Clean almost 8 weeks and facing life changes, i need advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 1
Clean almost 8 weeks and facing life changes, i need advice.
I'm posting because I need outside opinions on my situation. This will be a long post but I really need help. I'm battling these thoughts in my head 24/7 and it's slowly ruining my life.
I was addicted to opiates for 2 years and I've relapsed four times. I'm currently clean almost 8 weeks(i'll hit 8 weeks Tuesday). In the last 8 months I've been clean on/off, using on/off, relapsed, divorced(I was married 6 years), met a new guy, moved to Arkansas with him in December(10 hours away from my family & hometown), I'm engaged to be married April 16th and I'm now a step mom to a 1 1/2 year old every other weekend.
(I got divorced in August met my fiance in October. I was 5 weeks clean when I met him but I've relapsed four times since we've been together. He is very supportive and tries to help me work through it.)
The longest I've been clean in the past two years is 5 weeks until now. My emotions are numb the majority of the time and when that happens I don't feel for anyone, even my fiance. It leaves me questioning whether I'm making smart choices right now and I DO NOT want a second divorce. My only issue isn't only with whether I should marry or not. Other things I'm struggling with is I've been in Arkansas since the end of December I haven't found a job but I'm starting a 3 week CNA program at the end of March. Before I moved I was working two jobs and taking care of myself after leaving my ex husband. Since being clean I'm not sure about being in a relationship and when my feelings go numb I want to run back to my hometown, get a job, and support myself again. My relationship with my fiance hasn't been perfect we've had a lot of fights, trust issues, and drama with my family. Things are better now but I also worry I'm putting my sobriety on the line in this relationship.
I know if he hurts me, leaves me, etc. I'm not mentally stable enough to handle it right now or I'll just go completely numb and use drugs again. The other side is I could move back to Indiana and be with my family and supporting myself. That also means being back in my old environment where I was using. My family is supportive of my sobriety but sometimes they can be selfish about it too. Like I think they believe you just throw down pills and it's over which we all know isn't true.
I just feel like no matter what I do my sobriety is on the line. I also have body image issues that lead me to use drugs and being with my fiance makes them worse cause I never feel good enough. I always feel bad about myself not because of what he does it's just how I feel about myself.
I know this post is all over the place I just need some opinions, advice, help, etc. Right now I'm completely numb and want to run away from my relationship and just deal with things on my own. But in the few minutes a day I feel, I do know I love my fiance but I do have my doubts about marriage. I just don't know if I'm capable of handling a relationship right now but I'm afraid to let him go and lose out on what could be the love of my life and the man I want to build a life with. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I hope someone can give me some input. Thanks for reading.
I was addicted to opiates for 2 years and I've relapsed four times. I'm currently clean almost 8 weeks(i'll hit 8 weeks Tuesday). In the last 8 months I've been clean on/off, using on/off, relapsed, divorced(I was married 6 years), met a new guy, moved to Arkansas with him in December(10 hours away from my family & hometown), I'm engaged to be married April 16th and I'm now a step mom to a 1 1/2 year old every other weekend.
(I got divorced in August met my fiance in October. I was 5 weeks clean when I met him but I've relapsed four times since we've been together. He is very supportive and tries to help me work through it.)
The longest I've been clean in the past two years is 5 weeks until now. My emotions are numb the majority of the time and when that happens I don't feel for anyone, even my fiance. It leaves me questioning whether I'm making smart choices right now and I DO NOT want a second divorce. My only issue isn't only with whether I should marry or not. Other things I'm struggling with is I've been in Arkansas since the end of December I haven't found a job but I'm starting a 3 week CNA program at the end of March. Before I moved I was working two jobs and taking care of myself after leaving my ex husband. Since being clean I'm not sure about being in a relationship and when my feelings go numb I want to run back to my hometown, get a job, and support myself again. My relationship with my fiance hasn't been perfect we've had a lot of fights, trust issues, and drama with my family. Things are better now but I also worry I'm putting my sobriety on the line in this relationship.
I know if he hurts me, leaves me, etc. I'm not mentally stable enough to handle it right now or I'll just go completely numb and use drugs again. The other side is I could move back to Indiana and be with my family and supporting myself. That also means being back in my old environment where I was using. My family is supportive of my sobriety but sometimes they can be selfish about it too. Like I think they believe you just throw down pills and it's over which we all know isn't true.
I just feel like no matter what I do my sobriety is on the line. I also have body image issues that lead me to use drugs and being with my fiance makes them worse cause I never feel good enough. I always feel bad about myself not because of what he does it's just how I feel about myself.
I know this post is all over the place I just need some opinions, advice, help, etc. Right now I'm completely numb and want to run away from my relationship and just deal with things on my own. But in the few minutes a day I feel, I do know I love my fiance but I do have my doubts about marriage. I just don't know if I'm capable of handling a relationship right now but I'm afraid to let him go and lose out on what could be the love of my life and the man I want to build a life with. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I hope someone can give me some input. Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
It really sounds like this is not a good time in your life for you to get married because you are not fully committed to the man, and because your sobriety is at risk. Do you believe the relationship is a healthy one? If so, why not put the marriage plans on hold and just be in the relationship and see where it goes. If you are not sure about the relationship ,I would recommend stepping away and working on you, your career, and getting to know and love yourself. I think the fact you are questioning things at this point is an indication that you really want to work on yourself. And, if going back home to your family puts you in a bad environment, maybe just be alone for awhile and figure out your feelings.
It really sounds like this is not a good time in your life for you to get married because you are not fully committed to the man, and because your sobriety is at risk. Do you believe the relationship is a healthy one? If so, why not put the marriage plans on hold and just be in the relationship and see where it goes. If you are not sure about the relationship ,I would recommend stepping away and working on you, your career, and getting to know and love yourself. I think the fact you are questioning things at this point is an indication that you really want to work on yourself. And, if going back home to your family puts you in a bad environment, maybe just be alone for awhile and figure out your feelings.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
Early recovery can be rough for a while. Best not to make any life changing decisions until you're more stable.
Is counseling an option for you? I got a lot of help from my counselor when I was early in recovery.
Early recovery can be rough for a while. Best not to make any life changing decisions until you're more stable.Is counseling an option for you? I got a lot of help from my counselor when I was early in recovery.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Nothing is more important than your sobriety. If something threatens it, you should act to remove the threat, I think.
To me, that means dialing back your relationship and focusing on yourself and your issues.
It's also not fair to him, you being in this frame of mind.
To me, that means dialing back your relationship and focusing on yourself and your issues.
It's also not fair to him, you being in this frame of mind.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Trust your instincts. This relationship sounds like it's moving much too quickly and it doesn't even make you feel good about yourself. You've been in active addiction much of the time you've known him...we all know what chemicals can do to our judgment, right?
Is there another place you could move where you have some family/friend support that isn't where you were actively using, with all those triggers? It's a big world out there!
Wishing you success...
Is there another place you could move where you have some family/friend support that isn't where you were actively using, with all those triggers? It's a big world out there!
Wishing you success...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome Shadesofgray 
as I was reading through your post I was thinking "woah slow down!"
This is your future and it's perfectly ok to be cautious and go slow if thats what you want to do. If this guy is The One he may not be pleased as punch, but he will understand and wait.
D
as I was reading through your post I was thinking "woah slow down!"
This is your future and it's perfectly ok to be cautious and go slow if thats what you want to do. If this guy is The One he may not be pleased as punch, but he will understand and wait.
D
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