Getting to that point I think... :-(
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Getting to that point I think... :-(
So I've posted here a couple of times about my binge drinking over the past months. Each time I talk about how I'm not willing to stop but also the realisation that I'm harming myself and how I need to stop. I'm obviously in denial but part of that denial is the willingness to continue. The thing is that so far I've binge drank 3 days a week and been hungover about 1 or 1 and 1/2. Usually the next day after my 3 days will be anxiety filled, I will feel cold (hands and feet), sick, fogy, slow, hot. I'm guessing this is pretty normal withdrawal. However I never tend to get classic hangover symptoms like bad headaches, nausea or light sensitivity. No shakes etc.
I should note that I've suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life so the increased anxiety the day after is sadly something that I am kind of used to just pushing through. I also take medication for my anxiety, SSRIs, and I know that mixing that with the drinking is even more stupid but yipee alcohol and smart decision making lol. Anyway the thing is that so far after that 1 and 1/2 days in the past the rest of the days of the week were usually fairly ok. In fact I would end out the week feeling down right happy and then want to drink more. This week has been harder than usual though, I've been anxious ever since I stopped drinking and that's quite a few days ago. Although nothing I have never experienced before. It's been a bad week at work to with my manager getting under my skin more than she usually manages to do, she's a micromanager that drives me nuts. Been feeling a lot more of the deeper depression returning. And of course what does an alcoholic think at this time? Even more reason to drink lol :-(
I am almost certain that I will drink again tomorrow and the 3 days after. But If I'm right that the anxiety and depression are getting worse because of my drinking then next week will be even worse :-( But hay maybe that will convince me finally to stop. Now of course the completely idiodic thing is why don'y you F'n stop now you piece of sh!t?! lol I worry that I might have a seizure or soemthing to tell you the truth. Those run in my family and the anxiety I feel has an odd head feel to it like something could "happen" although that's part and parcel of anxiety anyway. I'm not sure I drink enough to be going through the Kindling process that I know makes things worse. On my 3 days I typically each day drink a bottle of wine and 2 to 4 tall can beers. I drink those pretty quickly though. I know that volume wise many others drink more but this is not a small amount either. And I'm assuming everyone is different. I could probably be risking major health problems. Funny thing is that somehow I've managed through all of this to keep up running 4km a day 5 days a week too, and not slow runs, I push myself hard. I also don't eat well though and am almost anorexic so that's hard on me too.
Man I really really hate myself :-( I'm just so god damn lonely in life! I have my parents but that's it. And they are part of the problem. At 34 I'm trying to distance myself from them a bit. I have few other friends and keep everyone else at an arms length. I really feel like a failure and a waste.
I should note that I've suffered from anxiety and depression my whole life so the increased anxiety the day after is sadly something that I am kind of used to just pushing through. I also take medication for my anxiety, SSRIs, and I know that mixing that with the drinking is even more stupid but yipee alcohol and smart decision making lol. Anyway the thing is that so far after that 1 and 1/2 days in the past the rest of the days of the week were usually fairly ok. In fact I would end out the week feeling down right happy and then want to drink more. This week has been harder than usual though, I've been anxious ever since I stopped drinking and that's quite a few days ago. Although nothing I have never experienced before. It's been a bad week at work to with my manager getting under my skin more than she usually manages to do, she's a micromanager that drives me nuts. Been feeling a lot more of the deeper depression returning. And of course what does an alcoholic think at this time? Even more reason to drink lol :-(
I am almost certain that I will drink again tomorrow and the 3 days after. But If I'm right that the anxiety and depression are getting worse because of my drinking then next week will be even worse :-( But hay maybe that will convince me finally to stop. Now of course the completely idiodic thing is why don'y you F'n stop now you piece of sh!t?! lol I worry that I might have a seizure or soemthing to tell you the truth. Those run in my family and the anxiety I feel has an odd head feel to it like something could "happen" although that's part and parcel of anxiety anyway. I'm not sure I drink enough to be going through the Kindling process that I know makes things worse. On my 3 days I typically each day drink a bottle of wine and 2 to 4 tall can beers. I drink those pretty quickly though. I know that volume wise many others drink more but this is not a small amount either. And I'm assuming everyone is different. I could probably be risking major health problems. Funny thing is that somehow I've managed through all of this to keep up running 4km a day 5 days a week too, and not slow runs, I push myself hard. I also don't eat well though and am almost anorexic so that's hard on me too.
Man I really really hate myself :-( I'm just so god damn lonely in life! I have my parents but that's it. And they are part of the problem. At 34 I'm trying to distance myself from them a bit. I have few other friends and keep everyone else at an arms length. I really feel like a failure and a waste.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by least 
When I was drinking, I always woke up hating myself. 
I don't feel that way now that I'm sober. I hope you can get sober for good. 
I don't feel that way now that I'm sober. I hope you can get sober for good. I've felt lost and alone in life for most of my 34 years on this beautiful and terrible little dirt ball. I don't feel I can connect with people, I feel people pity me, think me, sad, pathetic, odd. And so I distance myself from others. Alcoholics talk of white knuckling it through sobriety. I have been white knuckling it through life long before drinking. And the reason I drink is that for a time, even if for a few hours, it and few other things, manages to drown all of that out.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Yeah, you're drinking enough to experience kindling, and it sounds like that's what's happening. I'm really glad that you're still in such good shape and running though. I really would encourage you to quit now.
I had depression and anxiety before I drank, and I do still now at 7.5 months sober. But I really underestimated how much worse the alcohol made me. I'm sure that the way I feel sometimes now was totally unbearable for me when I was younger and hadn't hit my alcoholic bottom yet. But after going there, this stuff is a lot more manageable. I'm also on SSRIs and they do work a lot better without pouring depressants on them, as well.
I'm 32 and I also drank for the temporary relief from all of my difficulty with life. The difference is for me the physical stuff caught up to me sooner. Trust me when I tell you that you're better off quitting when your physical dependency hasn't taken a life of its own yet. It will catch up with you eventually. I count myself lucky that it caught up to me fast, so that I didn't waste my whole life drinking... but it would've been a lot better for me if I'd stopped a few years before I did.
You can do it. Getting sober doesn't fix everything. But it goes a lot farther than you think.
I had depression and anxiety before I drank, and I do still now at 7.5 months sober. But I really underestimated how much worse the alcohol made me. I'm sure that the way I feel sometimes now was totally unbearable for me when I was younger and hadn't hit my alcoholic bottom yet. But after going there, this stuff is a lot more manageable. I'm also on SSRIs and they do work a lot better without pouring depressants on them, as well.
I'm 32 and I also drank for the temporary relief from all of my difficulty with life. The difference is for me the physical stuff caught up to me sooner. Trust me when I tell you that you're better off quitting when your physical dependency hasn't taken a life of its own yet. It will catch up with you eventually. I count myself lucky that it caught up to me fast, so that I didn't waste my whole life drinking... but it would've been a lot better for me if I'd stopped a few years before I did.
You can do it. Getting sober doesn't fix everything. But it goes a lot farther than you think.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 28
Hi Smilax!
The amount you day you drink is about the amount I have been drinking. I also struggled with anxiety. Ive only been sober 1 week but honestly my anxiety is gone. There are many times I am craving a buzz and just the flavour of alcohol, but I know alcohol is making my quality of life much worse and I dont want to do it indefinitely. I used to enjoy alcohol. Now it makes me hate myself. I dont want that negative sense of self anymore. I dont know if I will spend the rest of my life sober and I probably wont. But for the minute, I know my sobriety is worth the effort.
I understand that you are unhappy with your life at the moment. All I can suggest is that alcohol may be responsible for more than you think. Without trying, you wont know? Good luck and I hope you find it in you to give it a try. Youre worth the effort!
The amount you day you drink is about the amount I have been drinking. I also struggled with anxiety. Ive only been sober 1 week but honestly my anxiety is gone. There are many times I am craving a buzz and just the flavour of alcohol, but I know alcohol is making my quality of life much worse and I dont want to do it indefinitely. I used to enjoy alcohol. Now it makes me hate myself. I dont want that negative sense of self anymore. I dont know if I will spend the rest of my life sober and I probably wont. But for the minute, I know my sobriety is worth the effort.
I understand that you are unhappy with your life at the moment. All I can suggest is that alcohol may be responsible for more than you think. Without trying, you wont know? Good luck and I hope you find it in you to give it a try. Youre worth the effort!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Smilax
Unfortunately its a given that when you quit drinking your anxiety is going to be worse for a while.
You'll have not only the re-existing anxiety but the added anxiety of withdrawals and craving.
If you decide to avoid that by drinking more, you're only really making the problem worse.
The earlier you quit, the less the anxiety is going to be.
I hope you decide to quit now rather than later.
If you think you need a doctors help, by all means chase that up.
There's always tons of support here too.
You can do this
D
Unfortunately its a given that when you quit drinking your anxiety is going to be worse for a while.
You'll have not only the re-existing anxiety but the added anxiety of withdrawals and craving.
If you decide to avoid that by drinking more, you're only really making the problem worse.
The earlier you quit, the less the anxiety is going to be.
I hope you decide to quit now rather than later.
If you think you need a doctors help, by all means chase that up.
There's always tons of support here too.
You can do this
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Thank you for the support and understanding guys. Maybe I need a swift kick in the head and or tough love but the one thing I love about this place is the understanding and compassion, even when we admit to the most brutal of stupid behaviour that the rest of the world writes off and doesn't understand. I'm not excusing it, just saying that having that compassion from any place is a great comfort!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Smilax
I've hated myself in one way or another for a very long time. It's why alcohol is so effective and so alluring I suppose. It so effectively numbs those feelings of loneliness, I drink alone, and self hatred. I don't know that I hate myself more the next day, not yet anyway. I can well imagine if things get bad I might.
I've felt lost and alone in life for most of my 34 years on this beautiful and terrible little dirt ball. I don't feel I can connect with people, I feel people pity me, think me, sad, pathetic, odd. And so I distance myself from others. Alcoholics talk of white knuckling it through sobriety. I have been white knuckling it through life long before drinking. And the reason I drink is that for a time, even if for a few hours, it and few other things, manages to drown all of that out.
Knowing is not the same as doing. If it were, then denial wouldn't be a thing. Waiting to be ready to get sober, for me, meant never being ready. I only had a conviction to get sober after I put down the drink. My anxiety while drinking was around the past and the present, and it was so intense and persistent that I thought it might kill me. While in early sobriety, I found myself afraid of what would come next, given the destruction of my past. But my fear was tolerable.
The years of drinking was a chapter of my life that should never have been written. So I did a rewrite. Tough stuff, if you're like me. I dropped my defenses and allowed people to help me. I learned to reach out for help. I listened to people who had gone through what I was going through. Many of us deplore change, particularly when it comes to our thinking and our beliefs, no matter how self-destructive. I was no different. I changed the way I was living a little bit at a time, starting with a new toothbrush, and ending with a long and fulfilling career in clinical psychology and meaningful relationships with other people.
I drank again after twenty five years, and destroyed everything meaningful in my life, once again, over the course of three years of drinking. I'm now sober again for about four-and-a-half years. Nowadays, I'm in good health, good physical condition, and happy with where I brought myself in life.
Sitting hear, typing this out, I wonder what I would have thought had I read this post four-and-a-half years ago.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
We all struggle with the same thing - life.
For me drugs (of which alcohol is merely one) weren't my problem, they were my solution. Of course, we all know what happens when we go that route. I'm fond of what the NA "living clean" book says when it talks about some of us viewing addicts as "having an acute case of the human condition". Drugs were supposed to be my cure and holy grail for handling life and the fact that I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Ultimately, they caused far more trouble in my life than I was running from, and they gave the voice in my head that told me I was worthless far more ammunition to work with.
For me, that's why NA made the difference. Stopping using left me with a feeling of "now what?" which was overwhelming. In recovery I have had the opportunity to address all the things I had been running from. Life is still painful and overwhelming at times, but I have the tools to deal with it and all feelings pass. I have real friends to help me through the difficult times.
Stop using and things can get a lot better for you. Keep going the way you are and I guarantee that they'll get a lot worse.
For me drugs (of which alcohol is merely one) weren't my problem, they were my solution. Of course, we all know what happens when we go that route. I'm fond of what the NA "living clean" book says when it talks about some of us viewing addicts as "having an acute case of the human condition". Drugs were supposed to be my cure and holy grail for handling life and the fact that I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Ultimately, they caused far more trouble in my life than I was running from, and they gave the voice in my head that told me I was worthless far more ammunition to work with.
For me, that's why NA made the difference. Stopping using left me with a feeling of "now what?" which was overwhelming. In recovery I have had the opportunity to address all the things I had been running from. Life is still painful and overwhelming at times, but I have the tools to deal with it and all feelings pass. I have real friends to help me through the difficult times.
Stop using and things can get a lot better for you. Keep going the way you are and I guarantee that they'll get a lot worse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Manhattan, New York
Posts: 83
I really hope you decide to quit. It took me WAY too long to realize that my binge drinking was truly a problem.
I suffer from depression from time to time and that stemmed from before I started drinking, but it wasnt until recently that I realized that alot of my bad days did in fact happen because of my drinking (either the night of or the day after.)
Ive finally reacted a point where my happiness is my main priority and even though I am new to recovery, I already feel a major difference. Im finally changing the things that are constantly bringing me down and it feels GREAT to have control over my life.
SR is really great in helping with the process. There are alot of great people here that understand what you are going though and are highly supportive.
Ultimately you need to want to get sober and it sadly sounds like youre not ready to give that up. Hopefully sooner than later you're realize that its not for you and will see the advantages to your life through sobriety.
Good luck.
I suffer from depression from time to time and that stemmed from before I started drinking, but it wasnt until recently that I realized that alot of my bad days did in fact happen because of my drinking (either the night of or the day after.)
Ive finally reacted a point where my happiness is my main priority and even though I am new to recovery, I already feel a major difference. Im finally changing the things that are constantly bringing me down and it feels GREAT to have control over my life.
SR is really great in helping with the process. There are alot of great people here that understand what you are going though and are highly supportive.
Ultimately you need to want to get sober and it sadly sounds like youre not ready to give that up. Hopefully sooner than later you're realize that its not for you and will see the advantages to your life through sobriety.
Good luck.
just keep swimming
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 504
Originally Posted by Smilax
Thank you for the support and understanding guys. Maybe I need a swift kick in the head and or tough love but the one thing I love about this place is the understanding and compassion, even when we admit to the most brutal of stupid behaviour that the rest of the world writes off and doesn't understand. I'm not excusing it, just saying that having that compassion from any place is a great comfort!
It really doesn't matter how much you drink and with what frequency. Everything you've described confirms your fears - you have a problem.
The question is - what's it going to take for you to accept that? As soon as you do, you'll be able to start moving forward.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There is a solution and you know what it is. No amount of explaining, rationalizing, or worry is going to fix it.
Unfortunately the only person that can decide you've had enough is you.
There is a ton of support here on how to stay sober but very little on how to be a successful drinker because none of us could ever figure out how to although god knows we tried
Unfortunately the only person that can decide you've had enough is you.
There is a ton of support here on how to stay sober but very little on how to be a successful drinker because none of us could ever figure out how to although god knows we tried
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Similax, many of us here deal with anxiety issues which are always made worse by drinking. You will be able to stop drinking and your anxiety will very likely ease up. You may still experience anxiety as I do but you will be better equipped to deal with it.
Alcohol will continue to make you feel worse and worse about yourself and your life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. We're here to offer support.
Alcohol will continue to make you feel worse and worse about yourself and your life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. We're here to offer support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Depression / anxiety. That's me!! Therapy at young age and later in life a few times, medications, trying different meds. Blah, blah, blah.
I was astonished by how badly alcohol worsened depression. I didn't know it until I stopped. I didn't stop because of depression, I stopped because I had let alcohol destroy everything.
My outlook on my marriage, my job, everything was poor. Very poor. To the point where I let it all go. Even then I didn't connect the dots.
Alcohol is like adding plutonium to the fire (assuming plutonium is flammable?)
I was astonished by how badly alcohol worsened depression. I didn't know it until I stopped. I didn't stop because of depression, I stopped because I had let alcohol destroy everything.
My outlook on my marriage, my job, everything was poor. Very poor. To the point where I let it all go. Even then I didn't connect the dots.
Alcohol is like adding plutonium to the fire (assuming plutonium is flammable?)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 518
Originally Posted by Smilax
I've hated myself in one way or another for a very long time. It's why alcohol is so effective and so alluring I suppose. It so effectively numbs those feelings of loneliness, I drink alone, and self hatred. I don't know that I hate myself more the next day, not yet anyway. I can well imagine if things get bad I might.
I've felt lost and alone in life for most of my 34 years on this beautiful and terrible little dirt ball. I don't feel I can connect with people, I feel people pity me, think me, sad, pathetic, odd. And so I distance myself from others. Alcoholics talk of white knuckling it through sobriety. I have been white knuckling it through life long before drinking. And the reason I drink is that for a time, even if for a few hours, it and few other things, manages to drown all of that out.
I've felt lost and alone in life for most of my 34 years on this beautiful and terrible little dirt ball. I don't feel I can connect with people, I feel people pity me, think me, sad, pathetic, odd. And so I distance myself from others. Alcoholics talk of white knuckling it through sobriety. I have been white knuckling it through life long before drinking. And the reason I drink is that for a time, even if for a few hours, it and few other things, manages to drown all of that out.
I suggest you try to make a list of 10 things you like/enjoy. After you accomplish this, carry it with you and try your best to give yourself these joys each day.
You know alcohol is not the answer, i can tell from your articulate writing. You must start to rebuild happiness in your day to day life, and it starts with the small things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Well sadly I have chosen to drink again as I knew I would. However I have been getting closer and closer to deciding to stop of late and more and more worried. So perhaps this weekend will be one of my last binges, one can hope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
It's already too late for that. Your OP is a debate between the benefits of continuing to drink vs. the problems with getting sober. That you're perhaps not as bad as some others, and that you've been the way you are before you started drinking the way you do.
I had similar feelings before I first got sober in 1983. Yet there was also a part of me that knew better. I didn't have the manual that people who seemed happy had. I didn't know the "secret" to living a good life, to being comfortable with other people, to build relationships based on emotional intimacy and trust. Drinking made me feel that I was doing all those things, but part of me reasoned that this could not be the case.
Knowing is not the same as doing. If it were, then denial wouldn't be a thing. Waiting to be ready to get sober, for me, meant never being ready. I only had a conviction to get sober after I put down the drink. My anxiety while drinking was around the past and the present, and it was so intense and persistent that I thought it might kill me. While in early sobriety, I found myself afraid of what would come next, given the destruction of my past. But my fear was tolerable.
The years of drinking was a chapter of my life that should never have been written. So I did a rewrite. Tough stuff, if you're like me. I dropped my defenses and allowed people to help me. I learned to reach out for help. I listened to people who had gone through what I was going through. Many of us deplore change, particularly when it comes to our thinking and our beliefs, no matter how self-destructive. I was no different. I changed the way I was living a little bit at a time, starting with a new toothbrush, and ending with a long and fulfilling career in clinical psychology and meaningful relationships with other people.
I drank again after twenty five years, and destroyed everything meaningful in my life, once again, over the course of three years of drinking. I'm now sober again for about four-and-a-half years. Nowadays, I'm in good health, good physical condition, and happy with where I brought myself in life.
Sitting hear, typing this out, I wonder what I would have thought had I read this post four-and-a-half years ago.
I had similar feelings before I first got sober in 1983. Yet there was also a part of me that knew better. I didn't have the manual that people who seemed happy had. I didn't know the "secret" to living a good life, to being comfortable with other people, to build relationships based on emotional intimacy and trust. Drinking made me feel that I was doing all those things, but part of me reasoned that this could not be the case.
Knowing is not the same as doing. If it were, then denial wouldn't be a thing. Waiting to be ready to get sober, for me, meant never being ready. I only had a conviction to get sober after I put down the drink. My anxiety while drinking was around the past and the present, and it was so intense and persistent that I thought it might kill me. While in early sobriety, I found myself afraid of what would come next, given the destruction of my past. But my fear was tolerable.
The years of drinking was a chapter of my life that should never have been written. So I did a rewrite. Tough stuff, if you're like me. I dropped my defenses and allowed people to help me. I learned to reach out for help. I listened to people who had gone through what I was going through. Many of us deplore change, particularly when it comes to our thinking and our beliefs, no matter how self-destructive. I was no different. I changed the way I was living a little bit at a time, starting with a new toothbrush, and ending with a long and fulfilling career in clinical psychology and meaningful relationships with other people.
I drank again after twenty five years, and destroyed everything meaningful in my life, once again, over the course of three years of drinking. I'm now sober again for about four-and-a-half years. Nowadays, I'm in good health, good physical condition, and happy with where I brought myself in life.
Sitting hear, typing this out, I wonder what I would have thought had I read this post four-and-a-half years ago.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Kirky
I really hope you decide to quit. It took me WAY too long to realize that my binge drinking was truly a problem.
I suffer from depression from time to time and that stemmed from before I started drinking, but it wasnt until recently that I realized that alot of my bad days did in fact happen because of my drinking (either the night of or the day after.)
Ive finally reacted a point where my happiness is my main priority and even though I am new to recovery, I already feel a major difference. Im finally changing the things that are constantly bringing me down and it feels GREAT to have control over my life.
SR is really great in helping with the process. There are alot of great people here that understand what you are going though and are highly supportive.
Ultimately you need to want to get sober and it sadly sounds like youre not ready to give that up. Hopefully sooner than later you're realize that its not for you and will see the advantages to your life through sobriety.
Good luck.
I suffer from depression from time to time and that stemmed from before I started drinking, but it wasnt until recently that I realized that alot of my bad days did in fact happen because of my drinking (either the night of or the day after.)
Ive finally reacted a point where my happiness is my main priority and even though I am new to recovery, I already feel a major difference. Im finally changing the things that are constantly bringing me down and it feels GREAT to have control over my life.
SR is really great in helping with the process. There are alot of great people here that understand what you are going though and are highly supportive.
Ultimately you need to want to get sober and it sadly sounds like youre not ready to give that up. Hopefully sooner than later you're realize that its not for you and will see the advantages to your life through sobriety.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by JoeCree
Do you find happiness when you run? Or other areas in your life, no matter how small it may seem: like a warm shower or smell of spring air.
I suggest you try to make a list of 10 things you like/enjoy. After you accomplish this, carry it with you and try your best to give yourself these joys each day.
You know alcohol is not the answer, i can tell from your articulate writing. You must start to rebuild happiness in your day to day life, and it starts with the small things.
I suggest you try to make a list of 10 things you like/enjoy. After you accomplish this, carry it with you and try your best to give yourself these joys each day.
You know alcohol is not the answer, i can tell from your articulate writing. You must start to rebuild happiness in your day to day life, and it starts with the small things.
Another passion of mine is photography and I must say I'm not bad at it, thought trying to make it sound like I'm bragging to much. I also love the sciences, math, art nature etc. I have an aptitude for studying these too. But I've always let my perfectionism destroy my interest in these.
Have ended up working retail jobs the past 10 years because I can't face those passions. Doing so and living at home with my parents though I've managed to build up a sizeable nest egg thankfully. I've thought of quitting my job and travelling the world for a while. Something like a walkabout to find myself. Some might feel that this is just running from my issues to though, I don't know.
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