Meraviglioso

I want to drink so bad right now but am too totally lazy to go to the bar. I suppose I could down the vanilla or mouthwash but I haven't reached that point..... YET. How pathetic am I that I cannot even handle being an alcoholic. What alcoholic is too lazy to go to the bar. I've already put on my pyjamas, I don't have the energy to dress to wipe my face and I still have a shred of decency in that I wouldn't go out like this. Pathetic. Totally pathetic. I fail at everything, even being an alcoholic. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.

Forte

Mera, I know everything seems so bad right now but you have to just be really strong. Be strong. You need to stay in the right mindset of getting help asap. I've read some of your posts while you have been drinking and like me you get very negative and full of self loathing quickly.

You need to stand up and fight right now. By just continuing to drink and wait for someone in your life to come and save you is going to make this so much worse. There's a point where you just have to find that inner strength and stop the madness.

Do really want to fall or do you want to start your life free of this ******** today?

I know it's inside you. You seem like such
strong woman. I'm praying for you Mera

fantail

Meraviglioso, could you call your children's father? There has to be a way for you to get help sooner than Friday. He sounds like a well connected person who could help figure something out.

Soberwolf

Beating the crap out of yourself isn't helping... this isn't you Mera can you please try some deep breathing exercises to help calm all this anxiety

Fact is Mera people round here care about you myself Inc

I'm worried about you as a friend and I know you don't want things to be like this please try Mera anything to help calm your mind a hot bath maybe phoning a trusted friend even ringing the hospital if things get too much

No one is judging you everyone is worried remember were your friends Mera

Meraviglioso

I suppose I could but I am trying to hold onto the fact that he still considers me a good mother despite it all. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I have the gym an a lesson and in the afternoon an important doctor's appointment. I MUST be sober for that as it is a sensitive procedure which they don't do regularly in Italy. Part of the approval is being of sound mind. I think I can make it to tomorrow afternoon. If my children's father will give me the kids tomorrow then I'll stay sober all day. Thursday I have a lesson at 14:00. I'll go to the gym in the morning. For the hours in between I'll try to take a walk. Friday I'll do the gym and then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stay sober to make it to my appointment. My sticky moments will be tomorrow mid-day, tomorrow evening and mid-day Thursday. I'm here, I will do my best to post through it and not drink. I'm boiling water now for a herbal tea. I hope it helps me sleep. All I want to do is drink alcohol. I'm sorry, but it is the truth. Fortunately I don't have any here and as I said, I'm too lazy to go out.

entropy1964

I don't know you well Mera so I hope you don't mind my posts.

In the US rehabs are private or govt funded. The private rehabs do not need a dr referral and most take insurance. If there are private Drs. In Italy, are there not private rehabs? Have you heard of San Patrignano? Maybe focus your energy on researching rehabs, make some calls. If you really want rehab you can probably do it without your psych. Just a suggestion.

Delizadee

Mera I was thinking you are walking a slippery slope right now but I'd say you are standing on a cliff edge, waiting and expecting to fall and damn the consequences. Your last few posts to me are throwing up huge red flags as to your state of mind. It sounds very much like your last downward spiral.

Scott is not being mean. He cares. He also has a duty as a leader of these forums to protect the safety of its members and that includes YOU. Sometimes we need to hear things straight up even if we're not ready to hear it.

You need to do whatever you can to put a halt to this now before it gets worse. There is NO justification in what you are doing. You CAN start right now this second to start making things better. You are NOT pathetic. You are NOT a failure. You are a human who is struggling and in pain. You can't recognize in yourself the contradiction in your words "I can't do this anymore/I can hang in there till Friday". NOW is the time to stop relying on your old fallbacks and trust there are people who genuinely care about your health and well being who cam see things a little clearer than you.

You are putting yourself directly in harms way by trying to white knuckle it til Friday.

You have already made intentions to drink.

You have been suicidal this past week.

PLEASE call your ex. Or your boyfriend or mom or a close friend.

Go to the hospital.

Your life depends on your wilingness to act now.

Please heed the warning signs we are seeing.

You deserve so much better than what you are doing to yourself. We love and care for you. Please do your part to get well hun. please. Please don't drink. We're all here for you.

Meraviglioso

I am here, I swear toy I am trying. Frickaflip, most of the rehabs here are Scientology based (no idea why). I am not interested in joining that religion/cult and do not want a part of that type of rehab. I am already scared to go, I'd prefer to go somewhere that my doctor, whose I trust, recommends.

Delizadee, you are right, I need to hear the harsh truth. Scott, if you are reading, I apologise. I just feel very sensitive right now. There is no doubt in my mind that I will make it until Friday. I have too much to live for. I give you all my word I won't hurt myself. I just want help. I cannot do this anymore.

Ariesagain

Sweetie, please don't get mad, but you sound like you are drinking right now. If so, there is no way you should have anesthesia tomorrow, especially if you've been drinking all day.

Where the hell is your boyfriend?

I don't know much about Italy and what services are available, but you need to get somewhere safe tonight. Call whoever you have to. This is serious.

Meraviglioso

No, I'm not mad. I drank today, but am not currently drinking. My last drink was around 4pm. Tomorrow is just the initial appointment to get approved for the surgery, I won't have any procedure tomorrow. My boyfriend could give a hit apparently. I've told him time and time again about my problem but he just seems to put his fingers in his ear and LALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAA

Meraviglioso

Off to bed. I'll check in tomorrow. Despite the thoughts of giving up the fight something inside me burns and I'll never stop the battle. Thank you everyone.

ScottFromWI

There are no apologies needed to anyone here Mera, but you do need to be honest with yourself. The facts are that your binges and drinking have been getting worse and worse and closer and closer together. You've vomited on yourself, passed out drunk and missed appointments, threatened suicide and that's all just in the past few weeks.

Every time something bad happens you pledge to get help but then you don't. You find an excuse as to why you cannot seek help and then a few days later you binge and the whole cycle starts over.

You are surrounded on all sides by support - you have numerous people right there that would be willing to drop whatever they are doing to help you - and they have, multiple times. You have unlimited support here as well and have ever since you came. In this very thread you asked us to "surround you with support" and you received and continue to receive that.

The only thing that is lacking in the whole picture painted above is you taking action to get better. And quite frankly, I don't know how many more chances you are going to get before you start losing it all. Your kids will eventually be taken away from you. You will hurt yourself or someone else around you.

So if you truly want to apologize...apologize to yourself for not doing what needs to be done. And pick up the phone to get someone there with you now that can either get you to rehab or stay with you until you can get there.

FormerWineGirl

Mera, I just wanted to add my support for you. It is apparent that you are a lovely person with many friends. I hear the pain in your posts and, like everyone here, want to see you recover and be the best that you can be. Alcohol robs us of that, but we can take It back. Take back your life, Mera. You can do It, We know you can!

Dee74

I'm sorry for your struggle Mera. We can support you and give you ideas until we turn blue...but I think what's needed now is action on your part.

I know it's terrifying - but I also know you're smart enough to realise not doing anything will result in things far scarier.

I understand too that this procedure is daunting in a number of ways, but as you say yourself it's for the best.

Based on this thread it looks drinking didn't help, it simply exacerbated things.

It's time to find other solutions

D

fini

Mera,

everything is actually in place: your mother, your mother-in-law, your ex. all aware, all agreed, all available.

you need to go to the gym because you skipped today? that's kinda like focusing on a hangnail while you're having a heart attack.

forget the appointment and waiting til friday.

go to the nearest emergency and just tell the truth.

get yourself out of more harm's way.

we're all rooting for you to follow up and get concrete help.

TNTStill

Do whatever you must to get the help you need.

You are supported here and don't feel bad, ashamed or any lesser for doing rehab, counseling, detox, whatever it is (if you are feeling those emotions)

The main thing is that you get better physically and in your mind and spirit.

No one here wants anyone to suffer. Just want the best and to know that you are doing okay.

I hope things went ok. I'm late posting but wanted to provide some uplift if possible.

melki

Hon, I agree that everything else needs to be set aside and put on hold for now - all other medical procedures, appointments, gyms, lessons, etc. You need to put this one first to literally save your life. You have secured the necessary support, now go through with getting the help you need. You can do it. We are all rooting for you.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, and like everyone else I am worried about you. I know the past few weeks have been very difficult for you, and drinking has definitely made things worse.

I'm sure going to rehab is scary, but at this point the alternative for you is much scarier. You said your psychiatrist gets back to you immediately, I think I if you sent him some of your recent posts he would get you right in.

You have the support of family and friends in place, you need to take the next step and get to rehab, either through the emergency room or your doctor. All other procedures and appointments can wait.

Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

❤️Delilah

Justin00

Movie therapy would always help to my alcoholic father. I watched a very inspiring movie last night and instantly thought about you. If you have a spare 2 hours please consider trying to watch it instead of getting a drink

Room (2015) - IMDb

Meraviglioso

I'm going to go to rehab, we just have to find the right place. I refuse to go to one of the Scientology ones. They are sneaky too, it doesn't say anything about Scientology on the numerous websites. The one someone else mentioned is for delinquent adoloscents as an alternative to prison, also not the right fit for me. My doctor is checking into the one in Florence.
I'd apologize to you all, thank you all but I know my words mean little at this point.