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My fiance is addicted to pills

Old 02-21-2016, 11:28 AM
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Unhappy My fiance is addicted to pills

Hello everyone. My name is Barbra. I'm 34 and engaged to a wonderful, loving, hard-working, handsome, intelligent man....who has recently become addicted to benzos and pain pills. It turns out that he has struggled with this in the past and I did not know about it, or at least nowhere near the extent of it. He has taken pain pills since we have been together, and the pain pill prescription started because he really did have a very bad accident and fractured his back in 8 places a few years ago.... and that's never really been an issue. He doesn't usually take too many and they don't affect his personality. But he got a prescription for Xanax because he gets very stressed out at work...and he started taking copious amounts of it everyday and it completely changed his personality. I mean like he was a completely different person. He was angry and irritated all of the time, he was slurring his words, he was nodding off while standing...this was happening at work and at home. And he would get in these weird moods where he had to rearrange things around the house for hours. We couldn't get anything done, I have not been able to get registered for school or find a new job because I have to babysit him all the time. When he is on the stuff he is completely uncontrollable and unpredictable. We've had a rough few weeks where he has promised several times to not ever touch the stuff again and keeps relapsing. I don't have anybody to talk to about all of this. I can not tell my family... they have just gone through this with my brother and my mom worries so much anyway I do not want to add more stress to her. But I need help, I need someone to talk to, someone to guide me and give me advice. I don't want to enable him I just want to support him. What drives me crazy is that anybody I have talked to just says "leave him its all you can do. " That's not all I can do. I can help him, I can support him, I can be there for him, I can understand him and what he's going through and why he keeps doing this to himself. Because when he is sober he is very aware of the situation and how bad it is. He has seen videos of himself and he has cried and he is disgusted with himself. He wants to change but he can not resist the temptation. He is going to tell the doctor he does not want to get the xanax prescription anymore and that sounded like a solution to me at first, until I realized he gets the stuff from people at work and then lies to me about it. I'm so tired, I'm so sad, and I feel all alone. I have an 8 year old son, who is not my fiance's son but he loves my fiance dearly and my fiance loves him dearly and I very much want him to be a role model for my son. My son has a dad who loves him but he is like a big man child. My fiance, when sober and before he got into these pills, has an IQ in the 150's and is incredibly talented and intelligent. He has the most incredible work ethic I have ever seen. He tries so hard at his job and he is so good at it they have already promoted him 3 times in the past 6 months. Unfortunately though the past few weeks have been very rough and I'm afraid that he might lose his job. I am tired of the fighting. I'm tired of him acting like a cruel monster. That is not who he is, not even close. We talked about it and I said something to him along the lines of...it's almost like you keep punishing yourself for something you didn't do. And his eyes got big and he said oh my god you are right I have been doing this since I was a kid...and I know he had a rough childhood so I do understand the root of the issues. I just don't know how to help him be strong and resist these drugs. I can not be with him all day everyday and as much as I want to trust him he has lied to me so much the past few weeks I don't know what to do. He says he wants to get help but then lies about doing the drugs so he acts like he doesn't need any help because everything is OK when it is very very far from okay because he is on drugs that suck the light and life right out of him, and he has such a beautiful light. Anyway... that's the gist of my story. I hope to find some good friends and support and help here. And I thank you for reading this.
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Old 02-21-2016, 11:41 AM
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Welcome to the family. You have to understand that you can't make him want to change. That has to come from within him. The only person you can change is you. You have to decide if this is the life you want with him.

You might also be interested in our friends and family forum.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 02-21-2016, 11:50 AM
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Welcome!

I hope that your fiancé decides to change his life. In the meantime, you can work on taking care of yourself. You will find lots of support here.
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Old 02-21-2016, 12:13 PM
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Thank you...I hope more than anything he does too....and I look forward to being a part of this group. Maybe we will get through this and one day I'll be able to help someone here going through the same thing. God I hope so.
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Old 02-21-2016, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by BNH34 View Post
My fiance, when sober and before he got into these pills, has an IQ in the 150's and is incredibly talented and intelligent.
But he's not sober. He's an addict. Marry him when he's clean...for a year if not more...not before. For you and for your son, who deserves a clean and sober step dad.

Visit our friends and family forum, please, and read. See the chaos that loving an addict brings with it.
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Old 02-21-2016, 12:32 PM
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I definitely will visit the friends and family forum. And I understand and agree with you. I don't know that I should have used the word addicted yet....he abuses drugs and if no one was around to ever stop him or advise him, he would easily fall into addiction. But out of the year we have been together, it's only been the past month that we have had these issues. I want to get him help BEFORE he gets deep into addiction. Before it's even harder to get him to want it. Because right now he does have more sober days than not, and I can talk to him on those days. I just am terrified of the sober days disappearing altogether
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Old 02-21-2016, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by BNH34 View Post
I don't know that I should have used the word addicted yet....he abuses drugs and if no one was around to ever stop him or advise him, he would easily fall into addiction.
So you're going to be his pill police/therapist/mom and that will stop him?

Honey, I know you're heartbroken but nothing you can do will fix this and as long as you're "babysitting" to protect him from the consequences of his using, nothing will change...and he will rebel against it and blame you. Read the threads here...there are so many lovely, loving partners doing everything to "fix" and excuse the addict they love...it doesn't work.

He is lying about using, his job is in jeopardy, he's displaying irrational and controlling behavior...that's addiction.

You're clearly an intelligent person. Find a therapist who is familiar with codependency. You need to look out for yourself and your son first.

Best of luck to you...sending you a hug.

P.S. You describe your ex as being a "child"... maybe there's a pattern here? Maybe just coincidence, but I myself had an uncanny ability to find guys who had all the same problems my father does.
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Old 02-21-2016, 01:14 PM
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Welcome BNH
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Old 02-21-2016, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post

P.S. You describe your ex as being a "child"... maybe there's a pattern here? Maybe just coincidence, but I myself had an uncanny ability to find guys who had all the same problems my father does.
The sad thing is....I was convinced I had broken the pattern of immature/irresponsible guys when I met him. He's the first man I have ever been with who...up until recently...put me and my son first. And who WANTED to get up and go to work and be the best worker that company has ever had. And he seemed so emotionally mature. He knows so much about psychology and always seemed so thoughtful and understanding. All of a sudden he is the opposite of all of it. And I now know that before we met he had gone through this many times. He was always so nonchalant about anything he ever did in the past like it was nothing, it was no big deal. But after talking with him recently...I find out that he has gone through this exact same thing many times. He says that this is the first time he's ever had a real reason to want to quit. And it has only been a few weeks, (after nearly a year sober) but so far I am not seeing him behave like someone who really really wants to quit. The right words are there, the crying at the right time, but he thinks he is getting away with pretending to be sober when he gets home from work, like I don't know how he acts when he is on his stuff or something.I think he took a little less than usual thinking that he would be able to hide it better that way. The only thing it did was make him a little less sleepy than he usually is, all the other symptoms and behaviors were there. If he comes home tonight from work and I can tell that he has taken something, I'm going to wait a few days until he is" sober" (I know I know, I just mean sober enough to really talk to)... and I am going to ask him if we can go to a support group or meeting around here together. And if he does not feel like he needs that, I will go to one on my own. And come here for help and support. And if he does not decide he really truly does want to change, I will start figuring out how to plan a life without him in it, as devastating as that will be. He makes most of our money because I can only work part time right now because of some issues my son has, so I will have to try and figure out a lot of things about how to take care of me and my son alone on my own. and yes his father is kind of a manchild, but he is sweet and since we separated 7 years ago he has shown our son so much love and done his best with him, so I know he would help as much as he could. I just hope and pray that my fiance really truly does want to change. And I am just now starting to learn about codependency And the part I am playing in all of this. For a long time I thought I was doing everything I could, or everything I could think of, but I think I was just going through the motions everyday and silently praying that it would all just go away somehow on its own. And no I do not want to be his mother, I even told him that. But I do want to be there for him if he really wants help. I want him to know he is not alone anymore, because that is what got him started on all of this in the first place was both of his parents abandoning him when he was a little child. so I do understand his issues and why he has always felt like nobody really cares or he's not worth anything, but I do care, and he is worth something to me. Now I just need him to be worth something to himself
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:01 PM
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"I can understand him and what he's going through and why he keeps doing this to himself."

Unless you have been addicted to drugs or alcohol, you won't be able to do these. One addict/alcoholic helping another works because we truly know what it's like and how to overcome this.

Many people have horrible childhoods, but still manage to over come them.....

Bottom line is, get yourself help via Naranon or Al Anon and hope your fiance gets help somehow, AA, counseling, therapy, Rational Recovery, AVRT, SMART, Life Ring, SOS......are a few methods.

He has to want to stop and stay stopped, he has to go out of his way to get this help and he has to be the one to do the work so he can stay stopped.

An addiction does not mean daily use, it can mean long stretches of time between uses.

And there are many ways out of this!

Take care of you and your son now.

With love, hugs, and understanding,
~SB
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:11 PM
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Thank you, And you are right. I know I can never fully understand. I have my own addictions in other kinds of ways and my own issues just like we all do, but they're not that strong, or dangerous. I have not been through what he is going through. And I know he has to do the work on his own, I just need to figure out how I am supposed to treat him and act around him in the meantime. If I choose to stay with him and support him while he works on this, I need to figure out how to go about that while working on myself too. For example, what do I do when I know he is lying to me? Because I confronted him about it last night and that went very badly. So do I just ignore it and keep working on me? Will this possibly help him want to get help because he sees me doing it? I know nobody can tell me the answers to this stuff, these are just the questions that I have right now
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:21 PM
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You will have to set boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Lying would be unacceptable. Using would be unacceptable. You have to state what you'll put up with.
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:23 PM
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I'd post on the Friends and Family Forum, link above by least
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:23 PM
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Have you read "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie yet?
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:28 PM
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Sorry...I will definitely go post in the friends and family forum. I was just happy to be finally talking to someone about this. And I will look into that book for sure, thank you so much
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by BNH34 View Post
Sorry...I will definitely go post in the friends and family forum. I was just happy to be finally talking to someone about this. And I will look into that book for sure, thank you so much
You're free to post anywhere you like (except the men's forum) but I thought the friends and family forum could give you additional insight from people going thru the same thing.
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Old 02-21-2016, 02:44 PM
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Oh I know.... I just meant I will definitely post there too so I can talk with people in similar situations. I appreciate the kind words and advice very much, thank you.
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:00 PM
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I only suggested it as it is where you will find others with your experience. Although I have my own experience with this, I was also drinking at the time and don't recall enough to help you out more.

Relax, you have too much going on in your head and you don't have to make any changes just yet!! Breathe, relax, stay calm!!

Hugs to you
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Old 02-21-2016, 03:24 PM
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Sorry you're dealing with this but I'm glad it came to light before you got married! You and your child deserve better! Pain pills and Benzos/Xanax mixed with a little booze will kill you!

I agree with the other members, please look into Narcanon and Al Anon, great support programs to get a better understanding what your dealing with, look them up on google in your area..Personally I'd tell him to make a choice, me or the dope! He's got a job, he needs to go to rehab! I'm not trying to sound harsh, he needs help ASAP!!
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