kinzoku

I am six months in, and my av is ....strong.

How is that?

Well I guess I feel a little too much like I've conquered the beast.

I just was watching a podcast and they all cracked open a beer and I thought, I could do that.

But I can't, can I?

Jeesus. I dunno whats going on lately but I keep getting triggered everytime I see a beer in media.

tomsteve

good on ya for 6 months!
6 months in i would still have a difficult time seeing alcohol at the store. the great thing was i had my past to remind me just how awesome havin a drink or 2 wouldnt work and
i had the power to not allow alcohol get into me. i had the power to choose to say no.
im thinkin you are able to choosr,too when ya say this:
"But I can't, can I?"

you have the power to either say no or make your past become your future.

them thoughts happened to me for some time. i think it was about 10 ish months when they subsided greatly.

10+ years in i think about drinking occasionally( like maybe every other month) but my past reminds me how well one or 2 drinks wont work.

Dee74

Don't confuse abstinence for control Kin. They're two very separate things.

You seem a bit stuck at the moment. 6 months is great but it can a little too soon for the full benefits of recovery top materialise and yet long enough for us to forget the bad stuff...

sometimes it can get a little like the mouse hypnotized by the snake waiting to pounce.

You have the power to change this - you're not a hapless mousy victim at the whim of your snakey AV.

Maybe beef up your recovery plan a little? more changes? more support?

Fight back

D

kinzoku

I can choose, thanks tom.

You know the legal defense of 95% burden of proof being on the prosecution? I feel like that's the problem. There is a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I can drink.

That tiny doubt wedges huge cracks in my mental armor.

Maybe that's how it is for many people.

And that doubt gets deeper as time pushes me farther from the last drink I took. Its tough to remember how bad things were sometimes.

kinzoku

Hm, you are right. I've never really even made a recovery plan I guess.

Dee74

Re-read your oldest posts. That's the real reminder of what you've been through

(I just did - I recommend it, Kin).

this link is gold:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

least

Congrats on six months sober!

When I was about 3 months sober, I was still unhappy. It was suggested that I start to practice gratitude every day. So I did. And it became a healthy habit. And now I'm focused on the positives instead of the negatives. Try it. It worked for me

Meraviglioso

I don't have much advice but wanted to lend my support. I am sorry you are having a rough time but I think it is pretty normal.

kinzoku

Looking at old posts: Wow, I can count a hell of a lot of times I started and stopped in my quitting attempts.

That's one sign if nothing else that I can't drink responsibly.

I'll pull a memory out of the bag now as a talismaan against tonights craving, I've downloaded the link to the recovery plans to peruse later.

I remember being in my old apartment two years ago just before a short stint at sobriety which lasted a few weeks.

I remember laying against the wall after having hit my head on the cuboard, hard. I had a bottle of wine in my hand and I was crying and praying. I don't believe in god, but I was praying, cause I was so damn messed up and I didn't have anything or one to turn to.

I remember that feeling of gut wrenching sadness and helplessness and just the knowledge that I was completely out of control.

It's hard to imagine that person was, is, me. But that person is.

I won't be getting a beer tonight.

But these strong flashes of desire and worse, the calculating way in which I try to convince myself its okay to try again, worry me. A lot. I will look into these "recovery plans". I need something.

Mags1

Hi kinzoku and congratulations on 6 months.

I remember being told the adage ' remember when you learnt to cross the road, look right, look left look right again then cross'. We don't think of that every time we cross the road but we have trained ourselves to automatically take precautions before we cross.

Stopping drinking is similar. We arm ourselves with all our 'tools' which work best for us and with time, we automatically bring them out when we have a blip, an urge to drink, which does get less with time, especially if you've kicked it in the butt with your tools before it's had time to try to convince you.

D122y

I crave sometimes...everyday...just a bit....I still have lingering anxiety periodically...everyday....

In the past, anxiety was a green light to get hammered..before I got educated...

I bet the anxiety was normal stress, but then got modified by my use of alcohol at a very young age...

I used to get drunk when I was 5 years old....parents were busy or something...that is probably part of my mental disfunction. Therepy would likely help me. Anyway....

Alcohol is poison. I do not believe the hype.

It ruins us mentally and physically.

The only true freedom for me...is abstinence. Have not been this clean in about 33 years.

Hope this helps. Thanks for the post kin.

MIRecovery

Will power is almost never enough. Long term sobriety is about changing who we were into who we want to be. I know for myself at 6.5 years sober Im fully capable of drinking again. So each day I work on myself. I work on my spirituality, I work on my relationships, I work on my demons, I work on understanding my addictions, I work on my physical health.

Many think that a good life is the result of sobriety. I disagree. Sobriety is the result of a life well lead.

I can say with certainty that if I'm not moving forward I'm moving backwards

happyandfree

I'm sober over 2 years now and I still have those thoughts. They aren't intense cravings, but just thoughts. Triggered by many things.I really don't know if they will ever stop. Drinking has been a habit for most of my life so I think the thoughts are natural for me. When I think of how nice a glass of wine would be.....I say, "no, it wouldn't" and I think it through.

totfit

The key for me was when I think I finally internally fully accepted that my body was just different that those that could drink alcohol successfully. And even those that drink successfully can even have a problem associated with it at some time in their life if for even a night. For me, alcohol is totally a problem. It is just not that big a deal now. I can do somethings others can't do and they can do things I can't. That is just life. I am just "allergic" too it. I really like that analogy. I am just glad I can eat peanut butter cause some can't. I would really miss peanut butter.

Anna

I think it's important to remember how far we've come and to know how easily we could go back there. You said you didn't have a recovery plan and I think you will feel so much better if you can come up with some ideas for times like this when you are tempted, and put them down on paper. Being prepared is a big plus.

Congratulations on 6 months of recovery.

PurpleKnight

6 Months is fantastic!!

Boxer1

"Don't confuse abstinence for control..." Is a quote I will commit to memory. That has been my downfall before and I never consciencely articulated it.