Apologizing to old friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Manhattan, New York
Posts: 83
Apologizing to old friends.
One of the things Ive thought about A LOT recently was how my alcohol abuse has effected relationships, MAINLY my friendships.
Sadly Ive lost a few good people to my alcoholism over the years and upon turning over a new leaf, I feel as though I need to apologize to certain people for how I reacted over certain things. Especially those in which I do feel that alcohol really affected my judgement and character.
One person specifically that Im aiming at first. One of my best friends from high school that our demise REALLY was stemmed from both our doings. We both had our own issues at the time, but looking back on my side of it, ALOT of our fights came from my drinking.
We went from being best friends to barely talking. Legit, a few "Hi, how are yous" over facebook that past couple of years, nothing like it used to be. I miss her and I do wish we could rekindle our friendship, but its most likely not going to happen now. She lives in another state, shes engaged and Im positive that I will not be invited to the wedding.
Ive grown past that, it saddens me but Im okay with that.
But ultimately I still think she deserves an explanation and an apology.
Is this a good idea? Is it even worth it? I feel like it would definitely benefit me more than her, but who knows. I just want her to know that I appreciated her friendship and I still care about her alot and that I would never forget the great times weve shared.
What do you guys think?
Sadly Ive lost a few good people to my alcoholism over the years and upon turning over a new leaf, I feel as though I need to apologize to certain people for how I reacted over certain things. Especially those in which I do feel that alcohol really affected my judgement and character.
One person specifically that Im aiming at first. One of my best friends from high school that our demise REALLY was stemmed from both our doings. We both had our own issues at the time, but looking back on my side of it, ALOT of our fights came from my drinking.
We went from being best friends to barely talking. Legit, a few "Hi, how are yous" over facebook that past couple of years, nothing like it used to be. I miss her and I do wish we could rekindle our friendship, but its most likely not going to happen now. She lives in another state, shes engaged and Im positive that I will not be invited to the wedding.
Ive grown past that, it saddens me but Im okay with that.
But ultimately I still think she deserves an explanation and an apology.
Is this a good idea? Is it even worth it? I feel like it would definitely benefit me more than her, but who knows. I just want her to know that I appreciated her friendship and I still care about her alot and that I would never forget the great times weve shared.
What do you guys think?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
My only advice in the 'making amends' category is to not apologize for something you did because you were drinking until you are certain you will never be drinking again. Or at least have some pretty solid sober time first.
Reason: If you apologize for something because of your drinking and say you turned a 'new leaf' and then go back to drinking again, you wasted your breath. And you wasted that person's time. And, you've made your apology worthless and any subsequent attempts to apologize will be waved off - as they should be.
Reason: If you apologize for something because of your drinking and say you turned a 'new leaf' and then go back to drinking again, you wasted your breath. And you wasted that person's time. And, you've made your apology worthless and any subsequent attempts to apologize will be waved off - as they should be.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
There is a reason that step 9 is where it is.
Right now, your biggest amend you can make to those you've harmed is to stay clean & sober and to engage yourself in the process of recovery. Right behind that is not behaving in the ways you used to that caused all of the damage.
We all come in with a plethora of guilt and shame and the nagging desire to "make things better" right away, if not sooner. That's just not how it works. Don't feel bad, we all think that way.
I had the fortune to go to NA and have the guidance of an experienced sponsor who guided me through the steps and the recovery process. After a while my clean time began to speak for itself, and I had changed my behavior to the point where I wasn't causing damage in other ways. At that point I was able to start making formal amends to people, and I continue to do so.
Relax. You'll get there.
Right now, your biggest amend you can make to those you've harmed is to stay clean & sober and to engage yourself in the process of recovery. Right behind that is not behaving in the ways you used to that caused all of the damage.
We all come in with a plethora of guilt and shame and the nagging desire to "make things better" right away, if not sooner. That's just not how it works. Don't feel bad, we all think that way.
I had the fortune to go to NA and have the guidance of an experienced sponsor who guided me through the steps and the recovery process. After a while my clean time began to speak for itself, and I had changed my behavior to the point where I wasn't causing damage in other ways. At that point I was able to start making formal amends to people, and I continue to do so.
Relax. You'll get there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Manhattan, New York
Posts: 83
Thats actually really great advice. I should wait...
I think its just been so heavy on my mind and heart the past few days that Ive really ruined relationships with my drinking. And amazing how it took me so long to truly realize that. Like, Ive known that but never really processed it.
Im so ashamed and I want to forgive myself but in order to do that I feel I have to discuss these feelings with the people I hurt.
I think its just been so heavy on my mind and heart the past few days that Ive really ruined relationships with my drinking. And amazing how it took me so long to truly realize that. Like, Ive known that but never really processed it.
Im so ashamed and I want to forgive myself but in order to do that I feel I have to discuss these feelings with the people I hurt.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
You're right -- it's very sad when we realize the friendship and love drinking has cost us.
For my part, I did apologize but the relationships are over and are not going to be rekindled.
I'd say do it if it makes you feel better, but be prepared for whatever response you might get or not get.
In a weird way, for me, realizing that the past was gone and not coming back helped me make peace with the idea that the future belongs to me now, and it's up to me to shape it into what I'd like it to be. Including friendships and love.
For my part, I did apologize but the relationships are over and are not going to be rekindled.
I'd say do it if it makes you feel better, but be prepared for whatever response you might get or not get.
In a weird way, for me, realizing that the past was gone and not coming back helped me make peace with the idea that the future belongs to me now, and it's up to me to shape it into what I'd like it to be. Including friendships and love.
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