Scared and ashamed...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
Scared and ashamed...
I've been on and off SR many times over the last several years as well as stayed temporarily sober many times. I don't have a hard time stopping, but I can't seem to stay stopped. I have gone as much as six months sober in the past but I always seem to convince myself I don't have a problem. It starts with one drink, then three, then days of binge drinking.
I make so many excuses for continuing to drink: it helps me sleep, it quiets my anxiety, it helps me fit into social situations better. All of which I know is crap, technically, but I seem to convince myself every time. I just can't seem to stop. And it's starting to scare me to death.
I've been struggling financially for years and years and the drinking just makes it worse. I can't even pay my rent as we speak. I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but financially speaking, I don't things could get much worse. I'm in a tremendous about of debt from business and personal loans and I feel like there's no way out. I'm not working consistently and don't have any real way of making the kind of money I need to get caught up. Years of avoidance have also landed me in trouble with the IRS. Tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes that I have no idea how I'm going to pay.
I feel helpless, scared, ashamed and worst of all like a really terrible, terrible person. :-( I have not honored my obligations to people over the past several decades and it's starting to make me feel like a very bad person. How do you get help and forgive yourself and stop once and for all?
I make so many excuses for continuing to drink: it helps me sleep, it quiets my anxiety, it helps me fit into social situations better. All of which I know is crap, technically, but I seem to convince myself every time. I just can't seem to stop. And it's starting to scare me to death.
I've been struggling financially for years and years and the drinking just makes it worse. I can't even pay my rent as we speak. I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but financially speaking, I don't things could get much worse. I'm in a tremendous about of debt from business and personal loans and I feel like there's no way out. I'm not working consistently and don't have any real way of making the kind of money I need to get caught up. Years of avoidance have also landed me in trouble with the IRS. Tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes that I have no idea how I'm going to pay.
I feel helpless, scared, ashamed and worst of all like a really terrible, terrible person. :-( I have not honored my obligations to people over the past several decades and it's starting to make me feel like a very bad person. How do you get help and forgive yourself and stop once and for all?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Newlife310...I am sorry that you're feeling so down right now xx such negative thoughts about yourself will not help you move forward. Show yourself the kindness and empathy you would show to a friend or loved one...you deserve kindness and empathy too. Wishing you well x
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Hi NewLife,
Welcome back to SR. Being able to stop but not stay stopped is par for the course in our community. Sounds like you need a plan to stay motivated to stay stopped forever. Perhaps go to meeting or read some recovery literature? Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol discusses each of the reasons/excuses for drinking you cite.
As for your debts, the past is the past. It may be regrettable but you may want to consider talking with a bankruptcy lawyer about getting a fresh start both financially and with respect to the alcohol. That's why such laws exist. They may not help much with the tax debts though, for some reason the government exempted itself from the effects of the bankruptcy law.
And one more thing - stop with the self-loathing already and be kind to yourself! Having such problems doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to change your way of living to have a better future.
Good luck - rooting for you!
Welcome back to SR. Being able to stop but not stay stopped is par for the course in our community. Sounds like you need a plan to stay motivated to stay stopped forever. Perhaps go to meeting or read some recovery literature? Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol discusses each of the reasons/excuses for drinking you cite.
As for your debts, the past is the past. It may be regrettable but you may want to consider talking with a bankruptcy lawyer about getting a fresh start both financially and with respect to the alcohol. That's why such laws exist. They may not help much with the tax debts though, for some reason the government exempted itself from the effects of the bankruptcy law.
And one more thing - stop with the self-loathing already and be kind to yourself! Having such problems doesn't make you a bad person. You just need to change your way of living to have a better future.
Good luck - rooting for you!
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
IME what worked was stopping, getting involved in recovery, (in my case NA) and then changing how I lived and cleaning up my messes over time. (Still cleaning up). Forgiving yourself gets easier when you have a track record of behaving differently. I'm still not an expert on self-forgiveness, but it has gotten easier.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
You have to start with not drinking one day at a time. Don't drink today. Then tomorrow, do it again. When you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. 
You have to start with not drinking one day at a time. Don't drink today. Then tomorrow, do it again. When you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi NewLife, the good news is that there are many approaches and techniques people use to get and stay sober, hopefully this time around you can find one that works for you. I will leave it to the experts on this site to recommend those things. Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Newlife. There is a common theme in these responses.
To fix your tomorrow, you've got to start by not drinking today. The bottom line is you won't be able to put your life back together until you break this cycle. I spent 20 years in that vicious cycle; physically, emotionally, financially, excuses after excuses of why I needed to drink. I've got over a half million $ in judgments now, but I am finally in control of my life. Financial burdens are not the end of the world. Compared to when I was drinking, my life now is a dream. Don't get me wrong my family and I live a very simple and financially tight life, but I thank God every day that I am sober.
Trust me, there is hope and you are strong enough to take the first steps. You've got to take control of your future.
Make a decision, lay out a plan, and don't drink today. Lean on us to help you through the tough times.
To fix your tomorrow, you've got to start by not drinking today. The bottom line is you won't be able to put your life back together until you break this cycle. I spent 20 years in that vicious cycle; physically, emotionally, financially, excuses after excuses of why I needed to drink. I've got over a half million $ in judgments now, but I am finally in control of my life. Financial burdens are not the end of the world. Compared to when I was drinking, my life now is a dream. Don't get me wrong my family and I live a very simple and financially tight life, but I thank God every day that I am sober.
Trust me, there is hope and you are strong enough to take the first steps. You've got to take control of your future.
Make a decision, lay out a plan, and don't drink today. Lean on us to help you through the tough times.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
NewLife, I'm glad you posted. Forgiving yourself will likely take awhile. For me, it didn't happen all at once, but was a gradual thing and it took a lot of work. And, I think repaying your debts will also take time and patience and hard work. Try to not be overwhelmed but stay on track. Make some lists and decide what you can do each day to move your life forward.
To remain sober and recover, you might have to make some changes in your life regarding people and activities. Have faith that you will get through this.
To remain sober and recover, you might have to make some changes in your life regarding people and activities. Have faith that you will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I can relate to many aspects of your situation. I drank myself out of numerous jobs and ran up debt. After maxing out my credit cards to over $60,000 while unemployed, I was forced to declare bankruptcy. I paid my rent for a year on credit and the rest went to support the lifestyle of a 24/7 vodka drinker. That year long binge only ended after ending up in the ER with alcoholic hepatitis.
I know the utter despair and hopelessness you feel right now. The guilt and shame that goes with it is a constant threat to my sobriety as it becomes too much to bear without just numbing myself. I lost everything and I am starting over from rock bottom. our only focus right now is staying sober. The rest can wait.
I know the utter despair and hopelessness you feel right now. The guilt and shame that goes with it is a constant threat to my sobriety as it becomes too much to bear without just numbing myself. I lost everything and I am starting over from rock bottom. our only focus right now is staying sober. The rest can wait.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 174
I know what you mean concerning your finances. I had over 11k in credit card debt over multiple cards with ZERO savings. I dont even know what i was buying, as I have nothing to show for it. Almost 3 years sober, I got a steady job, a personal business and just paid off all my credit card debt last month. To say your finances will improve when you quit drinking, would be the understatement of the century.
Being sober has a domino effect on everything in your life. Its not as if being sober will suddenly bless you with wealth but rather with increased energy, motivation, happiness and a positive outlook on life that will bring on that success. Its hard work but the best work you will ever do. Always remember, that the person you are when crippled by alcohol addiction, is not the real you. The real you, the motivated you, the happy you, will only emerge when alcohol ceases to exist in your world. Rid your self of it and bask in the greatness that is the sober you.
Being sober has a domino effect on everything in your life. Its not as if being sober will suddenly bless you with wealth but rather with increased energy, motivation, happiness and a positive outlook on life that will bring on that success. Its hard work but the best work you will ever do. Always remember, that the person you are when crippled by alcohol addiction, is not the real you. The real you, the motivated you, the happy you, will only emerge when alcohol ceases to exist in your world. Rid your self of it and bask in the greatness that is the sober you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome NewLife. I'm glad you came back to continue working on getting free.
I hope you'll be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. No one intentionally sabotages their life. I was in a similar predicament when I first came here. My anxiety was awful, the remorse and guilt almost led me back to drinking. Thankfully, my friends here helped me find the courage and strength to change my life. We all understand how you're feeling - I hope that is at least some comfort. Becoming healthy again will help you face things that need attention. Getting numb just prolongs the bad days. You can do it this time, NewLife - we are with you.
I hope you'll be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. No one intentionally sabotages their life. I was in a similar predicament when I first came here. My anxiety was awful, the remorse and guilt almost led me back to drinking. Thankfully, my friends here helped me find the courage and strength to change my life. We all understand how you're feeling - I hope that is at least some comfort. Becoming healthy again will help you face things that need attention. Getting numb just prolongs the bad days. You can do it this time, NewLife - we are with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
Today was just too much. The weight of the guilt and shame was just too much to bear today. I bought a bottle of wine and as much as I hate to say it helped me feel better and get through the night. I feel like quitting cold turkey, especially on this night, was just too much. I hope to taper off, but I feel I'm just falling back into old habits again. Man, this is tough. I don't know if I'm going to make it and it terrifies me. At what point do you know if you need rehab and how do you afford it if you have no money?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
NewLife Dee will post links for free rehab I'm sure. I'm a business person and an alcoholic so I know what you are facing.
Tackle one thing at a time, if you try to do everything it will overwhelm you as it has tonight.
The first thing to do is to stop drinking today. Pour the rest down the sink.
Leave the other worries for now, focus on today.
Tackle one thing at a time, if you try to do everything it will overwhelm you as it has tonight.
The first thing to do is to stop drinking today. Pour the rest down the sink.
Leave the other worries for now, focus on today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oakland
Posts: 561
Hey newlife. I feel you about all the excuses and rationalizations. I do that and I always drink. It's just me lying to myself. Or my disease or whatever they call it. You know you have a drinking problem so quit believing your lies. Yes, go to a rehab. Im doing an outpatient program thru my insurance. It's very involved. I really like it. Talk to your HR or your medical provider. You're wasting your life. $ probs suck. You can deal with that later, your only focus right now is doing the work to stay sober. If you can't go to rehab then get yourself a sponsor who values meetings and service. You'll be busy in AA. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hey Newlife! You are in the right place so many good things said here...
Have you tried AA at all? It might be something to consider. I was totally against AA until I found that it was an in real life meeting with people who understood me and didn't judge. It can give you the support you need when you need it. I identify a lot with what you are going through. I have been stripped of almost everything and I am drowning in debt. Legal battles over custody of my oldest two children. No job. No money. Living in a basement with my littlest girl.
I couldn't fathom living. I couldn't imagine living life without numbing myself out to the awful nightmare I'd made of it all. Like least said, when you get to the point when you want to be sober more than you want to drink, you will make a path for yourself on the road of sobriety.
I did not want to deal with things. I still don't. I was incredibly fearful every time I sobered up. The anxiety was crushing. But I honestly realized that every drink I drank I was taking one step closer to letting it all end. As alone and scared as I felt, I knew I had a lot WHYs to be here. And be present and sober. I have a lot to give. I came here and served myself up raw, and found myself in good company. I read a ton. I posted. Joined a class. Went to meetings. Got a sponsor. Read some more. Downloaded sober apps. Started working the steps.
I really had to slow things down. One day at a time. Realizing the past is gone and dusted. All I had was the choices I made today so I could build a different future for myself. Try anything to keep myself sober. If one thing works, it goes in the tool box, if it doesn't work, toss it out.
The shame and the guilt does lessen in time... I don't know if it always goes away for all of us. But as you start to work on building a new sober life and get those sober memories locked in your brain you will start to feel better. It just takes time... and patience, and learning to love yourself completely even if you are having bad feelings.
And don't give up. You are not alone.
so many good things said here... Have you tried AA at all? It might be something to consider. I was totally against AA until I found that it was an in real life meeting with people who understood me and didn't judge. It can give you the support you need when you need it. I identify a lot with what you are going through. I have been stripped of almost everything and I am drowning in debt. Legal battles over custody of my oldest two children. No job. No money. Living in a basement with my littlest girl.
I couldn't fathom living. I couldn't imagine living life without numbing myself out to the awful nightmare I'd made of it all. Like least said, when you get to the point when you want to be sober more than you want to drink, you will make a path for yourself on the road of sobriety.
I did not want to deal with things. I still don't. I was incredibly fearful every time I sobered up. The anxiety was crushing. But I honestly realized that every drink I drank I was taking one step closer to letting it all end. As alone and scared as I felt, I knew I had a lot WHYs to be here. And be present and sober. I have a lot to give. I came here and served myself up raw, and found myself in good company. I read a ton. I posted. Joined a class. Went to meetings. Got a sponsor. Read some more. Downloaded sober apps. Started working the steps.
I really had to slow things down. One day at a time. Realizing the past is gone and dusted. All I had was the choices I made today so I could build a different future for myself. Try anything to keep myself sober. If one thing works, it goes in the tool box, if it doesn't work, toss it out.
The shame and the guilt does lessen in time... I don't know if it always goes away for all of us. But as you start to work on building a new sober life and get those sober memories locked in your brain you will start to feel better. It just takes time... and patience, and learning to love yourself completely even if you are having bad feelings.
And don't give up. You are not alone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
