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The cycle: hung over and out I wake up, heart racing, mind foggy, slowly realizing this is yet another day hung over. I replay last night as best I can: How much is left in the bottle? Did I incur any new bruises or injuries from a fall? Did I send any dramatic emails to friends and acquaintances? Did I say anything to upset my husband? Did I make outrageous confessions, share controversial (and not accurate) opinions? Did I make ridiculous plans? Was I inappropriately affectionate with anyone? The questions can only be answered by investigating: my body, my computer, my freezer, my husband's disapproving look. I don't remember coming to bed or the two hours before I passed out. I get out of bed to get ready for work. I can't believe I still have a job. I'm weak and shaky. My mouth is dry, my tongue feels like sandpaper. My breath still reeks of booze and probably will until mid afternoon. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Every action is deliberate and difficult. I think maybe I should call in sick, then realize I can't, I have commitments. Anyway, do I really want to be home all day by myself? Feeling like death warmed over and filled with guilt and anxiety with nothing or no one to distract me? I somehow get dressed.... in the same old frumpy clothes I always wear because I need comfort and just don't care. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face is bloated, my skin dull, my eyes bloodshot. I make my way downstairs. I am dying of thirst. Even still, my first priority is to check the Vodka bottle so I can gauge how bad my day will be. Oh look, I left about one drink's worth. I'm sure in my drunken haze, I thought I was practicing self control there. I grab a water from the fridge and guzzle. I can't get enough. I'm gasping for air when I'm done. I close my eyes and stagger a little. Am I still drunk? Yes, probably. I hope and pray that I can use the bathroom to avoid an embarrassing visit at work. But I know that the tummy troubles will be in full effect only after I've downed a liter of water and binged on a greasy breakfast. Then I'll spend most of my day scouting out vacant bathrooms and hoping I don't have an accident. It's time to get in the car. I load up on gum but I know it won't make a difference. The "still drunk" feeling is beginning to wear off. The full on anxiety is beginning to creep in. I just know I'm going to die today. I pushed it too far last night and my body can't handle this. LORD, IF I MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY, I PROMISE I WON'T DRINK TONIGHT. I'm in work's doorway. I have no clue how I'll be able to think clearly enough and not out myself as an addicted, weak loser. I pray I don't run into anyone I know on the way to my desk. I just need to get there (without bumping into walls preferably) and look focused. I'm in hell. My heart never stops racing. I'm exhausted. I have no self esteem. I know I'm slowly dying. I'm convinced everyone can tell I'm an alcoholic. The day wears on... I start to feel a little better by 3 pm. Hmmm, maybe I can drink tonight after all? I mean, if I don't I'll never sleep and I need the sleep after this exhausting day. I'll just get a small bottle and I'll make sure I go to bed by 11:00. I'll just skip dinner so I can get a buzz quicker and voila, I'll be relaxed and sleepy. But tomorrow, I'm definitely quitting... -------------------- Long time lurker here and 3 years sober. Thank you all for your contributions to this forum--you've helped me so much without even knowing it. |
Welcome to the family. :hug: |
That sounds like a page of my life. Always, once i get a nights sleep tomorrow will be better. But tomorrow never comes. |
Brilliant post, I needed to see this today, that described EXACTLY my last days of being a drunk. Drinking failed to be fun eh? I so needed to see this and a stark reminder of why I had to quit. Thank you. :You_Rock_ |
Fantastic reminder! Welcome and thank you for sharing that! :You_Rock_ |
Beautifully written. Thank you!! |
Wow, great post! You just described Groundhog day for me too. |
....hope I don't get a dui on the way to work.... Yikes.... Glad those days are forever behind.... Looking forward to the next 40 or so years sober... Never drinking again. |
That was a day in my life too. :( Congratulations on your recovery! |
3 years sober. That's awesome! Your story is so familiar. Waking up, not knowing how you got to bed. Or when. Or where those bruises came from. Stumbling out of bed. Empty beer cans everywhere. Throbbing headache, dry mouth, nauseous. The horrible smell of old beer and fast food making it all worse. What did I do? My clothes are wet. It's beer. Must have tipped over a can again while being blacked out drunk. My place is a mess. I can't function and do anything about it. Dread. Oh ****! I've been on the internet drunk again. And texting. What did I say? Checking back and oh God... this is painful. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Stumbling back to bed. Lying there, shivering with anxiety and upset about the things I've said and done. Sometimes the same day, sometimes the next one, I would be able to get out of bed. Dehydrated. Malnourished. Getting new beer to escape from it all again. Did that for years. Now I'm only 5 days sober. And it seems like a distant dream already. |
Can totally understand this xoxo |
Thanks for the post, and congratulations on your sobriety! This sounds very similar to my story. Thankful to be 82 days sober today. TW |
Welcome to SR notasip - congrats on 3 years sober. That was a great piece of writing ;) D |
Congratulations on your three years :) Your narrative was a great reminder of what I don't want in my life anymore....your writing was so spot on for me! |
Congratulations on 3 years and thank you for the share. Wrote things extremely similar in my journal and blog. This was me and many of us here. It was only after I got so tired of that vicious cycle that I found SR, made a plan, and went to AA. Now I realize how lucky I was that I didn't lose my job, or worse. It's keeping all of that in the front of my mind that helps me stay sober. Thanks for the reminder and welcome to SR! |
Yup. Pretty much every day I felt like that. Not anymore!!!! |
I could have written that myself. Funny thing, I used to go around saying I hadn't hit rock bottom. Yes. This was rock bottom for me. Thank you so much.. |
Originally Posted by MikeM
(Post 5796215)
3 years sober. That's awesome! Your story is so familiar. Waking up, not knowing how you got to bed. Or when. Or where those bruises came from. Stumbling out of bed. Empty beer cans everywhere. Throbbing headache, dry mouth, nauseous. The horrible smell of old beer and fast food making it all worse. What did I do? My clothes are wet. It's beer. Must have tipped over a can again while being blacked out drunk. My place is a mess. I can't function and do anything about it. Dread. Oh ****! I've been on the internet drunk again. And texting. What did I say? Checking back and oh God... this is painful. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Stumbling back to bed. Lying there, shivering with anxiety and upset about the things I've said and done. Sometimes the same day, sometimes the next one, I would be able to get out of bed. Dehydrated. Malnourished. Getting new beer to escape from it all again. Did that for years. Now I'm only 5 days sober. And it seems like a distant dream already. |
Yikes! I used to have days like that. I'm glad i'm sober today. |
I did it for years. My work schedule gives me anywhere from 3 to five days off at a time. I would spend most of that time drunk. I would go back to work anxious, dehydrated, and generally feeling like 200 lb of smashed assholes. I work in a steel mill so imagine that with a hangover......SUCKS is an understatement. |
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