FormerWineGirl

I had a stark reminder this morning that at 18 months, my recovery is still very much in it's infancy. I was chatting with a friend/co-worker this morning, and the subject of a girl's trip that we took to St. Maarten a few years ago came up, and we began reminiscing about how much fun we had (basically it was a drunk-fest). For a moment it entered my mind how nice it would be to take a "break" from sobriety just to do a trip like that again. What a load of crap! That darn AV is so sneaky!

Obviously I won't do that. I gave up girl's trips with those ladies when I quit drinking. As much "strength" and resolve as I feel like I have, I'm afraid I wouldn't be match against that much temptation.

So here's my question to those who have longer sober time than me: Do those fleeting thoughts ever really go away?

ALinNS

It is interesting what extreme's the AV will go to to get us to drink, sometimes it's almost like a game in the mind of who can outsmart who.

The longest I have been sober is about 32 months, the thoughts, emotions come and go, the longer I was sober the less effect they had on me if that is of any help but the AV will rear it's ugly head from time to time but what you did is so critical, you recognized it and shut it down.

Congradulations

FreeOwl

most of the truly 'long timers' I know say that they absolutely go away.

I didn't really believe them for a long time, but I'm starting to now. Along the path of my third year of sobriety, I really haven't had those thoughts. Here and there, I guess I've had the fleeting-est thought that sort of resembled nostalgia about drinking, but gone are the wishful yearnings, the 'what--if's' and the 'maybe somedays'.

I have found myself in a place of comfort and happiness with my life of sobriety that I'd truly and honestly rather NOT have disturbed by the use of alcohol or drugs. There are times I find being around alcohol a big turnoff or an experience that engenders an odd feeling of melancholy - but not "gee, I wish I were drinking".

There really has been a turning point, somewhere along the arc of the past year, and things have changed. I can easily imagine that as more time passes.... the last vestiges of those thoughts and feelings may fade entirely.

Anna

I do think those moments go away. I think they are replaced by newer and healthier ways to have fun and enjoy life.

IvanMike

They show up less often over time. We also build up more defenses. I had a pretty strong urge to get loaded a few days ago, but it was in response to an emotional situation and I did what I was supposed to do - I was honest with myself, I didn't use, and I told people about it.

Every day my disease/AV shows up. Kind of like that old bugs bunny cartoon with the Coyote and the Dog where they both show up to the time clock, punch in, and then all day long the Coyote tries to steal the sheep and the Dog protects them. The Coyote is my disease/AV, and the Dog is my recovery. The sheep are things like my self esteem, my relationships, my job, etc. If I want to keep the sheep I have to feed the Dog. The Coyote is going to show up every day regardless of what I do. Over time the Dog gets bigger, but the Coyote gets a bit more clever.

Don't beat yourself up for thinking about using. We do that. Just don't use.

Bunny211

Oh man I can totally relate. Sometimes I get that feeling of...can't I take a break from sobriety for just one night? I can't though. Sometimes I get so MAD at the fact that I am an alcoholic and can never drink again. Tonight, I am not going to lie, I am kinda pissed that I am going to an AA meeting rather than out for margaritas and nachos.

least

I've been sober over six years and still sometimes get thoughts of drinking. But my sobriety is strong and the thoughts are easily dismissed.

Congrats on 18 months sober!

SoberLife90

I think it is wonderful that you recognized the crasy thought and came on here and posted. Greattttt job! I had a thought like that maybe a few weeks back. As soon as it happened I came on here and asked the same question you did. It is not unheard of to have these thoughts, but thoughts and actions are two different things. Btw I am over 2 1/2 years sober. As time goes on and we gain longer increments of sobriety I believe these thoughts will almost go away completely, especially if we are working a good program. I like my meetings, SR, readings, steps, and calling other AAs.)

So cool you came on here to talk about it.

Soberpotamus

I'll have three years in April, and like Least said, I find those thoughts do pop up occasionally, but they are easy to dismiss.

I see it as an old habit. There's the cue, the routine, and the reward. I still experience the "cue" but my routine is all different now. And so when I do all these other wonderful sober things that I do in my life, I get a reward that is truly fulfilling and lasting.

The urges occur much less and have much less power these days. They aren't distressing.

Dee74

Hi FWG

For me I no longer miss the old days. My life is a million times better than the mess I had back then, so I can't tell you when the last time was I had fl;eeting thoughts

I think it's pretty normal to reminisce and think wistfully of a time that you've set up in your mind as a carefree time.

As I always say - it's not the thoughts that count but the response to them

It seems like there was no real drive there for you to go back though - you shut the AV down, and I'm guessing you probably 'played the tape through' to all the bad stuff that used to happen?

I call that good recovery.

D

ccam1973

Great question FWG. I am at 20 months on the 6th and I had the same question. At times, my AV chimes in too.

Seems like the longer I stay sober, the more I understand that this is how life is meant to be; sober versus drunk every day just waiting for my next drink.

I always play it forward and remind myself there is no in between for me. It's either stay sober of pick right back up where I left off. I'm never going back.

Thanks for the responses everyone, I continue to learn every day!

FormerWineGirl

Thanks everyone for your help. I love how this community comes together to answer questions and help one another. IvanMike, your analogy with the coyote and sheepdog was great! Ralph and Sam punching the time clock - I remember it well. Love me some Looney Tunes! 😄

thomas11

I know it sounds cliche, but much of it comes down to the choices we make in our life. And most of us are here because we made some poor choices at some point. Lastly, I had some of the most fun in my life drinking and partying, but I had to make a choice, and I chose not to do those things anymore. It has helped a lot.

IvanMike

You know the names! Now we're showing our age...

I like a visual analogy. Sometimes It's more of a game of "Where's Waldo?" - Every day my disease/AV comes at me in one way or another, the trick is to recognize it. It's not always about getting loaded right away. Sometimes it's just trying to get a foot in the door or chip away at my self esteem or resolve or what have you. Resentments, guilt, shame, the inability to accept the way things are, self-pity, self-loathing, and a bunch of other mental tricks. Sooner or later that type of thinking, if left unchecked, will lead me back to using. - So i keep an eye out for Waldo.

FWIW, I'm not one of those who actually thinks my disease has a persona that's out to get me or kill me, but it is very helpful to anthropomorphize the disease/AV.