Kirky

I woke up crying today. Not even sure why. Ive been getting headaches around bedtime the past few days and this is the first day that Ive woke up with one as well.

Ive been thinking alot about relationships in my life that I have damaged because of my drinking and its really starting to get to me.
Ive come to terms with the fact that these relationships will not be rekindled and though that is heartbreaking, I am trying really hard to let it go and move on. Ive thought about getting rid of these people via Facebook because whats the point? I dont really want to see how great they are doing without me in their lives and Im not even blaming them. I also kind of dont want them to see into my life considering they dont really care anymore. Is that wrong to feel that way? I want a fresh start if that makes any sense. And seeing these people, even though a computer screen is just a constant reminder of a failed friendship.

Its making me sick to my stomach even right now. Im still furious at myself that I let it take ahold of my life the way it did. I never ONCE through those years saw it as a problem and thats so sad to me. I could have prevented so many things in the past from happening if I didnt take what MANY people were saying to me for granted. That my drinking was INDEED a problem.

With those heartaches though, I try to keep a positive outlook as much as I can fathom. I still have my best friend since 3rd grade that somehow, through the grace of God, that Ive never had a problem with. She has been so unbelievably supportive and if I didnt have her, honestly I probably wouldnt be alive right now. I have another "newer friend" (known each other for about 6 years) who was my drinking partner, that he himself has realized hes not truly a fan of himself drunk. Hes been on and off the wagon as I have the past year. Dont think hes fully quit yet, but Im so happy to have him too.
I have a boyfriend that really stood by me though all my craziness and our relationship, he was the one that truly opened my eyes to my alcoholism. My family is supportive, but I think thats mainly through me screwing up at family occasions. Its love, but I also think through them its being embarrassed by me honestly, but we wont talk about that for now. Thats all I have. A few "friends" here and there but no one that truly knows me or cares.

Im really into horoscopes and I like to read them when Im having an off day because they are pretty spot on. This was mine today:

"Are you wishing for an end to all of your problems? You would probably admit that you have had more than your fair share of problems recently, and so yours might be a pretty big wish. Even you, as a hopeful dreamer, might acknowledge during your more pensive moments that this is a lot to ask the universe. You have either recently had a birthday or you will soon, Pisces. In the weeks ahead, you will find that the pressure is lifting and that one by one your problems are beginning to dissipate or to become more manageable. Thats your birthday gift from the universe."

Im hoping this is factual. Im so ready for my life to change. Im ready to be a happy person again. Ive always been one of those people that dwell on embarrassing things that have happened in my life, YEARS later, and I think thats whats scaring me now. Is that for the next 10 years in my life, Im just going to think about how much Ive screwed up with alcohol all the time.

Sorry for rambling.

ChloeRose63

You have to learn to let go of the past. It is gone. If you can write it all down then tear it up, burn it, flush it, throw it out the car window if you wish. But, you have only the NOW to live in and the NOW attitude will move you into the future. If you are stuck in the past you will never make changes and move forward. Think about it.

Opivotal

I would stop the FB immediately. You have enough emotional turmoil right now. Why torture yourself? I unfriended a number of people, I was relieved. Honestly, it was the best move I made.

You're still in early recovery, your emotions will be all over the place. I cried so much the first month. Give your mind and body a chance to heal.

The longer you're sober the better you'll feel.

Hang in there, it's worth it Kirky!

Do something nice for yourself today.

You're worth it.

Purplrks3647

First of all, congrats on Day 12! Eight more than me! Sounds like you have the right people around you now, and what Chloe said is true as well! A friend of mine once said something similar that I also need to remember: "If you dwell in the past, the future is impossible to see" --- (and as far as Facebook, personally I deleted myself from there years ago and I don't miss it!) Hope your day gets better! {HUGS}

ChloeRose63

Thanks,Purplcks!
I agree with you about FB. I got so tired of getting down on myself whenever FB 'friends' bragged and posted how wonderful their life was and how happy they are on there boats (partying), at reunions (partying), on their holidaysv (drinks in hand), etc. This was not what I need to have in my life so I gave it " the boot". Goodbye to that and I am so much happier living my own life with having to compare it to anyone. Hugs to you and you, too, Kirky! ♡ CR

amyrose

Thats all I have. A few "friends" here and there but no one that truly knows me or cares.

I am surprised by this statement because everything you said right before that is you have (i) a best friend that is amazing, (ii) a 6 year friendship that is supportive, (iii) your SO that loves you and a family that is standing by you. That is all collectively AWESOME!! I am envious as my main support is this website and most in my "real" life think I am taking this too seriously and don't get it at all.

Kirky

When I said "A few "friends" here and there but no one that truly knows me or cares" I meant besides those people I mentioned prior.
I used to have loads of friends, I was a social butterfly.
Sadly, and Im realizing this now for the first time, that that was purely from my drinking. These were people that I constantly partied with and gave the title of "my friends" for that reason and that reason alone.

I smoke cigarettes (another vice but Im not ready to give that up yet) and I am constantly sitting by my window and watching people walk by on the streets in Manhattan and Im so envious of their friendships. I have no friends here in NYC. No one I can call and say "Hey, lets grab a coffee" and they actually will. My two friends I mentioned previously live about an hour away from me and I see them maybe once a month, if Im lucky.

I guess I need to be happy with what I have right? I have a good little support group. I just wish I could make friends that feel the way I do.
SR has been super helpful. You guys have no idea how grateful I am for you.

Kirky

Thank you, CR, Opi and Purp for your responses.
I think youre right about facebook. I AM totally torturing myself and its unfair to me and my recovery.

I think its really killing me because I recently became friends with an old bestie of mine on there and he just had a kid and that KILLED ME. I had no idea and he felt no need to tell me. That was heartbreaking. This was a friend of mine that I knew for 10 years. We DID do alot of boozing and abusing together, so believe me I understand why were not friends anymore, but that really did break my heart. I cant get rid of Facebook alltogether, but I will rid myself of the people that dont consider me a friend anymore.

I want to move on so badly.

ChloeRose63

Good for you. That is a positive start. I am proud of you, Kirky. Keep posting. ♡CR

Sancho

We all shed friends as we mature, Kirky. The whole fast-living thing has to slow down to a more manageable pace. Ditch FB, it's only a time-vampire and none of it is real. Few people there post pictures of themselves having a lousy day or arguing with their kids. If you need to keep in touch with people, there's email, stone-age phones, etc.
Look on the bright side. You can sit at your window, look out, and see...Manhattan! What I wouldn't give for that! Spent my student-year summers (early '80's) working there, and bizarrely, my wife is on a plane as I write, coming home after a week in the U.S. with her job, and she spent most of Saturday at the Met Museum in the Park and phoned me to say she was stunned at the collections there. So much to do, so much of interest to look forward to, instead of torturing yourself with the 'Guilty Horrors' (as we call 'em in IRL) about things that are gone.
Just for the record, I fell off the wagon, slowly, over the last two weeks and now I'm back on it again. Damned if I'm going to torture myself over it. I felt lousy about it for one day, but enough is enough and both you and I have better things to be doing than making ourselves miserable. Chin up!

Hevyn

Hi Kirky. Great responses already. I just want to say I'm proud of you for getting to Day 12 - we know how hard it is in the early days of recovery. I remember being very fragile - my emotions were raw. Everything seemed larger than life. I felt guilty & remorseful - but it all got better. Be kind to yourself and take time to heal - hope and happiness will find you again.