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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
It feels as though I am in debt every day to a bottle of something. I cannot stop once I start. It is really, really rough. I can't get out of drinking. This all started when my husband decided that I was okay and decided to buy some spirits. I have a delayed response to alcohol. I can't metabolize it like other people. I drink something then get ridiculously drunk an hour afterward.
I have to say that I am getting really sick of talking about myself. I have tested everyone's patience here. I am going to stop, make a taper schedule, get to the serious business of life. I really wanted to drink more last night, but I didn't. I couldn't, because I promised myself.
Thank you all for honing in on the depression and stubbornness. I do not believe I have ever been as honest as I have been on this thread. Pretending is what I do best.
I have to say that I am getting really sick of talking about myself. I have tested everyone's patience here. I am going to stop, make a taper schedule, get to the serious business of life. I really wanted to drink more last night, but I didn't. I couldn't, because I promised myself.
Thank you all for honing in on the depression and stubbornness. I do not believe I have ever been as honest as I have been on this thread. Pretending is what I do best.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
I have to agree with Mike, you should try getting medical supervision for your health sake. I understand that will be extremely hard for you but it might be the best.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hey Pouncer I just want to let you know I had the same fear of doctors they never help right ? I know exactly what you mean & how you feel about that
That's one of things I highlighted at SR as I think there are a lot of us like that but here's the thing although I had bad experiences with bad Dr's I was never really getting help and only I suffered by the time I lost all faith in drs I was neck deep in my alcoholism I would consider myself a lost cause at that time and I wasn't trying to find a good Dr I had lost hope & at one point didn't care if I died or not
When I sobered up I knew.. .. I knew I had to get help from a Dr for my battered body & mind for help with staying accountable and to really tackle my alcoholism
It was one of the best decisions I've ever made I have regular Dr's who I see & although thier not trained in alcoholism they have helped me solve a serious nearly year long ear infection, alopecia, arthritis & most recently CBT therapy & I'm getting tested to rule out a condition like chrohns etc
I'm only 33 but all these problems have been solved & are still getting solved because I sought out a good Dr I knew I needed help
I just want you to know you don't have to open up to anyone but drs are so helpful (not all of them are but you will find good Dr's)
It was the Drs at my hospital who got me group therapy sessions and got me in contact with an alcoholic outreach team
The sooner the better is my advice as I've been where you are & I know it gets better it really really does
peace
That's one of things I highlighted at SR as I think there are a lot of us like that but here's the thing although I had bad experiences with bad Dr's I was never really getting help and only I suffered by the time I lost all faith in drs I was neck deep in my alcoholism I would consider myself a lost cause at that time and I wasn't trying to find a good Dr I had lost hope & at one point didn't care if I died or not
When I sobered up I knew.. .. I knew I had to get help from a Dr for my battered body & mind for help with staying accountable and to really tackle my alcoholism
It was one of the best decisions I've ever made I have regular Dr's who I see & although thier not trained in alcoholism they have helped me solve a serious nearly year long ear infection, alopecia, arthritis & most recently CBT therapy & I'm getting tested to rule out a condition like chrohns etc
I'm only 33 but all these problems have been solved & are still getting solved because I sought out a good Dr I knew I needed help
I just want you to know you don't have to open up to anyone but drs are so helpful (not all of them are but you will find good Dr's)
It was the Drs at my hospital who got me group therapy sessions and got me in contact with an alcoholic outreach team
The sooner the better is my advice as I've been where you are & I know it gets better it really really does
peace
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Please, please, please tell me your life is hard. That you want to drink everyday, but you don't because: X, Y, Z...
no, Pouncer, i'm not gonna tell you that. because it's not so.
i get that you wanted to hear from people who understand where you're at, and you did get those responses.
what you also got, in those very same responses, was the deliberate effort that people made to change their perception, the focus and frame-work of how they/we see our lives and ourselves in them.
this, also, may sound like Hallmark Recovery BS to you.
i can tell you that my life is doable without major suffering. not because it's my life vs yours but because of how i've learned to live it. in general.
and no, i don't want to drink every day. far from it. in fact, i never want to drink, need to drink or wish i "could".
occasionally, i get triggered. but triggers don't cause drinking. if they did, hardly anyone would be sober.
they don't.
this is doable.
i'm glad you're still here, Pouncer, hanging in and posting.
no, Pouncer, i'm not gonna tell you that. because it's not so.
i get that you wanted to hear from people who understand where you're at, and you did get those responses.
what you also got, in those very same responses, was the deliberate effort that people made to change their perception, the focus and frame-work of how they/we see our lives and ourselves in them.
this, also, may sound like Hallmark Recovery BS to you.
i can tell you that my life is doable without major suffering. not because it's my life vs yours but because of how i've learned to live it. in general.
and no, i don't want to drink every day. far from it. in fact, i never want to drink, need to drink or wish i "could".
occasionally, i get triggered. but triggers don't cause drinking. if they did, hardly anyone would be sober.
they don't.
this is doable.
i'm glad you're still here, Pouncer, hanging in and posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Wow, Pretty brutal and what I need to hear, Fini.
I just took my first "dose" of the day after I packed up my daughter's lunch. Pretty glamorous, right? It gets even better: I barfed it all up because I couldn't stand the instant rush of sugar and/or alcohol.
I am actually considering (just considering) seeing a doctor. I think I would be okay with it if I knew the doctor would be compassionate, not judgmental. I need compassion right now. My husband was so sweet last night when I pulled out the hidden bottles in my closet. He said, "This doesn't **** me off."
Yep. There is all kinds of leakage.
Here is something fun to get my mind off of Donald Trump:
I just took my first "dose" of the day after I packed up my daughter's lunch. Pretty glamorous, right? It gets even better: I barfed it all up because I couldn't stand the instant rush of sugar and/or alcohol.
I am actually considering (just considering) seeing a doctor. I think I would be okay with it if I knew the doctor would be compassionate, not judgmental. I need compassion right now. My husband was so sweet last night when I pulled out the hidden bottles in my closet. He said, "This doesn't **** me off."
Yep. There is all kinds of leakage.
Here is something fun to get my mind off of Donald Trump:
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 451
I was so afraid to go to the doctor for the same reasons...I finally HAD to go after an uninvited ER trip because I was in a blackout and my family called 911 because I was not responding (my BAC was .45! yikes!). I was literally "forced" by my situation to go to the Dr. because now my husband knew this is a "real problem" and I was not going to be able to back out of seeing the Dr. as the ER directed.
Luckily, my husband was kind and compassionate about it...which helped a lot. I was terrified for him to go with me to face this ugly truth, but he requested to be there. I really considering finding an appointment that would conflict with our daughter's schedule on purpose so that he couldn't go. But I decided to "let him in" and we went to the Dr. together.
The nurse could not have been more understanding. When I admitted what happened over the weekend, she said "been there and done it with my husband"...I felt so relieved.
The Dr. was very compassionate. He was better than I ever would have thought. I did not plan on asking for medications, etc. but he did guide me through his recommendations on that and it has made a world of difference from my previous attempts to quit silently inside my own little bubble.
BTW, I also have what they diagnosed as "complicated" or "complex" migraines and I get all of the crazy symptoms with them. The tinging fingers that travel up the arms, tingly tongue, loss of vision, loss of speech, etc. My neurologist is helping manage those and the meds he has given me are very helpful at preventing them from happening without undesirable side effects.
I've had my share of bad doctors before too but I didn't give up and found good ones now. So don't lose the fight to try to find a good doctor because they do really exist! :-)
Luckily, my husband was kind and compassionate about it...which helped a lot. I was terrified for him to go with me to face this ugly truth, but he requested to be there. I really considering finding an appointment that would conflict with our daughter's schedule on purpose so that he couldn't go. But I decided to "let him in" and we went to the Dr. together.
The nurse could not have been more understanding. When I admitted what happened over the weekend, she said "been there and done it with my husband"...I felt so relieved.
The Dr. was very compassionate. He was better than I ever would have thought. I did not plan on asking for medications, etc. but he did guide me through his recommendations on that and it has made a world of difference from my previous attempts to quit silently inside my own little bubble.
BTW, I also have what they diagnosed as "complicated" or "complex" migraines and I get all of the crazy symptoms with them. The tinging fingers that travel up the arms, tingly tongue, loss of vision, loss of speech, etc. My neurologist is helping manage those and the meds he has given me are very helpful at preventing them from happening without undesirable side effects.
I've had my share of bad doctors before too but I didn't give up and found good ones now. So don't lose the fight to try to find a good doctor because they do really exist! :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
I want to say one more thing: Progressive.
Alcoholism is progressive. I have no idea what progress I will make in a year if I keep this up. Just worms eating my decaying body -- that's about it. There is no future for me if I keep drinking.
Alcoholism is progressive. I have no idea what progress I will make in a year if I keep this up. Just worms eating my decaying body -- that's about it. There is no future for me if I keep drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
fini had some excellent words there.
is recovery hard?
gettin sober was the hardest friggin thing i have ever done. fighting the craving,compulsion, and obsession was down to one second at a time many days. i wasnt only getting sober, but learning about me and how to live life on lifes terms, so there was a crapload of pretty frustrating days.
but as promised that if i put in the footwork to change me and my attitudes it would get easier.
staying sober has been easy. no more desire to drink. yeah, i think about drinking every now and then, but i put in a crapton of footwork to get where i am and i do not want to experience the feeling i had the day after my last drunk(desperation) or the feeling i had while drinking(gloom,dispair, and agony).
you, can get and stay sober,too. just gotta Make a decision ya want to be sober and yer willing to do whatever is necessary to get it.
is recovery hard?
gettin sober was the hardest friggin thing i have ever done. fighting the craving,compulsion, and obsession was down to one second at a time many days. i wasnt only getting sober, but learning about me and how to live life on lifes terms, so there was a crapload of pretty frustrating days.
but as promised that if i put in the footwork to change me and my attitudes it would get easier.
staying sober has been easy. no more desire to drink. yeah, i think about drinking every now and then, but i put in a crapton of footwork to get where i am and i do not want to experience the feeling i had the day after my last drunk(desperation) or the feeling i had while drinking(gloom,dispair, and agony).
you, can get and stay sober,too. just gotta Make a decision ya want to be sober and yer willing to do whatever is necessary to get it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Are you still going to SMART, or does it just last for a set period of time? Just strikes me that if that was helping, why stop going?
I don't know if you read my earlier post in entirety as this thread has got pretty busy. Anyway, I mentioned that Willingness is pretty vital if we want to recover. All those 'I know I should but I won't...' things. They could be a real straightforward start to your Willingness list. If you won't find the willingness to change things, then there won't BE change. (As Hallmark probably say: If nothing changes, nothing changes
)And that might mean not getting sober. Or it might mean staying sober for short miserable bursts. No-one can come and do this stuff for us to get things going. We have to do it for ourselves, and it doesn't matter how much empathy is available for us if we're not going to do the things that we know are necessary.
I don't know if you read my earlier post in entirety as this thread has got pretty busy. Anyway, I mentioned that Willingness is pretty vital if we want to recover. All those 'I know I should but I won't...' things. They could be a real straightforward start to your Willingness list. If you won't find the willingness to change things, then there won't BE change. (As Hallmark probably say: If nothing changes, nothing changes
)And that might mean not getting sober. Or it might mean staying sober for short miserable bursts. No-one can come and do this stuff for us to get things going. We have to do it for ourselves, and it doesn't matter how much empathy is available for us if we're not going to do the things that we know are necessary.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Pouncer....me again. I've been to work, come home and am just about to turn around and go back out again to try some mediation class.
I suffer from anxiety and it is really bad right now, it has been since my relapse. I wake up every morning and I want to be sick. I have to sort of chunk my day up into manageable pieces and make myself a little schedule. Get up. Pack lunch. Go to work.....I tell myself I can always make an excuse to come home at lunchtime if I can't manage it...I write things down all the time to remind myself to do the basics..'.make sure you eat' being one of them.
It takes every bit of effort I have to fight the darkness that threatens to overwhelm me, and little things make all the difference to my day. One of my friends sends me a little recovery reading every day, and you have no idea how much I look forward to that now.
I put one foot in front of the other and every day I make it through is one step further away from a drink.
I would do anything to stop this killing me.
Pouncer, you deserve to live and you deserve to be happy. You have lots of issues, I understand that. Me too. But I KNOW there is a better way to live.
This is a fight for your life. Don't throw it away ❤️
I suffer from anxiety and it is really bad right now, it has been since my relapse. I wake up every morning and I want to be sick. I have to sort of chunk my day up into manageable pieces and make myself a little schedule. Get up. Pack lunch. Go to work.....I tell myself I can always make an excuse to come home at lunchtime if I can't manage it...I write things down all the time to remind myself to do the basics..'.make sure you eat' being one of them.
It takes every bit of effort I have to fight the darkness that threatens to overwhelm me, and little things make all the difference to my day. One of my friends sends me a little recovery reading every day, and you have no idea how much I look forward to that now.
I put one foot in front of the other and every day I make it through is one step further away from a drink.
I would do anything to stop this killing me.
Pouncer, you deserve to live and you deserve to be happy. You have lots of issues, I understand that. Me too. But I KNOW there is a better way to live.
This is a fight for your life. Don't throw it away ❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Beccy, I stopped SMART because it was hard. All of the internal stuff, being inside my own head, it just felt so narcissistic. But, now, here I am: more narcissistic than before. Pretty sad.
I think the major thing that I need to realize is there is no such thing as balance, or the perfect balance. I try too hard to be perfect, so much so, that I am utterly paralyzed. I don't want to get out of bed. Literally. I stopped being a person. Besides the diabetes, the depression, the Asperger's -- all of that -- the main trigger issue for me was being sick. I got sepsis because my inconsiderate sister-in-law got me and the extended family sick. She knows I am immunocompromised, that I do not have a spleen, she started complaining about an airline passenger getting her sick in the cabin whilst coughing ALL OVER ME in an enclosed automobile. It really felt s***ty to be sick for that long, seeing other people improve while my condition just got worse. It really sucks to be broken.
I think the major thing that I need to realize is there is no such thing as balance, or the perfect balance. I try too hard to be perfect, so much so, that I am utterly paralyzed. I don't want to get out of bed. Literally. I stopped being a person. Besides the diabetes, the depression, the Asperger's -- all of that -- the main trigger issue for me was being sick. I got sepsis because my inconsiderate sister-in-law got me and the extended family sick. She knows I am immunocompromised, that I do not have a spleen, she started complaining about an airline passenger getting her sick in the cabin whilst coughing ALL OVER ME in an enclosed automobile. It really felt s***ty to be sick for that long, seeing other people improve while my condition just got worse. It really sucks to be broken.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 451
Pouncer,
I have not personally seen a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've had one good psychologist in the past but last attempts didn't go very well and now my insurance has become an issue...no one is in network...grrrrr....
So I am working with a primary physician...he did recommend a psychiatrist for medication management, but she was out of network. So right now he is managing the meds and he managed my withdrawal period (and I have the neurologist for the migraine issue).
Although the primary doctor I see is a general doctor (e.g. not an addiction specialist), he was very aware of the detox protocols and I think he has seen it all.
He was very reassuring as well...I was hesitant to use meds for this but he helped persuade me that although of course my "issues" are emotional and psychological, some are physiological in nature. He reasoned that if the meds could help relieve the burden of say...40% of what I'm dealing with so I can focus on the other 60%, why not give that a chance...and he challenged me that since I've tried on my own before without success, what do I have to lose?
I couldn't argue with his logic :-)
I have not personally seen a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've had one good psychologist in the past but last attempts didn't go very well and now my insurance has become an issue...no one is in network...grrrrr....
So I am working with a primary physician...he did recommend a psychiatrist for medication management, but she was out of network. So right now he is managing the meds and he managed my withdrawal period (and I have the neurologist for the migraine issue).
Although the primary doctor I see is a general doctor (e.g. not an addiction specialist), he was very aware of the detox protocols and I think he has seen it all.
He was very reassuring as well...I was hesitant to use meds for this but he helped persuade me that although of course my "issues" are emotional and psychological, some are physiological in nature. He reasoned that if the meds could help relieve the burden of say...40% of what I'm dealing with so I can focus on the other 60%, why not give that a chance...and he challenged me that since I've tried on my own before without success, what do I have to lose?
I couldn't argue with his logic :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
What meds did he give you? I was on a low dose of Valium for PTSD a few months ago. It was the best I ever felt. I felt like I could handle anything. I went shopping, pretty much enjoyed life without fear.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
I also pay out-of-pocket with my psychiatrist. I rrreally don't want to see him. He once gave me an Asperger's test meant to test kids. He said that Asperger's didn't really affect adults and that it was an unusual request. He had no idea how to test women with Asperger's. I don't trust him and I don't think I like him.
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