A time for honesty
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Grendhar - I did that a few times, but I now have 8 yrs sober. What everyone is telling you is true - you can do this, you are not a failure, you can have a new life. I'm so glad you didn't give up & that you wanted to talk about what happened. We all understand.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: U.S.A
Posts: 236
My girlfriend doesn't know .. she told me yesterday she is proud of me. She thinks I'm still on whatever # day this would of been.
I feel guilty but also I know if it wasn't for her thinking I am still doing good, I would probably have drank for a while longer rather than coming back here this soon. Wouldn't of been smart but that is probably how it would have happened.
I wanted to disappear from SR for awhile.. felt embarrassed. But .. as Dee has said .. I have to quit sometime, why not now? No matter how many times I mess up and drink .. it's not like I'll magically be able to drink normally .. I'll always need to try again.
I do not want to be one of those people who just gives up and drinks until it kills me.
Everyone here is so supportive and I don't know why I have ignored a lot of advice I've been given. The "Pssst, want to know why I'm always recommending plans?" thread has been mentioned to me many times .. but I overlooked it .. somehow thought I would be less of a man or something if I created the binder one of the pdf recommends .. the one about the wellness toolbox. Somehow I thought I was above that?
I also stopped going to A.A meetings because they talk about god.. when the reality is most of the meetings don't talk about god the entire time. Only one was like that .. and I decided to be angry with A.A and not go back over that one meeting.
So today I did some google searching about how a non believer could succeed in A.A .. because even though there are other secular programs, A.A is the most available .. it's every place.
I read a rewritten version of the 12 steps that removed the god parts but retained the meaning. That helped me to realize at the end of the day believers and non believers just want to stop drinking and become better people.
I think my biggest obstacle will be to humble myself and not get a few days sober days under my belt again and stop thinking I need help.
Sorry for the rambling ..
I feel guilty but also I know if it wasn't for her thinking I am still doing good, I would probably have drank for a while longer rather than coming back here this soon. Wouldn't of been smart but that is probably how it would have happened.
I wanted to disappear from SR for awhile.. felt embarrassed. But .. as Dee has said .. I have to quit sometime, why not now? No matter how many times I mess up and drink .. it's not like I'll magically be able to drink normally .. I'll always need to try again.
I do not want to be one of those people who just gives up and drinks until it kills me.
Everyone here is so supportive and I don't know why I have ignored a lot of advice I've been given. The "Pssst, want to know why I'm always recommending plans?" thread has been mentioned to me many times .. but I overlooked it .. somehow thought I would be less of a man or something if I created the binder one of the pdf recommends .. the one about the wellness toolbox. Somehow I thought I was above that?
I also stopped going to A.A meetings because they talk about god.. when the reality is most of the meetings don't talk about god the entire time. Only one was like that .. and I decided to be angry with A.A and not go back over that one meeting.
So today I did some google searching about how a non believer could succeed in A.A .. because even though there are other secular programs, A.A is the most available .. it's every place.
I read a rewritten version of the 12 steps that removed the god parts but retained the meaning. That helped me to realize at the end of the day believers and non believers just want to stop drinking and become better people.
I think my biggest obstacle will be to humble myself and not get a few days sober days under my belt again and stop thinking I need help.
Sorry for the rambling ..
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: U.S.A
Posts: 236
Over the years I've become a very angry person. I have become very judgmental of people I see in public. I am a very angry driver. Just about anything people do on the road I can find a reason to be angry.
This has been my general approach to the world for a long time. I feel like it is me vs the world. I only have cared about those in my immediate family.
The last post I wrote about needing to be more humble was what opened my eyes to this. Being angry at the world isn't hurting the world .. it's hurting me.
I don't think I am a sociopath or anything like that .. because when I really stop myself in my tracks and reflect on things like I am doing now .. I do feel a desire to just be at peace with other people and the world in general. Sometimes I do have moments where I feel like helping people .. but it's rare.
I think it's to do with what I've seen said before .. it's hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
As part of my goal to be somewhat normal again I have to
a) Not drink ever again.
b) Make an effort every day to change my negative, toxic thinking about the world and the people in it.
c) Just keep trying to do the next right thing.
I think a major part of my recovery will have to do with becoming less angry and more at peace with my surroundings.
Does this make any sense to anyone? I can't help but feel like I just made myself sound crazy due to the parts of this where I said I don't really like people.
I do like all of you on SR .. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I meant most people.
Going to stop typing on this post .. the more I type, the more I worry about what you all will think of it ..
This has been my general approach to the world for a long time. I feel like it is me vs the world. I only have cared about those in my immediate family.
The last post I wrote about needing to be more humble was what opened my eyes to this. Being angry at the world isn't hurting the world .. it's hurting me.
I don't think I am a sociopath or anything like that .. because when I really stop myself in my tracks and reflect on things like I am doing now .. I do feel a desire to just be at peace with other people and the world in general. Sometimes I do have moments where I feel like helping people .. but it's rare.
I think it's to do with what I've seen said before .. it's hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
As part of my goal to be somewhat normal again I have to
a) Not drink ever again.
b) Make an effort every day to change my negative, toxic thinking about the world and the people in it.
c) Just keep trying to do the next right thing.
I think a major part of my recovery will have to do with becoming less angry and more at peace with my surroundings.
Does this make any sense to anyone? I can't help but feel like I just made myself sound crazy due to the parts of this where I said I don't really like people.
I do like all of you on SR .. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I meant most people.
Going to stop typing on this post .. the more I type, the more I worry about what you all will think of it ..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Grendhar, your last post made perfect sense to me. One of my biggest motivators for getting sober was that my thinking had become very negative, and I was angry and critical towards loved ones, who did not deserve my negativity. Getting sober (and the work that went into staying sober) has mostly freed me of that negativity and greatly improved my ability to be at peace with others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Grendhar. Your posts also made lots of sense to me too. Been there many times myself. Good job on the self-reflection.
Might I suggest something to you? Check out the Sober Tool app. While it may talk a fair bit about God in it, just read the messages with an open mind and take from it what you will. It gives a lot of valuable insight and on the spot tools to help overcome cravings and sort through our feelings in early recovery. I can tell you for me it has helped me work through a lot of the negative emotions I was struggling with early on. It's given me a lot more peace than I even had in years prior to my troubles with alcohol.
And nobody thinks any less of you. What matters at the end of the day not how hard you fall, how far you fall, or how often you fall; but the strength and perseverance you show by picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and recognizing that rarely do we get it right the first time, the trick is to keep trying until you find the right way back to your path of hope. You can do this, together we can do this.
Might I suggest something to you? Check out the Sober Tool app. While it may talk a fair bit about God in it, just read the messages with an open mind and take from it what you will. It gives a lot of valuable insight and on the spot tools to help overcome cravings and sort through our feelings in early recovery. I can tell you for me it has helped me work through a lot of the negative emotions I was struggling with early on. It's given me a lot more peace than I even had in years prior to my troubles with alcohol.
And nobody thinks any less of you. What matters at the end of the day not how hard you fall, how far you fall, or how often you fall; but the strength and perseverance you show by picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and recognizing that rarely do we get it right the first time, the trick is to keep trying until you find the right way back to your path of hope. You can do this, together we can do this.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Going to stop typing on this post .. the more I type, the more I worry about what you all will think of it ..
Based on what you have shared with us, I would recommend that you check out AVRT. That technique helps you recognize your addictive voice and separate yourself from it.
Here is a link to Freshstart's thread on the subject
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html
Another suggestion would be for you to look into mindfulness meditation and also see if there is a meeting of Refuge Recovery in your area.
Buddhism is non theistic and that approach would probably click much better for you and meditation will definitely help with your anger.
One thing which I love about Refuge is that they start their meeting with a 20 minute meditation which really helps get come, centered and receptive.
Noah Levine its founder originally got sober in AA but it is through his practice of the dharma that he was able to overcome his anger and to switch things around.
Here is a link to the website
Refuge Recovery ? A BUDDHIST PATH TO RECOVERING FROM ADDICTION
Nature Lover & Plantoholic
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: The Golden State
Posts: 284
Your post made perfect sense to me, a sociable person, but one with absolute road rage. Well, I rage against many things, but as a cyclist & pedestrian, especially against drivers. So much so, that I'm part of a coalition against drivers. Funny that, as a ~ recent alcoholic, eh?
Please don't tell me that any of you text while driving. Not sure what's worse, but I do know which fine is worse.
Please don't tell me that any of you text while driving. Not sure what's worse, but I do know which fine is worse.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
As an active alcoholic I became a very cynical angry and bitter person. I also became very arrogant (at least inwardly - I could never risk someone not liking me)
Now, none of those things are me - but I had to free myself of alcohol's influence to find that out.
It took a while, even after I quit.
Quit and stay quit Grendhar - it's the right road to be on.
I don't think of doing the right thing as humbling myself either (although stupid pride was definitely holding me back)
I think being finally willing to do whatever it took was the day I started to be smart again
If I could do it, you can too
D
Now, none of those things are me - but I had to free myself of alcohol's influence to find that out.
It took a while, even after I quit.
Quit and stay quit Grendhar - it's the right road to be on.
I don't think of doing the right thing as humbling myself either (although stupid pride was definitely holding me back)
I think being finally willing to do whatever it took was the day I started to be smart again
If I could do it, you can too
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by GardenGal 
Your post made perfect sense to me, a sociable person, but one with absolute road rage. Well, I rage against many things, but as a cyclist & pedestrian, especially against drivers. So much so, that I'm part of a coalition against drivers. Funny that, as a ~ recent alcoholic, eh?
Please don't tell me that any of you text while driving. Not sure what's worse, but I do know which fine is worse.
Please don't tell me that any of you text while driving. Not sure what's worse, but I do know which fine is worse.
Nature Lover & Plantoholic
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: The Golden State
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by frankthatdrank
Got a Higher Power? Got a sponsor?
Working on it. Went to my 2nd AA meeting only today.
No worries mate, my brother inherited all the guns.
But thanks nonetheless for the tough love.D, for a couple of years now, I can no longer read much news, and I was a news junkie. What do you think of Bernie?
Nature Lover & Plantoholic
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: The Golden State
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by Dee74
I have learned over many years I'm better off never discussing politics or religion on this site
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I really like Debbie Ford's 21 day consciousness cleanse.
Great stuff for all the issues you are discussing.
Most of us realise at some stage that drinking was just one aspect of our shadow, or whatever you want to call it, and that stopping doesn't make the shadow go away entirely, but it allows us to open our hearts, which gives us the chance to cure.
I find that radical honesty with myself is key.
Great stuff for all the issues you are discussing.
Most of us realise at some stage that drinking was just one aspect of our shadow, or whatever you want to call it, and that stopping doesn't make the shadow go away entirely, but it allows us to open our hearts, which gives us the chance to cure.
I find that radical honesty with myself is key.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Time to learn from it and move on Grendhar.
Maybe this time make a plan?
Previously you said that you were lazy about making a plan. Now you know why it's essential for you. So if you want to continue productively, take Dee's post and start working!
You can do this, but you do need a plan. It's obvious from your post that you don't have proper defenses against the desire to drink.
Don't worry, just work on the plan!
Maybe this time make a plan?
Previously you said that you were lazy about making a plan. Now you know why it's essential for you. So if you want to continue productively, take Dee's post and start working!
You can do this, but you do need a plan. It's obvious from your post that you don't have proper defenses against the desire to drink.
Don't worry, just work on the plan!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: MAYNARD
Posts: 7
You sound exactly like me except I don't even say don't drive to the package store, I just go. I buy cigarettes too which make me sicker than the booze the next day, or it could be 4 days later when I stop...Hundreds of dollars later, missed appointments, disappointments, guilt, regrets, you name it, I manage to screw everything up once I pick up! I just don't care when I start drinking...
When I have the desire to pick up, I put my pj's on and occupy my mind with other things. Sounds crazy, pj's? It isn't for me because I know I will not go out once my pj's are on! lol It works!
When I have the desire to pick up, I put my pj's on and occupy my mind with other things. Sounds crazy, pj's? It isn't for me because I know I will not go out once my pj's are on! lol It works!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Grendhar
Over the years I've become a very angry person. I have become very judgmental of people I see in public. I am a very angry driver. Just about anything people do on the road I can find a reason to be angry.
This has been my general approach to the world for a long time. I feel like it is me vs the world. I only have cared about those in my immediate family.
The last post I wrote about needing to be more humble was what opened my eyes to this. Being angry at the world isn't hurting the world .. it's hurting me.
I don't think I am a sociopath or anything like that .. because when I really stop myself in my tracks and reflect on things like I am doing now .. I do feel a desire to just be at peace with other people and the world in general. Sometimes I do have moments where I feel like helping people .. but it's rare.
I think it's to do with what I've seen said before .. it's hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
As part of my goal to be somewhat normal again I have to
a) Not drink ever again.
b) Make an effort every day to change my negative, toxic thinking about the world and the people in it.
c) Just keep trying to do the next right thing.
I think a major part of my recovery will have to do with becoming less angry and more at peace with my surroundings.
Does this make any sense to anyone? I can't help but feel like I just made myself sound crazy due to the parts of this where I said I don't really like people.
I do like all of you on SR .. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I meant most people.
Going to stop typing on this post .. the more I type, the more I worry about what you all will think of it ..
This has been my general approach to the world for a long time. I feel like it is me vs the world. I only have cared about those in my immediate family.
The last post I wrote about needing to be more humble was what opened my eyes to this. Being angry at the world isn't hurting the world .. it's hurting me.
I don't think I am a sociopath or anything like that .. because when I really stop myself in my tracks and reflect on things like I am doing now .. I do feel a desire to just be at peace with other people and the world in general. Sometimes I do have moments where I feel like helping people .. but it's rare.
I think it's to do with what I've seen said before .. it's hard to love others when you don't love yourself.
As part of my goal to be somewhat normal again I have to
a) Not drink ever again.
b) Make an effort every day to change my negative, toxic thinking about the world and the people in it.
c) Just keep trying to do the next right thing.
I think a major part of my recovery will have to do with becoming less angry and more at peace with my surroundings.
Does this make any sense to anyone? I can't help but feel like I just made myself sound crazy due to the parts of this where I said I don't really like people.
I do like all of you on SR .. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I meant most people.
Going to stop typing on this post .. the more I type, the more I worry about what you all will think of it ..
Welcome to the light. Get comfortable, stay a while. You're gonna love it here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Grendhar, It may have already been said, but those 8 days aren't lost, you did them. Hopefully you learned something from your slip, and can add that as a learning experience. You are still here, still posting. I also think you offer solid advice and think that you should stay active on this site.
Regarding being angry and cynical, I had that in a bad way for a few years. I take medication now, and its (almost) under control. I still get angry, but its usually because its over something I should be angry over, not something trivial. I also stopped being very cynical, its a big world man, lots of sh*t happens. Sometimes we have to let things go. Good luck.
Regarding being angry and cynical, I had that in a bad way for a few years. I take medication now, and its (almost) under control. I still get angry, but its usually because its over something I should be angry over, not something trivial. I also stopped being very cynical, its a big world man, lots of sh*t happens. Sometimes we have to let things go. Good luck.
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