It sure has been a while, and not good!
 

So, I'm not sure where to begin or where I should begin, so here goes it. I completed IOP(Intensive Out Patient) care back in October. I felt strong. I was doing great. At the time I over 3 months sober. That was the longest without drinking in my drinking career. I call it a career because there is so much that goes into it. You're dedicated to it. You wake up and some mornings it feels like a job. Waking up to get a drink, then getting a drink for break time, drink for lunch time. Next thing ya know I've punched the clock for an 8 hr day. A few years later you promoted yourself to drinking every day. Lying about how to get out of this issue that came from drinking. How to get out of this DUI, how to make ends meet after losing a job. Wow next thing you know you're thinking of how to get your family back because of a bender that you can't remember. The cops knocking at your door because you were to loud and belligerent. Years and years in... you promoted yourself to a more hardcore drinker. The more drinks the more problems. What happens? You end up staying at this dead end job.

I have had a few job interviews at detox, jail, in bed with the shakes, but I never got the promotion to get out of this hell I've built for my life. It's crazy some of the things that you get yourself in and guess what you just keep sinking and sinking. Arrested numerous times because of drinking, costs me thousands and thousands of dollars to deal with situations.

My last bender...curious? Well I'm sure many it started because of an argument with my spouse. That led into yelling and finger pointing...your fault not my fault etc. Same ol song. This vicious cycle of feeling like crap, then depressed back to damn I can't wait to drink because of whatever reason. Sh*t is stupid and endless pit.

So what now??? Well I'll be doing one on one therapy with an addiction expert for 6-8 hours a week, just waiting on insurance to clear it. Just when you think you have it under control bam it just hits you out of nowhere. The things I've done are unspeakable and my wife just wants her husband back. The person that she married. I've turned into this pissed off demon that nobody wants to be around.

I'm done with my ranting for now. I so need to get my life back on track. Drinking sucks so much. This poison does nothing for anyone.

TTYL friends

Welcome back. I'm sorry to hear your recent story, but hopeful you can move forward again. Thank you for sharing:grouphug:

Yep it did become a job, where I was getting less and less in return for the amount of time and money invested. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Basically remap my whole life to put sobriety first before all else.

Good luck getright. This is so true. Wishing you the best.

Remember how great you felt during those three months of sobriety? It's there for the taking. Keep posting. :grouphug:

You can get it back, GetRight!

I hope you can get sober again and stay that way. :)

Welcome bk Getright

Welcome back Getright. You've got the power to re-shape your life and it starts with committing to not drinking. I also turned into that depressed demon that drank 24/7. I am here to tell you that you absolutely can make this change... but you've got to commit 1,000 percent, no in between, no grey area, it's all or nothing.

This isn't easy, life isn't easy. Have a plan for anything that life throws your way, put your plan into action to avoid drinking.

You can break this cycle. Don't give your AV any room to negotiate.

You can do this.

Welcome back, getright; I am sorry to hear of your struggles.

I hope that the one on one counseling and the support you find here at SR can help you find lasting sobriety.

Welcome back!

I never let myself forget just how awful life can be if I indulge myself in just one drink.

Glad you are back.

I'm glad that you're starting therapy and that you are committed to do this. We're here for you.

I really appreciate all the words of encouragement. Seriously means so much to me as I'm tearing up typing this. I hate what I have become and more so what I have been to my myself and family. The last few days I don't know where to start. The place I called rejected my insurance and there is no way I can afford any out of pocket costs. So on to the next plan. I'm not sure exactly what that is just yet. I've made contact with some of my old IOP friends for some type of support and meet up soon. Preferably sooner than later as I know they have their lives to lead as well. I contacted a few more places today trying to figure the next course of action. My wife made a good point...."you still haven't lost everything yet...I'm trying to do everything to prevent that you do" . Read those words...what a great woman! I can't believe some of the stuff I've put her through/my kids!!..my God! Some times I do just want die to stop feeling like this. Really...I can't do that to my family. Sigh..she told me "I wish I can take away all your pain" Who says that? A person who cares and loves me.

This addiction hates me. It wants me to give in and throw in the towel. I made the decision that I can't do that. The battle continues.