judge myself harshly, I'm human, I behave badly sometimes. I don't base my self worth on what other people think about me. Im not good and Im not bad, Im not my behaviour..I just "am"

But I have massive trouble with the UOA..unconditional others acceptance.
I can accept other people just "are" not good not bad, not judge their "essence" on their behaviour
But I cannot unconditionally accept other people who go out of their way to behave cruelly to other people.
Peoples whos INTENTIONS are to inflict pain and suffering.
I can't get around this, so I have to just accept, there are some things, beyond my capabilities of doing

lein

Little chicken has gone home, my head is battered.
His dad came around to amuse him this morning but the shrill "gwandma" whenever he wanted something has seered my brain haha

Just waiting to pounce on daughter the minute she walks through the door.
Sons say
"Oh thats nice, youre never this excited to see us" haha
Probably because I see them every bloody day haha

lein

|
The Albert Ellis 12 typical irrational beliefs and disputing statements

(review and think about these…)
1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do… … instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned… … instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People’s poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be… … instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we had better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events… … instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it… … instead of the idea that one had better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous, and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities… … instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than ourself on which to rely… … instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects… … instead of the idea that we would prefer to do well rather than always need to do well, and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it… … instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things… … instead of the idea that the world is full of improbability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction… … instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things… … instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions – if we choose to work at changing the “musturbatory” hypotheses which we often employ to create them.