Jeni26

I haven't read all the replies, but I totally understand your pain.

I relapsed just over 3 weeks ago. I have been crippled with anxiety and despair since then. I've wanted to die. I've wanted to get in my car and run away from my life. I've just wanted to scream and cry about how hopeless I was, and how hopeless the situation was.

But I reached out to people I knew understood and I've started rebuilding. I'm still at the panicky stage and I'm so scared...but I've picked myself up and am walking again. I'm focusing on my recovery and doing everything I can to get well. I'm doing things I hate doing, things that make me feel uncomfortable, but I can't stop at anything this time.

This will kill me if I let it. And I'm not going down without a fight.

Don't give up. I won't ❤️

Upward2Enlightenment

Sometimes you have to try several counselors before you find one that is right for you. That is the real trick, finding one that is right for you.

Dee74

Pouncer I get you're angry and resentful. I get that cynicism has become the default for you.

I get that you feel let down by what you see as 'recovery BS'

But noone here has any reason at all to lie to you.

Recovery is possible.

But it depends a lot on whether you believe that, and whether you're prepared to work for it.

Don't overcomplicate this. Recovery starts with the absence of booze.

Toss out any you have at home and don't buy anymore. Don't let other people buy you anymore either
.
Stay away from events where alcohol will be served for a while.

When this gets rough, and it will - use the support you'll find here or in other places like AA or some other group, dr, counsellor, even rehab.

If you have other issues that interplay with your addiction address those too.

Some days it may not be pretty - you may get to the end of the day without much grace or poise - but you will get there and but you can stay sober.

I ended up an all day every day drinker. Stopping was the hardest thing I ever did because as a disabled guy 'if you had a life like mine...' seemed a pretty valid reason.

But I didn't want to die, and drinking was dragging me there.

More than that I didn't want to die *like that*.

I knew I could do more with the life I'd been given...and it turns out I was right.

No BS, no spin, no slogan.

I believe you can do this - because I did this, Pouncer.

D

Pouncer

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for understanding. I just want to know that I am not the only one. Thank you for sharing -- it means so much.

Pouncer

Dee, thank you so much for this response. A year ago I remember a thread called. "Mod be rollin'" or something like that.

It really helps me to talk to disabled people. I think it is the source of my internal strife. I cannot get over the Darwin themes of life, in general.

The thing is, I cannot f*** this up. I have a great life: the most loving, un-abandoning, handsome husband; beautiful, sweet children who love me despite the pain I have made them endure; a wonderful house, complete with two adoring canines...I am a very fortunate person who just needs to understand what fortune means.

Thank you all for caring and responding -- especially those with tougher responses that I need to hear.

Dee74

Ask me now and I'll tell you I have a great life

The thing was it's not that much different in a lot of ways to the life I had as a drinker. The same hurdles are there and were there ever before I took a drink.

But I'm the difference. I want to live the hell out of each day.

Darwins just a city in the Northern Territory to me

You don't need to muck this up.

Thats the great thing - all you need to do is not pour alcohol down your neck again.

Simple - not easy...but simple.

All the support, encouragement, ideas, and hope you need is right here in SR, and places and groups like it.

My recovery's been two phase. The first phase was stop drinking.
The second phase is make a life I love.

Again - I did that.

You can too

D

Steely

It is very worrying Pouncer. Let's keep building bridges not walls.

Pouncer

LOL, Steely! Thank you for your sense of humor.

Pouncer

Thank you for talking about the second phase. Thank you: that part is so hard.

Pouncer

I have received so many compassionate responses, I do not know how to respond. Thank you all, for being so kind. I have so much love and hope in my heart because of you all.

Deckard

I know how you feel, Pouncer, and you are not the only one. When I first stopped drinking I felt very isolated and alone. Then, I started reading the Big Book and I identified so strongly with the experiences as described in it, especially the personal stories section at the end. What I thought was my own private problem was right there on those pages in specific, granular detail. I found that profoundly comforting. I was struck by one passage in particular: "Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds." Hundreds! Then, I found SR and I came to see how true that is. I hope you never feel you are the only one... all you have to do is take a look at SR to know that you are not!

Pouncer

Can I just say that being drunk is awesome? It is. I really is-- until you start measuring life by the years and not by the days. Yes. I want to be drunk. That would be cool: for two hours and not when I have to wake up.

Dee74

I don't know what else to tell you Pouncer.

Getting sober is a leap of faith into the dark with no net...and it will take a little while for you to really see you've made the right choice.

It is worth it but until you make that leap of faith...you won't discover that the joy of being sober leaves the chemical exultation of booze for dead.

I know you've tried before.
I know the early recovery period seems interminable.
I know you had trouble finding the right support, and I know it seems like nothing will ever change for you.

But really whats the alternative?

you've given years to drinking...perhaps it's time to accept that doesn't work and give a few months over to another way?

D

least

You have to learn to like yourself and consider yourself worthy of love. I had the help of a wonderful counselor to help me in my journey back to liking myself.

I had to be sober for a while for my alcoholic thinking to stop and to be able to treat myself with the respect I deserve.

When I first got sober, I was miserable. Unhappy. And then someone suggested that I make a gratitude list every day. Give thanks for the good things in my life.

At first, that was really hard to do. But I forced myself to be thankful for something every day, no matter how small. But after a while it became easier. And by focusing on the positive and not the negative, I slowly changed my attitude.

Now I love my life and wake up each morning grateful for the new day. The change didn't happen overnight, it took a while, but it did happen.

I hope you can stop drinking long enough for your head to clear and for you to start liking yourself again. You are worthy of your own love.

strategery

I dunno. Being drunk really isn't that awesome and came with a heavy price. Many of the things I used booze to escape from were still there when I got out of that haze, and only added to everything I was dealing with. Looking back, booze did a horrible job of accomplishing what I used it for.

The booze wrecked my self-worth and my life at night revolved around what I was going to drink, when I was going to drink etc. I was a prisoner to alcohol and spent years on it I will never get back. You can break free too.

Soberwolf

This thread is full of awesome advice

MikeM

I haven't had time to read all the replies. One thing comes to mind though: have you considered seeing a doctor to see if you are depressed and/or have any other mental health issues?

sg1970

Recovery is very hard but not impossible. What if I told you that I could have posted everything you have posted in this thread over a year ago. But that today I have a completely different attitude and outlook. I have more self respect, self confidence, and peace than I have ever had in my life including the time before I started drinking.

How did that happen? I didn't just quit drinking. I also changed or avoided any aspect of life that I associated with alcohol or that created negativity. Including reading news articles, watching politics, grilling, certain music, etc... Granted you can't change everything but there are some things you can avoid for awhile. And as you get better you can slowly integrate what you want back in.
I also focused on my kids and family. And lastly I dove headfirst into recovery with an open mind. I listened, read, asked, and absorbed without dismissing anything.

Was it easy? Heck no. It was the hardest thing I have done in my entire life. But it was also the most rewarding thing. There were days I felt like I was going crazy. Days when I laid down at 8 and tried to go to sleep so I could get the thought of drinking out of my head. The easiest thing would have been to picked alcohol back up again.

You have to put work into this but it is not bulls**t and it is not impossible.

FormerWineGirl

Hi pounced, I am so sorry you are having a tough time.

MikeM mentioned something that I was also going to as you about. Have you suffered from depression in the past? I The reason I ask is that it is a subject which, like alcoholism, I have a lot of experience with. Many alcoholics suffer from "dual diagnosis", which can be a number of issues associated with alcoholism.

Maybe that doesn't pertain to you, I hope it doesn't. But honestly, I don't know how I could have successfully became sober if my depression had not been under control.

Just a thought, for what it's worth. If you think there is a possibility that something else may be going on with you, please get checked out. To quit drinking is hard enough on it's own.

MikeM

I've been depressed and have been around a lot of depressed people for a long time. Something about the original post made me think: "Depression". But I do not want to exclude anything else, so it's best if the doctor does an evaluation.