I want to quit - but this AV is a nightmare!!! :(
 

So, in these past two weeks, I decided that I was ready to quit. Or, rather, that I needed to quit. But I'm still in my addiction, and the voice of that is really strong. What is happening also, is that on the 29th I get money. Until then, I've been going a day or two thinking I've quit forever, to thinking "well I'll probably drink one last time on the 29th" and so...I'm finding it hard to hang on to my sobriety. It's like I want to quit for good, but another part of my mind is holding out for when I can actually go buy my last booze (until then, it's taking whatever kinds of drinks I can from roommates - they share within reason - but they don't know my issue - and yes I know I probably shouldn't even be living here but I have nowhere else right now....I should get that sorted I know)

Anyway, My thinking is all like, well if this is going to be one hell of a sh*tstorm to get out of, and once I'm out I'll know I can never go back, then.....I really really want to have that "one last time" before I come out of it.

This is so stupid. I know. But, it's like my mind just knows that on the 29th I can do this. And I hate having this hanging over my head....the urge to just drink then is so strong that I keep hearing a voice in my head as I write this post, saying "why are you even writing this?!? You know you're gonna drink...." so gah. This horrible.

When I DO finally decide that yeah, I'm quitting NOW, I do feel a sense of hope and freedom. But then in a day or two, the cravings will get bad and suddenly I've decided that nothing is worth it and yes, I do want to drink....or atleast, my thinking says if I'm drinking on the 29th, then no point in trying so hard to quit now just to ruin it later.

This is ridiculous. I just wrote a list of 39 reasons that drinking is &%#@ for me. And yet, the instant I'm done, my brain goes "yeah let's drink on the 29th it will be sooooo wonderful!" like, seriously brain? Is my AV really that stupid or ignorant?!

So....am I wasting my time posting here? Maybe. Because again, I feel like I'll drink on monday. But then occasionally a strong wave of cravings will abate for awhile, and I can say "no, I'm never drinking again" but gah, that passes too.....

I don't know. I just needed someone to talk to......someone to hear my struggle. Thanks.

It sounds very complicated to me. Why not make things simple and just quit now?

That's what I keep telling myself!! And then I sigh with relief.
And then I become afraid, quitting knowing that I could have had that ridiculous "one last time"..... gah..... -_-

I need a way to trick my mind.... or something.....

If you see this as an AV thing, then may I suggest learning more about how to recognize your AV, it's called AVRT - Alcoholic Voice Recognition Technique. I suggest this because there is AV all over your post, and some of it you are not aware of yet. Lots of info about AVRT on the Secular Connections forum, lots of support there for you too!

Once you can see the AV in all its guises, it gets easier to see what you need to do. Understand that you are in control of what you do, not some urge to keep drinking, no matter what it will do to you. You can separate what you want from IT.

You can do this thing. Keep posting, OK?

I hope you get your AV under control, seems your over obsessing right now. I wish you good luck on quitting. Stay here for support.

Hi Layali

My AV never quit with rationalisation reasons and excuses to quit tomorrow rather than today...end result was I never did until I nearly pushed things too far and died.

The best way to cut the AV out of the decision is simply to quit. Right now.

find the support you need to stick to that decision and use it. Make the lifestyle changes you need to make.

I know..when you think about it it's scary.
But, as someone who's been there, that's not really a good enough reason to continue drinking.

There's no reason why you can;t quit today and stay that way :)

D

More like you need a plan and let your sober mind see the tricks

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Thank you all who have commented. Yes, it is so so scary....
I think I remember reading about AVRT before a bit. Sometimes when I want to quit I say "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind" well - I try to say it - depending on how strong the addiction is, I usually never get halfway through the sentence. It's like a gauge of how strong this voice is - doesn't want me to even say it!!! It trembles in fear. This is crazy. I start to get all uncertain, when I try to say that....like.....never?? REALLY??!?!? But but but, what about some time in the future...... ugh. That is my AV, right? I should read up more on this.

Thank you for the links, soberwolf. I'm checking them out now.

Thanks Dee. I have to remember that even if I had that one last time, that it probably wouldn't be one last time. I've done this so many times before, I should know by now.... Even if I had an "incredible" one last drink, then what? Why would I not want to just do that the next day, too? What would be different? It's like my AV is trying to trick me into one last time, every time. Tricky sneaky devil lol.

I have to remember all the things I did last time I quit for almost 5 months (4 months if you don't count being in hospital pumped with drugs). I was on a roll until the hospital times (not really related to drinking). I had so many skills and things in my bag. My metaphorical magical bag like Hermione had in HP. I kept whipping things out whenever I had a craving. Sometimes certain kinds od self talk, or images to keep in mind, things to do, people to talk to, places to go, etc. I need to remember all these things and gather them all into my bag again. I'm in the process of doing that now.

Ok I shall stop rambling. I ramble a lot. I'm supposed to be putting this rambling talk into use by writing my stories that are so very close to my heart. I have been putting that off for so long because of my anxiety. But I just have to do it. So! :23:
(Is there a writing emote??)

Have you tried AA? It has really helped me. I relate to everything you wrote. I realized how sick I was when I realized my mind was making me do what I didn't want to do...I didn't want to drink and I felt like I had to...I just had to! And then I would drink and hate myself. AA and big book step study helped me to quit drinking for good!

You will be able to quit for good when you want to be sober more than you want to drink. :)

Layali,

I’ve been in similar situations myself. I’ve found it best to consider my desires and my intentions.

With respect to desire, philosophers seem to agree that the fundamental human desire is this: the experience of happiness, or joy, or contentment - or something along similar lines - and the maximization of such, i.e., we desire to experience such things as often as we can.

Because I found this notion highly agreeable - even indisputable - whenever I found myself plagued with temptations (or the AV), I simply ask myself:

“Would craving in to this temptation serve my fundamental human desire for joy? Would it serve to maximize my experience of happiness?”

I also ask:

“Would craving in to this temptation serve to deny me my fundamental desire for the experience of joy? Would it threaten the maximization of my experience of happiness? "

And also:

“Would submitting to this temptation provide an authentic happiness? If I were intoxicated, could I be fully present in this happiness? Wouldn’t the sorrow that always follows my giving in to this temptation undermine the maximization of my happiness - i.e., wouldn’t it inevitably involve the loss of some period of happiness and replace this with sorrow and regret instead, in the days, weeks, months, or years ahead?”

The next step is simply to state my intention.

Layali,
The 29th is 4 days from now. It would be so cool if you were 4 days further sober at that point. You could use the money for a nice gift to yourself!
I second everyone when they say....call it a day on drinking now.

I want to thank you, so much, for this. I'm going to carry this quote around with me. I'll be facing something similar to Layali shortly after the 1st of the month and have been having some difficulty coming up with a plan. I'll be running out of food by then and will need to go to the grocery store. I'll need to walk past the beer and the wine. I'm going to handwrite that quote on top of my grocery list.

Layali, I think your AV will continue to mess with your mind until you firmly close the door on drinking and never look back. If you drink on the 29th, do you really believe your mindset will change on the 1st of March to never drinking again. I kind of doubt it, because that's the nature of this disease. It uses any and every opportunity to manipulate. Stop now, today, and promise yourself a small gift on the 29th - something you've been looking forward to buying, a treat for yourself. :)

Yes and No. The AV only knows one thing - that you need alcohol to survive. It is entirely wrong about that, but it will never stop trying to convince you of it.

My house is really really dirty. So unsanitary it's a health problem. I am going to clean it on March 1st, so on Feb 29th I am planning to have a truck full of garbage dumped into my living room. I'd hate to miss that one last opportunity to have big garbage in my house.

Alcoholic logic - been there, done that.

Best of Luck on Your Journey. :ring

No matter what remember you have us you won't be doing it alone x

You're in my thoughts, Auggie, as this day approaches.

I most sincerely hope it goes well for you. And I hope you'll update us/me with a post or private message.

Hi Layali,

Just checking in to see how things went today. Hopefully you are doing well, and treated yourself to a yummy dessert, or perhaps saved the money you would have spent on alcohol for something you would like.

❤️ Delilah