sobersolstice

Ok. So my absences from the sauce have been shortening due to what I may describe as 'apathy' in a sense. I pretty much lay in bed all day, and after taking a few days out, went to a restaurant that served food that I only really eat with beer. My folks are alcoholics, and eat only protein and vegetables with their carb source being alcohol. It's like eating wings with water, it didn't make sense. So here I am again after another mess up.

One of the problems I've been having is that I really don't have many friends, my family wants me to drink, and I've stopped caring about money, shelter, relationships etc. I just want to lay here and sleep as much as I can. This apathy is what makes it so difficult to not go to the store. I go into "whatever" mode, or otherwise as someone else described 'automatically go to the store'. One thing I do know is that I always feel great the day after day 1, then I get tired, irritable, and uncoordinated. I get into my head and things start spinning apart in my brain. I don't really have goals or ambitions anymore. I guess the one goal that will allow me to become more ambitious would be to quit. It's 2pm, and I still need to eat breakfast. maybe I'll go eat 3 big macs.

FLCamper

It sounds like you might benefit from the camaraderie of AA or some other program. Getting out and among others might break the pattern.
What has worked for you in the past to get through more than just a day?

Anna

It might be good to remember that alcohol is a depressant. It sounds like stopping drinking would benefit your mood. Have you talked to your dr about the possibility of depression?

teatreeoil007

I can empathize. Sounds maybe like what I felt when seriously depressed.

ScottFromWI

I'd also suggest working with a program or resource locally that can get you out of the house and in close contact with others who are working on recovery. As has already been mentioned, alcohol is a depressant so it's actually just making everything worse every time you drink. It's a viscious cycle...but not one that cannot be broken.

For example, you mention that you "decided" to go to a restaurant where you knew you were going to drink. You could have also decided to go to an AA meeting. Or come here on SR and talk. Or see a therapist.

Bottom line, you've got to take some action and responsibility for seeking help - it's not going to just "happen".

least

I hope you can find the support you need to get sober for good. It really is a better way to live.

SoberLife90

3 big macs to start off your day sounds like a terrible idea.

doggonecarl

Everything on your scale tips to why you drink...nothing on why you should quit. You are correct in identifying apathy as why you steer away from recovery, but you may have not correctly indentified the problem...hence your failure to find and work a solution.

sobersolstice

I usually get through a couple/few days, got through 18 days off of the new year, and my longest was when I first joined in 2012, which was 6 months, hence my screen name.

Back to your question. I just deem it poison and decide not to consume it. I usually relapse when I'm already depressed, and stop caring, or something bad happens. The holidays killed my first go, thinking to myself I could handle it socially, but I was wrong.

sobersolstice

I've dealt with bouts of depression before. It's definitely exacerbated by drinking, and I consciously know it. When I was younger, I didn't have these dismal after-effects, but things aren't getting better with age.

My outlook on life is much more positive when I'm sober. I do labor work in the construction field, so the people I work with aren't always the best influence, but I'm strangely defiant and choose to stay away from them after work, only to find myself making the same mistake at home.

Well, at least I got to the gym for a couple hours after mcdonalds. Almost threw up. Gross.

Delizadee

Like Anna said, you have to put in the work. Get yourself some support from sober people- it makes a huge difference.
It's like any other positive change in our lives we want to achieve; like getting in shape, getting a promotion, etc.. you have to put in the time and effort to start reaping the rewards.
The apathy is a hard one for me too. That's where AA and SR and my recovery plan really help me.

sobersolstice

Well, I poured out the alcohol I have in the house.

I can't really do the AA thing. I always seem to get into it with someone at those things. I open my mouth and literally go into Bill Burr in anger mode.

I have non-drinking friends, and one who has been sober for 20 years. He said he can't be a support figure. Another friend of 20 years is supportive, but a drinker, so lets me drink.

Probably will have to get back into fighting. Drinking is not suitable, nor tolerated at the academy. Watching a fighter start drinking is ugly.

I'm finding that the majority of people who have addiction problems do many activities that can mess you up with one slip; maybe wired that way.

It's 8:35pm, and haven't had a drink, so I'm looking forward to waking up without a hangover tomorrow.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you have quite a list of things you cannot or will not do to get sober. How about making a list of things you will try?

sobersolstice

I was super down and out most of the day and blurted it out. To be honest, I'd rather deal with withdrawals for the rest of my life than to feel how I felt this morning.

I've literally written a book about the negatives of drinking.

I don't need ethanol in my system. No one does. After an evening of heavy thinking (not drinking), I know what my main priority needs to be.

My head injuries make me moody, so I apologize if my writing comes across misconstrued.

fantail

Have you considered inpatient? I know that sounds extreme but it's what I did. I was where you're at and then some. Even sober I struggle a lot with that kind of existential listlessness. I was so hooked and so depressed this past summer that inpatient was the only way for me. I just had to have it not be an option until my head cleared because I didn't care whether I lived or died. I just knew intellectually that once I sobered up I would want to live again.

Soberwolf

So today is day 1 right ?

sobersolstice

I guess, sort of. I had a weekend bender in the city over the weekend and passed out early on Sunday. Didn't drink yesterday, and won't be drinking today. I don't like keeping track of the exact day. I prefer to associate alcohol with something that aliens gave to government officials to get hooked on and make them say "Dude... we need to control the people with this poison liquid to keep the regular people from taking over us bro". All the while, the aliens are back in their spaceships watching the whole thing go down. "Population control bro... We're going to start with the government". That's why the Presidency is a reality show, and the aliens are super confused as to why Kim Kardashian is so popular.

I'm just going to stop putting this stuff in my body. I don't want the government, let alone aliens to poison my blood. I guess it's day one for as long as I have a physical pull toward it. Once that's over, it won't exist as a consumable. Rotten up wood and grain liquid poison. Who in their right mind would teach us that drinking that stuff is good? Aliens.

doggonecarl

It won't be aliens making you drink if you relapse. Please bolster your recovery with tried and true relapse prevention techniques.

ScottFromWI

I'd also suggest an earthly/concrete solution to the problem. I personally feel that there is no known explanation for "why" we are alcoholics - so as long as you can accept that you ARE an alcoholic, that's all you need to get started.

sobersolstice

You never know. Maybe there's a benign set of aliens that sits on your other shoulder that knows jiu jitsu and can smoke the demon on the devil shoulder at submission techniques.

No one has tried putting alcohol into my mouth except for myself. Only I have the power to pick up the thing and do so. I'm just not going to do it. I've realized there's no benefit in doing so in any circumstance.