Well... I'm back...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 162
Well... I'm back...
Not that any of you all would have missed me as I've never posted to regularly...
It's hard to believe that it's been over 3 years since I found this site. I've had my ups and downs, but admittedly, it's been mostly downs... In my head I think sometimes that I'm doing better because my wife is still around and things have seemed to be ok on the home front, but the reality of it is that I have just been doing a much better job at not getting caught drunk/drinking...
Or so I thought... My wife would occasionally ask "you ok?" to which I'd always reply "of course!" and she'd drop it at that... I'd always be just before that point where she KNEW I was drinking (buzzed but not hammered)... Up until this past weekend when I was too drunk at 9AM in the morning to do what we had planned with our daughters.
She definitely KNEW then, and of course after the realization she brought up all the other times she had suspected and everything snowballed from there... The situation really upset my daughters, and that just kills me... I'm such an idiot... A sick idiot...
One of my biggest hurdles is the fact that I travel 25-30 weeks per year on business, and my coworkers and clients all drink... Most not alcoholically, but some are close if not there... I know this is a lame excuse that I should be able to overcome, but it has been a difficult hurdle for me...
It seems that my "ups" and "downs" always follow the same pattern... I'll start off with a few good sober weeks and then the opportunity will present itself to drink while out of town. My AV will convince me that out of town drinking is fine, but that I've got to keep it out of town.
Then, a few weeks later, my AV will convince me that it will also be fine to drink while in town, but I have got to keep it to a minimum...
Then, a few weeks after that, my AV will convince me that getting hammered at 9AM before a family day Saturday will somehow turn out OK... Uggg... I'm so ashamed of myself...
This destructive pattern has got to stop or I will wind up losing the best thing I've got going in my life... My Family... And second to that... My health/sanity...
I'd give my life for my family without a second thought, but up until this point I haven't been able to give up booze for them??? WTF is wrong with me???
Anyways, sorry for the long read, but I just needed to vent a little and get something written down that I can look back on the next time my AV rears it's ugly head... And also give myself some accountability... I'll be posting more often on this and other threads... Thanks for listening...
PS- This is day 3 sober for me. First day was Valentines Day of all days... No, my wife did not get me a card this year....
It's hard to believe that it's been over 3 years since I found this site. I've had my ups and downs, but admittedly, it's been mostly downs... In my head I think sometimes that I'm doing better because my wife is still around and things have seemed to be ok on the home front, but the reality of it is that I have just been doing a much better job at not getting caught drunk/drinking...
Or so I thought... My wife would occasionally ask "you ok?" to which I'd always reply "of course!" and she'd drop it at that... I'd always be just before that point where she KNEW I was drinking (buzzed but not hammered)... Up until this past weekend when I was too drunk at 9AM in the morning to do what we had planned with our daughters.
She definitely KNEW then, and of course after the realization she brought up all the other times she had suspected and everything snowballed from there... The situation really upset my daughters, and that just kills me... I'm such an idiot... A sick idiot...
One of my biggest hurdles is the fact that I travel 25-30 weeks per year on business, and my coworkers and clients all drink... Most not alcoholically, but some are close if not there... I know this is a lame excuse that I should be able to overcome, but it has been a difficult hurdle for me...
It seems that my "ups" and "downs" always follow the same pattern... I'll start off with a few good sober weeks and then the opportunity will present itself to drink while out of town. My AV will convince me that out of town drinking is fine, but that I've got to keep it out of town.
Then, a few weeks later, my AV will convince me that it will also be fine to drink while in town, but I have got to keep it to a minimum...
Then, a few weeks after that, my AV will convince me that getting hammered at 9AM before a family day Saturday will somehow turn out OK... Uggg... I'm so ashamed of myself...
This destructive pattern has got to stop or I will wind up losing the best thing I've got going in my life... My Family... And second to that... My health/sanity...
I'd give my life for my family without a second thought, but up until this point I haven't been able to give up booze for them??? WTF is wrong with me???
Anyways, sorry for the long read, but I just needed to vent a little and get something written down that I can look back on the next time my AV rears it's ugly head... And also give myself some accountability... I'll be posting more often on this and other threads... Thanks for listening...
PS- This is day 3 sober for me. First day was Valentines Day of all days... No, my wife did not get me a card this year....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Nice going on the three days. You don't say how old your children are, but they deserve a dad who is sober and present.
That traveling and drinking will be a challenge, but there are ways to deal with it as you've probably considered already.
Keep posting!
That traveling and drinking will be a challenge, but there are ways to deal with it as you've probably considered already.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 162
Thanks FLCamper. The oldest of the 3 girls is 11. Luckily, up until this most recent debacle, they've been relatively sheltered from my drinking. With time I plan on convincing/assuring them that it will never happen again... Not to toot my own horn, but I really am/have been a committed and dedicated father in spite of the drinking. I know that I can't continue on like I have been though...
Travel will be/is a challenge, but I have had small successes in the past. I'm actually on the road right now. Tonight will be spent catching up on some work and surfing he web...
Travel will be/is a challenge, but I have had small successes in the past. I'm actually on the road right now. Tonight will be spent catching up on some work and surfing he web...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,854
Welcome back, ForMyGirls; I hope that the support you will find here will help you to achieve lasting sobriety and recovery.
Sounds as though you have a very active AV. Have you ever looked into AVRT?
I'll post an SR link in a minute.
Sounds as though you have a very active AV. Have you ever looked into AVRT?
I'll post an SR link in a minute.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,854
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Welcome back ForMyGirls.
Don't blow this chance, it may be your last one. Trust me, I know from experience.
Perhaps when you are out of town you could find an AA meeting or even come here to find support.
Don't blow this chance, it may be your last one. Trust me, I know from experience.
Perhaps when you are out of town you could find an AA meeting or even come here to find support.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Welcome back, and it does get worse, doesn't it!
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Congratulations on Day 3 and your dedication to make this work. I let my children down too, and it's the worst. I became someone I never imagined I would be. But, you can do this! It sounds like you will need a solid plan for not drinking when you are travelling, or perhaps travelling less. Do keep posting because we understand how hard this is.
.
Congratulations on Day 3 and your dedication to make this work. I let my children down too, and it's the worst. I became someone I never imagined I would be. But, you can do this! It sounds like you will need a solid plan for not drinking when you are travelling, or perhaps travelling less. Do keep posting because we understand how hard this is.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, FMG. I feel (or should say, I've felt) your pain.
Sounds like you need to develop a plan for avoiding alcohol on the road. Your coworkers and clients will remain the same, but you need to get into a mindset that uncouples their drinking choices from your own.
You sound very intelligent so I'm sure you know that you don't HAVE to drink simply because others do. To explain the change in your behavior without getting too personal, just tell them you recently had a physical and your blood pressure was a little high, and you don't want to go on meds, so the doc told you to abstain from alcohol instead.
And keep those "networking" evenings shorter. ;-)
Sounds like you need to develop a plan for avoiding alcohol on the road. Your coworkers and clients will remain the same, but you need to get into a mindset that uncouples their drinking choices from your own.
You sound very intelligent so I'm sure you know that you don't HAVE to drink simply because others do. To explain the change in your behavior without getting too personal, just tell them you recently had a physical and your blood pressure was a little high, and you don't want to go on meds, so the doc told you to abstain from alcohol instead.
And keep those "networking" evenings shorter. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,854
Here is another great link for formulating a plan for sobriety:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pa
Posts: 50
Hang in there. I also have 3 daughters. My oldest is 12 and I know that if I don't stop now it is going to have an effect on her life. I am sure being on the road is going to be tough but I bet you can find something to do instead of drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Formygirls. I have to say that at the end of my drinking career, I had plenty of Saturdays that I was definitely buzzed by 10 am and a few when I was too drunk to do anything but hang at the house.
That's no way to live. I will tell you that it gets easier with time. Focus on really breaking the cycle and turning your life into what you want.
Congrats on day 3. Keep going and stick close to this community. It really helps to stay active here.
That's no way to live. I will tell you that it gets easier with time. Focus on really breaking the cycle and turning your life into what you want.
Congrats on day 3. Keep going and stick close to this community. It really helps to stay active here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
ForMyGirls
Dude, wake the f*ck up!
That's what I told myself over a year ago when I was in EXACTLY the same circumstances as YOU! Wife and two kids - hiding bottles all over the house - obsessing about the next drink. Shots in the morning. Blackouts. I was in the verge of losing it all...
And you know what I did? Went cold turkey, all-in, made a serious recovery plan, and never looked back.
And you know who I did it for?
MYSELF.
Trust me, you will only succeed in recovery long term when you decide that sobriety is the new normal for YOU.
I hope you give this some serious thought, and know that you can do it.
Dude, wake the f*ck up!
That's what I told myself over a year ago when I was in EXACTLY the same circumstances as YOU! Wife and two kids - hiding bottles all over the house - obsessing about the next drink. Shots in the morning. Blackouts. I was in the verge of losing it all...
And you know what I did? Went cold turkey, all-in, made a serious recovery plan, and never looked back.
And you know who I did it for?
MYSELF.
Trust me, you will only succeed in recovery long term when you decide that sobriety is the new normal for YOU.
I hope you give this some serious thought, and know that you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Well that sucks. I hope you are modifying your plan from last time to find more things that will help you out. I hope this time it sticks for you, your wife, your kids, and your future together.
It has to come to a head at some point, and it seems like it is starting to. Could it get worse? You bet. Divorce, visiting hours with your kids, losing your job, getting a dui... I know you dont want that. I have read your posts before and dont get that sense from you, but alcohol can and will make you stupid to all decision except from drinking.
Dont kid yourself, you cant drink moderately. None of us can. It sucks, but heck that is what we did to ourselves over time, and what doesnt suck is being sober. What doesnt suck is having your wife, and family love you and be with you. What doesnt suck is being sober.
You can do it. I know you can. Dont give in next time. Or next time you want to drink, look at a picture of your family... do it for them... do it for you.
It has to come to a head at some point, and it seems like it is starting to. Could it get worse? You bet. Divorce, visiting hours with your kids, losing your job, getting a dui... I know you dont want that. I have read your posts before and dont get that sense from you, but alcohol can and will make you stupid to all decision except from drinking.
Dont kid yourself, you cant drink moderately. None of us can. It sucks, but heck that is what we did to ourselves over time, and what doesnt suck is being sober. What doesnt suck is having your wife, and family love you and be with you. What doesnt suck is being sober.
You can do it. I know you can. Dont give in next time. Or next time you want to drink, look at a picture of your family... do it for them... do it for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hello ForMyGirls and welcome back.
My dad had 3 daughters (he now has 4). If only he had stopped drinking when the eldest was 11. I'm not here to make you feel lousy - I'm an alcoholic and it's been only 2 months since I stopped drinking, so I get it.
You say you're a committed dedicated dad and your girls have been relatively sheltered. I believe you. I'll just tell you a few things. My dad loved us and we had many happy times together as a family. We also had some bewilderingly awful times. My dad was a different person when he drank, not always bad but different. He was unpredictable. Children need certainty to feel secure. A girl in that situation can grow into a woman who never understands what a reliable man looks like. It's not a good recipe for a happy life.
If my dad had stopped when his eldest daughter was 11 years, it would have saved a family a lot of pain. He waited 20 more years to sober up and got started on repairing his relationships with his daughters. It's come a long way but it's still a work in progress.
Please don't wait.
Strength to you.
My dad had 3 daughters (he now has 4). If only he had stopped drinking when the eldest was 11. I'm not here to make you feel lousy - I'm an alcoholic and it's been only 2 months since I stopped drinking, so I get it.
You say you're a committed dedicated dad and your girls have been relatively sheltered. I believe you. I'll just tell you a few things. My dad loved us and we had many happy times together as a family. We also had some bewilderingly awful times. My dad was a different person when he drank, not always bad but different. He was unpredictable. Children need certainty to feel secure. A girl in that situation can grow into a woman who never understands what a reliable man looks like. It's not a good recipe for a happy life.
If my dad had stopped when his eldest daughter was 11 years, it would have saved a family a lot of pain. He waited 20 more years to sober up and got started on repairing his relationships with his daughters. It's come a long way but it's still a work in progress.
Please don't wait.
Strength to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 162
Thanks everyone for the warm "re"- welcomings and words of encouragement/advice. It truly does mean a lot to me...
Today went well. It's amazing how much better the work day goes and how much more productive you are when when you're not hung over... Of course when I walked back into the hotel lobby tonight (few minutes ago), the first thing I noticed was that the hotel was having a "manager's reception" for the guests. Basically a free happy hour. Plenty of beer on ice in those big steel serving buckets... I have to admit that it looked mighty tempting, but I told my AV to "FO", and he did...
My two co-workers are taking advantage of it for sure... I told them that I was taking a break so I'd pass. I did have to hear one wise crack- "who is this imposter, and what have you done with FMG!!!???" But that is to be expected I guess...lol
Probably going to surf this site a bit before heading out to dinner. At least they'll have a designated driver tonight...
Will check in later. Thanks again.
Today went well. It's amazing how much better the work day goes and how much more productive you are when when you're not hung over... Of course when I walked back into the hotel lobby tonight (few minutes ago), the first thing I noticed was that the hotel was having a "manager's reception" for the guests. Basically a free happy hour. Plenty of beer on ice in those big steel serving buckets... I have to admit that it looked mighty tempting, but I told my AV to "FO", and he did...
My two co-workers are taking advantage of it for sure... I told them that I was taking a break so I'd pass. I did have to hear one wise crack- "who is this imposter, and what have you done with FMG!!!???" But that is to be expected I guess...lol
Probably going to surf this site a bit before heading out to dinner. At least they'll have a designated driver tonight...
Will check in later. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Glad you are back!!! I joined in March of 2012, but didn't really begin my first attempt at sobriety until October of 2012. I made it 90 days in in January of 2013 started slipping. Spent the next three years moderating and having a few weeks of sobriety here and there. I decided I would take my last frind on NYE. Today is 48 days without alcohol, and I plan to keep it this way.
Would love to have another October classmate back!!
Would love to have another October classmate back!!
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