Gerlinggirl70

I have been married for 20 years, however for the last year my husband and I have been separated. After 4 years of dealing with his alcoholism, I filed for divorce. He has not hit rock bottom, despite 3 detoxes, 2 inpatient rehabs, losing me and his daughters, and recently a DWI. In December he met a woman and moved in with her. He at the time had no job. He claims he loves her. After his DWI, in car I was paying for and insuring, he asked me to postpone our divorce and we would try to work on things. I did as he asked, however he claims he has moved on though he will always care for me. Both of our daughters have told him either he gets sober and ditches the girlfriend or they want nothing to do with him. Why do I still cry for him? Why has it been so easy for him to walk away, choose another woman over our family?

Bunny211

So sorry you are going through all of this. One thing I have learned is that our codependent loved ones (and it sounds like you are codependent) are just as sick, if not sicker, than us addicts and alcoholics. My sponsor made me read the book Codependent No More. It's a good starting point. Sadly, you can't change other people. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. The alcohol has likely clouded his thinking so badly over the years. I look back at the things I did when I was drinking and my jaw almost hits the floor because that is NOT who I am. I was that way when I drank though. Sending you hugs and warm fuzzies.

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm sorry you and your children are going through this gerlinggirl. I wish I could give you some insight but unfortunately I have none.

Gerlinggirl70

I am trying so hard to resist the urge to try and contact him. I feel like in one hand he has made it clear that he has no intention of sobriety, the addiction has a tight leash on him so I should just leave him alone. But on the other hand, I know this girlfriend is also drinking with him, she has only been around for 2 months (maybe just a filler) and has no reason to support sobriety for him so it makes me want to try with him.

Upward2Enlightenment

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him get sober. He has to want to do it for himself.
I understand that you love him but you have to do what's best for you and your daughters.

Best wishes

Ariesagain

The girlfriend can't make him drink anymore than you can make him sober. It's up to him and only him as to whether he tries to get sober or not...and it sounds like not.

Please don't get sucked back in just because he's found an enabler. You and your girls need to keep moving forward with your own lives, not setting yourselves up for new hurt.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Gerlinggirl70

I was doing good right up until he got the girlfriend, and then I started crying and missing him, losing weight, and obsessively thinking about him. He moved in with her two weeks after they started dating and I started missing him and then he immediately had the upper hand with me. Trying so hard to not contact and to just let him go. When my daughters told him to get sober and get rid of the girlfriend, his response was that he is trying to get sober but that our marriage is over and not to make it so difficult for everyone.

Upward2Enlightenment

Perhaps you should look into counseling to help you deal with the emotions.

Gerlinggirl70

I am in counseling, just not doing as well as I wish I was doing before he got the girlfriend.

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm sorry to hear that it's not working as well as you want.

least

Welcome to the family. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. I'm sure you already know you can't do anything to change him. And it sounds like he's more interested in his addiction and his new gf than he is in getting sober.

I agree with your kids: if he can't get sober and ditch the gf, he has no place in their lives.

I will keep you in my prayers for some peace of mind.

Dharma33

Hi, gerling-

I'm glad to meet you, and sorry for what you are going through.

Have you checked out our Friends and Family forum yet? There are a lot of amazing people there who understand what it is like to be in a relationship with an addict.

Since I am the alcoholic in my household, I can tell you that as much as my husband wanted me to get sober, the only one who could get me sober was me, so it had to be when I was ready.

I hope to see you around!

Anna

I'm sorry for the situation for you and your daughters. I do hope he decides to get sober. I think it's important to remember that the girlfriend is not making him drink. Drinking is something he is choosing to do. This is a forum for Friends & Families which might be helpful for you to check out:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information