Maffers

Nothing in life worth a damn is...

Pouncer

Thank you for that sentiment. It brought (bringing) tears to my eyes.

You are right. I think you are so right.

Thanks.

Berrybean

I think you know we're not full of the alleged BS. We're doing it. And you can as well.

Sounds like your plan needs an overhaul. Maybe have a think back on: What you have tried, that maybe worked, and gradually stopped being part of your daily routine (I think that happens to a lot of us - we find things that help, then when they work and we feel better we think we don't need to do them any more, or just get busy and forget to do them); And things that you have not been willing to try, and ask yourself if you can find the willingness to try some of them.
For example, have you tried accessing an organised recovery program, such as SMART or AA at all? Meditation? Gratitude lists? Urge surfing? If you want some constructive help on here, perhaps you could tell us what your recovery plan has included so far, and when the tricky times and places are for you. One thing I know about this place is that people will always help if they can.

I hope you feel more positive soon. Please stop listening to your AVs defeatist lies - you CAN do this.

Pouncer

I have done SMART (which has been the most helpful), urge-surfing, pretty much anything you can imagine or put on a Hallmark card.

It is hard. Hard. Very hard.

I think that a lot of what I do and why I do it is because I don't want to be alive. How do you fix that?

-P

Thumpalumpacus

Hiya Pouncer, I think we can do this. Give 'er another shot.

And I've got blue eyes, so I'm at least a quart low.

Pouncer

Blue-eyed, red hair here, Thumpalumpacus. Thanks.

Mags1

Hi Pouncer. It's douable, really, but only if you want it.

You've gotta want it to do it. There is life after booze, I didn't think so, couldn't function without a drink or so I thought. But I had to make that first step. Stopping drinking. After that all the help I could get to learn to live without drink. Now it's normal for me to live without drink.

Do you want that, really? If yes, good! It starts here. You don't drink. Now it's the recovery part. That's why we're here.

Berrybean

*Sigh* I remember that 'I don't want to be alive feeling'. It's the worst. I really do hope I never, ever go back to that place.

For me, that came after sitting in the rooms of AA for a fair few (6-8) months. Sober but unhappy. My boss had referred me for counselling as she'd got worried about me. I went to counselling and told her the bits I was 'willing' to be honest about and kept the rest to myself. Obviously, that didn't work. My partner was worried about me. My friends were worried about me. And I was worried as well - thoughts (wishful ones) of death were never long out of my mind. Everything seemed absolutely hopeless. Every night I prayed that I could just 'not wake up' tomorrow.

I felt like I'd tried 'everything', and then one day I just kind of realised that I hadn't actually really 'done' the AA program. I was just sitting there in meetings waiting for it to work 'on' me. That day I asked someone to sponsor me (this being one of the hardest things I ever did) and actually started to do the recovery program - the 12-steps work. Finally getting honest - with myself (another difficult and scary thing), and then another human being (ditto). It was just shortly after that when I started noticing things started to change for me. I'm not saying that I don't have occasional bad days now - that dark whirlpool is still there, and every so often I go dip a toe in and feel its power, and am reminded what it felt to be stuck in there before I reached out and grabbed that life-raft and clung on to it.

I hope you can find your missing piece(s) soon. When you do, please, don't hesitate. Just do it. Uncomfortable or not. For me, and for many others, the things we Needed to do were not the things we Wanted to do. I was amazingly good at doing what I Wanted, not what I Needed. I'd dedicated a whole actively alcoholic life to that. When searching for the Missing Piece(s), the best place to start might be in the 'I don't want to...' or the 'I never...' pile.

Good luck.

Dee74

I had that feeling for so long it never occurred to me it might not be actually be real.

Let me be clear - I'm not doubting you feel that way, but I am suggesting booze is probably the cause.

I got sober..and slowly my perspective changed.

I say slowly because it took a reasonably long time for the darkness that alcohol had me living in to break up, and then dispel.

I went from someone who didn't see a lot of self worth in himself or his existence to someone who was prepared to fight for his life and to turn it around.

Deckard

Pouncer, that part about the Hallmark card caught my attention. The implication seems to be that things related to recovery are inauthentic or insincere or oversimplified...

I had the opposite experience. There were any number of "Hallmark cards" I could have put to good use when I was drinking. The "It's not so bad card." The "Sorry for last night, it won't happen again" card. All totally bogus...

When I stopped drinking I started to get away from those sorts of fake sentiments. The kind of honesty that helped me would not have fit on a card made by Hallmark. To extend the analogy, I had to get a blank card and write it myself.

Pouncer

Blank cards are great, only if you know what to write on it, or whom you should write it to.

You all are so kind. I cannot understand why I will not take people's advice at face value. I just can't.

Please, please, please tell me your life is hard. That you want to drink everyday, but you don't because: X, Y, Z...

I need to empathize. I need to understand right now.

Pouncer

Your inference was correct. I don't think I could've been more obvious outside of a punch in the face. I cannot stand the recovery BS. My husband made me return to this site so that I could get grounded. It has been hard. So, very difficult to see people struggling just like me. I wish everyone the best.

venuscat

Pouncer ~ I hear you, I think we all do.
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.
I was an addict/alcoholic for many years, and no, my life did not magically improve overnight.
I have struggles, but I get through them now.
I have hope now.

No Hallmark stuff, just the truth.

Pouncer

Here are the Hallmark cards I would've written:

"Sorry son, for ruining your idea of the perfect mother."

"I don't know what I did last night (but I imagine it was horrendous) but I still hope you love me anyway."

This next one is for my dogs:

"I know I am diabetic and do not have a functioning endocrine system...I know you were freaked out when I wanted to take the telescope out and look at the Orion Nebula last night (even though I had forgot to put on the Barlow lens) and was raving about it, but you were more concerned that I passed out on the lawn."

For all of that, I am truly sorry.

Pouncer

Also to my dogs: I am glad that the pack of coyotes on the other side of the fence did not jump over and kill you or me.

Seriously.

Alcohol sucks. Seriously, it sucks.

Steely

If Donald Trump has me drink I will definitely shoot myself. Not. He's got about as much chance as Buckley, and Buckley's got no chance. Maybe plow your sober energies into social justice enterprises.

Upward2Enlightenment

If anyone has told you different, they lied to you!
It is HARD ... it is not IMPOSSIBLE though.
Have you tried working with a counselor? Try to discover the reasons you drink?

We only fail when we stop trying.

Best wishes.

Pouncer

Steely,

Great. My life is entrenched in social justice. I am an active supporter-legislator-fighter for environmental justice and it makes me more depressed than you imagine.

Good advice.

Pouncer

You are right on. It is really, really difficult to find a good therapist. I actually might look for a good one, now. I think it is time.

Pouncer

Also, not all Americans are hare-brained idiots. Most Americans desire justice, fairness and freedom (not in a cliche sense). That is what my American values dictate.

And...Trump has a chance of winning. (And it is distressing).