An old friend died yesterday..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
An old friend died yesterday..
though I hadn't seen him in many years. He was "one of my crew" back in high school and for some years after. That core group of friends who did everything together until adult life takes over (marriage, kids, etc).
Though he did marry and have kids, his ex-wife (who was/is a dear friend still), he still drank and drugged like we all did back "in the day" on the weekends, but he continued just as hardcore all through the years and everyday.
He was an alcoholic. He couldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. He lost his marriage and his home. Lots of trouble with the law over the last 30 years because of alcohol but still chose not to stop.
If anything, he was much worse off than me when it came to alcohol abuse, but somehow I saw it and finally realized things had to change....he didn't, why? His internal organs just shut down and he died. The signs were there and he ignored them....why?
I don't understand and I'm having a hard time....almost a guilty feeling. I know this shouldn't be about me and I've told no one of these thoughts.....but I don't understand. How do some manage to see that they need to stop and he didn't?
And some of the comments over the years about him, and some over the recent week he was in the hospital....it was almost as if some were a little casual about it. "Well, he did party hard"...."He was a screw up his entire life and only worried about partying"...etc. NOOOOOO, he wasn't a "partier" anymore, thats what I consider we were 30 years ago.
He was a strong and proud man, an honest man, and a good friend and person to all many years ago. But he was an alcoholic, he needed help.....maybe instead of all of us writing him off as a screw up all these years, we should've confronted him.
Once I got sober, I should've reached out and let him know that I know how it felt to be helpless, worthless and alone in the fog of alcohol and that it can/does get better when your sober. Let him know that as humiliating as it is to admit, once you do, its a 100lb weight off your shoulders. ....but I didn't.
I really wish I could've let him know he wasn't alone in his battle with alcohol. I wish alot of things but that ship has sailed now. My heart breaks for his children and though some aren't saying it, I will forgive the ones who just write his death off as "Oh well, he shouldn't have been drinking like that". They don't have a drinking problem and have no clue how warped your mind is when you're in the middle of it. For me, staying drunk was the only thing that made my warped mind forget what a mess I was....until I was sober, so I'd drink again to make the bad feelings go away. Rinse and repeat until finally you surrender. He obviously never made it to the last part.
Sorry for rambling. Hope you all are well. I just feel the need to connect with possibly some that would understand and trying (selfishly) to get rid of some of this odd guilt I have.
Though he did marry and have kids, his ex-wife (who was/is a dear friend still), he still drank and drugged like we all did back "in the day" on the weekends, but he continued just as hardcore all through the years and everyday.
He was an alcoholic. He couldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. He lost his marriage and his home. Lots of trouble with the law over the last 30 years because of alcohol but still chose not to stop.
If anything, he was much worse off than me when it came to alcohol abuse, but somehow I saw it and finally realized things had to change....he didn't, why? His internal organs just shut down and he died. The signs were there and he ignored them....why?
I don't understand and I'm having a hard time....almost a guilty feeling. I know this shouldn't be about me and I've told no one of these thoughts.....but I don't understand. How do some manage to see that they need to stop and he didn't?
And some of the comments over the years about him, and some over the recent week he was in the hospital....it was almost as if some were a little casual about it. "Well, he did party hard"...."He was a screw up his entire life and only worried about partying"...etc. NOOOOOO, he wasn't a "partier" anymore, thats what I consider we were 30 years ago.
He was a strong and proud man, an honest man, and a good friend and person to all many years ago. But he was an alcoholic, he needed help.....maybe instead of all of us writing him off as a screw up all these years, we should've confronted him.
Once I got sober, I should've reached out and let him know that I know how it felt to be helpless, worthless and alone in the fog of alcohol and that it can/does get better when your sober. Let him know that as humiliating as it is to admit, once you do, its a 100lb weight off your shoulders. ....but I didn't.
I really wish I could've let him know he wasn't alone in his battle with alcohol. I wish alot of things but that ship has sailed now. My heart breaks for his children and though some aren't saying it, I will forgive the ones who just write his death off as "Oh well, he shouldn't have been drinking like that". They don't have a drinking problem and have no clue how warped your mind is when you're in the middle of it. For me, staying drunk was the only thing that made my warped mind forget what a mess I was....until I was sober, so I'd drink again to make the bad feelings go away. Rinse and repeat until finally you surrender. He obviously never made it to the last part.
Sorry for rambling. Hope you all are well. I just feel the need to connect with possibly some that would understand and trying (selfishly) to get rid of some of this odd guilt I have.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 59
Sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up though I tried to talk to an old friend about his drinking this last Christmas. He was not receptive. (Let's be frank he was so mad at me I thought he was going to punch me out!)
Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.
Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,714
Sorry for your loss. I am sure you are having so many mixed emotions and thoughts about the passing of your friend. You are allowed to...you are human. It wouldn't hurt if you didn't care or didn't love. Make yourself stronger and wiser from this situation. Things happen....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Thanks for the replies. The "rational" me knows there was probably nothing I could have done to help or make him stop.
Just letting my imagination run away right now and have this awful, sinking feeling inside. Knowing that "bond" that all of us share in our thoughts when we're drinking....the loneliness, self hatred, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. I can only imagine his thoughts while laying in the hospital bed dying alone.
Having a hard time shaking it today but also....oddly, a weird comfort feeling that accompanies it, knowing that my decision on Aug 10th of last year was one of the best, if not the best decision of my life.
Just letting my imagination run away right now and have this awful, sinking feeling inside. Knowing that "bond" that all of us share in our thoughts when we're drinking....the loneliness, self hatred, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. I can only imagine his thoughts while laying in the hospital bed dying alone.
Having a hard time shaking it today but also....oddly, a weird comfort feeling that accompanies it, knowing that my decision on Aug 10th of last year was one of the best, if not the best decision of my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 189
Sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. Yes you will have the coulda woulda shoulda , but you can't change the past. Its rough, but live for today, use this as an example for you to remain sober. take care
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Sorry for your loss.
I had a heavy drinking buddy from my college days. In our 20's we lost touch with each other as we both moved to different states and got on with life. 25 years later my wife found him on Facebook and we made plans to get together when we were on vacation in his area.
We were surprised to discover that we were both in AA, and we ended up going to a couple of meetings together. That was an outcome I wouldn't have predicted 25 years earlier.
I had a heavy drinking buddy from my college days. In our 20's we lost touch with each other as we both moved to different states and got on with life. 25 years later my wife found him on Facebook and we made plans to get together when we were on vacation in his area.
We were surprised to discover that we were both in AA, and we ended up going to a couple of meetings together. That was an outcome I wouldn't have predicted 25 years earlier.
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Sorry about your loss, ITE. Sounds like you've got a touch of the "Survivor's Curse". That's a guilty feeling I get too when I hear of somebody from school days who has died due to health issues, etc. I often get the feeling that should have been me if things were fair in this world. I guess some guilt and self-loathing lives on after quitting, although it is diminishing over time!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I've known far too many people including close family, that have died from this and at first I also used to wonder "Why me"? Why was I spared?
I've never found an answer for that, but I have learned that pretty much all I can do is carry the message by being an example. To do that, I can't keep my alcoholism a big secret, although I don't make a point of broadcasting it to the world either. The people who really know me, know what I was like as a drunk/or know I was one and now see me when I'm sober. I'm fairly open about it.
I did go through a 6-year period of hell trying to "save" a boyfriend until if finally I realized there was nothing I could do and had to leave. He died a few years later. That's still tough to accept and although it still wasn't enough, I know I did everything I could.
I've never found an answer for that, but I have learned that pretty much all I can do is carry the message by being an example. To do that, I can't keep my alcoholism a big secret, although I don't make a point of broadcasting it to the world either. The people who really know me, know what I was like as a drunk/or know I was one and now see me when I'm sober. I'm fairly open about it.
I did go through a 6-year period of hell trying to "save" a boyfriend until if finally I realized there was nothing I could do and had to leave. He died a few years later. That's still tough to accept and although it still wasn't enough, I know I did everything I could.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
My condolences, ITE. It does seem like there's a bit of survivor's guilt here. I think you understand that there's nothing you could have done -- everyone here knows from an intensely personal perspective how the desire to quit must come from within.
Use this to fuel your actions going forward. If you're involved in AA, become a sponsor. If not, get involved in a local recovery home so that you can help those alcoholics who are at the worst end of it.
I'm nowhere near the Twelfth Step, but even a newcomer to recovery like me can see the wisdom of it -- to give something back and pay it forward, to find our better natures by practicing humility.
Use this to fuel your actions going forward. If you're involved in AA, become a sponsor. If not, get involved in a local recovery home so that you can help those alcoholics who are at the worst end of it.
I'm nowhere near the Twelfth Step, but even a newcomer to recovery like me can see the wisdom of it -- to give something back and pay it forward, to find our better natures by practicing humility.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
I am sorry for your loss, ITE. I too felt the agony of survivor’s guilt when my sister passed, and I was very much involved in trying to help. It is a common bond we alcoholics share, the knowledge of the depths of despair that this disease can drive the mind. There are no words that can make anyone understand the compulsion that drives this disease, unless they too have experienced it; I know because I have tried. Know that your friend is at peace now and is no longer suffering.
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