Bunny211

I want to thank you for your post because you accurately described what it feels like in early sobriety.

The one thing that helped me was a sponsor. I got a sponsor well versed in the big book of AA. I thought she was a nazi. I had to call her at the same time each day. She gave me tasks to complete. She gave me a schedule. She called me out on my BS. She'd hang up the phone on me when I started whining. She saved my life. I needed someone to put me on a leash and DRAG my whining, miserable a** into useful, sober living. Because I absolutely, 100% could NOT get there by myself. No way. This woman literally dragged my sorry a**, whining and screaming, out of the hell in which I was living and into the light. That's my advice for you. Go to AA. Be honest. Tell them that you hate sobriety. Tell them that you don't think you can do this. Ask for help. Get a sponsor. Life is worth living. It really is!!

Pouncer

Yes, I see a psychiatrist regularly, but I did skip my last quarterly appointment sometime around when I started drinking. I stopped taking my Wellbutrin and Prozac - and Vyvanse before I relapsed. Not easy for me to go to a doctor. I have Asperger's on top of everything. I hate going to my appointments. I have constant anxiety.

I did do something insane last night. I RSVPd for an event on an local Asperger's forum for adults. Stupid, I know. I like other Aspies, but it is a really big deal for me to do this. I wonder if I will actually go. I want to duck out of it already.

MikeM

To me, someone who is in a place that you are in, quarterly appointments are not nearly often enough. I used to go every two weeks.

Also, it would be smart to go to your doctor and explain the situation. Get you out of this. Maybe more treatment, maybe drugs medication. Or both. But make clear that alcoholism interfered with your treatment and have them help you with that.

If the Asperger's forum is too much for you right now, you can always go once you have your treatment back on track. I think the treatment is the key to everything.

Pouncer

The psychiatrist is my medical doctor. I do not see him for talk therapy, he is there for medical management. I do not like talk therapy - my doctor says that for some people it can be contraindicated. It turns me into a liar -- a performer. I will never open up. I do not want to open up to anyone in that way. It is disgusting.

I am going to fill up my weekly pill box, take the goddamned pills. Yuck.

MikeM

Ok. Did you reconnect with your doctor to discuss the situation though?

Pouncer

Nope. I skipped the last appointment and didn't reschedule. I am too afraid to go.

Pouncer

I should also mention that the main trigger (besides Donald Trump) was migraines. I get auras really bad, like I am having a stroke, and I have to take an abortive medication. It floods your brain with Seratonin. One day, I got really worried that I would get seratonin syndrome and stopped taking the Wellbutrin -- then I stopped taking the Prozac and the Vyvanse. I have a hard time with Vyvanse, it makes me sleepy, but I get nothing done without it (like forgetting to take my pills). I also get really depressed.

MikeM

Given your last two messages, I think it's very important that you do see your doctor.

You say that you are afraid to contact him. What is it that you're afraid of?

Pouncer

Judgement...inconveniencing him...

MikeM

Well, it's his job. If it inconveniences him, he should consider a career change...

Judgement. Has he placed judgement on you before?

Pouncer

I would have no idea if he did. I have have Asperger's; I am completely, stupidly people-blind. It sucks. I have a very good trait in all of this - it is that I am very logical, even though I am not exercising that part of myself right now. I know logically that I should go to see my doctor, that it is his job, yada, yada...I just...I just, won't.

MikeM

I feel for you. Really, I do.

What I'm interested in is when you say: "I just...I just, won't."

It sounds like there is more than fear there if you get blocked that way.

thomas11

Hey Pounder, great to see you back. I can't offer anything more to what has been offered, but I want to let you know I support you 100%. You can get better, you KNOW you can get better, but f*ck yeah, its hard. No question about it.

For example, I had to sell my business last fall, and since then I've been sitting on my butt. In the next couple weeks I'm going to have to pull the trigger and get back to living life. Its going to be hard, very hard. But I'm going to do it, I guarantee it. I have the plan all laid out, I know exactly what its going to entail. Anyway, it sounds like you've got a wonderful life, make it "wonderfuler".

Pouncer

Thomas, you are still here? Wow. I was just thinking about you. I am glad to see you are still alive, actually. You had some close moments.

Thanks for understanding. I am really sorry to hear that you had to sell your business. That is rough - I can't imagine what that must've felt like.

360startstoday

I get those same migraines as you. It really can be overwhelming huh? One thing that I've noticed, with being sober, is that they are less intense now. And my anxiety about them and the feelings of "stroke" are also less intense and I am able to be more logical in my reaction and handling of them. I used to drink it away, where I really didn't care what I was feeling.

I also did the "I know me and I just won't thing".... That held me back, I held myself back because I knew me so well that "me" couldn't and wouldn't sober up, or go to a doctor. I don't like them and I'm sure they don't like me! But the thing is.... I had to change my attitude about it and my thinking. I know how stubborn I am. So why can't I switch that around to... I know I can be sober, I know I won't drink, I just can't. I know I have to go to the Dr. Because I can't keep thinking I'm dying and being anxious and worry about it. I can and will live, I just can't let myself die.

You are stubborn, change the stubbornness in the opposite direction of now and you will succeed. Your stubbornness is your friend if you change the focus from I'm miserable to. I will live and I will be sober and it will be awesome!

Pouncer

I do want to be sober. I just will have to do it slowly and think about it, first.

MikeM

Logically you know it's best if you get sober. So once you get to the point where you decide to take action, what are you going to do?

Also, how much do you drink right now?

Pouncer

Six units a day. Maybe seven. I have Type-1 diabetes, so there's that.

MikeM

Then it is very important that you quit under medical supervision. I know you don't like that. And that you're afraid. But if you don't quit, to but it bluntly, you might end up with something to truly be scared about.

Detox and rehab. Start asap. It's your life that's at stake here.

I think I won't give any more advice since your situation is so complicated that I feel that only professionals can really help you.

I do wish you luck and strength though!

Upward2Enlightenment

Please be careful about stopping medication without first discussing it with your doctor, especially antidepressants. That can be very dangerous. Usually they ween people off slowly.

I hope things work out.